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Pushing your/limits
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Would you push some one to be something there not for your own sexual gratification? I feel bad for pushing hubs to be more domaint wen he’s really not the Dom type
Mrscxxx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I don’t want to change him I love him the way he is and honestly feel like shit for pushing him and he feels like he can’t give me what I need
Mrscxxx |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
As I said on your other thread (that appears to have disappeared  ) you can't make someone Dom that doesn't have an interest in that side of things, but you can discuss the interest and find a middle ground that perhaps doesn't necessarily involve the D/s dynamic but does introduce elements of it into your "normal" play.
BDSM and D/s is a huge spectrum with "kink play" at one end and very extreme stuff at the other. So perhaps it's a case of sitting down and talking through where you both sit on that spectrum and finding common interests to introduce - perhaps the occasional light bondage or spanking as part of your sex life rather than full on "whips, chains and Master" type play might sate your needs.
There are some very good BDSM questionnaires out there that might help you with finding common interests.
Neither of you should feel bad for having or not having desires or fantasies, but like most things it's about open and honest communication and finding a common ground or compromise, or agreeing that some things should remain fantasy  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As I said on your other thread (that appears to have disappeared ) you can't make someone Dom that doesn't have an interest in that side of things, but you can discuss the interest and find a middle ground that perhaps doesn't necessarily involve the D/s dynamic but does introduce elements of it into your "normal" play.
BDSM and D/s is a huge spectrum with "kink play" at one end and very extreme stuff at the other. So perhaps it's a case of sitting down and talking through where you both sit on that spectrum and finding common interests to introduce - perhaps the occasional light bondage or spanking as part of your sex life rather than full on "whips, chains and Master" type play might sate your needs.
There are some very good BDSM questionnaires out there that might help you with finding common interests.
Neither of you should feel bad for having or not having desires or fantasies, but like most things it's about open and honest communication and finding a common ground or compromise, or agreeing that some things should remain fantasy "
Yer I looked for it I can’t find it I only know he had posted because of a Dm we had. We do talk we have no one else to talk to lol
Mrscxxx |
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"As I said on your other thread (that appears to have disappeared ) you can't make someone Dom that doesn't have an interest in that side of things, but you can discuss the interest and find a middle ground that perhaps doesn't necessarily involve the D/s dynamic but does introduce elements of it into your "normal" play.
BDSM and D/s is a huge spectrum with "kink play" at one end and very extreme stuff at the other. So perhaps it's a case of sitting down and talking through where you both sit on that spectrum and finding common interests to introduce - perhaps the occasional light bondage or spanking as part of your sex life rather than full on "whips, chains and Master" type play might sate your needs.
There are some very good BDSM questionnaires out there that might help you with finding common interests.
Neither of you should feel bad for having or not having desires or fantasies, but like most things it's about open and honest communication and finding a common ground or compromise, or agreeing that some things should remain fantasy
Yer I looked for it I can’t find it I only know he had posted because of a Dm we had. We do talk we have no one else to talk to lol
Mrscxxx "
I was just about to post that you need to talk to each other. I think you might need to talk a bit more. Don't have the discussion via other people and in public it's never a good thing. |
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So maybe it’s about chatting with your husband - maybe he would be open to you finding a dom you can play with regularly. Your husband might enjoy the dynamics of that and maybe he could join in also... just an idea....  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So maybe it’s about chatting with your husband - maybe he would be open to you finding a dom you can play with regularly. Your husband might enjoy the dynamics of that and maybe he could join in also... just an idea.... "
why has it got to be a Dom or Domme |
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Limits are there to be pushed and tested (I.e. soft limits), but there has to be an agreement between both parties. Pushing limits where it's not wanted or agreed can lead to animosity and resentment for the change. Communication and more communication is needed.
Perhaps what you seek is with the involvement of another on a purely non sexual basis, especially if it's bdsm fulfilment that you seek and at the end of day bdsm is not about sex (That's just an added bonus that happens with consenting people).
Above all don't force him into something he's not comfortable with or doesn't want.... remember how much you hated your parents when they forced you eat your greens lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Would you push some one to be something there not for your own sexual gratification? I feel bad for pushing hubs to be more domaint wen he’s really not the Dom type
Mrscxxx "
Is he really against it or just nervous. Late last year had a similar conversation. I, Capt was a bit unsure because I didn't know where to start or what was expected. We talked and talked and talked again. Red very graciously met me where I was at and we started from there. I'm sure it was frustrating for her from the beginning and I still forget or get things wrong. We now have grown together and its amazing. I now can't get enough. I suggest you write down what you want or need and allow him to process that, be prepared to wait. If it's really not for him you need to both work out what's most important to you both and then move forward together. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Would you push some one to be something there not for your own sexual gratification? I feel bad for pushing hubs to be more domaint wen he’s really not the Dom type
Mrscxxx
Is he really against it or just nervous. Late last year had a similar conversation. I, Capt was a bit unsure because I didn't know where to start or what was expected. We talked and talked and talked again. Red very graciously met me where I was at and we started from there. I'm sure it was frustrating for her from the beginning and I still forget or get things wrong. We now have grown together and its amazing. I now can't get enough. I suggest you write down what you want or need and allow him to process that, be prepared to wait. If it's really not for him you need to both work out what's most important to you both and then move forward together. "
His post seems to of disspaeed he feels like he’s no better than my ex etc my ex was a twat not a domaint that’s why he has insecurities about it. A proper domant does not treat ya the way my ex treated me |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"We’ve been together 15 years and he feels he now can’t give me what I want witch is not the case.
