FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Desperation vs Too Relaxed
Desperation vs Too Relaxed
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Used to be the case that I would come off as too strong - driving women away from me
Now I apparently come off as too relaxed (a couple has decided they don't want to meet me because I'm "not bothered" enough). Feel a bit rubbish about it considering I really was bothered!
Have anyone struggled with this - trying to find that perfect 'balance'? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Used to be the case that I would come off as too strong - driving women away from me
Now I apparently come off as too relaxed (a couple has decided they don't want to meet me because I'm "not bothered" enough). Feel a bit rubbish about it considering I really was bothered!
Have anyone struggled with this - trying to find that perfect 'balance'?"
How about being truly yourself? If someone doesn't want to meet you they will give whatever reason they want if any. Nothing you can change about that.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some people just make excuses instead of being honest about their attraction to you. Some people don’t really know what they want. Just be yourself, if you click..you click! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Used to be the case that I would come off as too strong - driving women away from me
Now I apparently come off as too relaxed (a couple has decided they don't want to meet me because I'm "not bothered" enough). Feel a bit rubbish about it considering I really was bothered!
Have anyone struggled with this - trying to find that perfect 'balance'?
How about being truly yourself? If someone doesn't want to meet you they will give whatever reason they want if any. Nothing you can change about that.
Mrs "
I think I am being myself - or trying to at least
However if being myself means coming off as far too relaxed, I would like to try improve upon that (without then coming off as desperate!) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Some people just make excuses instead of being honest about their attraction to you. Some people don’t really know what they want. Just be yourself, if you click..you click! "
Could be that - although I think their excuse is pretty genuine in this case |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Seems you can't win. Just be you, you'll never be everyone's cup of tea but why try to jump through hoops to try and match others ideals.
Good luck  "
True. I'm happy to jump through a couple hoops for certain people though  |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Seems you can't win. Just be you, you'll never be everyone's cup of tea but why try to jump through hoops to try and match others ideals.
Good luck "
Nail well and truly hit there 
It's about finding those that are compatible with you for being you OP - same as it is in "normal" relationships - you can't be everything to everyone.
What this couple may have seen as "too relaxed" another couple may see as "too desperate" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Seems you can't win. Just be you, you'll never be everyone's cup of tea but why try to jump through hoops to try and match others ideals.
Good luck
Nail well and truly hit there
It's about finding those that are compatible with you for being you OP - same as it is in "normal" relationships - you can't be everything to everyone.
What this couple may have seen as "too relaxed" another couple may see as "too desperate" "
Yep I know
Would be great if I could please everyone though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes. It's because everyone is different. Which is why it pays dividends to play Fab by your own rulebook. You'll never please everyone, so just concentrate on what's good for you. |
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Unfortunately it's a balance you'll never strike with everyone as everyone has different tolerances for that kind of stuff. Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day. I'd rather have someone I'm sometimes waiting around to hear from but then if someone dissapear for weeks and then tries to pick things back up like nothing happened without at least an excuse then I'm not down for that. So as others said just be yourself and you'll hopefully find people who prefer your natural level of communication rather than trying to force yourself to be a different way. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Unfortunately it's a balance you'll never strike with everyone as everyone has different tolerances for that kind of stuff. Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day. I'd rather have someone I'm sometimes waiting around to hear from but then if someone dissapear for weeks and then tries to pick things back up like nothing happened without at least an excuse then I'm not down for that. So as others said just be yourself and you'll hopefully find people who prefer your natural level of communication rather than trying to force yourself to be a different way."
Yep. Going to try just be myself and not worry too much about these kind if things
Thanks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Unfortunately it's a balance you'll never strike with everyone as everyone has different tolerances for that kind of stuff. Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day. I'd rather have someone I'm sometimes waiting around to hear from but then if someone dissapear for weeks and then tries to pick things back up like nothing happened without at least an excuse then I'm not down for that. So as others said just be yourself and you'll hopefully find people who prefer your natural level of communication rather than trying to force yourself to be a different way."
