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Social Dominance/Confidence
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying 
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What is it that makes you anxious about communicating with others? If you can figure out what that is, then that’s a starting point to remedy whatever that may be...
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
Thats pretty sad sucky for someone to say that
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
Thats pretty sad sucky for someone to say that
"
It sounds it - but it really wasn't.
I asked them how they felt and they were polite and honest about it.
I would have been worse if they had just made up an excuse |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What is it that makes you anxious about communicating with others? If you can figure out what that is, then that’s a starting point to remedy whatever that may be...
"
I don't really know. Perhaps I'm not the best at self-analysis.
Various event in my life have amplified my general anxiety - including my social anxiety
I'm confident enough to meet people - I'm just able to be as open as I perhaps should be
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
Thats pretty sad sucky for someone to say that
It sounds it - but it really wasn't.
I asked them how they felt and they were polite and honest about it.
I would have been worse if they had just made up an excuse "
It sounds to me like maybe that person wanted someone dominant. And if that’s not you, then that’s fine. You shouldn’t pressure yourself or over analyse it. You can only be yourself.
That may be the key here. To relax into yourself, don’t worry about appearing a certain way or being a certain type of person. Just be you and accept all the positives and negatives that come with it.
You’ll quickly gain a lot of confidence. I went through a similar thing, I used to be extremely shy (and I still am in some situations), but once I became comfortable with myself and my weird quirks, I relaxed and the awkwardness faded. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What is it that makes you anxious about communicating with others? If you can figure out what that is, then that’s a starting point to remedy whatever that may be...
I don't really know. Perhaps I'm not the best at self-analysis.
Various event in my life have amplified my general anxiety - including my social anxiety
I'm confident enough to meet people - I'm just able to be as open as I perhaps should be
"
Ah similar to what I thought. Don’t worry about being too open - I’m the same. I play cards close to my chest until the time is right. And sometimes I worry what others might think.
It can be helped by having a few pre-rehearsed anecdotes or things you want to say. Another way around it is by repeatedly asking the person about themselves. They’ll talk so much that you don’t have to, and in turn you’ll get the confidence to speak up and come out of your shell too.
They’re two things I’ve tried. And they helped |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
i hate to be the one to tell you this... there are no quick fixes in life in general, especially if it is something like this which is a "you" thing....
improving oneself like confidence takes time, it also means from time to time putting yourself in situations where you don't feel as comfortable, and sometimes dusting yourself down and picking yourself back up.....
just be the best you "you" can be... and over time, if you keep challenging yourself little by little that you will get wiser, confident and become more rounded....
oh... and another thing this "old man" has learnt....
"don't focus on the end destination, enjoy the journey!" |
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
When i was a teenager i was very shy. I got increasingly frustrated at myself in a social situation. I then just pushed myself to talk to people. I’ve found that if you genuinely listen to the other people, smile and ask questions that things are a lot better. When you talk don’t become monotone. Use your hands and vary your speech.
Eye contact and good body language are important also. |
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Please don't let the comments of someone who barely knows you destroy your soul, that's pretty extreme. What happened here is people who have met via the internet discovering they are not compatible in person . Nothing more, nothing less. |
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A very wise person told me once that...
Only take to heart the opinions of people you admire & whose judgement you respect.
Over the years this has helped me put a huge amount of criticism into perspective.
I used to take everything to heart & would try to please everyone, but you can’t & it made me very ill & reclusive 
Now I realise rejection or criticism is almost totally based on the agenda of the other person & really has very little to do with you as a person.
Is dominance subjective? Consider that the other person may have been subjected to ‘abuse’ rather than dominance & doesn’t really understand what the interaction should be, perhaps.
I suggest that before you consider radical changes to yourself, that you take stock of who you would like to be & what you are comfortable with as it appears to me you have no problems with communication...but that’s just my humble opinion ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Theres a difference between being dominant and being confident. I'm a confident submissive.
I generally find you're confident when you're comfortable which isn't particularly easy to do during a social because you're wanting to appear attractive to the other person.
Just be yourself and if that's not what they're looking for then thats ok. There is thing more awkward than someone trying to be dominant. You either are or you're not.
