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Shyness and (club) attention
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I was wondering if women in particular would be able to help me out with this.
Despite my persona, I can be a bit shy in person, particularly when I'm getting lots of attention.
I've changed shape significantly this year (weight loss/ weight lifting), and I feel like I've gone from being an option in clubs to getting intense attention. It's actually a bit intimidating and makes me not want to play. (I've also had more people touch me without asking, and when I'm already intimidated, I struggle to handle that).
I'm not sure whether repeat exposure will make this better, or there's another way. I want to meet (and fuck) nice people, but the all/ most eyes on me thing makes me want to go home. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was wondering if women in particular would be able to help me out with this.
Despite my persona, I can be a bit shy in person, particularly when I'm getting lots of attention.
I've changed shape significantly this year (weight loss/ weight lifting), and I feel like I've gone from being an option in clubs to getting intense attention. It's actually a bit intimidating and makes me not want to play. (I've also had more people touch me without asking, and when I'm already intimidated, I struggle to handle that).
I'm not sure whether repeat exposure will make this better, or there's another way. I want to meet (and fuck) nice people, but the all/ most eyes on me thing makes me want to go home. "
I think this cannot be changed, harsh truth women and men visit the club to fulfill sexual desire and they look for prey judge if it's easy one then intimate, it will always be there, either you can avoid and be a shy or change yourself become playful with dotted line and express, not to cross the line. Play full with eyes but stern with expression, and a partner cum bodyguard (women or man)  |
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"I was wondering if women in particular would be able to help me out with this.
Despite my persona, I can be a bit shy in person, particularly when I'm getting lots of attention.
I've changed shape significantly this year (weight loss/ weight lifting), and I feel like I've gone from being an option in clubs to getting intense attention. It's actually a bit intimidating and makes me not want to play. (I've also had more people touch me without asking, and when I'm already intimidated, I struggle to handle that).
I'm not sure whether repeat exposure will make this better, or there's another way. I want to meet (and fuck) nice people, but the all/ most eyes on me thing makes me want to go home.
I think this cannot be changed, harsh truth women and men visit the club to fulfill sexual desire and they look for prey judge if it's easy one then intimate, it will always be there, either you can avoid and be a shy or change yourself become playful with dotted line and express, not to cross the line. Play full with eyes but stern with expression, and a partner cum bodyguard (women or man) "
If they're looking for prey I'll shut down or leave. |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
"I was wondering if women in particular would be able to help me out with this.
Despite my persona, I can be a bit shy in person, particularly when I'm getting lots of attention.
I've changed shape significantly this year (weight loss/ weight lifting), and I feel like I've gone from being an option in clubs to getting intense attention. It's actually a bit intimidating and makes me not want to play. (I've also had more people touch me without asking, and when I'm already intimidated, I struggle to handle that).
I'm not sure whether repeat exposure will make this better, or there's another way. I want to meet (and fuck) nice people, but the all/ most eyes on me thing makes me want to go home. "
The only thing I would suggest is to go with someone you trust another lady or a gentleman who can watch out for you.
Or at least try not to play out in the open and use one of the lockable rooms if the club. |
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging. 
What is wrong with people!?"
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger. |
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger. "
The ideal reaction would be to immediately call them out on it and report them to the club. However I know that it isn't easy and we tend to freeze in those situations or go into a sort of 'did that just happen?' mode. |
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger.
The ideal reaction would be to immediately call them out on it and report them to the club. However I know that it isn't easy and we tend to freeze in those situations or go into a sort of 'did that just happen?' mode."
Oh indeed. Combining that with the disconcerting amount of attention I'm now getting... I really struggle to respond. It's hard. |
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Im exceedingly shy but as part of a couple and not being the prettiest im not inundated with attention
The club we go to is lovely and unwanted touching wouldnt occur .. the hosts have the visitors fully aware of the consent rules..
When the club is really busy i withdraw a little .. get overwhelmed .. i prefer the quieter nights ..
Fairly new to all this .. my shyness hasnt diminished but im hoping ill find ways to manage it better
Ms h |
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger.
The ideal reaction would be to immediately call them out on it and report them to the club. However I know that it isn't easy and we tend to freeze in those situations or go into a sort of 'did that just happen?' mode.
Oh indeed. Combining that with the disconcerting amount of attention I'm now getting... I really struggle to respond. It's hard. "
It must be. I can understand how you feel although I've never been in that position.
Could you go on a quieter night or have a word with the club staff? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is why I like Townhouse. Staff are all over the club and monitoring close, will happily go alone.
I got touched, told the person no, they continued, shouted no, and staff came in a flash to escort him out, no questions no mess after checking I was ok.
Do not be afraid to speak out even shout.
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There’s two parts to deal with here and often when people explain their issues it’s the one that comes second which is most important.
Being touched inappropriately is sexual assault, personally I’d like clubs to draw more people’s attention to this. Just because we’re naked (or nearly naked) it doesn’t mean there’s a sign on your tummy and arse saying “all welcome”.
