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Bi - intrigued but hesitant?
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I’ve suggested to a few guys that a club bi night is a low-pressure way to ‘dip their toe’ into the scene and see if it really is something that they would like to take further than fantasy.
I had a great evening at the VA bi night last week, which I think is a really friendly and low pressure event.
Afterwards I’ve been chatting to a couple who were there but didn’t play. The female half was keen to get involved (I get the impression it had been her initiative to come along) but her boyfriend - although keen in anticipation - found the idea of being seen with another guy in action too uncomfortable (even though as she pointed out to him, everyone there was bi or bi-friendly at least). There were people at the club they really liked, but the ‘bi barrier’ was too high for them even to risk showing interest.
It’s turned out OK for the three of us because we can set up a private meet, but that’s not going to work for everyone.
My hunch is that this is quite a frequent scenario - that even when the opportunity is there, the stigma of being seen to be bi (even in a bi-positive environment) is too much of a barrier? And more for males than for females maybe? I’d be interested to know other people’s thoughts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve suggested to a few guys that a club bi night is a low-pressure way to ‘dip their toe’ into the scene and see if it really is something that they would like to take further than fantasy.
I had a great evening at the VA bi night last week, which I think is a really friendly and low pressure event.
Afterwards I’ve been chatting to a couple who were there but didn’t play. The female half was keen to get involved (I get the impression it had been her initiative to come along) but her boyfriend - although keen in anticipation - found the idea of being seen with another guy in action too uncomfortable (even though as she pointed out to him, everyone there was bi or bi-friendly at least). There were people at the club they really liked, but the ‘bi barrier’ was too high for them even to risk showing interest.
It’s turned out OK for the three of us because we can set up a private meet, but that’s not going to work for everyone.
My hunch is that this is quite a frequent scenario - that even when the opportunity is there, the stigma of being seen to be bi (even in a bi-positive environment) is too much of a barrier? And more for males than for females maybe? I’d be interested to know other people’s thoughts."
We tailor how we behave sexually to the club night we are visiting. On a bi night we hope, or assume everyone attending is bi or curious. On a straight night we still play but don’t assume people are after the same things we are. We can both play straight depending on our audience
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That makes a lot of sense - you’re clearly in a good place about knowing who you are and what you’re into, which is great.
Maybe it’s inevitable that some other people, despite having taken the plunge of going to a bi night, feel a bit daunted by getting involved in actual play. |
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By *plpxp2Couple
over a year ago
Middlesbrough |
"That makes a lot of sense - you’re clearly in a good place about knowing who you are and what you’re into, which is great.
Maybe it’s inevitable that some other people, despite having taken the plunge of going to a bi night, feel a bit daunted by getting involved in actual play. "
To be honest that is the same on any night, not just a bi night. The step into the unknown has to be at the individuals pace. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
I'd suggest that a lot of it is to do you the 'stigma' they'll have to face on here should people find out they've indulged in a club.
Those attending bi nights won't care.
But there's plenty that trawl through profiles, friends lists, forum threads and veris and will instantly block anyone who dares to have any same sex contact.
If they're male of course. It's perfectly acceptable for women....
A |
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I've always found bi nights to be extremely friendly and laid back evenings, with no one being too pushy. In fact the atmosphere is often more relaxed than other nights, as most of the blokes are less worried about scoring - i.e. they'll probably find someone LOL! |
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I know that for some guys there is a concern that being seen as anything other than 101% straight will make them damaged goods in the fab economy. I can see a point on both sides of that argument: relationships of any sort rely on trust, so not being truthful has an impact on that; but if the assumptions made about what being bi means are ill-informed, that’s a failure on the part of those making the assumptions. My advice is always: if someone only wants to meet you because of something you’re not, there’s more self-respect in passing them by. But maybe that’s not recognising how tough it can be out there in the fabmarket! |
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By *mooth4uMan
over a year ago
Kings kynn |
As a openly bi guy in our profile , I still have some reservations about playing openly at a club , only been to one bi night in a club and found it less than comfortable . Maybe me being overly sensitive but overall there wasn’t much bi sex going on and it did seem to be regulars that knew each other . Red was even less comfortable than I was ? Suggestions , but only constructive please x |
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By *pertureTV/TS
over a year ago
New Ferry, wirral in stockings and sussies |
I agree I think some people however open minded they claim to be still have a thing against men being bi or gay, almost as if its a challenge to there perceived masculinity.
