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Confused
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I’m in a relationship that I enjoy very much in every aspect except sexually.
I love my girlfriend very much and honestly consider her to be the love of my life.
However she is timid, non sexual and somewhat inexperienced.
While I want to spend the rest of my life with her because she makes me happy I also am frightened that I won’t get to explore my sexuality and desires again.
It’s eating away at me inside and I’m not sure what to do.
She’s said before that if I cheat she’d end it then and there but equally when I ask for sexual favours she refuses and is very repetitive with her desires. Little fore play and wishing for no mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love a cream pie but want to try other things.
I feel torn and need advise. I’ve had a fair few relationships in the past but none feel like the connection I have with her. While I don’t want to lose that connection, I also have a high sex drive and I’m simply not getting satisfied.
What’s put more strain on this problem is that I’ve had to move away for work. I miss her greatly but freedom has led to temptation.
I’m sorry to rant your eyes out with this short novel but I am compelled to get advice on the matter. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The very fact you are on here looking to meet other women behind her back says everything you need to know. Be a man and let your girlfriend go and live her life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i really don't want this to sound in anyway patronising, because its meant purely as maybe reassurance not as advice...but you are very young. Just wait and see what happens over the next few weeks..being away, you may find you have an easier decision to make than you think you do today. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you need more adventurous sex, and if she’s not prepared to give that to you nor consent to you finding the type of sex you crave elsewhere, then there is an unresovable incompatibility. However I agree with another poster, you are very young, so plenty of time to work out what you both want.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do."
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important. "
So is honesty. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important. "
Even if it hurts someone you care about? That's just unnecessarily cruel. I honestly don't understand how anyone could live with themselves if they knowingly hurt someone by cheating. I mean would you want it being done to you? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important.
So is honesty."
Absolutely! So being honest and ending the relationship which isn’t working shouldn’t be something to feel bad about with comments like “if sex is more important than love”
Would it be better to stay in a relationship that isn’t working and be miserable??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important.
Even if it hurts someone you care about? That's just unnecessarily cruel. I honestly don't understand how anyone could live with themselves if they knowingly hurt someone by cheating. I mean would you want it being done to you? "
I’m sorry where did I say I would cheat??? I said I would put my needs first. He is unfulfilled in this relationship therefore needs to think of himself and leave. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do."
A lot of people with high sex drives may not cheat if they aren’t getting their needs fulfilled and jolly good for them. But why should they go through life feeling sexually frustrated? Wouldnt it be even better to love someone who he is sexually compatible with?
Mrs |
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It seems ur not sexually compatible and i cant see ur gf changing her sexual views or trying new things its best u seperate and both if u find ur own way! Ur on this site so ur already being deceitful let her find a more compatible bf and u can do as u please! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If she was the love of your life you'd respect her wishes. A lot of people have high sex drives but they don't cheat if they're not getting it at home. The fact you're even on this website tells me you don't care about her and you're actually quite selfish.
You've got three choices really. Either be happy with what you've got and be thankful you've got someone who loves you, break her heart and cheat or tell her the truth and leave if sex is more important than love to you. I know exactly what you're gonna do.
There’s nothing wrong with being selfish. I’d put my own needs and desires ahead of someone I was seeing. Sex is important. A good sex life is important.
So is honesty."
Exactly. It's one thing being honest to your partner about what you want, but it's equally important to be honest with yourself about what you want. No one should lie, but if you're only gonna be honest with one person make sure that one person is yourself.
It's quite obvious that the OP wants to cheat but he's trying to make himself seem like the bigger man by asking for advice. He already made up his mind the moment he joined this website. He's gonna cheat. |
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Looking at your profile, it does seem that you've already decided what to do (which I am in no way judging you for - you are responsible for your decisions, which have no impact on me).
However, speaking from experience, sexual compatibility is a definite thing. We tend to be conditioned to think of it as a lesser thing than others.
For instance, leaving an otherwise sound relationship because of differing views over whether to have children is usually seen as legitimate, but doing so because of differing sexual needs is often frowned upon.
For many (not all) people, this is simply not true: their need for a sexually compatible partner is foundational.
Given what you've written, it sounds as though you may be one of those people, and if so, you may want to consider having that discussion with your partner.
Your need is legitimate; satisfying in deceptive ways arguably may not be. In the long term, not satisfying it at all will mean that a foundational issue will always exist in your relationship.
Just our ponderings! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you for your responses, but this is all rather overwhelming so I’m sorry if I don’t reply to you all.
I just wanted to clear up. I have not cheated and honestly don’t want to, but obviously I am my own person and get thoughts in my head. Everyone does. I’ve been with her for over 3 years and I’m not unhappy in the relationship, simply confused.
I realise I’ve painted a picture with the profile that would suggest otherwise but I’m still new to this site and only really seeing what it’s about.
While a lot of you think I should throw it all away, these responses have atleast answered one thing in my head. I don’t want to lose her, so thank you for that.
