FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > When to tell?
When to tell?
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Hi Fabbers,
Need some advice please. I’m currently on a couple of vanilla dating sites. I would love to meet someone who is into this lifestyle too. My question is when should I mention that I’m a swinger? First date or when we like each other and start to get serious?
Thanks for any advice.
Max |
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For me, first date unless it's clear there won't be a second. Why allow yourself or them to become emotionally invested only to discover days or weeks down the line that something is a deal breaker? Of course that could happen anyway but eliminate certain possible barriers to a relationship if you can. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think that if swinging is such a big part of your life that all your future relationships have to be built on or around it, then put it on your profile so everyone will know from the beginning. Try listing it as a hobby same as people put rugby? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why not have your first date at a swingers club? If she's up for a shag she'll be wearing matching undies and trimmed anyway. Plus you will benefit from couples rates so if she is disgusted and leaves you still get your hole but for less cost  |
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"Why not have your first date at a swingers club? If she's up for a shag she'll be wearing matching undies and trimmed anyway. Plus you will benefit from couples rates so if she is disgusted and leaves you still get your hole but for less cost "
Thanks for your answer, but a first date at a club is probably too much to soon for a Vanilla date. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lead with the bi part on the dating app, in the spirit of being open and honest, if they can accept that the swinging bit will be much easier to talk about on the first date.  "
Oh I hope you say you're bi too, whilst I have no problems with either I hate dishonesty |
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"Lead with the bi part on the dating app, in the spirit of being open and honest, if they can accept that the swinging bit will be much easier to talk about on the first date.
Oh I hope you say you're bi too, whilst I have no problems with either I hate dishonesty "
I agree. I am looking for a relationship with a woman. Don’t mind who touches who when playing. Maybe I’m bi curious only. |
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Not the first date, afterall on a first date why would you divulge for example you like to be sodomised with a pineapple without solicitation if that's your thing. But should things start going well and you start getting to know each other don't leave it too long or into too many dates. Especially if continuing to be a swinger when in a relationship is a must have relationship requirement for you. No one wants to overly invest into a relationship that will not work out. Also have you tried putting out for dating on fab or sites like OK Cupid that match on sexual preferences, sexual appitites and veiws on alternative relationship models? |
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"Not the first date, afterall on a first date why would you divulge for example you like to be sodomised with a pineapple without solicitation if that's your thing. But should things start going well and you start getting to know each other don't leave it too long or into too many dates. Especially if continuing to be a swinger when in a relationship is a must have relationship requirement for you. No one wants to overly invest into a relationship that will not work out. Also have you tried putting out for dating on fab or sites like OK Cupid that match on sexual preferences, sexual appitites and veiws on alternative relationship models?"
Thanks. Some good advice.
Yes, I’ve been on some vanilla dating sites and tried to match on sexual appetites etc. Most women on those sites want a vanilla relationship. |
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"Not the first date, afterall on a first date why would you divulge for example you like to be sodomised with a pineapple without solicitation if that's your thing. But should things start going well and you start getting to know each other don't leave it too long or into too many dates. Especially if continuing to be a swinger when in a relationship is a must have relationship requirement for you. No one wants to overly invest into a relationship that will not work out. Also have you tried putting out for dating on fab or sites like OK Cupid that match on sexual preferences, sexual appitites and veiws on alternative relationship models?
Thanks. Some good advice.
Yes, I’ve been on some vanilla dating sites and tried to match on sexual appetites etc. Most women on those sites want a vanilla relationship. "
Thats probably why they are on there ......
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
I would imagine it’s not as straight forward as you would hope . Maybe you need to ask yourself if you would give up swinging to keep her ( or him ) . If not , they need to know before heartstrings get tangled . |
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"I would imagine it’s not as straight forward as you would hope . Maybe you need to ask yourself if you would give up swinging to keep her ( or him ) . If not , they need to know before heartstrings get tangled . "
My preference is to meet someone who is interested in this “lifestyle “. My only question is when to tell someone. Obviously before there are strong feelings. Before the date? First date? Second date? |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
Probably the first date then , so nobodies time is waisted. However you may be wasting your own time on vanilla sites looking for a swinger but that’s just an opinion I don’t have a lot of experience of them . |
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If your not gonna say your bi then it's doomed to failure anyway so may as well just carry it on, on the side until you get caught... Then go back to the drawing board.
Or, just come out with it on the first date bringing up that you also like men aswell.... She might think your just her cup of tea and go for it  |
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The main thing is to date somebody who loves you for bisexual swinger your are. I can see that's what your doing. Don't give up on it even though it maybe be difficult to find someone who is a bespoke fit for you. I think too many people try to bend themself to fit someone elses mould. The trouble with that is it very difficult when your mind aches to bend back to its default position. So maybe it may be best to be upfront about your sexuality and sexual preferences from the start even if this dramatically reduces your responses? After all anyone you then do get talking to will have accepted these parts of you and hopefully wants to share them with you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have you tried getting a partner off here? Not sure bringing up that you like swinging on a first date from a vanilla site, would work. Will be interested in the replies you get on your first dates. Happy swinging and good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You're knackered mate. You need to be honest and tell her. If you don't you will hurt her at a later date when you do tell her, plus holding back is only to benefit you.
