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BDSM advice
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By *iBooBoo OP Couple
over a year ago
Kettering |
Hi all,
So myself and the one who obeys, are fairly into BDSM, we have tried most things, but he says I need to inflict more punishment as opposed to being nice with pain, he suggested visiting a pro Dom so I can watch / participate but I'm not keen on this idea, has anyone got any ideas how I can beat up my hubby in a nice way lol, as it's not in my nature to be horrid to the person I love.
He says I can and have done it when my head is in the right place but I don't remember ever being that mean to him.
I find it difficult to assume an acting role and say the right things. So looking for advice on how is best to approach this.
As I say we have and do do usual handcuffs, gag, spanking etc tied to a chair and left. But he says I need to be more Domme.
Any advice would be great, I'm sure there is a pro amongst us or a couple that can share their thoughts/ideas.
Many thanks x |
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Hi,
I read with interest and understanding..
Being "mean" isn't always easy.. yet, it isn't being mean, as he gets enjoyment from it. It can be hard to change ones "headspace" from seeing it's mean.. (took me years- and I now do things for fun, knowing the other person enjoys it just as much as I do it)
Options without visiting a pro domme..
Read and research..
Find porn clips under Femdom...
Find the bits you like and try them out...
Please do feel free to message me and I can share my knowledge.. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
Ah getting in the right headspace is half of the battle. Fake it till you make it does help here as once you see his enjoyment and reaction you'll start to see it less as 'being horrid'.
Negotiation also helps a lot here, talking about what makes you too nice, or would make it feel more like punishment for him, you can try a million things and never hit the right button, communication is key!
Even among pro dommes there are styles, levels of nasty or verbal abuse. I'm big into fear and mind games, I don't shout or loudly belittle, I whisper, I'm very vocal but most of the time it's only just audible.
Sit down and talk about what he wants, turn it into a game maybe? (Restrain him, have varying porn scenes to hand, gauge his reaction on his pleading/begging/cock?) |
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There are a lot of "easy" punishments available. Here's some ideas you both may find beneficial:
- kneel on uncooked rice
- hold stress positions
- eat something he hates (for me its peas!)
- eat a super hot chilli
- predicament bondage (he has to chose between pain, e.g. strap a pebble to the arch of his foot, he has to choose between walking on tiptoes or walk on the stone)
- write lines (his hand will hurt after a bit)
- do a repeatative meaningless task, like open and close a door 200 times
.... Plenty more
With a bit of though the punishment and pain doesn't have to be impact play. So many more creative ways.
Hope that's helpful and you find something that works for you both. |
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By *iBooBoo OP Couple
over a year ago
Kettering |
Of course I put being mean, but of course it's all concensual and for his punishment, and in my mind I can act out a great scenario but doing it in reality is quite different.
If I'm honest he would be happy to receive any of these things I have read, he would love physical and mental punishment, as long as it involved some kind of enjoyable punishment.
I do enjoy seeing him enjoy himself so I am of course happy to learn and take advice about this.
Some of these ideas I would never have thought of at all, so it goes to show how much I have to learn. We have just started the whisper thing as I quite like watching asmr and he finds this sexy.
Thanks everyone for your kind advice it really does help us. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Another factor would be whst is the point of the punishment, is it for him to learn or for him to enjoy.
Some people don't want to like punishment as it does not help change their behaviour, others see it as fun play.
Whatever works for you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are a lot of "easy" punishments available. Here's some ideas you both may find beneficial:
- kneel on uncooked rice
- hold stress positions
- eat something he hates (for me its peas!)
- eat a super hot chilli
- predicament bondage (he has to chose between pain, e.g. strap a pebble to the arch of his foot, he has to choose between walking on tiptoes or walk on the stone)
- write lines (his hand will hurt after a bit)
- do a repeatative meaningless task, like open and close a door 200 times
.... Plenty more
With a bit of though the punishment and pain doesn't have to be impact play. So many more creative ways.
Hope that's helpful and you find something that works for you both."
Lines is a form of punishments I hate so very effective |
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He's topping from the bottom. If it's consensual you need to be comfortable with it too. If you genuinely, genuinely want to take this in the direction he wants to go have a look at some dommes blogs and search on line book retailers for some non-fiction books with good reviews.
Have you ever seen the film The Duke of Burgundy? It's thought provoking |
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"I would love to learn more, so will look into these things, I have some books already but Im really a practical learner.
Never seen the film but definitely will now."