Good luck OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
Thats pretty sad sucky for someone to say that
It sounds it - but it really wasn't.
I asked them how they felt and they were polite and honest about it.
I would have been worse if they had just made up an excuse
It sounds to me like maybe that person wanted someone dominant. And if that’s not you, then that’s fine. You shouldn’t pressure yourself or over analyse it. You can only be yourself.
That may be the key here. To relax into yourself, don’t worry about appearing a certain way or being a certain type of person. Just be you and accept all the positives and negatives that come with it.
You’ll quickly gain a lot of confidence. I went through a similar thing, I used to be extremely shy (and I still am in some situations), but once I became comfortable with myself and my weird quirks, I relaxed and the awkwardness faded."
This. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Please don't let the comments of someone who barely knows you destroy your soul, that's pretty extreme. What happened here is people who have met via the internet discovering they are not compatible in person . Nothing more, nothing less."
As ever Nicecouple have the perfect "in a nutshell" answer that sums up my thoughts perfectly.
We can't be all things to all people OP - and just because you weren't "dominant" enough for this person doesn't mean any more than it says on the tin - the next person might find you completely dominant and full of self-confidence. |
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By *osie xWoman
over a year ago
wolverhampton |
"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
Don't sweat it.
Just because you were not Dominant enough for that person doesn't mean you won't be for someone else. The dynamic is unique to every pairing of people.
Be yourself, if that's not someone's cup of tea, so be it, just you do you.
One of my best mates is socially awkward and he's the sexiest bugger i know, don't let it stop you as once people get to know you they'll understand it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
Know yourself through pushing your boundaries and being 100% honest with yourself and others.
it'll help curb your anxiety and fear if you've pushed through both again and again.
The honesty will give you the confidence to believe in yourself and the sincerity of the other.
You'll learn your strengths and weaknesses if you push yourself. The trick is becoming comfortable with your percieved flaws or weakness. Own it...I'm sensitive , needy and I over think. So I don't look for cold hearted bitches for cold blooded fucks. I know my needs, because I've tested my limits and know myself rather well now for doing it.
not in a purely sexual or dating environment either.
Don't let this person's words bring you down. I'm not very dominant in my being. I'm fairly laid back, interested in who I'm with. I'm quietly confident in.my ability to lead a conversation or sexual partner if need be.
Once had a woman on PoF lose interest in me.. she was stunning, but I wasn't bad boy enough for her apparently. So I sent her a screenshot of my fabprofile.. really? She changed her tune quickly enough, but her lack of maturity put me off.
Who wants a bad girl, when you can have a fierce woman?
Learn you, learn what YOU need, then you'll be less effected when you get yet another failed mismatch.
Also suggest video chatting before full social. Can give you a hood idea about potential chemistry and attraction.
hope it helps. |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
Your post op has bought out the best of fab forum!
Some great advice and loads of support.
Personally I don't think you should change anything apart from learning to think 'fuck'em all, I am what I am, take it or leave it'
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
Being dominant during a social meet would strike me as slightly odd unless it's been previously negotiated. Lots of people associate assertive behaviour with a dominant sexual role but the two aren't necessarily connected.
As for any general obstacles to communicating ask yourself if you need help with an issue that stops you speaking, or help reaching a goal about being better at it. Concrete example - some people get hung up about how they speak - that needs very different help to 'why bother' problems around confidence.... |
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"Theres a difference between being dominant and being confident. I'm a confident submissive.
I generally find you're confident when you're comfortable which isn't particularly easy to do during a social because you're wanting to appear attractive to the other person.
Just be yourself and if that's not what they're looking for then thats ok. There is thing more awkward than someone trying to be dominant. You either are or you're not.
Good luck OP"
Exactly this.
OP is there a possibility that what the person meant is you as a Dominant person rather than your confidence?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Can't respond to everyone...
But thanks all for the responses. Some good advice here.
Who'd have thought a Swinging forum would be such a great place for support 
I have a tendancy to catastrophise when things don't quite go as I expect (something I'll need to work on).
I'll keep doing what I'm doing, take the advice here, and hopefully gain some confidence along the way.
