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Respecting a woman's safety request
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 I told him I'm not driving an hour to meet someone in a dark car park, I'll meet you inside the pub, which he agreed to.
I drove in and was reversing into a space but could see someone stood watching me. I wasn't comfortable and didn't know who it was so decide to move to another place in the car park and see what he did. He followed me into the larger car park behind and stood waiting. I guessed it was him (although it still may not have been, I wasn't 100%). If it was him I wasn't happy that hadn't respected my one safety request. I didn't feel safe so just drove out. I stopped briefly on the way to roll down my window and inch (the door were locked) to tell him I said I won't meet in a dark car park. If I want to do that I'll go dogging ffs!
I parked up on a main road further up from the pub to calm down. I messaged him explaining again but he refused to apologise for meeting me in the car park because that's what other ladies had asked for - this is despite me specifically requesting NOT to meet me in the car park 
I'm sure he meant well but shouldn't it be about what I want in terms of safety? If a man won't respect a simple safety request while meeting in a public place, what else won't he respect when alone at his house.
So my questions:
Ladies, would you prefer to meet in a car park at night or inside the pub? He suggests I'm the exception to the rule but I can't imagine many women being happy to drive an hour to meet an unknown man in a unknown dark car park!!
Gents, would you respect a woman's wishes on safety even if it was different to other women you'd met? And would you apologise for disrespecting her safety request and freaking her out? He thinks that's not required although he did apologise for me wasting 2 hours of my time  | |||
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"I bailed on a meet tonight as I was freaked out by the person I was meeting and wondering what others would do in this situation. The meet was an hours drive for me and rather than give his address, the guy asked to meet in a pub which I happily agreed to. He then said I'll meet you in the car park I told him I'm not driving an hour to meet someone in a dark car park, I'll meet you inside the pub, which he agreed to.
I drove in and was reversing into a space but could see someone stood watching me. I wasn't comfortable and didn't know who it was so decide to move to another place in the car park and see what he did. He followed me into the larger car park behind and stood waiting. I guessed it was him (although it still may not have been, I wasn't 100%). If it was him I wasn't happy that hadn't respected my one safety request. I didn't feel safe so just drove out. I stopped briefly on the way to roll down my window and inch (the door were locked) to tell him I said I won't meet in a dark car park. If I want to do that I'll go dogging ffs!
I parked up on a main road further up from the pub to calm down. I messaged him explaining again but he refused to apologise for meeting me in the car park because that's what other ladies had asked for - this is despite me specifically requesting NOT to meet me in the car park
I'm sure he meant well but shouldn't it be about what I want in terms of safety? If a man won't respect a simple safety request while meeting in a public place, what else won't he respect when alone at his house.
So my questions:
Ladies, would you prefer to meet in a car park at night or inside the pub? He suggests I'm the exception to the rule but I can't imagine many women being happy to drive an hour to meet an unknown man in a unknown dark car park!!
Gents, would you respect a woman's wishes on safety even if it was different to other women you'd met? And would you apologise for disrespecting her safety request and freaking her out? He thinks that's not required although he did apologise for me wasting 2 hours of my time "Safety is paramount. I'd suggest you stay in your comfort zone (known pub for example) next time. | |||
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"It's your rules he shud have stuck to them x I wud not drive over a hr for a meet if there that keen and genuine they wud travel xx" I don't accom so travel instead. It was meant to be a great meet with someone well verified but it was a red flag for me. | |||
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"You did the right thing. It's not an unreasonable request and if he isn't willing to do what you want then you can't trust him." Also I do hope he reads the forums. Then he might actually realise what a cockwomble he is! | |||
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"You did the right thing. It's not an unreasonable request and if he isn't willing to do what you want then you can't trust him. Also I do hope he reads the forums. Then he might actually realise what a cockwomble he is! " He does and that made me think twice about posting this thread tbh. I'm glad I've got others opinions though and confirmed I did best. It was such a simple request but he won't apologise for disrespecting it. Hey ho...next  | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request." He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " As a publican, it depends on the venue. I treat everyone the same, and if anyone is in alone, they get treated with respect and courtesy. Whether they be man, woman, or other: a patron is a patron. | |||
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"He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " It really doesn't matter what he thinks, you asked to meet inside and he ignored your wishes. Who knows what other of your preferences he would ignore? You did the right thing  | |||
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"He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? It really doesn't matter what he thinks, you asked to meet inside and he ignored your wishes. Who knows what other of your preferences he would ignore? You did the right thing " | |||
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"Thank you all for your replies, it gives me comfort I definitely did the right thing x" Your safety is paramount x I only ever meet guys in a pub for night time meets or costa coffee in the daytime. I never drive to a guy for a 1st meet always stay local to my home. A guy should respects this if not then don’t meet them ! X Always go by your gut instincts | |||
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"I bailed on a meet tonight as I was freaked out by the person I was meeting and wondering what others would do in this situation. The meet was an hours drive for me and rather than give his address, the guy asked to meet in a pub which I happily agreed to. He then said I'll meet you in the car park I told him I'm not driving an hour to meet someone in a dark car park, I'll meet you inside the pub, which he agreed to.