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
"I'd suggest that a lot of it is to do you the 'stigma' they'll have to face on here should people find out they've indulged in a club.
Those attending bi nights won't care.
But there's plenty that trawl through profiles, friends lists, forum threads and veris and will instantly block anyone who dares to have any same sex contact.
If they're male of course. It's perfectly acceptable for women....
A"
Your absolutely right. Conversely I block people who won’t meet bi guys or girls who meet bi guys as personally I don’t want to meet people who have those opinions.
There is a huge issue for bi guys, some feel guilty, some worry that they’re gay, they worry about being found out, etc. As the comment above states it’s ok for a woman to be bi but not a guy. Doesn’t make sense on a site that’s meant to be more open and accepting.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
I actually think there's two intertwined factors at play here - firstly the one of playing openly in a club that doesn't have private rooms (which VA is unless you have a room booked in their hotel) which not everyone is comfortable with regardless of sexuality.
Then the whole thing of taking that leap of faith from being straight/bi-curious to actually playing with someone of the same sex, and for a lot of guys that's a huge step because of the stigmas that, even in this so called liberated world, still exist for male/male play.
Personally I found going to a bi night incredibly liberating, and it has allowed me to fully embrace my sexuality - however I'd already been to straight nights at the same club (VA) and was comfortable with playing openly so the step wasn't that huge to take, but do wonder how I'd have felt if my first trip to a club had been on a bi night. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd suggest that a lot of it is to do you the 'stigma' they'll have to face on here should people find out they've indulged in a club.
Those attending bi nights won't care.
But there's plenty that trawl through profiles, friends lists, forum threads and veris and will instantly block anyone who dares to have any same sex contact.
If they're male of course. It's perfectly acceptable for women....
A
Your absolutely right. Conversely I block people who won’t meet bi guys or girls who meet bi guys as personally I don’t want to meet people who have those opinions.
There is a huge issue for bi guys, some feel guilty, some worry that they’re gay, they worry about being found out, etc. As the comment above states it’s ok for a woman to be bi but not a guy. Doesn’t make sense on a site that’s meant to be more open and accepting.
"
I too block people who are aggressively anti bisexual. They’re not going to be the open minded kin of people I like.
A guys first bisexual contact is difficult for many, as said several time above. Even in these ‘modern’ times, there is still a stigma. Both in their own mind and the minds of others.
Such a shame really. One of the things that turns me on most visually is two guys kissing  |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"As a openly bi guy in our profile , I still have some reservations about playing openly at a club , only been to one bi night in a club and found it less than comfortable . Maybe me being overly sensitive but overall there wasn’t much bi sex going on and it did seem to be regulars that knew each other . Red was even less comfortable than I was ? Suggestions , but only constructive please x "
Best advice would be a club with private rooms available. You get the best of both worlds then - the club atmosphere and clientele, which on a bi night will offer more opportunities to meet similar minded people, as well as the chance to play without onlookers and lurkers that you have no interest in. Like an ordinary club night I think one of the things that puts people off is the potential for unwanted attention and people trying to join in uninvited when in open areas.
If there's no private rooms available then there's always scope for hotel room fun if you're staying over or to use the club as a chance to meet potential playmates for subsequent private meets.
Like straight club nights open play isn't for all.
A |
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This makes a lot of sense (as your posts always do) - the absence of private space is an additional issue if someone (male or female) feels uncomfortable being seen enjoying bi-play, even in a relaxed environment.
