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Advice for a dom starting out
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm between an alpha and a dom and I've been wanting to start being more dominant. But I don't want to turn it into abuse as I've heard from subs before. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Depends what your definition of being "dominant" means. Can mean different things to different people "
Like her giving me full control over her. Not as far as s and m. But close. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mate it’s great your injecting some fresh blood on the forums and trying to do some varied topics, but this is the second Dom thread in a matter of minutes so this question could have been posed there and the 12th thread you’ve started today.
There’s nothing to stop you posting of course, it’s your prerogative, but you might get the ire of the moderators if you open duplicate topics within minutes of each other!
Welcome to the forums by the way, it’s good to see new people!   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch? "
A social event for other people involved in bdsm. Kind of a networking thing.
Google things! Everyone is different... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mate it’s great your injecting some fresh blood on the forums and trying to do some varied topics, but this is the second Dom thread in a matter of minutes so this question could have been posed there and the 12th thread you’ve started today.
There’s nothing to stop you posting of course, it’s your prerogative, but you might get the ire of the moderators if you open duplicate topics within minutes of each other!
Welcome to the forums by the way, it’s good to see new people! "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Mate it’s great your injecting some fresh blood on the forums and trying to do some varied topics, but this is the second Dom thread in a matter of minutes so this question could have been posed there and the 12th thread you’ve started today.
There’s nothing to stop you posting of course, it’s your prerogative, but you might get the ire of the moderators if you open duplicate topics within minutes of each other!
Welcome to the forums by the way, it’s good to see new people! "
I messed up the wording on that one. If there was a delete button I would have used it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
A social event for other people involved in bdsm. Kind of a networking thing.
Google things! Everyone is different..."
How would I find a munch? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
A social event for other people involved in bdsm. Kind of a networking thing.
Google things! Everyone is different...
How would I find a munch? "
As I say, Google!
Or find people in your local area with those interests and see if they can point you in the right direction.
Ask local clubs, most have fetish nights and will be able to give you some info. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
Oh you have so much to learn young Padawan 
"
Why do you think I'm on here looking fot advice? |
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"Best advice for someone interested in dominance, try submission first. Learn. "
Good advice if he’s maybe switch but some have no submissiveness in them and he’d probably be put off as he wouldn’t feel the right things to learn.
OP I’ve PMd you |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
Oh you have so much to learn young Padawan
Why do you think I'm on here looking fot advice? "
As has been said;
Read read and read some more
Get yourself along to a munch
Attend a fettish night at a club to watch and learn
Submit yourself first
Learn slowly
Good luck
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
Oh you have so much to learn young Padawan
Why do you think I'm on here looking fot advice?
As has been said;
Read read and read some more
Get yourself along to a munch
Attend a fettish night at a club to watch and learn
Submit yourself first
Learn slowly
Good luck
"
Why is it beneficial to have been dommed to understand how to dom? |
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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
Oh you have so much to learn young Padawan
Simples
Why do you think I'm on here looking fot advice?
As has been said;
Read read and read some more
Get yourself along to a munch
Attend a fettish night at a club to watch and learn
Submit yourself first
Learn slowly
Good luck
Why is it beneficial to have been dommed to understand how to dom? "
To see how it works  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Best advice for someone interested in dominance, try submission first. Learn.
Good advice if he’s maybe switch but some have no submissiveness in them and he’d probably be put off as he wouldn’t feel the right things to learn.
OP I’ve PMd you "
The best Dom’s I’ve known (and I appreciate I can only speak from my own experience) who were not switchy, learned through submission as a means to learning.
Personally, I wouldn’t go near someone that hadn’t. |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
It may help your understanding of the dynamics. Of course its not essential, i dont know you so have no idea how Dominant you are. You may not be able to sub, but id say its a fairly good place to start. |
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"As you've already been advised. Attend a local munch.
Whats a munch?
Oh you have so much to learn young Padawan
Why do you think I'm on here looking fot advice?
