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Social anxiety!
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Hi, we've been hitting the clubs on and off for a couple of years, and generally have no problem with the sex but find the social side terrifying - we're both quite socially anxious people and struggle with approaching people and making conversation. Often when we go to clubs (especially on Saturday couples only nights) we find that lots of people are settling in and chatting when we just want to throw ourselves into an orgy... Do other couples feel the same, and any tips on getting through this? Is it reasonable to just be going for the sex and not the chatting? |
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"Yes of course it's reasonable to go just for the sex. Play in a public room and hopefully another couple will join you. "
Thanks Sally - we do! This tends to work pretty well on free-for-all nights but on couples nights we'll often find that people are a bit stand offish. Wondering if that's a common experience. |
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"Yes of course it's reasonable to go just for the sex. Play in a public room and hopefully another couple will join you.
Thanks Sally - we do! This tends to work pretty well on free-for-all nights but on couples nights we'll often find that people are a bit stand offish. Wondering if that's a common experience."
Is it possible that the other couples are misreading your anxiety as you being standoffish?
I'd suggest getting a good book on cognitive behavioural therapy and try and find a way to help your anxiety.
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"Yes of course it's reasonable to go just for the sex. Play in a public room and hopefully another couple will join you.
Is it possible that the other couples are misreading your anxiety as you being standoffish...
"
Almost certainly! And we're probably reading other people's anxiety in the same way. That was kind of part of the motivation for starting this thread, to see if other couples were struggling with the same thing. We're therapied up to the eyeballs but swingers clubs definitely feel like doing socialising on the super hard level for us. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Haven't been to a club for a while but back when I used to go regularly was very similar to you OP - would stand around in the social areas try and make eye contact and smile but usually fail miserably - if others approached us it wasn't so bad, or the hot tub was often good for striking up conversations or more but often the anxiety would get better of us, or we'd leave at the end of the night wishing we'd approached someone we'd liked the look of.
I don't think there is an easy answer to this one other than braving it up, and taking the attitude that the worst that can happen is someone says no. Which is not easy I know.
Maybe plan ahead and come up with a list of things to chat about and agree before going that you'll make an effort, try and catch someones eye and smile and if the opportunity arises go over and say hello.
Or maybe ask one of the hosts to introduce you to people?
It's easy to work yourself into a lather about it, trust me I know, but often just taking a deep breath and accepting that the worst that can happen is a polite no thank you is what is needed.
Good luck   |
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"Yes of course it's reasonable to go just for the sex. Play in a public room and hopefully another couple will join you.
Thanks Sally - we do! This tends to work pretty well on free-for-all nights but on couples nights we'll often find that people are a bit stand offish. Wondering if that's a common experience."
If you don't chat to people how do they know you want others to join in with you?
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By *nJ814Couple
over a year ago
And around other parts of the UK |
"Hi, we've been hitting the clubs on and off for a couple of years, and generally have no problem with the sex but find the social side terrifying - we're both quite socially anxious people and struggle with approaching people and making conversation. Often when we go to clubs (especially on Saturday couples only nights) we find that lots of people are settling in and chatting when we just want to throw ourselves into an orgy... Do other couples feel the same, and any tips on getting through this? Is it reasonable to just be going for the sex and not the chatting? "
We found hot tubs are the perfect talking area   |
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"Yes of course it's reasonable to go just for the sex. Play in a public room and hopefully another couple will join you.
Thanks Sally - we do! This tends to work pretty well on free-for-all nights but on couples nights we'll often find that people are a bit stand offish. Wondering if that's a common experience."
To answer this point, yes, we’d say although we much prefer couples nights, it can be much more stand offish than regular nights, with many couples going off to sit on their own. We kind of force ourselves to stand at the bar and engage, even if it’s just a compliment on an outfit etc.
Ok we understand you saying you have diagnosed social anxiety, but an awful lot of people do struggle in social settings, been many threads about it. Bear in mind if you do see others appearing to get “stuck straight in” often it’s with people they’ve met before.
“A swingers club is just a room full of friends you haven’t met before” |
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Got the same issue. I have high functioning Asperger's and she's not far off lol. We just struggle to approch couples.
The method of just start playing in the open does work but then there's no filter on who approached, often we find it's not the couples we like the look of.
We struggle to approch the couples around our age, start playing and then couples 20 years older than us want to join :/
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"Hi, we've been hitting the clubs on and off for a couple of years, and generally have no problem with the sex but find the social side terrifying - we're both quite socially anxious people and struggle with approaching people and making conversation. Often when we go to clubs (especially on Saturday couples only nights) we find that lots of people are settling in and chatting when we just want to throw ourselves into an orgy... Do other couples feel the same, and any tips on getting through this? Is it reasonable to just be going for the sex and not the chatting? "
We are exactly the same & it does our heads in. We’ve had some fantastic nights but had some equally bad nights. Maybe all us socially awkward couples should meet up for lol x |
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We found this at clubs where we hadn't planned to meet anyone before hand. Getting conversations going with people can be hit and miss and would eat up a lot of the night.
