FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Are we a Prudish?
Are we a Prudish?
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By * n C OP Couple
over a year ago
co. durham |
Hi R here - Rachel............
Ok We visited a Club over the weekend. Were a Bi female couple just looking for bi women/bi woman couple with no sexual contact with the man. We got chatting to a other couple for 10 mins, much older (we only like youngish nothing over 4o) we found them quite pushy well the male more so, he wanted the whole hog...we didn't....i said were a bi female couple and he just pointed at his wife. In away i felt he had no respect and just assumed we would pick any one, he did act despite. A friend of ours said you could see we where not comfortable. He seemed to want to hold / hug me grabbed me arm despite me pulling it off him.
Are we just completely prudish and picky? Were still fairly new to this and the club we visited over the weekend was our first ever visit to any club, its taken us months to pluck up the guts to go. And after what happened its left me questioning if this life style suits us. Were in no way like this man... we have limits and there must be a attraction, can't stand pushy/ despite people. We also like to get to know the other couple very well before playing/meeting.
Whats peoples views? are we a sex snob?
Please reply here or inbox us with your honest views.
Also couple people look at our account and give us feedback from it.
Thanx all xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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nope ...think you were right sounds to me like they were trying to pressure you into something you didnt want to do . You have limits and are human beings ,not a peice of meat , your there for your pleasure not the amusement of others . I'm sorry to hear that your first experience wasn't great . Not everyone is like that there are some fantastic couples and singles around unfortunately there are your fair share of arseholes too . Stick to your guns and never do anything you dont want to do would be my advice . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No I don't think you are being picky at all and I think had it been me and my partner, we would have walked especially as he is not bi in any way. It does make me think of those couples where the man wants to swing but the woman doesn't and is being pushed into it by him.
Everyone is entitled to a preference, if you look at someone and think, they're nice but then chat and decide no thanks, then that is your choice, simple 
Don't let it put you off going to clubs just be stronger next time and tell em to f*** off   |
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Hi both - really sorry to hear of your experience - NO it really shouldn't be like that! - infact totally the opposite. We've talked to people who we're not sexually attracted too, and vice versa and just have a bit of a giggle.
Unfortunately there will always be a few who ruin it for the rest. Our experience has been that prettying all the time swingers are the most tolerant, understanding, non pushy people you're likely to meet.
Hopefully you'll give it another go as I'd like to think you just got unlucky.
Cheers
D&K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hey, didn't you read the small print on the swingers contract? Y'know, the bit which tells you that you HAVE to play with anyone who wants you? Regardless of if you like them or not?
In all seriousness, you did the right thing. All the clubs seem to emphasize choice and "no is no".
Hope you have better luck in the future. |
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"Hi both - really sorry to hear of your experience - NO it really shouldn't be like that! - infact totally the opposite. We've talked to people who we're not sexually attracted too, and vice versa and just have a bit of a giggle.
Unfortunately there will always be a few who ruin it for the rest. Our experience has been that prettying all the time swingers are the most tolerant, understanding, non pushy people you're likely to meet.
Hopefully you'll give it another go as I'd like to think you just got unlucky.
Cheers
D&K"
This^^^^^
Sorry you met a prat, swinging shouldnt be like that, and in our experience of clubs never has been.
Hope it doesnt put you off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most club have dedicated Bi-Nights, and i think perhaps you would be better to attend on one of those nights where I think people would be more respectful of your wants and needs. Its horrible when a club experience goes wrong, but keep your chin up, its not always like that, and dont worry about being a sex snob, your not, you just have standards!! If that ever happens again, report the person to the management and hopefully they will be removed from the club and wont be able to pester anyone else like that xxx |
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Oh and feedback on the profile...part of me says it is you, so dont change it...however i find it very agressive and indeed pushy, which i do not think is how you want to come across.
Now i know i may not be your type(too old) but i meet couples where the fem is bi for exactly what you are looking for and i find your profile off putting...
And remove the sydney uni warning, its pointless .
As i said from reading this thread you seem nice, but read your profile with an objective eye and you might see what i mean...you can make your needs clear without being aggressive or negative. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By the sounds of it this mans behaviour was completely out of order,, i would have just walked away and told him where to go.
if someone isn't what you are looking for, let them know straight away, if they still want to chat then thats great, clubs are good for socialising as well as sexy fun.
but if someone got grabby with me i would tell them to stop.. if they didn't i would expect my partner to step in (not that i cant look after myself though) and tell them to back off... i would also depending on how far it went report them to the owners of the club as this kind of pushy behaviour is not tolerated in any of the clubs we attend and is actively discouraged by the owners.