The webcam social someone mentioned is also a good idea.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Theres a difference between being dominant and being confident. I'm a confident submissive.
I generally find you're confident when you're comfortable which isn't particularly easy to do during a social because you're wanting to appear attractive to the other person.
Just be yourself and if that's not what they're looking for then thats ok. There is thing more awkward than someone trying to be dominant. You either are or you're not.
Good luck OP
Exactly this.
OP is there a possibility that what the person meant is you as a Dominant person rather than your confidence?
"
Bit of both. Regardless, confidence is an area I can definitely improve on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
When i was a teenager i was very shy. I got increasingly frustrated at myself in a social situation. I then just pushed myself to talk to people. I’ve found that if you genuinely listen to the other people, smile and ask questions that things are a lot better. When you talk don’t become monotone. Use your hands and vary your speech.
Eye contact and good body language are important also. "
This is good advice. 'Fake it' and you'll eventually relax and do it naturally.
Also I think it helps to pick friendly people to meet. I went to a forum social and I was nervous as heck, but the people there were brilliant. They were really friendly and made me feel welcome. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your post op has bought out the best of fab forum!
Some great advice and loads of support.
Personally I don't think you should change anything apart from learning to think 'fuck'em all, I am what I am, take it or leave it'
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
When i was a teenager i was very shy. I got increasingly frustrated at myself in a social situation. I then just pushed myself to talk to people. I’ve found that if you genuinely listen to the other people, smile and ask questions that things are a lot better. When you talk don’t become monotone. Use your hands and vary your speech.
Eye contact and good body language are important also.
This is good advice. 'Fake it' and you'll eventually relax and do it naturally.
Also I think it helps to pick friendly people to meet. I went to a forum social and I was nervous as heck, but the people there were brilliant. They were really friendly and made me feel welcome. "
The person I met was very friendly - which definitely helped.
It probably didn't do me any favours that I was extremely tired and drinking a beer (beer puts me to sleep).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I suffer with general anxiety also. It can become very intense in certain situations....
It takes time to improve. Self belief is a big one in achieving this. From an outsider looking at you, I have seen several good threads that you have started and contributed to. All in all you are a decent lad and articulate on your messages. Well above the average fabber. You should be proud of who you are, why would you want to fit into a lady's idea of 'dominant'? You don't need to jump through hoops, her loss if she was blind to your attributes or unable to look past your anxiety, as chatting in a social environment is very different to the bedroom. You have a lot more to give.
Be strong Brother  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I suffer with general anxiety also. It can become very intense in certain situations....
It takes time to improve. Self belief is a big one in achieving this. From an outsider looking at you, I have seen several good threads that you have started and contributed to. All in all you are a decent lad and articulate on your messages. Well above the average fabber. You should be proud of who you are, why would you want to fit into a lady's idea of 'dominant'? You don't need to jump through hoops, her loss if she was blind to your attributes or unable to look past your anxiety, as chatting in a social environment is very different to the bedroom. You have a lot more to give.
Be strong Brother "
Thanks. I appreciate it.
I've no I'll feelings toward her. I just wasn't what she was looking for.
But I do let myself down by not communicating properly with people. Hoping I can gain more confidence from dates/socials on here
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
Google NLP rapport techniques, also sub-modalities, there may be some useful information in there.
There is also a great video of Richard Bandler coaching a shy man, it must be on the internet somewhere, it is also very funny,
It’s how you view yourself, not how others view you. Have fun OP. |
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
Hi OP, socials can be very nerve wracking if you have anxiety.
Some people like shy guys (I know I do)
Talking about it to a potential meet beforehand should take the pressure off and you'll know right away if it isn't their thing too.
With life in general meditation,turning negative head scripts into positives every time you catch yourself and therapy would be my suggestion 
Self love is the most important.
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Hell, yes. I am so much less socially awkward and socially skilled than I was before I started fab. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin now. Starting in the club scene as a single male worked wonders. I am so different in everyday life now. I even go out of my way to initiate conversation with strangers out on the streets. But it's not swinging that has done it, it only provides the oppertunity. Its you who needs to be brave, push yours comfort zone and not be disheartened when you take a knock. Its hard work and you have to expose yourself. If you can learn to socialise while being completely yourself in a club with strangers you can socialise anywhere. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
Hi OP, socials can be very nerve wracking if you have anxiety.