When something bad happens, you’ve probably heard of the fight or flight response; you either respond hard or run away. However in some situations it’s more common for women to have a Freeze or Comply response.
A lifetime of conditioning brings this on, but the fact is that if a bloke touches you inappropriately, you probably won’t call out so staff can help.
Hopefully, once you know this is a real thing you can sort of train yourself to respond loud and clear, tell yourself before that it’s ok to do this. Rehearse a response like “Not without asking, dip-shit” or “fuck off away from me”.
What’s happened to you is quite common but unless you have someone with you the whole time (maybe not even then) you need to know it’s ok to tell them to stop.
Hopefully once you’re more in control of that, the first problem of attention won’t be so intimidating |
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"Perhaps you need to visit a better club OP? Sounds like the staff aren't quite on top of things. "
It's been several clubs tbh.
I'm starting to wonder if I should cover up more when I dress down, hide myself. |
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By *etro1940sCouple
over a year ago
Kingston upon Thames |
it is challenging for all genders ... but single ladies do get a lot of attention (be confident about yourself, dress to please yourself and flirt ... you never know how well that chit chat will turn out) ... clubs are a very good environment ... staff are also very keen to support ladies on their own ... if tempted come down south to our neck of the woods (my George will be the proper gentleman until you ask for something else) xx Anne |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unfortunately, it is a problem with swinging clubs, the unwanted attention/non-consensual touching. I think it stems from the frame of mind of some people that 'I paid my entrance fees and I expect to get on some action'. As well as some people thinking that any woman in a swingers club left their right to refuse sex when they crossed the club's threshold. Which is so not the case! I believe more awareness needs to be raised, both by staff/clubs but also in the swinging community that swingers clubs are not sex clubs. And that any event of non-consensual touching is assault.
I have to say that I feel you, OP. I wouldn't dare going to a club on my own, as wouldn't want to attract unwanted attention. As I can be rather shy, too, and I have now lost quite a lot of my confidence due to mobility issues. If you can, go to a club with a buddy - either male or female, whoever you feel more comfortable with. That way, you could both look out for each other. And do try and report anyone who crosses the line - though I know that's easier said than done. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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L has had a similar issue when we have been to nights where single guys are allowed.
Cupids is great on a Wednesday as its couples and single females and we have never had any issues and everyone really respectful.
Great to go and arrange to meet with a couple for a chat and relax in to it. 
Best wishes x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Put electric bra or steel thorn on bra surely no one will touch not making fun, but I don't see any solution (visit couple only days, awareness, educate blah blah!). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was wondering if women in particular would be able to help me out with this.
Despite my persona, I can be a bit shy in person, particularly when I'm getting lots of attention.
I've changed shape significantly this year (weight loss/ weight lifting), and I feel like I've gone from being an option in clubs to getting intense attention. It's actually a bit intimidating and makes me not want to play. (I've also had more people touch me without asking, and when I'm already intimidated, I struggle to handle that).
I'm not sure whether repeat exposure will make this better, or there's another way. I want to meet (and fuck) nice people, but the all/ most eyes on me thing makes me want to go home. "
.
One that works for me when I'm accompanying a lady to a club if a guy touches them or anyone else inappropriately is to say. Hey .. don't get thrown out for something that you might regret.This usually does the trick and they stop as they don't want to risk a ban. It's the non regulars you have to watch out for . I'm also pretty stern in the play rooms if they approach the bed. I tell them to give us a little bit of space and wait to be invited. I guess this is why it's always good for a single female in a club to have a wingman  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger.
The ideal reaction would be to immediately call them out on it and report them to the club. However I know that it isn't easy and we tend to freeze in those situations or go into a sort of 'did that just happen?' mode.
Oh indeed. Combining that with the disconcerting amount of attention I'm now getting... I really struggle to respond. It's hard. "
I go to clubs on my own and initially had the same response; in honesty, even now some nights are too much and I don’t play.
You really do have to say no. It sounds harsh to me, and probably to you, but it’s the only clear way. I also clearly state ‘I’m not playing tonight’ or ‘just a social’ in conversation when I’m not feeling the vibe on a club night too.
People either walk off or accept it and continue to socialise, which is better; I tend to never speak to those who walk off again 
I prefer now to chose myself and approach rather then feel like the prey.
It’s only unwanted attention because you don’t feel the attraction back and a simple no has generally sufficed. Only a few times have I had to use the ‘club rule’ line 
Remember that you’re their for your enjoyment and pleasure - do what suits you x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger.
The ideal reaction would be to immediately call them out on it and report them to the club. However I know that it isn't easy and we tend to freeze in those situations or go into a sort of 'did that just happen?' mode.
Oh indeed. Combining that with the disconcerting amount of attention I'm now getting... I really struggle to respond. It's hard.
I go to clubs on my own and initially had the same response; in honesty, even now some nights are too much and I don’t play.
You really do have to say no. It sounds harsh to me, and probably to you, but it’s the only clear way. I also clearly state ‘I’m not playing tonight’ or ‘just a social’ in conversation when I’m not feeling the vibe on a club night too.