I drove in and was reversing into a space but could see someone stood watching me. I wasn't comfortable and didn't know who it was so decide to move to another place in the car park and see what he did. He followed me into the larger car park behind and stood waiting. I guessed it was him (although it still may not have been, I wasn't 100%). If it was him I wasn't happy that hadn't respected my one safety request. I didn't feel safe so just drove out. I stopped briefly on the way to roll down my window and inch (the door were locked) to tell him I said I won't meet in a dark car park. If I want to do that I'll go dogging ffs!
I parked up on a main road further up from the pub to calm down. I messaged him explaining again but he refused to apologise for meeting me in the car park because that's what other ladies had asked for - this is despite me specifically requesting NOT to meet me in the car park
I'm sure he meant well but shouldn't it be about what I want in terms of safety? If a man won't respect a simple safety request while meeting in a public place, what else won't he respect when alone at his house.
So my questions:
Ladies, would you prefer to meet in a car park at night or inside the pub? He suggests I'm the exception to the rule but I can't imagine many women being happy to drive an hour to meet an unknown man in a unknown dark car park!!
Gents, would you respect a woman's wishes on safety even if it was different to other women you'd met? And would you apologise for disrespecting her safety request and freaking her out? He thinks that's not required although he did apologise for me wasting 2 hours of my time "What a total bellend, I am baffled as to what he was thinking and I'm not a bit surprised at your reaction. Trust is the most important requirement for everyone but particularly for you ladies and his actions have were only going to destroy any trust you had in meeting him. You did exactly the right thing and should do it again if another idiot doesn't comply with your requests about where you arrange to meet. I would never over rule or ignor any request from a woman I had arranged to meet as her safety and well being is paramount to me. The reason for this should be obvious but sadly so many of my gender don't apear to understand these reasons. | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " He is talking total bollocks. The days of women not being comfortable going into a pub alone died in the 70's or even earlier..... Not saying he is...but his behaviour makes him seem like a creep....you certainly did the right thing...his loss. If he does read this then maybe he will realise and learn...maybe he won't? Either way you were bob on! | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " I don't understand how he can think this when you specifically said you'd prefer to meet him inside!!!! Have you spoken to him since? | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " I think you did the right thing .. I personally like to meet in the carpark as I don't like walking in looking for a stranger . But I usually do coffee meets or local meets early evening to pubs I know are well lit outside. But what anyone else does is irrelevant, you asked to meet inside he should have respected that. | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? I don't understand how he can think this when you specifically said you'd prefer to meet him inside!!!! Have you spoken to him since?" No he just sent one message saying he wouldn't apologise for meeting me in the car park and happy fabbing. It was a bit longer than that, I can't share it as against forum rules but that's the bottom line of it. It felt very self righteous and sounded like I was weird and what I wanted didn't matter, like he knew best. Very concerning! | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? I don't understand how he can think this when you specifically said you'd prefer to meet him inside!!!! Have you spoken to him since? No he just sent one message saying he wouldn't apologise for meeting me in the car park and happy fabbing. It was a bit longer than that, I can't share it as against forum rules but that's the bottom line of it. It felt very self righteous and sounded like I was weird and what I wanted didn't matter, like he knew best. Very concerning! " So he basically just confirmed that you did the right thing then | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? I don't understand how he can think this when you specifically said you'd prefer to meet him inside!!!! Have you spoken to him since? No he just sent one message saying he wouldn't apologise for meeting me in the car park and happy fabbing. It was a bit longer than that, I can't share it as against forum rules but that's the bottom line of it. It felt very self righteous and sounded like I was weird and what I wanted didn't matter, like he knew best. Very concerning! " You went with your instincts and someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries and isn’t remotely interested in how you feel should be avoided I think you had a lucky escape | |||
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" No he just sent one message saying he wouldn't apologise for meeting me in the car park and happy fabbing. It was a bit longer than that, I can't share it as against forum rules but that's the bottom line of it. It felt very self righteous and sounded like I was weird and what I wanted didn't matter, like he knew best. Very concerning! " I'd send him the link to this post so he can see that 100% of respondents don't agree with him! | |||