Do you let guys know what the right amount of messaging is? Cos that sounds like they're damned if they do and damned if they don't |
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"Unfortunately it's a balance you'll never strike with everyone as everyone has different tolerances for that kind of stuff. Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day. I'd rather have someone I'm sometimes waiting around to hear from but then if someone dissapear for weeks and then tries to pick things back up like nothing happened without at least an excuse then I'm not down for that. So as others said just be yourself and you'll hopefully find people who prefer your natural level of communication rather than trying to force yourself to be a different way.
Do you let guys know what the right amount of messaging is? Cos that sounds like they're damned if they do and damned if they don't "
I think not wanting to be messaged all day every day but not wanting someone to blank me for weeks on end is a pretty wide range...
And this wasn't about me, it was pointing out that what may be a good amount of communication for me may not be enough or too much for someone else. |
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I struggle because I'm laid back, friendly and chatty the same as in the real world but I think some women want guys to do more chasing and be a bit more of a bad boy.
Mind you I'm sure there are 101 other reasons i can't get a meet  lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You didn't originally say all day every day.
I just wondered what was right for you
"Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day.""
Not even once a day? |
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I think if you want to meet someone you need to keep in touch while remembering that this isn't "normal" dating. We quote often agree to chat to someone via fab (at their request) then never hear from them again  but there are a couple of people who we exchange messages with on an irregular basus and that's just fine |
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"You didn't originally say all day every day.
I just wondered what was right for you
"Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day."
Not even once a day?"
Depends. Slow back and forth of a message or two a day can be fine but I don't like the expectation that you have to speak every day and I like to be able to not respond for a few days if I get busy or exhausted without getting hassled over it. The people I enjoy speaking to the most are those that you'll have a burst of conversation for a few hours or so but then they have a life away from it too and sometimes they go quiet for a few days and sometimes I do but you both make time to pick the conversation back up when things calm down again or respond when you get a chance to and sometimes catch up with longer, less frequent messaged. I know many other women who this would not work for and that's fine but they just wouldn't suit the kind of men that I work well with in that area. It's all just about finding people you're compatible with. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You didn't originally say all day every day.
I just wondered what was right for you
"Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day."
Not even once a day?
Depends. Slow back and forth of a message or two a day can be fine but I don't like the expectation that you have to speak every day and I like to be able to not respond for a few days if I get busy or exhausted without getting hassled over it. The people I enjoy speaking to the most are those that you'll have a burst of conversation for a few hours or so but then they have a life away from it too and sometimes they go quiet for a few days and sometimes I do but you both make time to pick the conversation back up when things calm down again or respond when you get a chance to and sometimes catch up with longer, less frequent messaged. I know many other women who this would not work for and that's fine but they just wouldn't suit the kind of men that I work well with in that area. It's all just about finding people you're compatible with."
I feel like this is what I'm like. Just a bit irritating being told your 'not bothered' when you clearly are |
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"You didn't originally say all day every day.
I just wondered what was right for you
"Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day."
Not even once a day?
Depends. Slow back and forth of a message or two a day can be fine but I don't like the expectation that you have to speak every day and I like to be able to not respond for a few days if I get busy or exhausted without getting hassled over it. The people I enjoy speaking to the most are those that you'll have a burst of conversation for a few hours or so but then they have a life away from it too and sometimes they go quiet for a few days and sometimes I do but you both make time to pick the conversation back up when things calm down again or respond when you get a chance to and sometimes catch up with longer, less frequent messaged. I know many other women who this would not work for and that's fine but they just wouldn't suit the kind of men that I work well with in that area. It's all just about finding people you're compatible with.
I feel like this is what I'm like. Just a bit irritating being told your 'not bothered' when you clearly are "
I've been there. Some people think only constant messaging shows interest. Not only do I not have time for that but it's exhausting and quickly loses the excitement when it's an expectation as it becomes a chore. I think one of the issues with modern technology is the expectation that other people are constantly available to you. I can appreciate it's frustrating but just carry on being yourself and you'll find someone you're more compatible with . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You didn't originally say all day every day.