I'm sorry your first experience was a bad one, however don't be put off, not all clubs are like that and not all people who attend are pushy like that... as someone else suggested there are alot of bi fem club nights that you can attend which are always fun because you know where everyone stands then.. but still on the bi fem nights there will be some full swap couples.. but alot of full swap couples are happy to do fem only fun (playing with own partners usually though) |
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By *evilwolfCouple
over a year ago
Leicestershire |
Yep... the 'feck off' trick especially when the lady of the couple says it usually does the trick... and if that don't work follow up with an extremely loud emphasised NO and that should turn enough heads and bring enough help if anything ever gets out of hand
How rude to go mauling people to try and get their own way. Me I'd reather lead them into temptation 
Wolf
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By * n C OP Couple
over a year ago
co. durham |
Hi everyone,
Thanx so much for all of your reply's and its nice to know that we where not in the wrong! I honestly thought i was being way to harsh with people and maybe snobbish. Also thanx to the people who's checked our profile I have amended it. :0)
I did end up saying a firm NO to the man,He tried to get us into a private room and then - He just started to say oh just relax, relax then banging on about jealousy issues, and how long it had taken him to get over seeing his wife with others (basically implying this was how we felt)! At that point i think his wife knew and started to say things to him,like leave them alone - i think in away it may of been the drink talking too as he seemed to not make sense and luckily this was at the end of the night when we could make the "oh weve got to leave now" excuse. Thing was there was single men (only a selected few) and they where more well behaved then this man in a couple, think i personally thought a experience like this would of came more from a single man not from a couple - sorry if this offends any single men reading this!( i know some of you are lovely true gents)
Will defo be going back too xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What a nightmare...we too would feel intimidated if someone like that was so pushy on our first visit to a club. Don't blame you for being picky, you like what you like and shouldn't feel under pressure to change your preferences to suit others.
Hope you enjoy your 2nd visit  |
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No you aint picky or prudish, you know what you like and what you want.
Seems you met some of the people that no one really wants to meet.
There are loads of nice folks around, some couples, some ladies and even some single guys.
Enjoy what you want to do and ignore these type of people.
i am sure you wont be pressured into anything you dont want to do, but if someone trys especially at a club decline politely then tell them to clear off and if that dont work get them thrown out.
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"No you aint picky or prudish, you know what you like and what you want.
Seems you met some of the people that no one really wants to meet.
There are loads of nice folks around, some couples, some ladies and even some single guys.
Enjoy what you want to do and ignore these type of people.
i am sure you wont be pressured into anything you dont want to do, but if someone trys especially at a club decline politely then tell them to clear off and if that dont work get them thrown out.
"
Strangely even us singles can be picky and won't just play with anyone...
I had a similar experience in a club from a women. It got to the point where another couple had a word with me for ignoring my partner as she was upset at my refusal to play!
When I pointed out she wasn't my partner they were most surprised! Needless to say I left!
Did decide to go back a couple of weeks later hoping she wouldnt be there to an apology from the owners telling me she was not welcome and sadly it was down to her being pissed!
So you're not alone! And it shouldn't happen to anyone and yes keep your standards...
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By *umourCouple
over a year ago
Rushden |
What a shame that an old geezer like me has treated you like that! That is not what you need or should expect from anyone in the swinging scene and you should not have to put up with that. If it happens, tell the management, they will sort it for you.
My good lady is a good deal tastier than me and does tend to get chatted up when we visit clubs. If she is not comfortable with what is being said or done, such as touching without asking or grabbing her arm, he gets a warning to stop, from her..
Second warning is from me and that is his last. We have only ever had to have one guy ejected from a club. It was a man from a couple and he and his wife were asked to leave. Drink is no excuse..
Don't take crap from anyone, you are better than that (and tasty as well!) It can put you off, but they are few and far between, so get out there and enjoy! xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a very interesting thread, and is the main reason I've always fought shy of visiting a club.
OK, so you'd have to be blind to try to force yourself on me, but I still wouldn't feel comfortable knowing that it could happen.
I also suspect that some men go to these clubs thinking that any woman will let them have their way. Must be even worse for women, particularly if they are of a shy nature.
Which leads me to another question - Does anyone know if there have been cases of sexual assault in a swingers club?
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
I actually get the opposite problem - lack of interest. I know there's no way of knowing how an evening will be in advance, but I have been to a couple of clubs and pretty much been ignored. I know I am supposed to approach people myself but am quite shy. I find it hard to start conversations with strangers, but at Chams, La Chambre and Partners I have spoken to people and got into a nice chat, then they've gone off to play with others and I'm sat on my tod wondering whether I should change my deoderant.