As has been said;
Read read and read some more
Get yourself along to a munch
Attend a fettish night at a club to watch and learn
Submit yourself first
Learn slowly
Good luck
Why is it beneficial to have been dommed to understand how to dom? "
Im switch and everything I do to others (except suspension) I’ve had done to me first. I know what people feel like. I know how to fuck with them, how to push them, how to get them to feel what they want to feel. For people who are not switch it doesn’t help imho. Pain will mean a completely different thing, feeling helpless or restrained won’t generate the same mental space you’re after. |
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Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about."
Good points.
Often people don’t realise they are abusive assholes though! |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about."
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would like to give our situation on this as I feel everybodies is different. When I sub to my husband it is me handing complete control over to him. We do have a safe word. I've never used it. He knows me,my boundaries and my kinks. It's not always when we are just he and I having intercourse and not always sexual. Oddly My job requires a huge leadership role (go figure) however it works for us. Sometimes just us. Sometimes others. It's great. So my advice would be to communicate with your sub and ascertain what it is that they want/expect/ perceive the role to be and work with that. It may not be everyone's view of don/sub roles but it ours and works for us X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been Dom with guys and woman, I have been sub with guys too. I totally agree that if you have at least had a good insight to all levels, you will be a better Dom; you will understand limits and needs/ kinks etc far better.
It's a bit like being in charge of staff if yiu have done their job vs being in charge of staff and not really having a clue what their jobs really entail, we all know who will usually be the better boss.
Also read as much as possible relating to it on the forums. It comes down to true understanding of needs, limits, kinks and respect for both parties, knowing when and how to push limits.
I think this kind of thing would be easier with longer term partners too, you can spend the time to work out who wants and needs what. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would like to give our situation on this as I feel everybodies is different. When I sub to my husband it is me handing complete control over to him. We do have a safe word. I've never used it. He knows me,my boundaries and my kinks. It's not always when we are just he and I having intercourse and not always sexual. Oddly My job requires a huge leadership role (go figure) however it works for us. Sometimes just us. Sometimes others. It's great. So my advice would be to communicate with your sub and ascertain what it is that they want/expect/ perceive the role to be and work with that. It may not be everyone's view of don/sub roles but it ours and works for us X "
Probably the best post on this thread all night.
It's all about communication trust and awareness.
It's always a partnership of equals sharing of experience and total trust in the other.
Finding and sustaining that trust maked it a journey not an event and the destination is whatever each shares with the other.
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent. "
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship "
This |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship "
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience. "
As i said before, you have much to learn young Padawan.
Go see it in reality at a fet night in a club.
Nothing about porn is real. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience.
As i said before, you have much to learn young Padawan.
Go see it in reality at a fet night in a club.
Nothing about porn is real."
I'd love to do club nights. There is a club within 2 miles of me. But I'm not in a financially sound place as I'm a student. |
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience. "
This on its own equates to rough sex not bdsm. Bdsm involves the mind. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience. "
There will be people who specifically want that, there will be others that don't and want/ need a totally different experience. A sub may want tying up, being caned hard then butt fucked balls deep one time and on other occasions may want a soft sensual experience but still controlled by yourself. The art is in learning, communicating and truly understanding not assuming you know want the other person needs/ wants  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience.
This on its own equates to rough sex not bdsm. Bdsm involves the mind. "
I know that its more mental than physical but, I just haven't found the right girl that would accept the mental side of things too.
Girls my age are too scared of stuff like this I've found. Or I've been looking in the wrong places. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. "
Right OP. We attempted to switch roles. I like to think I can dom. He hated to sub. You are who you are. But communication is a must before anything can happen. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. "
You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"La chambre in Sheffield have a successful bdsm fet night one a month"
That is the club near me. But as I said to the other person. As I'm a jobless student I'm not in a financially sound place to be able to take part. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits."
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience.
As i said before, you have much to learn young Padawan.
Go see it in reality at a fet night in a club.
Nothing about porn is real.
I'd love to do club nights. There is a club within 2 miles of me. But I'm not in a financially sound place as I'm a student. "
Save up.... This is not something you are going to learn in a week.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits."
I get that. But I just hate that I wouldn't be able to dom, but would have to submit to someone. I'm not good at submitting to people in my general life. |
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"La chambre in Sheffield have a successful bdsm fet night one a month
That is the club near me. But as I said to the other person. As I'm a jobless student I'm not in a financially sound place to be able to take part. "
Then munches on the site I PMd you about and others recommended way up there ^-^
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx"
What happened with him? |
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"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. "
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience.