Mrscxxx "
So you got together when you were 17 and he was 20, following a relationship with an ex that was abusive and I am guessing was a similar age? The likelihood of being with an immature partner having a lot to do with it is of course high and something to consider - not that that is any excuse for abuse, but there is a world of difference between a teenage relationship and an adult one both sexually and mentally.
That said you still can't force someone to be something they're not regardless of age, like I said before communication really is key, and either finding a compromise between you, or accepting that it's not something you can do.
I can understand hubby's reluctance, there's a lot of misconception about BDSM and D/s about it being abusive, and an excuse for the dominant to get and do what they want - which actually couldn't be further from the truth - it can be whatever you as individuals want it to be, and agree for it to be between you.
I'd suggest perhaps both of you taking some time to read some of the very good books out there on the subject (Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns and SM101 are good examples) that may help further your understanding, and doing so with open minds, and then having an open and honest discussion.
As I said in the other thread and further up, BDSM doesn't *have* to be about whips and chains and giving orders, it can be a lot more subtle, and sensual than that - but it still comes back to *both* of you wanting to take that step, not everyone can be a dominant, I know I can't, just the same as not everyone can be a submissive - it has to come from within.
Like I said perhaps just introducing elements of kink play into your regular sex life would be the way to go, taking small and gradual steps within what you are *both* comfortable with - but you have to *both* agree to that, and that can only come through talking, and talking some more until you are *both* happy. |
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"No, if someone doesn't want to do something then I won't force them, where's the pleasure in that ?? Mutual agreement is much more pleasurable."
Total agreement on that its all about someone choosing to do something. |
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I think pushing limits is OK, forcing them is not.
If my partner is adamant about not doing something, I wouldn't go there, but in some things, how do you know you don't like it unless you've tried? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We’ve been together 15 years and he feels he now can’t give me what I want witch is not the case.
Mrscxxx
So you got together when you were 17 and he was 20, following a relationship with an ex that was abusive and I am guessing was a similar age? The likelihood of being with an immature partner having a lot to do with it is of course high and something to consider - not that that is any excuse for abuse, but there is a world of difference between a teenage relationship and an adult one both sexually and mentally.
That said you still can't force someone to be something they're not regardless of age, like I said before communication really is key, and either finding a compromise between you, or accepting that it's not something you can do.
I can understand hubby's reluctance, there's a lot of misconception about BDSM and D/s about it being abusive, and an excuse for the dominant to get and do what they want - which actually couldn't be further from the truth - it can be whatever you as individuals want it to be, and agree for it to be between you.
I'd suggest perhaps both of you taking some time to read some of the very good books out there on the subject (Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns and SM101 are good examples) that may help further your understanding, and doing so with open minds, and then having an open and honest discussion.
As I said in the other thread and further up, BDSM doesn't *have* to be about whips and chains and giving orders, it can be a lot more subtle, and sensual than that - but it still comes back to *both* of you wanting to take that step, not everyone can be a dominant, I know I can't, just the same as not everyone can be a submissive - it has to come from within.
Like I said perhaps just introducing elements of kink play into your regular sex life would be the way to go, taking small and gradual steps within what you are *both* comfortable with - but you have to *both* agree to that, and that can only come through talking, and talking some more until you are *both* happy."
I was 18 when we met and started dating so a lot has changed from then till now
Mrscxxx |
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"Don’t get me wrong he does make me happy he knows how to please me in every single way I constantly feel like I’m not good enough for him
Mrscxxx "
What a horrible feeling for you! I hope you can talk through it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I would never push him into something he’s not comfortable with nor him me as someone has pointed out we met wen we were young our needs and wants have changed since then I’m sure we are going to have a lot of fun finding our limits together agen
Mrscxxx |
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By *asha86Couple
over a year ago
walsall |
"Would you push some one to be something there not for your own sexual gratification? I feel bad for pushing hubs to be more domaint wen he’s really not the Dom type
Mrscxxx "
I think it's the wording of this that may confuse some, you and other half know each other better so is it maybe a case of learning together and figuring out needs/wants or have they flatly refused to entertain d/s completely? I know for me and mr it took a lot of time spent talking and working out what it was I wanted and needed from d/s and what he was able/willing to give. You'll find that by talking about it all sometimes it's the fear of the unknown than the actual thing itself. The more open and honest you are with each other the better the kink can be.  |
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