I’m just not sure what to do, honestly I want to bring her out of her shell but every time I’ve tried by proposing something new or different it’s rarely considered.
Things seem to always be on her basis and I’d just like to break regime up a bit more.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking which is the hard thing, just looking to talk about it a little with anonymity. I’ve never talked about this with anyone irl because I don’t want to... but to you I could be some joe on the street. Thought you wouldn’t judge but haha maybe not xD
I don’t know if any of this changes anything or whether certain people will instantly condemn me just because I’m writing something on the internet. But I guess it doesn’t entirely matter, this is somewhat a safe environment from that respect. Think of me how you will, I don’t mind but know that I’m only asking for advice and I can entertain your notion without having to act on it.
I guess just talking about it helps.
I have been in relationships where it was only sex, they are much worse. I love her personality and soul! She makes me happy in other ways that I can’t put words on other than it feels right, always has! Till it doesn’t I don’t want to. Neigh won’t lose her.
Sorry to vomit words on your webpage, I guess it’s hard to be concise when I don’t even know what I’m replying to... the many voices of the forum are hard to single out but uhh... thanks, I think
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you for your responses, but this is all rather overwhelming so I’m sorry if I don’t reply to you all.
I just wanted to clear up. I have not cheated and honestly don’t want to, but obviously I am my own person and get thoughts in my head. Everyone does. I’ve been with her for over 3 years and I’m not unhappy in the relationship, simply confused.
I realise I’ve painted a picture with the profile that would suggest otherwise but I’m still new to this site and only really seeing what it’s about.
While a lot of you think I should throw it all away, these responses have atleast answered one thing in my head. I don’t want to lose her, so thank you for that.
I’m just not sure what to do, honestly I want to bring her out of her shell but every time I’ve tried by proposing something new or different it’s rarely considered.
Things seem to always be on her basis and I’d just like to break regime up a bit more.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking which is the hard thing, just looking to talk about it a little with anonymity. I’ve never talked about this with anyone irl because I don’t want to... but to you I could be some joe on the street. Thought you wouldn’t judge but haha maybe not xD
I don’t know if any of this changes anything or whether certain people will instantly condemn me just because I’m writing something on the internet. But I guess it doesn’t entirely matter, this is somewhat a safe environment from that respect. Think of me how you will, I don’t mind but know that I’m only asking for advice and I can entertain your notion without having to act on it.
I guess just talking about it helps.
I have been in relationships where it was only sex, they are much worse. I love her personality and soul! She makes me happy in other ways that I can’t put words on other than it feels right, always has! Till it doesn’t I don’t want to. Neigh won’t lose her.
Sorry to vomit words on your webpage, I guess it’s hard to be concise when I don’t even know what I’m replying to... the many voices of the forum are hard to single out but uhh... thanks, I think
"
In the nicest possible way, you need to grow up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you for your responses, but this is all rather overwhelming so I’m sorry if I don’t reply to you all.
I just wanted to clear up. I have not cheated and honestly don’t want to, but obviously I am my own person and get thoughts in my head. Everyone does. I’ve been with her for over 3 years and I’m not unhappy in the relationship, simply confused.
I realise I’ve painted a picture with the profile that would suggest otherwise but I’m still new to this site and only really seeing what it’s about.
While a lot of you think I should throw it all away, these responses have atleast answered one thing in my head. I don’t want to lose her, so thank you for that.
I’m just not sure what to do, honestly I want to bring her out of her shell but every time I’ve tried by proposing something new or different it’s rarely considered.
Things seem to always be on her basis and I’d just like to break regime up a bit more.
I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking which is the hard thing, just looking to talk about it a little with anonymity. I’ve never talked about this with anyone irl because I don’t want to... but to you I could be some joe on the street. Thought you wouldn’t judge but haha maybe not xD
I don’t know if any of this changes anything or whether certain people will instantly condemn me just because I’m writing something on the internet. But I guess it doesn’t entirely matter, this is somewhat a safe environment from that respect. Think of me how you will, I don’t mind but know that I’m only asking for advice and I can entertain your notion without having to act on it.
I guess just talking about it helps.
I have been in relationships where it was only sex, they are much worse. I love her personality and soul! She makes me happy in other ways that I can’t put words on other than it feels right, always has! Till it doesn’t I don’t want to. Neigh won’t lose her.
Sorry to vomit words on your webpage, I guess it’s hard to be concise when I don’t even know what I’m replying to... the many voices of the forum are hard to single out but uhh... thanks, I think
"
Well if she makes you happy at the moment, then just enjoy the relationship while it last. It may fizzle out in the fullness of time
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel your frustration OP and you're in a very difficult situation.
You very obviously love her yet she isn't fulfilling your needs. So do you sacrifice what you want and need and spend your life with her? Or do you leave her, which will be painful for both of you? Not an easy decision. Whichever way you choose, I wish you good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You clearly do want to cheat because you're on here. There's no two ways about it. You cannot claim you love her and don't wanna lose her whilst being on this website at the same time because all it does is paint you as a lying hypocrite. What you're saying is at odds with what we're seeing.