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" He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " I can't speak for all women, but personally I have no issue walking into a pub on my own. My views maybe different, I grew up in a pub, ran my own for years & still do bar/door work, so a pub is where I'm most at ease tbh. But regardless, you specifically asked for something, he knew your reasons & he chose to ignore them. Not cool | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. " Did he explain that to her? | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. " Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't."As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here."That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op. | |||
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"It's your rules he shud have stuck to them x I wud not drive over a hr for a meet if there that keen and genuine they wud travel xx I don't accom so travel instead. It was meant to be a great meet with someone well verified but it was a red flag for me. " Shame it didn't work out for you. But He was in the wrong. Your safety and feelings must take priority | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here."But it sounds like he has a very rigid view of what the right thing to do was? Ultimately there's no risk to him and the worse that could have happened was that he had a drink alone and she didn't show up. It just sounds like it was his way or the high way? | |||
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I certainly hope this made him think twice about asking for meets again in the future.
I would have stopped the meet when he decided to change front meeting inside the pub to outside in the car park.
Please stay safe. | |||
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"Leaving was the right choice. Meeting inside the pub was a completely reasonable request. He thinks most women are uncomfortable going into a pub alone and would rather meet a man in the car park so they have someone to walk in with. What's your experience as a man of this? " I won't walk in a pub on my own so have met in the car park in the evening a few times to walk in together. But that's just me. If you felt unsafe then what you did was right. But maybe he should have stood in the doorway to the pub and not out in the dark. | |||
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"It doesn't matter what the rule is if a man can't respect a basic request at the very beginning I wouldn't meet him." Exactly this, if he doesn't respect and follow the agreed instructions then whose to say that he won't ignore other requests such as condom use etc? | |||
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"I expect if the pub was local to him he didn't want to be seen inside the pub in case his wife found out " Yes i was thinking that! | |||
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"Nobody whatever their gender should do anything that compromises their own or another person's safety rules. On the face of it he explicitly went against your express wish to meet inside the pub. His reasons may have been honourable but he still made the decision to meet you outside despite your request. I think that sometimes men don't understand how scary it can be for a woman on her own." Absolutely this. It sounds as though he was being honourable from the replies since. But the op had no way of knowing that. Thats the point. If she was frightened its understabdable that she was not in the best frame of mind and lash out. Perhaps they can chat about it and arrange another meet as it dors now sound a shame. | |||
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"When a man meets a woman on a potential sex date, the latter is, for obvious reasons, the more vulnerable. It follows that the man should always comply with any safety requests the woman has. If I had been this bloke I would have made sure I arrived at the pub early to avoid this potential problem. Arguing about it afterwards and saying that other women take a different view re safety is just stupid. What other women might or might not do is completely irrelevant. " The fact that he argued with her saying what women do does indeed make him come across as quite ignorant. Mrs | |||
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"It's possible that there's been a misunderstanding. One of the posters in this thread has vouched that he's a decent guy. So what might have happened was that he arrived at the same time, saw her car, so waited for her to park. That I get. However on her deciding not to park there, it was somewhat dim of him to follow her round the carpark. Of course that's going to feel creepy. But his intentions may have been honerable even if his actions were careless. At the end of the day this lady has has a fright, rightly or wrongly, due to something he did. If he is a decent man he will realise that he unintentionally scared her and will appologise for doing so. Mrs" Definitely varies. A lot of ladies don't like to go into a pub on their own, so he may have had that in mind from previous meets - BUT you had requested to meet inside, so he should have respected that. Any intelligent bloke will be switched on enough to try to make a lady feel as comfortable in their company as possible. I'm willing to bet most successful males are the ones art enough to do this. His loss. | |||