I'd love to know if there is anything I can do to change this. Reading the club reviews there are several complaints about being followed by single men to which I say chance would be a fine thing!  |
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Its not lack of interest for me, but it wouldnt be far wrong to say that i am paranoid about looking pushy.
i would rather be critisied for being 'uninterested' than for trying to push myself on a lady / couple.
There is a definate pecking order in clubs and on Fab when it come to swinging and us guys are at the bottom (unless you are young and have a 10 inch cock it seems....)
As for drink not being an excuse... when i am at a club, or a meet i do not drink.... (unless its some one i know well but certainly not on a first meet with anyone) |
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I think there is something about clubs, something about making people hand over "cash" for entry seems to in some peoples minds think they they are "due" a shag.
The trouble seems to get amplified if you're quite nice and dont want to go right to the "fuck off's" its a difficult thing to let someone know its not happening in a club environment and its just made worse by the very pushy demographic that go to them.
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"I think there is something about clubs, something about making people hand over "cash" for entry seems to in some peoples minds think they they are "due" a shag.
The trouble seems to get amplified if you're quite nice and dont want to go right to the "fuck off's" its a difficult thing to let someone know its not happening in a club environment and its just made worse by the very pushy demographic that go to them.
"
i wouldnt dream of assuming i am due a shag, even having paid.
and i am not pushy, i dont need a 'fuck off' i can read body language more than verbals ...
i am sure i aint the only one who just enjoys the chat and if i am lucky some fun with a sexy lady / couple / group.
but i will concede there are some people who cant take No for an answer in clubs in chat and in life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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you are completely right to feel like that no one has the right to lay a finger on you without your permission, some people can be pushy but they are the ones who get a bad name and end up having no fun, you are entitled to have your preference with reguards to who you meet and what you are willing to do on that meet, do not be put off with clubs that may just be a bad club, i have been to a couple and been very comfortable with non pushy people and good owners who actually do something about the pushy ones, dont give up just yet, we have all got our bad experience stories to tell with this scene but that is no different to life in general and hopefully when you find what you are looking for you will get the answer as to weather this is for you or not |
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By *evilwolfCouple
over a year ago
Leicestershire |
"
The trouble seems to get amplified if you're quite nice and dont want to go right to the "fuck off's"
"
I think a few ladies have broached this kind of thing before over telling people who message them no, and feeling guilty of having to say it, or the idea of letting someone down gently.
So in a club with potentially pushy people, or individuals who will attempt to coerce, steer the ship in their own direction... that kind of behaviour ignorant of other people's wishes, that people need to be equally as assertive for their own sakes and tell such individuals in no uncertain terms.
Bear in mind that whatever someone has done to you, they will almost certainly do to others, and the way to deal with unsociable behaviour is to nip it in the bud from the get go.
I certainly wouldn't get guilt-ridden over that...
Wolf
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"
i wouldnt dream of assuming i am due a shag, even having paid.
and i am not pushy, i dont need a 'fuck off' i can read body language more than verbals ...
i am sure i aint the only one who just enjoys the chat and if i am lucky some fun with a sexy lady / couple / group.
but i will concede there are some people who cant take No for an answer in clubs in chat and in life."
I don't think this is a large scale problem, but in all walks of life it tends to be the smaller negative experiences that influence the others.
I have talked to a lot of people at the clubs we have visited and almost everyone has 1-2 negative "pushy asshole" story and its quite annoying that there is this attitude amongst an admitted minority that think they can touch and do what they want with impunity.
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By *abrina59TV/TS
over a year ago
moved to cuckold land |
Id say you were completely right.
never been to a club myself yet however whether a club enviroment or not everyone there to enjoy themselves ENJOY being the main word.
I know more than most that not to everyones taste and others to mine but people have spoken to have accepted that and we move on.
A club likely have enough ppl cater for most tastes and we should just accept when we not what others want be we straight/bi/single/cpl.
Dont let him put u of i hope as im sure u will find others who make visits so enjoyable. |
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"
I certainly wouldn't get guilt-ridden over that...
"
Well not guild ridden per say, but were both new to the scene and we are looking not just to fuck but to make friends in this community and there are plenty we would love a chat and a laugh with but dont instantly want to "fuck".