Some people like shy guys (I know I do)
Talking about it to a potential meet beforehand should take the pressure off and you'll know right away if it isn't their thing too.
With life in general meditation,turning negative head scripts into positives every time you catch yourself and therapy would be my suggestion
Self love is the most important.
"
Thanks for the advice 
I think I'll start mentioning that I'm a bit socially awkward before meets - just in case it's really not their not thing. Or maybe I'll put it on my profile text? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hell, yes. I am so much less socially awkward and socially skilled than I was before I started fab. I am so much more comfortable in my own skin now. Starting in the club scene as a single male worked wonders. I am so different in everyday life now. I even go out of my way to initiate conversation with strangers out on the streets. But it's not swinging that has done it, it only provides the oppertunity. Its you who needs to be brave, push yours comfort zone and not be disheartened when you take a knock. Its hard work and you have to expose yourself. If you can learn to socialise while being completely yourself in a club with strangers you can socialise anywhere. "
Thanks for this. That's good that you're social anxiety has lessened!
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I am incredibly shy and find initiating conversation really difficult (can talk the hind legs off a donkey one I get going).
However, when ive mentioned this to people I've met on here they've expressed surprise so it appears I hide it well.
It's weird altjough I'm fine when meeting from here I still can't initiate a conversation with a stranger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it just means they are looking for someone dominant in a sexual sense. Don't take it to heart, there are lots of others not looking for dominant partners |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it just means they are looking for someone dominant in a sexual sense. Don't take it to heart, there are lots of others not looking for dominant partners"
First time a lady friend asked me to spank her hard , I was shocked and felt am not into hurting people, tried it for my lady friend and realised what a turn on it is for me and partners that enjoy being in control, so op keep going you will get better and better as your confidence grows , enjoy everything
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I myself would be drawn to someone shy and a bit awkward, i find it attractive, whos to say you are not gonna be a whirlwind of excitment once you feel more relaxed around someone, id say it was a bad choice to point it out even if she meant well but hey next time you see her sling her over your shoulder smack her bum and put her in the bin |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I myself would be drawn to someone shy and a bit awkward, i find it attractive, whos to say you are not gonna be a whirlwind of excitment once you feel more relaxed around someone, id say it was a bad choice to point it out even if she meant well but hey next time you see her sling her over your shoulder smack her bum and put her in the bin "
I asked her how she felt, and she was honest. I'm glad she told the truth
We even spoke for a bit on Fab after as friends, so it's all good |
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"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
You just need to meet the right person. If I meet someone quiet I guess it's due to lack of confidence so I try make up for it by asking them more questions and being more 'dominant' in the conversation.
I always say to people it's much harder to strike up a conversation with someone you know because you know a lot about them. With a random person there are so many questions to ask. But if that person is expecting you to take the lead and ask all the questions then maybe they aren't right for you anyway!
To help build confidence unfortunately takes time. At each meet you have try and step out of your comfort zone a little. That always helps. |
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By *asha86Couple
over a year ago
walsall |
"Being told you aren't dominant enough during a social is pretty soul destroying
Have any guys here transformed themselves from being a bit socially awkward, to becoming an extremely confident communicator (ideally within a short space of time)?
If so, some advice would be much appreciated
My general anxiety and communication skills are impacting my life in more ways than just sex and relationships
"
I normally feel very socially awkward but have found that the more I push myself out of my comfort zone the more relaxed and normal it becomes. I find asking questions helps the flow of conversation as it shows that you are willing to listen to the responses and starts a discussion. Could always try messaging first to get used to the type of questions you would want to ask and also practice responses to ones you're asked. The more you try something the easier it will become you've just got to take each step as it comes. Lifes about the journey not the destination xT |
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Being honest for me I found going to clubs and having to socialise with more than one person suits my personality more.
It might be worth trying one they have great social areas normally and we both have made incredible friends as well as playmates through this xx |
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