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"Nobody whatever their gender should do anything that compromises their own or another person's safety rules. On the face of it he explicitly went against your express wish to meet inside the pub. His reasons may have been honourable but he still made the decision to meet you outside despite your request. I think that sometimes men don't understand how scary it can be for a woman on her own. Absolutely this. It sounds as though he was being honourable from the replies since. But the op had no way of knowing that. Thats the point. If she was frightened its understabdable that she was not in the best frame of mind and lash out. Perhaps they can chat about it and arrange another meet as it dors now sound a shame." Agreed if she was frightened and a tad insecure then yes she should have cancelled | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op."In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable. So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make. I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request. | |||
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"Bottom line, no matter how 'silly' he thought your request to meet in a pub was, he should have either honoured that, or, if he thought it was ridiculous, backed out of the meet altogether. As I was reading through all the replies, I started to think of the occasions in my life (not Fab related) where different men have 'agreed' to something but reneged on that because they thought they 'knew better' and have then tried to dress it up when I've protested as 'only thinking of you'. It's a power thing (in my opinion) even if it's subconscious, and that in itself can be unnerving as it shows a lack of respect for your wishes and also shows you can't trust that person to stick by their word (so what else might they not be trusted with?) Then I got near the bottom of the thread and saw him described as a 'gentleman' whose decision to hang out in the carpark was done with the 'best of intentions' ... Sorry, but no .... that doesn't alter the fact he broke an agreement and made the OP feel uncomfortable. If there was no sinister intent, he *still* demonstrated that he thought her conditions for meeting - which he'd agreed to - were irrelevant/unnecessary/silly or whatever and whilst I have no idea of the exact text content that passed between them later, I understand why she felt angry, possibly belittled and let down. The fact remains that even if she had intended to end up at his house, that was conditional on her initially meeting him in a public place where she felt safe, presumably to sound him out and reassure herself that she was getting good vibes before taking that step. I don't think he behaved like a gentleman at all. It was such a simple request which wouldn't have required any effort from him at all but he 'knew best'." That's another good point. Men, albeit with the best intentions, 'knowing better'. As you said 'is it a power thing. | |||
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"I expect if the pub was local to him he didn't want to be seen inside the pub in case his wife found out " Then he should have asked for a different pub. That would be no excuse and if that was the reason it shows his utter disrespect to OP and her simple request. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op.
In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable.
So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make.
I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request. "If he's a decent man, he will realised that his behaviour scared you, and he'll apologise. | |||
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"I expect if the pub was local to him he didn't want to be seen inside the pub in case his wife found out Then he should have asked for a different pub. That would be no excuse and if that was the reason it shows his utter disrespect to OP and her simple request." Woah who said he was married. Making assumptions | |||
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"It's possible that there's been a misunderstanding. One of the posters in this thread has vouched that he's a decent guy. So what might have happened was that he arrived at the same time, saw her car, so waited for her to park. That I get. However on her deciding not to park there, it was somewhat dim of him to follow her round the carpark. Of course that's going to feel creepy. But his intentions may have been honerable even if his actions were careless. At the end of the day this lady has has a fright, rightly or wrongly, due to something he did. If he is a decent man he will realise that he unintentionally scared her and will appologise for doing so. Mrs Definitely varies. A lot of ladies don't like to go into a pub on their own, so he may have had that in mind from previous meets - BUT you had requested to meet inside, so he should have respected that. Any intelligent bloke will be switched on enough to try to make a lady feel as comfortable in their company as possible. I'm willing to bet most successful males are the ones art enough to do this. His loss. " This hits a nail on the head. Intelligence. It is important to meet men who are intelligent enough and switched on enough to read a situation wisely instead of going crashing ahead. At best his actions were a bit dim, as I said in my post. Mrs | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op.
In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable.
So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make.
I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request.