You need to be prepared to commit to her and leave swinging behind. Or just date swinger girls - there are lots of them on here! |
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"If your not gonna say your bi then it's doomed to failure anyway so may as well just carry it on, on the side until you get caught... Then go back to the drawing board.
Or, just come out with it on the first date bringing up that you also like men aswell.... She might think your just her cup of tea and go for it "
Thats not what he is asking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If your not gonna say your bi then it's doomed to failure anyway so may as well just carry it on, on the side until you get caught... Then go back to the drawing board.
Or, just come out with it on the first date bringing up that you also like men aswell.... She might think your just her cup of tea and go for it Thats not what he is asking"
True, but still advice. Talking about swinging on a first date, or after the woman has fallen for you, should be covered off in the OP's dating profile. He would then get matches that are open to swinging.
Generally a woman on a standard dating site, would be looking for a monagmous relationship and a man who could support her and bring up a family.
Hope it all goes well for the OP, i understand his situation, as i am in a similar situation in terms of dating and swinging, also orally bi.
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ASAP. My non-monogamy is in the first line or two of my dating profile. I would never get to know someone and form a connection only to reveal my nature some way down the line. If its a deal breaker for them, best they know before we form a connection. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's on my vanilla dating profiles that I'm looking for ethical non-monogamy so people can rule themselves out from the beginning. And I can refer to it when people first contact me and ask them if they are purposefully looking for that. I don't want someone who is just 'OK' with it. |
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"ASAP. My non-monogamy is in the first line or two of my dating profile. I would never get to know someone and form a connection only to reveal my nature some way down the line. If its a deal breaker for them, best they know before we form a connection. "
Agreed. Also if its a deal breaker for you.
I have a couple of non negotiable things I would make clear from the start. Why would you keep it back? |
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"Have you tried getting a partner off here? Not sure bringing up that you like swinging on a first date from a vanilla site, would work. Will be interested in the replies you get on your first dates. Happy swinging and good luck."
Yes. Most women on Fab are not interested in a relationship.
Thanks. |
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" a first date at a club is probably too much to soon for a Vanilla date. "
Oh i don't know about that... A couple of years ago i was chatting via a dating site with a lovely lady and we arranged a date after two weeks of constant chat. A day before or date i mentioned that I was going to Kestrels, and perhaps she'd like to meet there.... And thus we had our first date. We m
Kept our dinner date the following day too. And are still very much together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Trim told me about a couple of weeks after we first met. He was a swinger and I was completely oblivious to the scene. I'm glad he did tell me. Life changed for the better ever since.
I'd suggest perhaps asking her questions about fantasy to see how open minded she is leading up to mentioning being a swinger. Be prepared to explain what it is and how it works.
I wouldn't leave it and longer than a couple of weeks as the longer you leave it the harder it becomes.
This person is going to hopefully be your partner so you would want to be 100% honest with them and trust them enough to be able to be honest.
Eski
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"Trim told me about a couple of weeks after we first met. He was a swinger and I was completely oblivious to the scene. I'm glad he did tell me. Life changed for the better ever since.
I'd suggest perhaps asking her questions about fantasy to see how open minded she is leading up to mentioning being a swinger. Be prepared to explain what it is and how it works.
I wouldn't leave it and longer than a couple of weeks as the longer you leave it the harder it becomes.
This person is going to hopefully be your partner so you would want to be 100% honest with them and trust them enough to be able to be honest.
Eski
"
Good advice. Thanks x |
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"Why not have your first date at a swingers club? If she's up for a shag she'll be wearing matching undies and trimmed anyway. Plus you will benefit from couples rates so if she is disgusted and leaves you still get your hole but for less cost
Thanks for your answer, but a first date at a club is probably too much to soon for a Vanilla date. "
Tbh im wondering why ur on a vanilla dating site is u want swinging to be part of ur life. I know plenty women on fab that wd like to meet a partner but continue with the swinging side as a couple so why not find such a woman on here and try and find a women the same interests x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it’s much easier especially on a that first date to suggest that you’re sexually adventurous with a twinkle in your eye Creates a little bit of intrigue which anyone who’s receptive to exploring their sexuality will pick up on. Kinda opens the door without saying too much and avoids the term swinging which is misunderstood by most non-swingers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When do you tell dates you're bisexual ?
That’s not the question I’m asking right now. "
Well it is really, should be about the same time and when it feels right, some people it might be the first hour some it could be weeks. |
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"Why not have your first date at a swingers club? If she's up for a shag she'll be wearing matching undies and trimmed anyway. Plus you will benefit from couples rates so if she is disgusted and leaves you still get your hole but for less cost
Thanks for your answer, but a first date at a club is probably too much to soon for a Vanilla date.