Some people get thoughts in their head, not all, but they remain thoughts. You've acted on those thoughts by creating this profile. You know exactly what you want to do and that's to cheat. You can't tell us that it isn't true. It clearly is.
You're gonna hurt this girl if you're not honest with yourself about what you want. You can't have her and a fulfilling sex life. The choice is yours, but all I can say is leave her because if you're struggling with this now, you're gonna struggle with it forever and you're gonna cheat on her at some point, possibly after you've had kids and do you really want your kids to know why their mother is heartbroken?
End it now and spare her from the pain. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You clearly do want to cheat because you're on here. There's no two ways about it. You cannot claim you love her and don't wanna lose her whilst being on this website at the same time because all it does is paint you as a lying hypocrite. What you're saying is at odds with what we're seeing.
Some people get thoughts in their head, not all, but they remain thoughts. You've acted on those thoughts by creating this profile. You know exactly what you want to do and that's to cheat. You can't tell us that it isn't true. It clearly is."
Be careful you don't fall off your pedestal
It's very possible to love someone and be on here, you can't assume to know what others are going to do. Many people join here but don't meet. The OP has been open and honest, unlike a lot of people on here, and a fair few that use these forums, men, women and couples. The OP is simply asking for advice, it to be put on trial and hung, drawn and quartered. |
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OP I think rather than asking a bunch of complete strangers on a swinging site for advice on your relationship, you should speak to your partner. Tell her you want more sexually, tell her your thoughts etc and sort it out between you both.
You will be judged on here.
I wish you well OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You clearly do want to cheat because you're on here. There's no two ways about it. You cannot claim you love her and don't wanna lose her whilst being on this website at the same time because all it does is paint you as a lying hypocrite. What you're saying is at odds with what we're seeing.
Some people get thoughts in their head, not all, but they remain thoughts. You've acted on those thoughts by creating this profile. You know exactly what you want to do and that's to cheat. You can't tell us that it isn't true. It clearly is.
Be careful you don't fall off your pedestal
It's very possible to love someone and be on here, you can't assume to know what others are going to do. Many people join here but don't meet. The OP has been open and honest, unlike a lot of people on here, and a fair few that use these forums, men, women and couples. The OP is simply asking for advice, it to be put on trial and hung, drawn and quartered. "
*not to be put |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never ever marry someone with the thought that you can change them. You can't. Instead seek out someone who is naturally compatible with you *as they are*.
This is it with sex and her. It'll never be better and it'll probably get worse and maybe end up fizzling out entirely at some point. It's your choice as to whether you want to buy into that future or not |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You clearly do want to cheat because you're on here. There's no two ways about it. You cannot claim you love her and don't wanna lose her whilst being on this website at the same time because all it does is paint you as a lying hypocrite. What you're saying is at odds with what we're seeing.
Some people get thoughts in their head, not all, but they remain thoughts. You've acted on those thoughts by creating this profile. You know exactly what you want to do and that's to cheat. You can't tell us that it isn't true. It clearly is.
Be careful you don't fall off your pedestal
It's very possible to love someone and be on here, you can't assume to know what others are going to do. Many people join here but don't meet. The OP has been open and honest, unlike a lot of people on here, and a fair few that use these forums, men, women and couples. The OP is simply asking for advice, it to be put on trial and hung, drawn and quartered. *not to be put"
The problem is the op has admitted that he is lying to her and that she would end the relationship if he cheated. Im not quite sure what he expected to happen!
That being said it is possible to be in a relationship and have sexual relations out side of that relationship but that will only work through total honesty. This is not what the op is doing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You clearly do want to cheat because you're on here. There's no two ways about it. You cannot claim you love her and don't wanna lose her whilst being on this website at the same time because all it does is paint you as a lying hypocrite. What you're saying is at odds with what we're seeing.
Some people get thoughts in their head, not all, but they remain thoughts. You've acted on those thoughts by creating this profile. You know exactly what you want to do and that's to cheat. You can't tell us that it isn't true. It clearly is.
Be careful you don't fall off your pedestal
It's very possible to love someone and be on here, you can't assume to know what others are going to do. Many people join here but don't meet. The OP has been open and honest, unlike a lot of people on here, and a fair few that use these forums, men, women and couples. The OP is simply asking for advice, it to be put on trial and hung, drawn and quartered. "
I never said it wasn't possible to love someone and be on here. Many people are on here with their partner's consent and that's fair enough, those people clearly do love each other. He doesn't have his partners consent and he's here against her wishes. That's not love.
His partner doesn't really want sex, whereas he does therefore by being on this site he's entertaining the idea that he wants to cheat. Whether or not he actually meets someone is irrelevant because he's already deceived her by joining the site. It doesn't matter if he has physical sex or phone sex he's still cheating, and if you love someone you don't cheat on them, it's that simple. I don't know why you're giving me shit over telling him what he needs to hear.
I hate saying this but he needs to man the fuck up. |
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