Sometimes in a place where play goes on in private the dilemma is how to ‘risk’ showing interest and here - as often at clubs - I think couples are often at the advantage. Certainly it’s been easier for me when at an event as a couple to chat to ‘interested’ parties. For a single person, the dilemma over what signs to give off is the same as with straight sex - but with bells on.
My guess is that opening up the conversation beyond the night itself, through the forums or messaging, is a way to break the ice - but it’s not ideal for those who aren’t already using the site.
"I actually think there's two intertwined factors at play here - firstly the one of playing openly in a club that doesn't have private rooms (which VA is unless you have a room booked in their hotel) which not everyone is comfortable with regardless of sexuality.
Then the whole thing of taking that leap of faith from being straight/bi-curious to actually playing with someone of the same sex, and for a lot of guys that's a huge step because of the stigmas that, even in this so called liberated world, still exist for male/male play.
Personally I found going to a bi night incredibly liberating, and it has allowed me to fully embrace my sexuality - however I'd already been to straight nights at the same club (VA) and was comfortable with playing openly so the step wasn't that huge to take, but do wonder how I'd have felt if my first trip to a club had been on a bi night."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've met guys who half way through have said 'I can't do this' got up and left
I've also met a guy who visibly shook for about the first half hour, even though we did no more than chat and have a brew
I've met guys who insist on straight porn being on, as if that lessens 'the gay'
I've also met guys who have never been with a guy before who were like jack russells after a rabbit
The psychological impact of accepting you want to sleep with a guy is massive for some |
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I wish we could get to Bi club nights to show our support.
So... perhaps for your couple, it will take a couple of no pressure situations to come to terms with things...
No private rooms won't help...
The Bi male phobia in the swinging scene is pretty disappointing, and pretty vile.
So, given that the same thing is also reflected in wider society, it's no wonder about the hesitancy things.
The number of "straight" guys that message us and say "but I am actually Bi" is ridiculous.
But indeed, Bi fem play? Pretty much expected.
Hope all get to have fun
And that one day the Bi male phobia will f**k off.
Flames |
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I’ve also been to a couple of nights (in different clubs) advertised as Bi but where there was very little bi play going on - although maybe it was going on in private rooms out of sight in some cases. But it was also noticeable that things got more active as closing time approached - which suggested that inhibitions dropped as time went on maybe? (Or maybe just a last minute rush!)
I’m quite relaxed chatting to anyone and don’t go with an expectation of playing (unless I’m going with a partner) but I can imagine the first step is quite hard to take. I’ve noticed that while a certain friendly flirtatiousness can be easy between women and men, sometimes guys are a bit taken aback when it’s a man/man thing - even if they enjoy it. So I do think the barriers are tough for some people.
I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve noticed that it’s often the female partner in an MF couple who encourages her bloke to ‘have a go’ when he’s hesitant. I’m not talking about her pushing him to do something he finds uncomfortable, more that the knowledge that seeing him in action turns her on is an additional stimulation, which helps get over the nerves etc. So maybe there’s a way for you as a couple to talk about what you’d like to experience beforehand? It can make for lively conversation too - although not every guy is quite as relaxed as the friend who when I met his new girlfriend chatted cheerfully to her about how much he had enjoyed being spit-roasted by me and my partner!
"As a openly bi guy in our profile , I still have some reservations about playing openly at a club , only been to one bi night in a club and found it less than comfortable . Maybe me being overly sensitive but overall there wasn’t much bi sex going on and it did seem to be regulars that knew each other . Red was even less comfortable than I was ? Suggestions , but only constructive please x "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This bi guy isnt shy...love to play and if folk want to watch,they can! They'll just have to close their eyes if they don't like it because I'll be on it xxx"
i think theres to many tags this day's..people are people.
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"I’ve suggested to a few guys that a club bi night is a low-pressure way to ‘dip their toe’ into the scene and see if it really is something that they would like to take further than fantasy.
I had a great evening at the VA bi night last week, which I think is a really friendly and low pressure event.