For some reason being quite affable is taken as a "oh they definately want to fuck us" signal. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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id say you are right to question the cpl. sounds to me he was a complete knobhead 
reminds me of our 1st time at a swingers club myself and my female friend were in the jaccuzi when a older gentelman and his wife came in also,,wee min later i felt the old guys hand rubbing my thigh!!!
feck i nearly fainted so i moved over a bit thinking it might be my imagination,,nope the guy moved closer again and felt his hand on my thigh again,,so i got up and left with my friend,,
not a nice experience and havent been to another club since 
auds xx |
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By * n C OP Couple
over a year ago
co. durham |
Thanx to everyone who commented :0) Terrible to hear of others bad experiences but also feel that were not the only ones to experience a "bad time". The club we visited had a strict rule of the Women rule the roost basically and no means no. I wish in a way we maybe should of informed those on reception. Hopefully we never see them again.
And i also think in away I need not to be so shy! As others have pointed out here it's easier saying no thanx on a computer rather then No Thanx verbally face to face and feeling like your letting people down.
Thanx again to everyone time they have taken to answer us. I'm planning on going back to this club in the near future so iv put up a meet and event thing is anyones in our area etc be great to get to know them and lead to a possible meet at the club and friendship xx |
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Think like everyone else on the thread then I'd sy again, the guy was out of order.
Our first club visit was fine for meeting plenty of couples to chat to. Only the one guy who pestered Nym to which a firm fuck off did the trick. So I'd recommend that! Lol.
We found a local couple who organise smaller parties who are all a good laugh and good fun to be what we were most comfortable with. So I'd see if there were maybe any regular local parties that might suit you too.
Glad you've got the courage to go back though.
We're not all arseholes... Honest! |
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"id say you are right to question the cpl. sounds to me he was a complete knobhead
reminds me of our 1st time at a swingers club myself and my female friend were in the jaccuzi when a older gentelman and his wife came in also,,wee min later i felt the old guys hand rubbing my thigh!!!
feck i nearly fainted so i moved over a bit thinking it might be my imagination,,nope the guy moved closer again and felt his hand on my thigh again,,so i got up and left with my friend,,
not a nice experience and havent been to another club since
auds xx "
Actually a touch on the thigh is considered to be polite, you simply needed to tell him you didnt want to play...many older guides to swinging specifically say touch someone on the thigh or shoulder to show your interest...
Clubs only work if you are willing to accept you need to be proactive about saying no..woman might have the power of no, but they need to use it... |
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What he wants from the scene is completely irrelevent.
You decide what swinging means to you, not him.
You set your own rules, not him.
Its your relationship, not his.
Its your fantasy, not his.
You were not in the wrong, he was. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When you attend swinging clubs you have to be assertive because you will get people who come across as pushy. Its best to develop a way of saying no whilst remaining polite, so both parties understand the message but feel comfortable and not offended.
You are not forced to sit and talk to people you don't want to. You get up and walk away. You don't have to stay and listen to anyone trying to persuade you, a club is big enough to move around out of the way. If someone continues to follow you, you tell them you are not going to play with them. Noone can force you to do anything or push you into private rooms. I also wouldn't even attempt talking to anyone who was d*unk.
I had a situation whereby a couple kept following me. I did chat at the start, there was never an interest to play from me and I didn't ever insinuate I was the slightest bit interested. Talking does not mean you want sex with someone in my eyes.
I saw this couple in various rooms I was in. I kept my distance. I saw them in the jacuzzi and just ignored them but on the way out of the jacuzzi, my OH in front of me, the guy grabbed me and held me tightly to him and wrapped his legs around me so I couldn't move. He said to me 'I've waited all night for you, its my turn now'. At that point I said, in a loud voice so everyone could hear 'get your hands off me now' and it was obvious from my tone that I was not pretending. My OH turned and grabbed the mans arm. He did release me immediately, and had I been on my own other guys/people around are always happy to help if they can see a guy being pushy. The majority of swingers won't tolerate bad behaviour.
So be assertive, be firm and clear with what you want, don't ever feel obliged to do what others want, it can be said politely but if you sit around and put up with inappropriate touches without saying anything, this can be perceived, especially to those drinking, as acceptance, don't allow the possibility of mixed messages |
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Yes, I agree with above poster, well said.
Don't waste your time speaking to people you're not interested in. Don't even make eye contact with them as you're wondering around.
I think polite sometimes doesn't work with some people.
Worse nightmare having someone you're not interested in bearhugging you.....
Read your profile, and although some will appreciate your forthrightness. It would put me off....bit too demanding for me!
Best wishes!
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"Yes, I agree with above poster, well said.
Don't waste your time speaking to people you're not interested in. Don't even make eye contact with them as you're wondering around.