I just wondered what was right for you
"Personally I can't cope with someone who wants to message every day."
Not even once a day?
Depends. Slow back and forth of a message or two a day can be fine but I don't like the expectation that you have to speak every day and I like to be able to not respond for a few days if I get busy or exhausted without getting hassled over it. The people I enjoy speaking to the most are those that you'll have a burst of conversation for a few hours or so but then they have a life away from it too and sometimes they go quiet for a few days and sometimes I do but you both make time to pick the conversation back up when things calm down again or respond when you get a chance to and sometimes catch up with longer, less frequent messaged. I know many other women who this would not work for and that's fine but they just wouldn't suit the kind of men that I work well with in that area. It's all just about finding people you're compatible with.
I feel like this is what I'm like. Just a bit irritating being told your 'not bothered' when you clearly are
I've been there. Some people think only constant messaging shows interest. Not only do I not have time for that but it's exhausting and quickly loses the excitement when it's an expectation as it becomes a chore. I think one of the issues with modern technology is the expectation that other people are constantly available to you. I can appreciate it's frustrating but just carry on being yourself and you'll find someone you're more compatible with ."
Thanks Fingers crossed! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s really hard to judge and it varies from person to person for me. I know I’ve been too pushy with some guys and not chased others enough. A recent meet I really felt like I was pushing him into it, but I genuinely think it was his incredibly relaxed messaging style. I nearly ditched the whole thing though because he really didn’t seem too bothered. When we actually met it felt like we had known each other ages and it was a very, very enjoyable time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes it's just bad timing too.. I've missed out on some lovely guys because I was chatting to someone at the time. For me I like to concentrate on someone particular to get to know and that's very hard on here with the multitude of messages. Very much pot luck and trial and error. Just do what feels right to you x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sometimes it's just bad timing too.. I've missed out on some lovely guys because I was chatting to someone at the time. For me I like to concentrate on someone particular to get to know and that's very hard on here with the multitude of messages. Very much pot luck and trial and error. Just do what feels right to you x"
Also true.
I usually try to arrange a social fairly quickly after messaging someone - before I'm forgotten about
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sometimes it's just bad timing too.. I've missed out on some lovely guys because I was chatting to someone at the time. For me I like to concentrate on someone particular to get to know and that's very hard on here with the multitude of messages. Very much pot luck and trial and error. Just do what feels right to you x
Also true.
I usually try to arrange a social fairly quickly after messaging someone - before I'm forgotten about
"
What works for one wont work for another.. I tend to meet socially after quite a bit of chat.. but then I don't do one offs so more patient than most to find someone compatible. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s really hard to judge and it varies from person to person for me. I know I’ve been too pushy with some guys and not chased others enough. A recent meet I really felt like I was pushing him into it, but I genuinely think it was his incredibly relaxed messaging style. I nearly ditched the whole thing though because he really didn’t seem too bothered. When we actually met it felt like we had known each other ages and it was a very, very enjoyable time."
Yeah. A lot of the people I speak to on here I'd probably get on really well with.
t's just getting that initial meet that can be difficult. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did you say you were bothered ? Maybe they will read this and change their minds. "
Yeah - they haven't responded. They also haven't blocked me either. So who knows |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't bother. I don't chase. I'm here to massage sexy women, not ego's.
Sounds like the couple believed they were worth chasing.
If you can't meet as equals, with equal amounts of effort on either side, give them a miss. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't bother. I don't chase. I'm here to massage sexy women, not ego's.
Sounds like the couple believed they were worth chasing.
If you can't meet as equals, with equal amounts of effort on either side, give them a miss."
Yeah that's a rational take on it - but they were really hot though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't bother. I don't chase. I'm here to massage sexy women, not ego's.
Sounds like the couple believed they were worth chasing.
If you can't meet as equals, with equal amounts of effort on either side, give them a miss.
Yeah that's a rational take on it - but they were really hot though "
No one is that hot that they don't have to put effort in from their side. You are better than that and deserve better. |
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