Afterwards I’ve been chatting to a couple who were there but didn’t play. The female half was keen to get involved (I get the impression it had been her initiative to come along) but her boyfriend - although keen in anticipation - found the idea of being seen with another guy in action too uncomfortable (even though as she pointed out to him, everyone there was bi or bi-friendly at least). There were people at the club they really liked, but the ‘bi barrier’ was too high for them even to risk showing interest.
It’s turned out OK for the three of us because we can set up a private meet, but that’s not going to work for everyone.
My hunch is that this is quite a frequent scenario - that even when the opportunity is there, the stigma of being seen to be bi (even in a bi-positive environment) is too much of a barrier? And more for males than for females maybe? I’d be interested to know other people’s thoughts."
It certainly is common. I have a lot of people contact me who want to try their bi side but fear stops them. I suggest they get themselves around it a bit not necessarily to play but just to get used to the vibe and if possible meet likeminded people who quite often have had the same fears themselves |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We've only ever attended the Chams bi nights and the joy of that place is lockable rooms.You are the people that decide who sees what.
At the end of the day OP, one can always go to a room with another for play, even without your partner initially if that's the step it needs to progress this incredible journey.
It's desperately important for people to go at their own place but for me, I'd say a bi club every time for taking those first hesitant steps. You can always say no and just head back into the crowd. Meets outside seem to have a different dynamic of expectation and one might feel coerced into things they're not ready for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is a big leap from being very curious to actually indulging
Not sure amongst a club setting is for everyone "
Agreed, it's not for everyone but it's a lot easier to duck in and out of fun at your pace rather than committing to a meet only to realise it's not what you want. |
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A couple of times over the years I’ve just met a guy who is plucking up the nerve to talk about his bi feelings and had a cup of coffee or a chat at a neutral spot where there was no pressure at all. Sometimes the intensity of the new feelings is too much if it’s also in a sexual situation, so something less pressured is better. |
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As a bi guy who is plucking up the courage to go to a bi night at a club for the first time, this is a very interesting thread. I’m very sociable and friendly, so I’m not too worried about getting chatting to people, but I am a bit nervous about actually playing in full view. Think I would prefer a more secluded or private space for that, rather than in well lit full view. And it would probably be enormously encouraging if the wife or couple were to make a first move or give some encouragement. It will be fascinating to see how my first time plays out! |
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And it can also be a good idea to follow up on forum posts where people say they will be attending a particular night. Having broken the ice online can make the first chat at the bar (even if that’s only ever a social encounter) a bit less intimidating, I think. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"And it can also be a good idea to follow up on forum posts where people say they will be attending a particular night. Having broken the ice online can make the first chat at the bar (even if that’s only ever a social encounter) a bit less intimidating, I think."
Couldn't agree more - that initial breaking of the ice via messages always helps - Spicys Bi Night threads are always a great way of not only seeing who's going but also making a few connections beforehand.
"As a bi guy who is plucking up the courage to go to a bi night at a club for the first time, this is a very interesting thread. I’m very sociable and friendly, so I’m not too worried about getting chatting to people, but I am a bit nervous about actually playing in full view. Think I would prefer a more secluded or private space for that, rather than in well lit full view. And it would probably be enormously encouraging if the wife or couple were to make a first move or give some encouragement. It will be fascinating to see how my first time plays out!"
If the club you go to is anything like VA the lighting is appropriate for play so dimly lit and atmospheric - you won't have a spotlight on you or anything like that and you usually find that once you start playing you zone out to anything going on around you - although sometimes a particularly noisy group standing chatting in the corridor by the playroom can be annoying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Our preferred choice is bisexual people.
It's difficult in a club to see who is or is not ...maybe a wrist band system would work?
If we do play then it would not matter to us who in the club is watching...the more the better.
So far we have not played with a Bisex couple only singles.
Ref people chatting in play areas.
We once had a couple talking about their grocery shopping for tomorrow ...Not sexy
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