Now, we're usually the first to dress down and dissappear to the playrooms to do our own thing. We do find that this gets others to do the same Then it's a case of catching the eye of people who you feel a mutual interest with and away you go. |
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"Got the same issue...
"
That's exactly our experience. We definitely have some 'traits'! We've found strategies for negotiating work and suchlike but transferring those into a club is... Challenging. We often find that if we do the talking and socialising it switches us into another 'mode' which makes it hard to flip back into a space of desire and sexyhappyfuntimes. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts xx |
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"Social, banter go with the flow for us not into the orgy play with anyone. Suggest not a couples night more of a down to play for you or just go in group room and wait to be joined  "
Agreed, though the difficulty is that we both have very stressful jobs, so Saturday is sometimes the only night we can play, which for most clubs is a couples night. Let's get a club to run a a 'socially awkward but fuck like bunnies' mixer on a saturday... |
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"
Now, we're usually the first to dress down and dissappear to the playrooms to do our own thing. "
As are we, though we've found sometimes this puts us at a slightly different speed to other couples, as they're hitting the clothed blowjob phase while we're having anal I'm the middle of a playroom lol x |
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By *irtySekretsCouple
over a year ago
Filthy Desires Upon Trent |
Hi both.
Yes. We have the very same anxiety. We suppose it’s the fear of rejection. We like to think ourselves as an average but friendly couple. We are not models but we are not totally unattractive either. People never approach us either. And some look down their noses.
We too long for some really horny and passionate dirty sex but all we seem to find in Clubs is people who already know each other then disappear into a locked room. Or the couples who just want to play by themselves and who look about excited as a wet fish.
Of course, it’s each to their own, but Swinging has become quite dull.
Let’s start a revolution! Less Chit Chat and more orgy action lol
Enn & Ess xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi, we've been hitting the clubs on and off for a couple of years, and generally have no problem with the sex but find the social side terrifying - we're both quite socially anxious people and struggle with approaching people and making conversation. Often when we go to clubs (especially on Saturday couples only nights) we find that lots of people are settling in and chatting when we just want to throw ourselves into an orgy... Do other couples feel the same, and any tips on getting through this? Is it reasonable to just be going for the sex and not the chatting?
We are exactly the same & it does our heads in. We’ve had some fantastic nights but had some equally bad nights. Maybe all us socially awkward couples should meet up for lol x "
We are exactly the same!
We struggle in the bar area and on couples nights a lot of the times some of the couples are having planned meets with other couples and don't want disturbing etc.
We are definitely there for the sex and the chat part is the awkward bit for us. Like another poster mentioned we are usually the first to strip off and hit the play rooms. The only downside is like someone said sometimes the people approaching aren't the ones you were interested in and are 20-30 years older and not what we are looking for.
We have had some amazing nights playing with people orgies etc and other nights we just have fun ourselves / put on a show.
It's nice to read experiences and views of couples that match our own.
KJ x |
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By *nJ814Couple
over a year ago
And around other parts of the UK |
"Hi both.
Yes. We have the very same anxiety. We suppose it’s the fear of rejection. We like to think ourselves as an average but friendly couple. We are not models but we are not totally unattractive either. People never approach us either. And some look down their noses.
We too long for some really horny and passionate dirty sex but all we seem to find in Clubs is people who already know each other then disappear into a locked room. Or the couples who just want to play by themselves and who look about excited as a wet fish.
Of course, it’s each to their own, but Swinging has become quite dull.
Let’s start a revolution! Less Chit Chat and more orgy action lol
Enn & Ess xx"
Hear, hear  |
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"
It's nice to read experiences and views of couples that match our own.
KJ x "
Agreed! It's actually quite reassuring to read the responses on this thread and might help us to be a bit braver. Thanks to all for responding! |
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"
Let’s start a revolution! Less Chit Chat and more orgy action lol
Enn & Ess xx"
Absolutely! Perhaps we could mark ourselves out by wearing che guevara berets (and nothing else). Vive la revolucion! |
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By *JohnMan
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
I can have quite bad social anxiety, and I'm very shy at the best of times. The club has actually been great therapy.
I have to force myself to be sociable. It's difficult sometimes, and sometimes people aren't interested in talking with me. But it's an environment that feels safe, and there are some pretty good rewards for making an effort. |
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By *JohnMan
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
"would love to know if a get together ever happens. "
A Shy People's Party? Good idea! We'd have to install extra corners in whichever club it is, so everyone could have their own to sit quietly in |
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