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Part time D/S - possible?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm intrigued and interested in exploring the D/S dynamic. I'm dominant in life and make my own decisions on everyday things (and I want it to stay that way) but when it comes to the bedroom I feel that I want to pass the reigns over to someone else.
I'm not looking for a wannabe dom to order me around in the bedroom or roleplay it but would like to experience the benefits of the actual dynamics.
I have done some reading about dom and sub roles, responsibilities etc, but everything seems to evolve around 24/7 relationship.
I know there are experienced people in the scene from both sides so the question is for you.
Is such relationship possible/viable as not a 24/7 relationship but restricted to the bedroom and the times when we're actually together?
Thanks. |
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Yes. It’s how we met. We had that sort of relationship for a couple of years before unexpectedly, as if had never been the original intention, we ended up as life partners with 2 kids together. The DS is still confined to the bedroom or clubs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Completely YES.
Personal circumstances do not always allow for a 24/7 dynamic.
Everyone has to have realistic goals regarding this..
Do not get me wrong there are those who pratice 24/7 and well. However in the greater scheme of it most live the lifestyle when they can and if that is confined to the bedroom or clubs then so be it. |
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By *ast_jjMan
over a year ago
Dublin and London |
"Yes. It’s how we met. We had that sort of relationship for a couple of years before unexpectedly, as if had never been the original intention, we ended up as life partners with 2 kids together. The DS is still confined to the bedroom or clubs. "
Do you find it hard to turn it off in normal life?
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Yes, it's possible. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be doing it as long as you're within the safe, sane and consensual boundaries. You might find certain elements do spill over into every day life a certain look, a suggestion of how an innocent item in a shop might have an alternative use etc.
Other sites dedicated to this kind of thing have an "in the bedroom only" option you can select.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes, it's possible. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be doing it as long as you're within the safe, sane and consensual boundaries. You might find certain elements do spill over into every day life a certain look, a suggestion of how an innocent item in a shop might have an alternative use etc.
Other sites dedicated to this kind of thing have an "in the bedroom only" option you can select.
"
Thank you very much. Know exactly what you mean |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had a full D/s relationship without it being 24/7 it's easy to do as long as you know the boundaries with open communication.
My last few 'relationships' haven't been D/s based but I'm so used to being a sub I find I still do the things I used to do and follow the Patterns I was trained to follow that I sometimes find I get a little ansty in relationships now because I'm not having someone being clear cut with me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've had a full D/s relationship without it being 24/7 it's easy to do as long as you know the boundaries with open communication.
My last few 'relationships' haven't been D/s based but I'm so used to being a sub I find I still do the things I used to do and follow the Patterns I was trained to follow that I sometimes find I get a little ansty in relationships now because I'm not having someone being clear cut with me."
Yes, I see the issues with someone not being clear cut, having clear intentions and therefore me being able to put ultimate trust in them. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The thing about D/s is there is no "right" way to it - only "your" way as agreed between two (or more informed and consenting adults).
BDSM and D/s have a very broad spectrum with occasional "kink play" at one end and pretty extreme play at the other - for some it may be 24/7, for others it may be just occasionally when the mood takes, for other still there may not be D/s involved at all, just mutual exploration of elements of BDSM that you enjoy.
The key is finding a partner who is on the same page as you as to what it represents for you both. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The thing about D/s is there is no "right" way to it - only "your" way as agreed between two (or more informed and consenting adults).
BDSM and D/s have a very broad spectrum with occasional "kink play" at one end and pretty extreme play at the other - for some it may be 24/7, for others it may be just occasionally when the mood takes, for other still there may not be D/s involved at all, just mutual exploration of elements of BDSM that you enjoy.
The key is finding a partner who is on the same page as you as to what it represents for you both."
I have a very good idea of what I want from it. Finding the partner will be the hard part though. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
There is a quote that pretty much (not word for word accurate) has stuck in my brain for ever.