If he's a decent man, he will realised that his behaviour scared you, and he'll apologise. "Nope. He's apologised for 2 hours wasted but won't apologise for walking over to meet a lady in a dark unfamiliar car park. That's just really creepy behaviour imho! That I'd specifically said I won't meet in the car park then brings in disrespect. I have no doubt in *his* mind he was being a gentleman. That he can't put himself in a single woman's shoes and understand why I felt like that or apologise for freaking me out just shows he has very little empathy. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op.
In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable.
So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make.
I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request.
If he's a decent man, he will realised that his behaviour scared you, and he'll apologise.
Nope. He's apologised for 2 hours wasted but won't apologise for walking over to meet a lady in a dark unfamiliar car park. That's just really creepy behaviour imho! That I'd specifically said I won't meet in the car park then brings in disrespect. I have no doubt in *his* mind he was being a gentleman. That he can't put himself in a single woman's shoes and understand why I felt like that or apologise for freaking me out just shows he has very little empathy. "I agree. He may have been totally genuine and concerned for your safety at the time. If it was me I would understand you being abusive at the time as you were freaked out, and I would have apologised for that. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op.
In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable.
So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make.
I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request.
If he's a decent man, he will realised that his behaviour scared you, and he'll apologise.
Nope. He's apologised for 2 hours wasted but won't apologise for walking over to meet a lady in a dark unfamiliar car park. That's just really creepy behaviour imho! That I'd specifically said I won't meet in the car park then brings in disrespect. I have no doubt in *his* mind he was being a gentleman. That he can't put himself in a single woman's shoes and understand why I felt like that or apologise for freaking me out just shows he has very little empathy. "Well that just arrogant bloodymindedness. We all make errors of judgement, but a decent person would show remorse if they realise their actions caused someone else to be scared. | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. Did he explain that to her? He didn't get the chance to as she sped off after throwing a strop with him through the car window. His text to her after wards was a polite retort to her abusive ones to him. Oh dear that's not good I'm not sure how I would have reacted,I think I may be annoyed at him not doing as I'd asked as it was a simple request,but then I hope I would have listened to the reason why he didn't.
As mention, she alluded to going straight to his house. Is this really safe? Didn't the he suggest the pub as a safer neutral venue? Something doesn't make sense here.
That's a good point actually,it certainly sound's like it in the op.
In some cases I do consider going direct to a persons house. Had I got an address I leave it with a trusted friend and the person is traceable should anything happen. In most cases though I don't consider this but this time he was very well verified and no signs during our chat of anything amiss. If I meet someone in a car park and something happens, who are they? They're not traceable.
So on occasions depending on the person, the communication and verifications I think it's safer to meet at a guys house and do arrange that but I *never* agree to meet in a car park at night. And that's my absolute choice to make.
I was clear to him I won't meet in a car park but oh dear he says I had a 'strop' - no I was completely freaked out by someone following me round a car park and not respecting what is a very simple safety request.
If he's a decent man, he will realised that his behaviour scared you, and he'll apologise.
Nope. He's apologised for 2 hours wasted but won't apologise for walking over to meet a lady in a dark unfamiliar car park. That's just really creepy behaviour imho! That I'd specifically said I won't meet in the car park then brings in disrespect. I have no doubt in *his* mind he was being a gentleman. That he can't put himself in a single woman's shoes and understand why I felt like that or apologise for freaking me out just shows he has very little empathy.
I agree. He may have been totally genuine and concerned for your safety at the time. If it was me I would understand you being abusive at the time as you were freaked out, and I would have apologised for that."Abusive? Hmm he needs to reconsider that definition! I said in a panicked voice out of the window 'I said I won't meet in a car park' before driving off. I then sent an immediate message saying that was creepy behaviour. I sent another 15 mins later saying I'd parked up to calm down after being totally freaked out and explained more rationally about I'd specifically requested not to meet in the car park but in the pub and asked him to put himself in a single woman's shoes driving an hour to an unknown pub with an unknown man. There was NOTHING I said or sent that was abusive - unless he thinks me calling his behaviour creepy is abusive
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"I bailed on a meet tonight as I was freaked out by the person I was meeting and wondering what others would do in this situation. The meet was an hours drive for me and rather than give his address, the guy asked to meet in a pub which I happily agreed to. He then said I'll meet you in the car park I told him I'm not driving an hour to meet someone in a dark car park, I'll meet you inside the pub, which he agreed to.