As i said before, you have much to learn young Padawan.
Go see it in reality at a fet night in a club.
Nothing about porn is real.
I'd love to do club nights. There is a club within 2 miles of me. But I'm not in a financially sound place as I'm a student.
Save up.... This is not something you are going to learn in a week.
"
I know that. This is why I'm trying to get as much information as possible before trying anything. Last thing I want is to accidentally abuse the girl. Or even hurt her by accident. I've heard it is very easy for things to go badly wrong when you are inexperienced. |
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"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives.
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it. "
The only person who may benefit is a switch but even so like me as a switch while I’ve tried everything I give, I don’t always like receiving the same things I give as I have preferences, as do my subs. |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. "
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives.
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it. "
I don't completely agree, but being on the receiving end of pain would make me absolutely furious, that wouldn't end well for all involved lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him? "
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse."
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives.
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it. "
I disagree. I think there’s plenty that is still learned. |
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience.
This on its own equates to rough sex not bdsm. Bdsm involves the mind.
I know that its more mental than physical but, I just haven't found the right girl that would accept the mental side of things too.
Girls my age are too scared of stuff like this I've found. Or I've been looking in the wrong places. "
OP lots of good advice for you on this thread from people who know what they are on about. Listen to them and take it from there! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives.
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it.
The only person who may benefit is a switch but even so like me as a switch while I’ve tried everything I give, I don’t always like receiving the same things I give as I have preferences, as do my subs. "
Benefit by sexually enjoying, maybe.
That wasn’t the point I was making though. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him?
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx"
In my case if someone tries to bully/dominate me, it pisses me off and ends badly for the other parties involved. |
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"The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives.
Pretty much absolute nonsense.
A submissive gets sexually turned on by being told what to do, a dominant does not.
A dominant experiencing a submissive play will not like any of it. Will not get an erection and will never in 100 years know how a submissive feels when being told what to do.
"oooh this feels good when she tells me to stick my finger up my arse, I should get her to do it"
laughable.
Thats like saying a Sado, must be spanked and beaten to understand what a masochist feels? It's silly, one gets pleasure from pain the other from giving it. "
But that's where each individual has their boundaries. Just because one person likes a finger stuck up there arse doesn't mean the other will. Boundaries have to be respected. What's laughable is that you believe that everyones preferences and boundaries are the same. |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him?
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx
In my case if someone tries to bully/dominate me, it pisses me off and ends badly for the other parties involved. "
Oooo what do you do to them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him?
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx
In my case if someone tries to bully/dominate me, it pisses me off and ends badly for the other parties involved. "
But I'm not bullied. Au contrarie. I am owned by he who knows me best. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
"
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him?
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx
In my case if someone tries to bully/dominate me, it pisses me off and ends badly for the other parties involved. "
Do you envisage a Dom as a bully dishing out pain only and to hurt the sub? This is not a true Dom. It’s not about only what you want from it  |
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"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship. "
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed. You would have control, you're missing the point. You would set the limits.
But as a submissive. I get this. I set my boundaries and rules as did he when we switched but it doesn't work for everybody. Xx
What happened with him?
It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable which as we all know doesn't make for a horny sex fest. We are all unique with individual needs and wants. This is why I emphasise massively on the communication with the individual you intend to dom. it makes life easier when branching out further and the forging the path is totally the fun part. Xx
In my case if someone tries to bully/dominate me, it pisses me off and ends badly for the other parties involved.
Do you envisage a Dom as a bully dishing out pain only and to hurt the sub? This is not a true Dom. It’s not about only what you want from it "
Not at all. I see being a dom as obedience and seeing when the sub has been pushed to her absolute limit, and cannot take anymore or she would call a safe word or just shutdown. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship.
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them? "
I didn't ask as it started as a one night stand after a night at a club. Being in control and having her feel maximum pleasure. But I wouldn't want to be sadistic and go past limits that she wasn't comfortable with. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
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"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship.