It was in a book on power dynamics within a BDSM based relationship written, I think, by Jay Wiseman. It was talking about how every relationship has some element of shifting control, no relationship is ever truly 50/50, after all, how often do you notice even in vanilla relationships that one person seems to make the decisions or defers to the other in certain situations.
The premise was that every relationship has a dominant and submissive partner when it comes to day to day living, the difference with BDSM or D/s based relationships is that we talk about, acknowledge, and negotiate it. Control is taken or given with informed consent.
How that plays out for each person depends on the relationship and dynamic. My longest term D/s relationship was while I was working in an environment where I was responsible for people and in a position of management. When I was at work, I was at work. But when we were together, even in vanilla situations there were specific things I had to adhere to, as we wanted a few simple little reminders that, in the bedroom I was submissive.
For example, if we went to eat out and had Asian food, I had to either eat with chopsticks or my hands. no knife and fork allowed. If I wore a skirt I couldn't wear knickers, if didn't want to flash, I had to choose an appropriate skirt, wear pants or ask permission to wear underwear. I had to ask permission to use the toilet. They were all things outside that we could control and use discreetly to extend D/s outside the bedroom, even in situations where I was actually Dominant (such as being a Dungeon Monitor / Mistress at a club).
But we started out in the bedroom only, we introduced them gradually as we became more comfortable together, as our trust increased. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"There is a quote that pretty much (not word for word accurate) has stuck in my brain for ever.
It was in a book on power dynamics within a BDSM based relationship written, I think, by Jay Wiseman. It was talking about how every relationship has some element of shifting control, no relationship is ever truly 50/50, after all, how often do you notice even in vanilla relationships that one person seems to make the decisions or defers to the other in certain situations.
The premise was that every relationship has a dominant and submissive partner when it comes to day to day living, the difference with BDSM or D/s based relationships is that we talk about, acknowledge, and negotiate it. Control is taken or given with informed consent.
How that plays out for each person depends on the relationship and dynamic. My longest term D/s relationship was while I was working in an environment where I was responsible for people and in a position of management. When I was at work, I was at work. But when we were together, even in vanilla situations there were specific things I had to adhere to, as we wanted a few simple little reminders that, in the bedroom I was submissive.
For example, if we went to eat out and had Asian food, I had to either eat with chopsticks or my hands. no knife and fork allowed. If I wore a skirt I couldn't wear knickers, if didn't want to flash, I had to choose an appropriate skirt, wear pants or ask permission to wear underwear. I had to ask permission to use the toilet. They were all things outside that we could control and use discreetly to extend D/s outside the bedroom, even in situations where I was actually Dominant (such as being a Dungeon Monitor / Mistress at a club).
But we started out in the bedroom only, we introduced them gradually as we became more comfortable together, as our trust increased."
I will look the author up, thank you. The issue I have is husband doesn't have the right attitude or mentality for it so I have to explore it with someone else. That's one of the reasons I want it restricted to the bedroom only and the times we're together. Taking it out of those boundaries is out of the question as I don't want it to affect my relationship with husband in any way. So it's unlikely I'd be going out with the dom partner or communicating much with him outside meet times. It's almost like a second life that doesn't interfere with the main one other than filling the void. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You can, as long as both are clear on the boundaries. The only problem from a dom's point of view it may feel like topping rather than D/S."
I see what you're saying. |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
We have a D/s relationship which is sort of both. Like I have control over most of my vanilla but I still have some rules. Like I'm not allowed to wear knickers ever unless there is prior consent. I'm not allowed to smoke (C hates it). I'm supposed to be respectful at all times (I'm a brat so slightly different).
Inside the bedroom C has full control.
We've naturally developed this way from vanilla and it works for us. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We have a D/s relationship which is sort of both. Like I have control over most of my vanilla but I still have some rules. Like I'm not allowed to wear knickers ever unless there is prior consent. I'm not allowed to smoke (C hates it). I'm supposed to be respectful at all times (I'm a brat so slightly different).
Inside the bedroom C has full control.
We've naturally developed this way from vanilla and it works for us."