I think polite sometimes doesn't work with some people.
Worse nightmare having someone you're not interested in bearhugging you.....
Read your profile, and although some will appreciate your forthrightness. It would put me off....bit too demanding for me!
Best wishes!
"
Agreed, to the extent that I now largely make eye contact with those that I find attractive only, and watch out for those whose body language is emphasising their interest, so that I can move away, or reject it, subtly at first.
Thankfully, the words 'stop' and 'no' have become very helpful, always polite and sensitive, but some people need incredibly clear, sometimes very assertively put stop commands.
Generally people are really respectful, and it sounds like you got unusually bad luck with them. Don't let it put you off, as your fun is what's most important. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a guy come up to me at the a club on friday and dry hump me from behind!! How very rude i thought, told him to feck off rather rudely and loudly....but then later was told by a friend that i knew him and had played with him a few weeks earlier!!! eeek! |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"Yes, I agree with above poster, well said.
Don't waste your time speaking to people you're not interested in. Don't even make eye contact with them as you're wondering around.
I think polite sometimes doesn't work with some people.
Worse nightmare having someone you're not interested in bearhugging you.....
Read your profile, and although some will appreciate your forthrightness. It would put me off....bit too demanding for me!
Best wishes!
"
see... up to a point i can see what you are saying, but I dont agree with the first part of what you said....
i am a gobshite in a club, people will attest to that and to be honest i'll chat to anyone.... that is the way i am, and if that is the way they are then i would say don't change that for a second....
just because i am talking to someone it doesn't mean i am making any assumptions or presumptions... i am not sending out any signals... i am just talking...
the onus shouldn't be on them, it should be on the other people not to assume....
if i went to a club, and people didn't talk to others just because they didn't want to play with them.... i'd be in and out of that club like a shot.... |
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By * n C OP Couple
over a year ago
co. durham |
Morning again all.
We talk to anyone a everyone also. I'm dead chatty can talk a glass eye to sleep. I find others interesting and as we don't have many friend's in the swinging scene, so like to hear others opinions and stories. We didn't really approach this couple the man sort of gatecrashed our convo with someone (but again with this being a first visit we where not sure if that is how it roll's in clubs).
The people whom have commented about our profile would you mind telling us which parts you have found demanding (just so we could maybe amend and re write parts) We don't mean to come across this way just we like to stress were not a full swap couple from the start saves wasting others time.......also we find others ask questions that could be answered by reading the profile thru out (but again i am sure were not the only one who finds this)......please let us know we don't want to frighten people away 
Thanx all really appreciate all comments xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It varies from club to club ans who is on on any particular night. You will get some who have no respect and have a partner to trade or it sometimes seems like that. Thankfully this sort of person is rare and you were unfortunate.
You are quite right to stay selective, its not about quantity its all about enjoyment with people you like. You may meet less that way but the ones you do meet it will be much more rewarding. Good luck and enjoy xxx |
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we had the same years ago we wernt full swap and maybe frowned upon by regulars we were f2f progressed onto soft swop ,early years in the clubs ppl thought we were prudish ,one nite in club a reg threw a condom wrapper into the mrs face and said "she needs a real man" he did say sorry after he picked himself up aye the mrs can stick up for her self .if you return to the club ignore this fella if he trys same thing again use some tone in your voice it alerts others you will find ppl wont bother with him he will soon get the message, thing is exp users of the club no the score least the wife stepped in.
dont let it put you off as some nearly did to us years ago we rode it out and glad we did . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with Fabio about the points he makes about talking to people in clubs.
In my previous post I wasn't insinuating that you shouldn't talk to those you do not wish to play with. What I meant was if people were uncomfortable talking to someone because they felt they were coming on a bit strong, then they can always walk away, they aren't forced to stay and chat with people they feel uneasy with.
God if we all only spoke to those we want to play with, it would be a bloody boring night out.
But certainly act assertively and don't give mixed messages. Whilst I will talk to anyone in a club, and I have a giggle with them, or can act serious with them, they are aware of whether I'm interested in playing or not and I don't make a big issue out of the grabbers in a club, I'd be constantly upset if that was the case. |
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I suppose it's just the way I am, in real life too. I send subtle messages to those I'm interested in...and 'leave me alone' to people I'm not interested in. I'm not a big social being, but can appreciate those that are....lifes short, I have a good time with those I chose to be with....it's just the way I am...get to know me and if I like u too, then waaaaayheyyy!!!. Grabbers, chancers, any port in a storm, Desperado's will be given short shrift..... |
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