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them?
I didn't ask as it started as a one night stand after a night at a club. Being in control and having her feel maximum pleasure. But I wouldn't want to be sadistic and go past limits that she wasn't comfortable with. "
What do you think would have been past her limit? What would make it sadistic in your opinion? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship.
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them?
I didn't ask as it started as a one night stand after a night at a club. Being in control and having her feel maximum pleasure. But I wouldn't want to be sadistic and go past limits that she wasn't comfortable with. "
Would you happily give her all the pleasure in the world and not come yourself? X |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse. "
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship.
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them?
I didn't ask as it started as a one night stand after a night at a club. Being in control and having her feel maximum pleasure. But I wouldn't want to be sadistic and go past limits that she wasn't comfortable with.
What do you think would have been past her limit? What would make it sadistic in your opinion? "
When I twisted her arm to pin her against the bed I saw that she did not like that the discomfort. But she enjoyed it when I didn't twist her arm, but held her arms tightly so she wasn't able to move.
I see a sadist as a person that only looks to abuse and cause pain, no matter what the sub says or does to stop the sadist. They demand obedience no matter what they ask and if the sub says no they get conditioned into never saying no. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm between an alpha and a dom
Who told you this?
A few girls I've been with. I asked them why and they said, because I was rough and knew how to push her limits. Also the way that I instinctively controlled her and was able to have her trust me from the start. This was the first time I had slept with her. I haven't had a real relationship only casual. Fwb, fb. That kind of thing. I don't know why but I only feel desire and not companionship.
You were rough right from the start. You didn't ask if that's what they wanted? What is the desire that you feel focused on? Desire for them or for controlling them?
I didn't ask as it started as a one night stand after a night at a club. Being in control and having her feel maximum pleasure. But I wouldn't want to be sadistic and go past limits that she wasn't comfortable with.
Would you happily give her all the pleasure in the world and not come yourself? X"
Maybe. But I feel that would only be for the right person. I feel like I don't have to cum every time to have enjoyable sex, but enjoy seeing the pleasure that I inflict on the girl. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse.
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her. "
I get that. And I'd like that. But as I've said. I've never pictured myself in a relationship as for some reason I don't desire companionship. |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse.
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her.
I get that. And I'd like that. But as I've said. I've never pictured myself in a relationship as for some reason I don't desire companionship. "
So you're actually asking about one-off meets?????? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse.
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her.
I get that. And I'd like that. But as I've said. I've never pictured myself in a relationship as for some reason I don't desire companionship.
So you're actually asking about one-off meets?????? "
No. As I've said in previous messages I've had long term fwb and fb before. But I have just never seen myself in a romantic relationship. I feel like the companionship part of me isn't there. Only the sexual desire. |
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"Best advice for someone interested in dominance, try submission first. Learn.
Why would a dom want to be a sub? "
Jesus fucking Christ. Get to a munch, look about getting a mentor if possible. Experience some stuff. Find your place. Know your place. Go forth and enjoy. |
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"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse.
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her.
I get that. And I'd like that. But as I've said. I've never pictured myself in a relationship as for some reason I don't desire companionship.
So you're actually asking about one-off meets??????
No. As I've said in previous messages I've had long term fwb and fb before. But I have just never seen myself in a romantic relationship. I feel like the companionship part of me isn't there. Only the sexual desire. "
I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. If you've had a FWB you've been in a relationship, just not in a romantic sense (why oh why do people assume a relationship has to be romantic???). I have been in a FWB relationship with another Switch for almost 2 years... its not a romance by any means. We are 2 people who enjoy bondage in a sub-Dom dynamic, who have built up a deep mutual trust and respect in that time, which has allowed us to continually explore and push ourselves. Most of all we have fun with it!! It satisfies both of our sexual desires and it works because we've enjoyed every moment of it. Don't let semantics be your stumbling block  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
" 
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X. "
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Not a great place for advice but...
Dominant just means you like to call the shots, thats it. It's pretty much to go from dominant to abusive by accident.
But a lot of abusive people prey on submissive people. Tell them its love, that its dominance, that its bdsm etc, when really they are a grade A asshole abusing them.