That sounds like a great way to get into it. |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
"We have a D/s relationship which is sort of both. Like I have control over most of my vanilla but I still have some rules. Like I'm not allowed to wear knickers ever unless there is prior consent. I'm not allowed to smoke (C hates it). I'm supposed to be respectful at all times (I'm a brat so slightly different).
Inside the bedroom C has full control.
We've naturally developed this way from vanilla and it works for us.
That sounds like a great way to get into it."
It's worked for us!! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"The thing about D/s is there is no "right" way to it - only "your" way as agreed between two (or more informed and consenting adults).
BDSM and D/s have a very broad spectrum with occasional "kink play" at one end and pretty extreme play at the other - for some it may be 24/7, for others it may be just occasionally when the mood takes, for other still there may not be D/s involved at all, just mutual exploration of elements of BDSM that you enjoy.
The key is finding a partner who is on the same page as you as to what it represents for you both.
I have a very good idea of what I want from it. Finding the partner will be the hard part though."
Same as any other partner though really - whether it be on here, a life partner, or anything else really.
Know it shouldn't need to be said, but sadly it does, just be careful, there are a lot out there with some very ill informed views of what BDSM and D/s represent - many will *say* they are into it and know what they are talking about and make demands etc - hopefully the fact you know what you want will help guard against that though.
And as for this type of relationship alongside a happy and committed vanilla one - again it's completely possible with relevant agreement and boundaries in place, although to maintain it you may need to be prepared for "tasks" between the times you meet - not necessarily of a sexual nature or that would impact your existing relationship either. Some Dom/mes might for example ask you to read something and provide a detailed breakdown of your thoughts just as a means of maintaining an element of control between times. Again though that is entirely down to you to discuss and negotiate with a potential D/s partner within what you want from such a relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"The thing about D/s is there is no "right" way to it - only "your" way as agreed between two (or more informed and consenting adults).
BDSM and D/s have a very broad spectrum with occasional "kink play" at one end and pretty extreme play at the other - for some it may be 24/7, for others it may be just occasionally when the mood takes, for other still there may not be D/s involved at all, just mutual exploration of elements of BDSM that you enjoy.
The key is finding a partner who is on the same page as you as to what it represents for you both.
I have a very good idea of what I want from it. Finding the partner will be the hard part though.
Same as any other partner though really - whether it be on here, a life partner, or anything else really.
Know it shouldn't need to be said, but sadly it does, just be careful, there are a lot out there with some very ill informed views of what BDSM and D/s represent - many will *say* they are into it and know what they are talking about and make demands etc - hopefully the fact you know what you want will help guard against that though.
And as for this type of relationship alongside a happy and committed vanilla one - again it's completely possible with relevant agreement and boundaries in place, although to maintain it you may need to be prepared for "tasks" between the times you meet - not necessarily of a sexual nature or that would impact your existing relationship either. Some Dom/mes might for example ask you to read something and provide a detailed breakdown of your thoughts just as a means of maintaining an element of control between times. Again though that is entirely down to you to discuss and negotiate with a potential D/s partner within what you want from such a relationship."
Very good advice, thank you. |
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"Yes. It’s how we met. We had that sort of relationship for a couple of years before unexpectedly, as if had never been the original intention, we ended up as life partners with 2 kids together. The DS is still confined to the bedroom or clubs. Do you find it hard to turn it off in normal life? "
No. I guess, because we are at the kinky sex, pain and restraint mixed with some exhibitionism and humiliation, end of the BDSM continuum, rather than the high protocol end. Besides which, 24/7 sounds too much like hard work from a Dom’s perspective!
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"I'm intrigued and interested in exploring the D/S dynamic. I'm dominant in life and make my own decisions on everyday things (and I want it to stay that way) but when it comes to the bedroom I feel that I want to pass the reigns over to someone else.
I'm not looking for a wannabe dom to order me around in the bedroom or roleplay it but would like to experience the benefits of the actual dynamics.
I have done some reading about dom and sub roles, responsibilities etc, but everything seems to evolve around 24/7 relationship.
I know there are experienced people in the scene from both sides so the question is for you.