Watching others will give you an insight into the practical side but not really the psychological side. I don't know your dynamic but I think he needs to know psychologically that you are his domme, not only physically. That's where books help |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We’re in the same predicament so we have decided to go to a fetish/bdsm night to see what we can learn  "
Good luck
Most events will have a meet and greet team for newbies or just ask the staff |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
You could also head to your local munch, no play to watch but lots of people to chat to and you can see the dynamic between people in a 'normal' setting, great for learning and exploring the domination and submission side of things not just the physical play. |
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A bit of acting is ok but you will never be entirely happy doing that all the time, you need to find your own confidence and dominate personality and that can be a highly vocal demanding person to a quietly spoken confident one or even a mix of both.
Both honestly write things you enjoy doing separately and things you will not want to do and compare notes
Find the Kink site to meet other kinksters for ideas, munches and events are excellent, I’ve had so many ideas for fun things I would never have thought of
By all means go to a pro domme you can double domme and that’s on every subs wish list and pick up some ideas but to be honest anyone that’s been on the scene a while will be equally experienced or more so without seeing pound signs as it’s just for the fun, again meeting and making kink friends will enable that.
Most important is to just be yourself and do the things you enjoy
Whilst the pleasure is for both you are the boss!
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Some excellent suggestions here already OP and to add two books into the mix, both readily available on Amazon - SM101 and Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns are definitely recommendations for *both* of you to read.
Another suggestion would be to seek out one of the online BDSM questionnaires - the type that lists activities that you have to mark 1-5 in terms of interest - both of you complete the same one and then compare notes after - will give you some common ground to focus on and help establish "your" dynamic.
Remember there is no right way or wrong way to BDSM only the way you and your partner agree to. |
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By *iBooBoo OP Couple
over a year ago
Kettering |
"Some excellent suggestions here already OP and to add two books into the mix, both readily available on Amazon - SM101 and Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns are definitely recommendations for *both* of you to read.
Another suggestion would be to seek out one of the online BDSM questionnaires - the type that lists activities that you have to mark 1-5 in terms of interest - both of you complete the same one and then compare notes after - will give you some common ground to focus on and help establish "your" dynamic.
Remember there is no right way or wrong way to BDSM only the way you and your partner agree to."
I have these books already, and have read them but like I say I feel talking to people and seeing it, I learn better and pick up ideas.
The questionnaire is definitely something I will look into, that sounds interesting. As I say I think it's just a case of building confidence and a way that works well for us both with others experience and advice. |
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Buy a humbler for him, that will show him who's in charge lol.
Club nights are a great idea, you can talk to other couples and get ideas.
Sometimes dressing the part will make you feel more confident to x |
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By *iBooBoo OP Couple
over a year ago
Kettering |
"Buy a humbler for him, that will show him who's in charge lol.
Club nights are a great idea, you can talk to other couples and get ideas.
Sometimes dressing the part will make you feel more confident to x"
Wow that's something I haven't heard of, will get looking now. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Some excellent suggestions here already OP and to add two books into the mix, both readily available on Amazon - SM101 and Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns are definitely recommendations for *both* of you to read.
Another suggestion would be to seek out one of the online BDSM questionnaires - the type that lists activities that you have to mark 1-5 in terms of interest - both of you complete the same one and then compare notes after - will give you some common ground to focus on and help establish "your" dynamic.
Remember there is no right way or wrong way to BDSM only the way you and your partner agree to.
I have these books already, and have read them but like I say I feel talking to people and seeing it, I learn better and pick up ideas.
The questionnaire is definitely something I will look into, that sounds interesting. As I say I think it's just a case of building confidence and a way that works well for us both with others experience and advice."
No doubt talking to others will help too - but several ways of doing that (munches/fetish nights) had already been mentioned which is why I didn't do so again.
Has hubby read those books too? If not I'd suggest he does - might also help to sit down and try and understand what drives his interest and needs - has it been formed through watching BDSM porn for example? Or is it a more inner desire that he's always had and is looking to explore?
As a guy with a submissive side myself I always knew for years that I was "different" somehow just didn't quite know how until my eyes were opened to BDSM and I then started to explore and inform myself a little more.
The questionnaires will definitely help you find a common ground and things you both feel comfortable with - as well as providing other not so comfortable areas for you to find out more about and adapt.
As with anything though, communication is the key and sitting down and talking about *both* your feelings and understanding each others needs and desires can only be a good thing. |
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He wants you to get on ‘top’ to over power him.
Ask your self with that gift from him what could you do? What doors that excite you is he opening? There are no rule books. He wants your power. How are you powerful over him? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My first question would be what do you get out of dominating him, what dose it do for you how do you feel when you do it.
What thing you done in the past that gave you those good feelings and work on furthering them more first. |
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