Tbh im wondering why ur on a vanilla dating site is u want swinging to be part of ur life. I know plenty women on fab that wd like to meet a partner but continue with the swinging side as a couple so why not find such a woman on here and try and find a women the same interests x"
I want to meet a woman on Fabs for relationship but I’m also on a vanilla site as well. Just in case |
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"I think it’s much easier especially on a that first date to suggest that you’re sexually adventurous with a twinkle in your eye Creates a little bit of intrigue which anyone who’s receptive to exploring their sexuality will pick up on. Kinda opens the door without saying too much and avoids the term swinging which is misunderstood by most non-swingers. "
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve had the sexually adventurous talk with a few vanilla women;) |
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"Why not have your first date at a swingers club? If she's up for a shag she'll be wearing matching undies and trimmed anyway. Plus you will benefit from couples rates so if she is disgusted and leaves you still get your hole but for less cost
Thanks for your answer, but a first date at a club is probably too much to soon for a Vanilla date.
Tbh im wondering why ur on a vanilla dating site is u want swinging to be part of ur life. I know plenty women on fab that wd like to meet a partner but continue with the swinging side as a couple so why not find such a woman on here and try and find a women the same interests x
I want to meet a woman on Fabs for relationship but I’m also on a vanilla site as well. Just in case "
Everyone is different. I suppose if i met a guy on a "vanilla" site I wouldn t be shocked if he told me but some would so I suppose it's a chance u need to take x |
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"When do you tell dates you're bisexual ?
That’s not the question I’m asking right now. "
If you are planning on telling someone you are a swinger you are probably better fessing up about being bi at the same time! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Have you tried getting a partner off here? Not sure bringing up that you like swinging on a first date from a vanilla site, would work. Will be interested in the replies you get on your first dates. Happy swinging and good luck.
Yes. Most women on Fab are not interested in a relationship.
Thanks. "
Not strictly true there are lots (like me) looking for a relationship where swinging can be included.
I have had similar dilemmas when meeting someone from vanilla dating sites, all I would say is follow their lead with the conversation, it doesn’t matter when, but if if the topic of sex hasn’t come up by date two I would be starting to query why.
In any case you could just say it’s something you would like to carry on with, swinging together, at some point down the line, that way there’s no pressure (unless it’s a fellow swinger  )
Best to get to know one another properly first before jumping into anything involving clubs/others but knowing they’re open to taking it on board is key |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Be up front about been a swinger as it s out the endless what if and but and unnecessary stress and drama. In the end you will find out who is genuine enough to understand that part of your life style without judgement (well we are all judgmental) and trying to change you to fit in with them. And they won't feel lead on. This lifestyle is not every one cup of tea. Doesn't mean that they are missing out and boring and prude.
Not every thing is meant to be the same. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Plus I also found been a a dating sites. That most only want NSA.
And those that want a relationship only to then say nope just want NSA. Causal sex is so ready available no one wants to settle down anymore. And it is mainly got to do with the legal side of things mainly because of the kids that couples get married. Now don't get me wrong I am a hop less romantic. But I have seen the ugly side also. And it mainly because I find that. You can bend over backwards and it still wouldn't be enough for some people.
But honesty is best, as you said what you are.
A Snake knows who it is and always has. It others that want it to be something more. |
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"Plus I also found been a a dating sites. That most only want NSA.
And those that want a relationship only to then say nope just want NSA. Causal sex is so ready available no one wants to settle down anymore. And it is mainly got to do with the legal side of things mainly because of the kids that couples get married. Now don't get me wrong I am a hop less romantic. But I have seen the ugly side also. And it mainly because I find that. You can bend over backwards and it still wouldn't be enough for some people.
But honesty is best, as you said what you are.
A Snake knows who it is and always has. It others that want it to be something more. "
Thanks MsD. Many good points you mentioned. |
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I would not mention either on a first date which normally be just a drink and chat if it's from a datig site. I would bring boh things up fairly early though if things were looking good as dishonesty can really buggar up relationships. |
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"Hi Fabbers,
Need some advice please. I’m currently on a couple of vanilla dating sites. I would love to meet someone who is into this lifestyle too. My question is when should I mention that I’m a swinger? First date or when we like each other and start to get serious?
Thanks for any advice.
Max "
Update:
I recently met a woman on a vanilla dating site. I didn’t tell her on the first date, but as I realised I really liked her I told her the next day over the phone. She has no experience of this “lifestyle “ but has said that she is open to new experiences and is excited about going to a club soon.
I guess my advice to anyone in the same situation is if you like them and you want to carry on swinging then tell the other person asap. They very well may be open to it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi Fabbers,
Need some advice please. I’m currently on a couple of vanilla dating sites. I would love to meet someone who is into this lifestyle too. My question is when should I mention that I’m a swinger? First date or when we like each other and start to get serious?
Thanks for any advice.
Max "
before you meet ,she or he may want you in isolation  |
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