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How important is this
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How important is this lifestyle to people? Have you lost relationships over it because one of you wanted it and the other didn't? Is it worth losing someone over that?
Just asking because I'm slightly concerned my relationship is heading that way and I want to try to sort out my thoughts, so would really appreciate any serious responses from people who've been in similar positions. |
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We've never been in that position. I would say though that if a swinging type of lifestyle is more important to someone than a current relationship then they're either in an unsuitable relationship or the terms of it need renegotiation. If it's openess and experimentation a person craves it can be achieved without actually having sex with other people . |
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My experience is that it can put a strain on a relationship if one wants it more than the other. Yes it would be great if a couple could say "Ok this is effecting us we will stop" more common is people take a break. They delete the account. Then open a new one several months later. It draws you back. The lifestyle can be addictive. It needs to be managed. With give and take on both sides. Communication is the key. |
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We were lucky that we met as singles here ,not had any problems in almost 4 years.
However if Jack or I wanted to stop,then we would.Our relationship comes first.
What problems are you having op?
Miss |
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Well we didn't meet on here, but I have tried to suggest that we try swinging to her; as a consequence we've gone to a few clubs to check them out and I've proposed the idea of a mmf situation to start with something she'd be more comfortable with, which she is saying she is thinking over (though she has been for a long time now which feeds into my second paragraph).
I don't ever want to force her into anything and I'm also not sure she will ever really want to try anything with anyone else involved (which is entirely fair enough), which leads to me to the dilemma that I've started with here.
I equally don't want to talk to her about this and unintentionally emotionally pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do to stay with me, because besides this I really am very happy with her, the happiest I've ever been.
So the only thing I can currently do is try to work through what I ultimately think about it myself and decide what I'm going to have to do. A part of me thinks it's idiotic to lose someone over this and the other part thinks that I'd be lying to myself if pretend this doesn't matter and just try to not think about it in our relationship. |
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I can say I've been non-monogamous and polygamous since being sexually active. I've had multiple relationships at the same time and I've been monogamous to make my partner happy.
I was miserable, one partner alienated all my friends from me because he was jealous it became just me and him. Then withholding sex as punishments amongst other things.
Another partner was virgin when I met him I gave him the option of seeking other women to meet and experience what it's like being with other women, he asked me to find them for him. I stipulated that if I was to make this effort I was allowed to enjoy it too he said no I wasn't allowed to have sex with anyone. So be it he was also banned from that point.
I enjoy multiple connections I can love others as well as my partner. No love is the same. But being with just one person made me miserable.
Think about what you actually enjoy about the freedom to have sex with others is it just sex? Or is it more than that?
I could easily have sex with anyone if I was attracted to them as long as I could trust they weren't going to cum and run leave me high and dry. That's proven hardest point of fab people can't be trusted. I do enjoy having playmates and companions more than one offs I'm just complex I don't orgasm easily if at all. One offs and hook ups rarely ever gave me what I needed.
So think hard what it is you want and if it's worth risking losing someone special over. Also is it something she can accept if you occasionally had sex with other women.
It's a deep conversation you need to have with yourself and your partner. Negotiations is all part of a relationship but so is being honest with yourself and your loved one.
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"Well we didn't meet on here, but I have tried to suggest that we try swinging to her; as a consequence we've gone to a few clubs to check them out and I've proposed the idea of a mmf situation to start with something she'd be more comfortable with, which she is saying she is thinking over (though she has been for a long time now which feeds into my second paragraph).
I don't ever want to force her into anything and I'm also not sure she will ever really want to try anything with anyone else involved (which is entirely fair enough), which leads to me to the dilemma that I've started with here.
I equally don't want to talk to her about this and unintentionally emotionally pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do to stay with me, because besides this I really am very happy with her, the happiest I've ever been.