I drove in and was reversing into a space but could see someone stood watching me. I wasn't comfortable and didn't know who it was so decide to move to another place in the car park and see what he did. He followed me into the larger car park behind and stood waiting. I guessed it was him (although it still may not have been, I wasn't 100%). If it was him I wasn't happy that hadn't respected my one safety request. I didn't feel safe so just drove out. I stopped briefly on the way to roll down my window and inch (the door were locked) to tell him I said I won't meet in a dark car park. If I want to do that I'll go dogging ffs!
I parked up on a main road further up from the pub to calm down. I messaged him explaining again but he refused to apologise for meeting me in the car park because that's what other ladies had asked for - this is despite me specifically requesting NOT to meet me in the car park
I'm sure he meant well but shouldn't it be about what I want in terms of safety? If a man won't respect a simple safety request while meeting in a public place, what else won't he respect when alone at his house.
So my questions:
Ladies, would you prefer to meet in a car park at night or inside the pub? He suggests I'm the exception to the rule but I can't imagine many women being happy to drive an hour to meet an unknown man in a unknown dark car park!!
Gents, would you respect a woman's wishes on safety even if it was different to other women you'd met? And would you apologise for disrespecting her safety request and freaking her out? He thinks that's not required although he did apologise for me wasting 2 hours of my time "You did absolutely the right thing. If this guy could not even respect your parameters about where to meet,how likely is it that he would respect any other boundaries. It's possible that he was being more thoughtless than malicious but, if he made you feel vulnerable in any way,you were right to abort the meeting. | |||
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" The fact that he disregarded your very simple request to meet inside the pub means he's unlikely to respect anything you ask. I think you did the right thing to leave- and to lock your doors. " I think this nails my thoughts | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP. "I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong. Mrs | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs"Yes that's right I don't accom so choose to travel. Most people would get a 'you're too far' reply but this one seemed worth travelling for. He'd been on my hotlist for ages. Not that he knew that | |||
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"Bottom line, no matter how 'silly' he thought your request to meet in a pub was, he should have either honoured that, or, if he thought it was ridiculous, backed out of the meet altogether. As I was reading through all the replies, I started to think of the occasions in my life (not Fab related) where different men have 'agreed' to something but reneged on that because they thought they 'knew better' and have then tried to dress it up when I've protested as 'only thinking of you'. It's a power thing (in my opinion) even if it's subconscious, and that in itself can be unnerving as it shows a lack of respect for your wishes and also shows you can't trust that person to stick by their word (so what else might they not be trusted with?) Then I got near the bottom of the thread and saw him described as a 'gentleman' whose decision to hang out in the carpark was done with the 'best of intentions' ... Sorry, but no .... that doesn't alter the fact he broke an agreement and made the OP feel uncomfortable. If there was no sinister intent, he *still* demonstrated that he thought her conditions for meeting - which he'd agreed to - were irrelevant/unnecessary/silly or whatever and whilst I have no idea of the exact text content that passed between them later, I understand why she felt angry, possibly belittled and let down. The fact remains that even if she had intended to end up at his house, that was conditional on her initially meeting him in a public place where she felt safe, presumably to sound him out and reassure herself that she was getting good vibes before taking that step. I don't think he behaved like a gentleman at all. It was such a simple request which wouldn't have required any effort from him at all but he 'knew best'." Indeed. I just find the attitude of some men astonishing. He wants to fuck this woman. She makes a simple request and any fool can see that if he doesn't comply with it, he won't get to fuck her. Yet he does not... | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. " With respect, OP wouldn't have known this and had arranged to meet inside | |||
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"There are two sides to every story. I know the guy in question and he is a gentlemen and certainly would never do anything to be deliberately disrespectful. I think you over reacted as he simply wanted to ensure your safety knowing that the car park you eventually decided on after not being able to park in the other one was a dark one. With respect, OP wouldn't have known this and had arranged to meet inside " Indeed. And very specifically not to meet in the car park | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs"It gives me the option of driving off if the guy is a munter or looks nothing like his profile photos. To be honest, we have far more success in the clubs and other than a social, wouldn't meet a potential in a pub now anyway.  | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs
It gives me the option of driving off if the guy is a munter or looks nothing like his profile photos.