Is such relationship possible/viable as not a 24/7 relationship but restricted to the bedroom and the times when we're actually together?
Thanks."
Part time, bedroom only is quite possible! You can work out the dynamics with a suitable guy when you've met. It would suit a lot of really genuine people!
Best of luck with your search... I've always admired
the long term couples who have been together/even married,
for years! Well done for keeping the thrill going!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Is such relationship possible/viable as not a 24/7 relationship but restricted to the bedroom and the times when we're actually together?
Thanks."
Yes I believe it is, I do exactly that. |
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"Yes. It’s how we met. We had that sort of relationship for a couple of years before unexpectedly, as if had never been the original intention, we ended up as life partners with 2 kids together. The DS is still confined to the bedroom or clubs. Do you find it hard to turn it off in normal life? No. I guess, because we are at the kinky sex, pain and restraint mixed with some exhibitionism and humiliation, end of the BDSM continuum, rather than the high protocol end. Besides which, 24/7 sounds too much like hard work from a Dom’s perspective!"
Sounds like you've achieved the perfect balance, I so admire you both! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes! 24/7 D/s is actually quite rare. I've been a part of the bdsm lifestyle for a very long time and I can only deal with part time D/s. I have Dominant friends who I call Sir because they are former Dominants I've been in a committed dynamic with. I am a full time live in carer so I can't and won't take on any man who wants me to be submissive when I'm not with them in person. Fet lifestyle site has a lot of great information |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My advice on finding a Dom to play with is avoid anyone who demands you do as they say all the time. They should ask to meet you for a social to talk and negotiate what you both want. Talk to Keith BDSM DevonUK here on fab. He's a friend of mine and incredibly knowledgeable and completely trustworthy where it comes to D/s |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes! 24/7 D/s is actually quite rare. I've been a part of the bdsm lifestyle for a very long time and I can only deal with part time D/s. I have Dominant friends who I call Sir because they are former Dominants I've been in a committed dynamic with. I am a full time live in carer so I can't and won't take on any man who wants me to be submissive when I'm not with them in person. Fet lifestyle site has a lot of great information "
Thank you. I have done more research now and can clearly see how it would work and fit within my lifestyle. Just have to find a suitable partner now.
I'll be joining fet once I come up with suitable nickname as my present one is already taken there |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My advice on finding a Dom to play with is avoid anyone who demands you do as they say all the time. They should ask to meet you for a social to talk and negotiate what you both want. Talk to Keith BDSM DevonUK here on fab. He's a friend of mine and incredibly knowledgeable and completely trustworthy where it comes to D/s"
Thanks again, I've noted the name and will probably bug him once I'm ready and have questions
As far as the Dom goes I wouldn't accept anything like that as I have my own desires as well that need to be fulfilled. It's a contract on even ground, not a one way street. I fully understand that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes there are plenty of people in dom subs relationships which are not 24/7 x try other sites and read up on it x you will be pleasantly surprised x  "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes. It’s how we met. We had that sort of relationship for a couple of years before unexpectedly, as if had never been the original intention, we ended up as life partners with 2 kids together. The DS is still confined to the bedroom or clubs. "
Love this! |
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Following this thread with interest. I've seen similar threads on a fetish site degenerate into punchups. I'm exploring my ideas around d/s. I think I'm hiding my dom side, I'd love to unleash him. |
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D/s is and can be whatever you and the other party agree on. I know it’s a long way but I’m running a new to kink/bdsm night at HU9 fet night that I run. More info here https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/events/941931
Good luck finding the right person and dynamic |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"So nice to see a BDSM thread with lots of respect and courtesy. Has fab turned a corner on this subject?"
I'm not sure it's turned a corner as such but agree it's refreshing to have a thread on the subject that hasn't degenerated into the usual comments and nay sayers |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have a Domme/sub dynamic that's very much part our lovelife, but like you OP, our roles do seem to take the other direction to an extent in everyday life.
We do occasionally switch but very rarely and I'm more than happy being subversive to C.
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