So the only thing I can currently do is try to work through what I ultimately think about it myself and decide what I'm going to have to do. A part of me thinks it's idiotic to lose someone over this and the other part thinks that I'd be lying to myself if pretend this doesn't matter and just try to not think about it in our relationship."
if you don't want to talk to her about it how are you going to move forward? Your relationship involves the two of you, if something is giving you cause to doubt that relationship you absolutely need to discuss I with her. It could be that she doesn't want to swing but there are ways of discussing it that won't make her feel pressured. |
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Thanks I appreciate that. For me it's not about having sex with other people per se, it's more that the more I've come to understand this lifestyle, the more the appeal of being able to share it with someone I really love and trust appeals to me. I've also come to realise that I'm not remotely a jealous person; the opposite in fact, the idea of seeing the person I love being pleasured like that is really appealing to me.
And yes, you are no doubt right, I have to talk about it completely honestly at some point. I'm just aware of what it might mean for us and that's a somewhat terrifying thought. |
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"Thanks I appreciate that. For me it's not about having sex with other people per se, it's more that the more I've come to understand this lifestyle, the more the appeal of being able to share it with someone I really love and trust appeals to me. I've also come to realise that I'm not remotely a jealous person; the opposite in fact, the idea of seeing the person I love being pleasured like that is really appealing to me.
And yes, you are no doubt right, I have to talk about it completely honestly at some point. I'm just aware of what it might mean for us and that's a somewhat terrifying thought."
There are so many threads from men saying similar but somewhat less honestly. They are usually asking for ways to get their partner into swinging without having to actually mention it.
My opinion as a woman is that if you have a strong relationship it should be possible to discuss anything (legal)sexual without fearing the other person will bolt. Of course the reality s that its possible it will change your partners feelings and perceptions of you but its also possible that it will open up a whole new level of honesty that while it might not include swinging could lead to the realisation of fantasies you didn't even know either of you had.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Woman in life need to feel secureX Doesn’t metter in what sort of lifestyle she step into x Make her feel like she is the One not one of the million x Love scenario of mmf but as our relationship is still fresh I do preferre my man over anything xxx |
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Nicecouple
Well that isn't what Ive done, I've been open in saying this is something I wanted to try from early in our relationship (having been involved to a limited extent before I met her) and I'm genuinely not just some arsehole who wants to shag other women. But you're quite right that I need to talk to her about it, so thanks for the advise |
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"Nicecouple
Well that isn't what Ive done, I've been open in saying this is something I wanted to try from early in our relationship (having been involved to a limited extent before I met her) and I'm genuinely not just some arsehole who wants to shag other women. But you're quite right that I need to talk to her about it, so thanks for the advise "
I know I didn't think you were. It's just that fear of talking about stuff keeps many relationships from reaching their full potential. Good luck
ps if you click on reply+quote it quotes the post you're responding to. |
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"I know I didn't think you were. It's just that fear of talking about stuff keeps many relationships from reaching their full potential. Good luck
ps if you click on reply+quote it quotes the post you're responding to. "
Sorry didn't mean to be defensive there. And I totally agree, we wouldn't have the great sex life we have if we hadn't brought up trying new sex toys together and other fantasies we both enjoy, regardless of how it meant be taken by the other party
And thanks for the tip there!
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" What do you ideally want from swinging? "
Someone I can share this lifestyle with, where we both get pleasure out of seeing the other get pleasure, with each other and other people when we fancy it, without any need for jealousy. Plus enjoy meeting a community of people who I've come to think are often very friendly. |
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By *not123Couple
over a year ago
sp1 |
Talk it through with her/him if certain things they arnt happy with work round it so you both have things to enjoy together. We are friend couple with separate partners but adore each other so because I have feelings there are something I don't want so to stay together I tell him yes or no to things as I have had jealous moments |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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L could take it or leave it. M tends to be a little more invested in it. But in reality we have had to accept it isn't really a possibility at this time and deal with it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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the best relationships are those who know each other inside out and to do that you need to be able to talk openly and freely ... when me and hubs met we came from bad relationships ..we decide that we would lay bare everything so that our past would not happen again and here we are 26 yrs later still very strong and in love still very sexual and still swinging ..all because we talk to each other openly and freely |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
Taking someone who's not sure they want to become a 'swinger' to a club seems a sure way to ruin any chance of it actually happening.
The poor woman probably feels she needs to comply or be sacked.
You really shouldn't persuade anyone to become a swinger, at most you should find out what aspect of 'swinging' appeals to your partner, plant the seed and then patiently wait to see if the seed grows - this might take years. |
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