If you are not abusive you have nothing to worry about.
Dominant really doesn’t just mean you want to call the shots!! People without the right knowledge or care on boundaries and consent can be abusive even if they don’t have that intent.
A true Dom will know that the power is actually held by the submissive as they choose to submit and the Dom has to respect their boundaries. The best way to understand fully how a sub-Dom dynamic works is to have experienced it from both perspectives. Its not about brutally controlling another individual, its about invoking a willingness, even a desire to allow themselves to be controlled within a mutually respectful relationship
I honestly don't think I'd be able to be dommed. I hate not having control. It makes me stressed.
You've missed my point. Control is shared. Your idea of complete control is an illusion. Even as a Dom you are controlled by the submissive's limits, boundaries and willingness. Without that you are nothing. I'm a Switch and have enjoyed both sides of the dynamic, but without a shadow of a doubt, within a respectful sub-Dom relationship the true power always lies with the sub. Anything other than that is abuse.
This is why I'm nervous about it, because I don't know what the signs are to look for. What if she didn't say anything and I carried on not seeing the sign? That would be abuse.
You don't need to look for signs. You communicate. Whether its a bondage or SM relationship, it is,still, a relationship, and trust has to be built up. Talk about your desires and boundaries. If you're approaching a situation where you may be pushing limits and testing new waters, so to speak, put a safe word in place. But really you should take your time getting to where limits are being pushed anyway. There's so much to learn about each other before you get to that point, and when you do you'll be able to read her reactions because you've taken the time to get to know them and know her.
I get that. And I'd like that. But as I've said. I've never pictured myself in a relationship as for some reason I don't desire companionship.
So you're actually asking about one-off meets??????
No. As I've said in previous messages I've had long term fwb and fb before. But I have just never seen myself in a romantic relationship. I feel like the companionship part of me isn't there. Only the sexual desire.
I'm not talking about romantic relationships either. If you've had a FWB you've been in a relationship, just not in a romantic sense (why oh why do people assume a relationship has to be romantic???). I have been in a FWB relationship with another Switch for almost 2 years... its not a romance by any means. We are 2 people who enjoy bondage in a sub-Dom dynamic, who have built up a deep mutual trust and respect in that time, which has allowed us to continually explore and push ourselves. Most of all we have fun with it!! It satisfies both of our sexual desires and it works because we've enjoyed every moment of it. Don't let semantics be your stumbling block "
I won't. Even the friends part would not be important to me though. I've always been a person that keeps a tight trust circle and will bw social with others but wouldn't care if I never saw them again. I'm kind of cold some have said. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay. "
Qudos for taking the advice on board. X |
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"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay. "
Subs don't rule, that's topping from the bottom. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay.
Qudos for taking the advice on board. X "
I was here ready to absorb the knowledge from other experienced people. I had no real idea what I was doing, but knew that I wanted to do it. And with all this knowledge it has made me much more excited to try it. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay.
Subs don't rule, that's topping from the bottom."
Of course they do. They say when enough is enough. If you don't stop when they say stop then its not d/s anymore, its sadist abuse. |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay.
Qudos for taking the advice on board. X
I was here ready to absorb the knowledge from other experienced people. I had no real idea what I was doing, but knew that I wanted to do it. And with all this knowledge it has made me much more excited to try it. "
Good. Just please discuss first. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay.
Qudos for taking the advice on board. X
I was here ready to absorb the knowledge from other experienced people. I had no real idea what I was doing, but knew that I wanted to do it. And with all this knowledge it has made me much more excited to try it.
Good. Just please discuss first. "
Before I discuss I need to find a girl around my age that is actually down to play. Like I said. Not alot of girls my age are into rough sex. So for alot bdsm is way of the table. |
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"
I know. Something in me must be broken.
In all honesty what have you taken from this thread? ! X.
I know what a dom and subs place is. I know that communication between the sub and dom is crucial and that if there is no communication then it will never work.
That the sub rules the game not the dom. That I can go to clubs to find a real insight into the bdsm life. I have learnt so much more but just don't want to write an essay.