People either walk off or accept it and continue to socialise, which is better; I tend to never speak to those who walk off again
I prefer now to chose myself and approach rather then feel like the prey.
It’s only unwanted attention because you don’t feel the attraction back and a simple no has generally sufficed. Only a few times have I had to use the ‘club rule’ line
Remember that you’re their for your enjoyment and pleasure - do what suits you x "
.
Well said  |
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"Perhaps you need to visit a better club OP? Sounds like the staff aren't quite on top of things.
It's been several clubs tbh.
I'm starting to wonder if I should cover up more when I dress down, hide myself. "
Absolutely not!! You have worked hard so be proud of that and dress as sexy as you want. I attract a bit of attention from single men, but any unsolicited touching doesn't end well for them. You need to find your loud voice. First touch in a non sexual place is always given a loud 'no', subsequent or intimate touch unleases my wrath and they get a very loud 'fuck off don't touch me' and report to staff. Over the years I guess my flight reflex has been trained , like someine has suggested. It annoys the hell out of me.
What sort of scenarios are you attracting the attention - changing rooms? playing in open spaces? social areas? They may need different responses. |
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I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do. |
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And I'm not doing the gym thing to look good. I've heard a lot of "well what do you expect?" about my gym work and the changed attention.
I lift as a hobby. I swing as a hobby. I expect to engage in my hobbies? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've not yet been to a club - going for the first time on Sunday - and whilst I expected the ladies to get attention I am horrified about this. In a nightclub I know guys will try it on but hopefully they get the hint and move on, but it seems from the above that in swinger clubs it can (and I must stress can as I'm sure not all places are the same) be the case that people are more full on and don't take 'no' for an answer. As has been said above, it is sexual assault and no wonder ladies can be sharp with responses or downright concerned about going alone, which is a shame. As the OP said, it is her hobby so she should be allowed to do it and without fear of repercussions. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do. "
I understand how you feel completely. I have been going to clubs for a while, and I feel I should be flattered by attention but I have never felt comfortable or relaxed, because I feel like people are looking at me. Which they probably aren’t but I just feel like they are, I used to hide in the ladies for a little while when I felt so overwhelmed or even leave early, when I would go to a club on my own. My shyness is unfortunately still bad, I can’t even get into a hot tub unless I wear something. Even the idea of being naked in front of lots of people makes me panic. I wish I could say it gets easier over time and the more you go. But for me it hasn’t, and I also want to enjoy this lifestyle but at the moment with these feelings I cannot. I’m hoping that taking a long break and trying to work on myself and my feelings of shyness, away from clubs, will eventually allow me to go back to clubs feeling more comfortable there. I hope you find a way to control your shyness xx |
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"I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do. "
You're obviously upset and frustrated by this and I'm sorry I focused on the part of your post you least wanted advice on.
I don't know how you stop people looking or paying you unwanted attention. I can suggest two things, dress to become invisible or accept the attention as normal.
Just as we're always telling the straight guys who complain about other men looking at their profile we have no control over who looks.
 |
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"I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do. "
Maybe don't go to clubs then if you don't like attention. People are trying to help you not add insult to your injury. A good looking woman will always get attention in clubs. It is the nature of the beast. |
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"I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do. "
Please please don't take this the wrong way, but if the looking and attention is the issue it might suggest that the problem is your internal reaction to it. It sounds as if you've changed body shape but not gained confidence in the process (in this scenario anyway). A single woman in a club will get looks and attention, that's the nature of the beast, but rather than covering up more or hiding in a corner perhaps you need to focus on claiming your personal space, holding your head up high and kind of mentally dismissing the gawpers and lookers. You can't control people looking but you can change how it makes you feel - NLP or similar might be of help? x |
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"I know, in theory, how to handle unwanted touching. I used to handle it. And tbh it's only adding insult to injury here. Everyone is focused on the touching. I want less attention.
Anywhere I'm dressed down, I feel like I'm being stared at. The number of people coming up to me has increased significantly. Yes it's probably flattering, hypothetically, but I feel overwhelmed by it and I want them to stop, look somewhere else. It makes me clam up, which is the last thing I go to a club to do.
Please please don't take this the wrong way, but if the looking and attention is the issue it might suggest that the problem is your internal reaction to it. It sounds as if you've changed body shape but not gained confidence in the process (in this scenario anyway). A single woman in a club will get looks and attention, that's the nature of the beast, but rather than covering up more or hiding in a corner perhaps you need to focus on claiming your personal space, holding your head up high and kind of mentally dismissing the gawpers and lookers. You can't control people looking but you can change how it makes you feel - NLP or similar might be of help? x "
I think this is good advice.
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By *rK MrsJCouple
over a year ago
Kidderminster |
"I have nothing helpful to add but the touching thing would have me raging.
What is wrong with people!?
It all happens so quickly and I don't know how to react. It didn't used to when I was bigger. "
All you need to remember is you are in charge and no means no including touching, |
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