Sorry, this question really has no proper place to post, but honestly, I have no one to ask directly, and am looking for a bit of advice.
Please feel free to respond here or directly to me, I appreciate feedback.
The scenario: my oldest came out to me as bi at the age of 11. I wasn't surprised, and was as supportive as I possibly could be. Notable Exception--a few years later, in a grief driven moment of rare closeness with my dad, I told him his oldest granddaughter is bi. His response was (to her), "Good for you, you know who you are. I love you."
She was furious with me (which I understand, now).
In the ten years since, my youngest has also come out gay, and my oldest has found a partner who is very androgynous (most who meet him think he's a woman). My oldest, "Elaine" has changed her name to "George" and they plan to celebrate their wedding wearing suits and ties, not dresses.
Not a big deal. I really could care less what gender my kids or their partners are (much less what they wear to get married), as long as they are loving and supportive, which they are.
Though George has asked that I use the pronoun "they" to refer to them (while partner is He), I am confused as to how to refer to my own child when I speak to others. In the past ten years, we've gone through quite a few troubled times, and I'm seeing oldest and fiance next month for the 2nd time in two years.
I am not sure if George is trans (though I really do think so), and not sure how to ask.
Does it matter? No. But as the mother, I'd really like to know if I have two daughters or a daughter and a son.
So my question: for those of you who identify as other than cis-straight, how would you have liked your mother to ask about your identity? Or would you rather wait until the time comes to tell her, when you're ready? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If they've asked you to refer to them as they, then refer to them as they. It's possible that they identify as non-binary, so the best way to think about is that you have 2 children who you love very much. |
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It sounds like your oldest could be transitioning to a masculine gender but is most likely genderqueer or non-binary. George as a name works for any gender and they/them pronouns remove the signifiers. Non-binary folk are part of the trans community but instead of transitioning from one gender to another, they are any, all, none or beyond gender.
There’s loads of great videos about non-binary people, what they want you to say and not say and what it means to them. I think it might be good to clue yourself up by watching them so that you have the language and knowledge to be able to approach a conversation with George.
The main thing I’d say to you though is that you seem incredibly supportive of your kids and that will see you through this! If more parents had that approach it would be an amazing world to live in. Good luck with it, I’m sure you’ll do great! xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hi - well done to you for being so supportive!
It may be worth your while looking for a UK organisation called Mermaids, who provide support for younger trans people and their families.
Hope this helps!
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I think Arealhandful has put this across more eloquently than I could but I just wanted to say how amazingly supportive and open you appear!
Let your kids guide you on how they want to be addressed and spoken about. Non-binary is still a hard concept for some people to get their heads around so be prepared for some 'oh it's just a phase she's going through' comments. |
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