Qudos for taking the advice on board. X
I was here ready to absorb the knowledge from other experienced people. I had no real idea what I was doing, but knew that I wanted to do it. And with all this knowledge it has made me much more excited to try it.
Good. Just please discuss first.
Before I discuss I need to find a girl around my age that is actually down to play. Like I said. Not alot of girls my age are into rough sex. So for alot bdsm is way of the table. "
I think the term ‘rough sex’ means something else OP. |
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"It may help your understanding of the dynamics. Of course its not essential, i dont know you so have no idea how Dominant you are. You may not be able to sub, but id say its a fairly good place to start."
Completely agree
Understand the dynamics of the mind x
Experience what is liked to be taken to a level of pleasure you didn’t know you could achieve through submission x
When you understand this you will then be able to control the pain and pleasure of your submissive x
At no point is being a Dom about inflicting pain
Any fool can spank hard
It’s about owning the mind and the submissive will then willingly submit their body x |
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"I know you will all say don't go by that.
The only real BDSM experience I have had is porn and girls that like to be ch*ked, held down or spanked really hard.
Apart from that I have no other experience. "
Like most things porn does not give a true representation of BDSM. So you start choking a girl and she passes out. What are you going to do? Sometimes a little knowledge can be v dangerous.
Some swingers clubs have cross over events. Get yourself out there and talk to people who know their stuff. Ask for advice. There maybe other sites more appropriate for your needs. So do your research well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
From a lady who was mentally scarred by someone who didn’t know his shit...
Please don’t practice until you KNOW what your doing. It you saw it in porn DO NOT act it out unless you’re starring in a movie. |
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As I said a while back, read some non-fiction books on the subject. It will give you a starting point on what questions you need to ask at least and some basic understanding of safety etc. They aren't hugely expensive and will certainly be cheaper than four or five nights at a club. |
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"As I said a while back, read some non-fiction books on the subject. It will give you a starting point on what questions you need to ask at least and some basic understanding of safety etc. They aren't hugely expensive and will certainly be cheaper than four or five nights at a club."
This is good advice OP. I can understand it’s daunting for you but research is most likely the key to getting it right. Also chat to other couples who practise this in their relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"From a lady who was mentally scarred by someone who didn’t know his shit...
Please don’t practice until you KNOW what your doing. It you saw it in porn DO NOT act it out unless you’re starring in a movie. "
This! All of this! |
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Nothing about being an Alpha or Dominant should scream 'abuse'.
Where in the love of God did you get this preconception from?
Safe sane consensual!
If I were you op I'd do research research research before you even consider taking on a sub.
It's not a game you know.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I don't practice the whole Dom sub thing so I'm not even going to pretend to know the real dynamics of it.
All I know is that the guys I've met and slept with have all been naturally dominant and it's just automatically put me in a sub role.
I don't think I could be submissive to a guy I could take in a fight.
|
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"I don't practice the whole Dom sub thing so I'm not even going to pretend to know the real dynamics of it.
All I know is that the guys I've met and slept with have all been naturally dominant and it's just automatically put me in a sub role.
I don't think I could be submissive to a guy I could take in a fight.
"
I've always said the same about "bulls", you can't be a bull if i could pick you up and hold you like a child. It just doesn't work. |
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By *lceeWoman
over a year ago
Leeds |
Ok. You’re 22. I knew shit all at 22. I knew I liked dominant men but I didn’t know what kind of submissive I was...it’s taken me fifteen years of changing and learning and evolving and it will continue to change!
So you don’t have much money? Then either pick up a couple of extra shifts like I did or sacrifice a couple of nights out a month. Then go to your local munch and talk to people. Go to your local fetish night and talk to people. Find out what kind of dominant you are...are you a sadist, an alpha/predator, a master/owner, a humiliator/degrader? There’s as many flavours of Dom as there are of sub. Not each will pair well with each other (very painful life lesson here).
I worry about your lack of connection. It is absolutely crucial to have that connection and empathy as you are literally putting her wellbeing above your own. She has to be your sole concern. Without that, crossing the line will be all too easy. I would not play with someone like that. Maybe consider talking to someone qualified about this as it needs addressing if you are going to dive into this dynamic.
I hope you do take something away from all of our responses. I really, really do! |
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