To be honest, we have far more success in the clubs and other than a social, wouldn't meet a potential in a pub now anyway."I get that. Good reason for meeting outside. I personally wouldn't have the guts to drive off if I didn't like the look of them, so when we or I arrange to meet we know we or I are going to have to endure at least 1 round of drinks. Not sure what we'd think if we regularly started getting it wrong, but via Fab we've never got it wrong yet. Touch wood | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs
It gives me the option of driving off if the guy is a munter or looks nothing like his profile photos.
To be honest, we have far more success in the clubs and other than a social, wouldn't meet a potential in a pub now anyway.
I get that. Good reason for meeting outside. I personally wouldn't have the guts to drive off if I didn't like the look of them, so when we or I arrange to meet we know we or I are going to have to endure at least 1 round of drinks. Not sure what we'd think if we regularly started getting it wrong, but via Fab we've never got it wrong yet. Touch wood "If we are going as a twosome then agree we would not be rude and would pop in for a drink but if they guy isn't who he says he is in his profile then adios, he could be anyone. (Fred West springs to mind). | |||
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"Trust your gut OP. You did the right thing. "This.if he cant respect your preferences and freaked you out,he wasn't for you. Miss | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs
It gives me the option of driving off if the guy is a munter or looks nothing like his profile photos.
To be honest, we have far more success in the clubs and other than a social, wouldn't meet a potential in a pub now anyway.
I get that. Good reason for meeting outside. I personally wouldn't have the guts to drive off if I didn't like the look of them, so when we or I arrange to meet we know we or I are going to have to endure at least 1 round of drinks. Not sure what we'd think if we regularly started getting it wrong, but via Fab we've never got it wrong yet. Touch wood "Katie always drinks vodka on a meet. If she says she wants a gin it's a signal she does not fancy a guy. She then goes off to the loo leaving me to tell the guy the bad news. Doesn't bother me having to do that. | |||
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"Bottom line, no matter how 'silly' he thought your request to meet in a pub was, he should have either honoured that, or, if he thought it was ridiculous, backed out of the meet altogether. As I was reading through all the replies, I started to think of the occasions in my life (not Fab related) where different men have 'agreed' to something but reneged on that because they thought they 'knew better' and have then tried to dress it up when I've protested as 'only thinking of you'. It's a power thing (in my opinion) even if it's subconscious, and that in itself can be unnerving as it shows a lack of respect for your wishes and also shows you can't trust that person to stick by their word (so what else might they not be trusted with?) Then I got near the bottom of the thread and saw him described as a 'gentleman' whose decision to hang out in the carpark was done with the 'best of intentions' ... Sorry, but no .... that doesn't alter the fact he broke an agreement and made the OP feel uncomfortable. If there was no sinister intent, he *still* demonstrated that he thought her conditions for meeting - which he'd agreed to - were irrelevant/unnecessary/silly or whatever and whilst I have no idea of the exact text content that passed between them later, I understand why she felt angry, possibly belittled and let down. The fact remains that even if she had intended to end up at his house, that was conditional on her initially meeting him in a public place where she felt safe, presumably to sound him out and reassure herself that she was getting good vibes before taking that step. I don't think he behaved like a gentleman at all. It was such a simple request which wouldn't have required any effort from him at all but he 'knew best'." It's been interesting re-reading this whole thread top to bottom. La Fee's post sticks out especially when you consider some of the words that have been used about me or my behaviour in this thread, admittedly only by a minority - over reacted, strop and abusive. How are women supposed to react? | |||
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"Now we do the exact opposite. Once we have exchanged face pics etc, if we decide to meet and its me on my own (Mrs) then I will ask to meet on the car park. I don't want to wander into a pub looking like a no mates whilst looking at guys thinking is that him? Choose better pubs and why would you drive that far anyway, they should put themselves out, not you OP.
I think she drove to his neck of the woods because he was hoping to go back to his place if they hit it off. I guess he was the one who could accommodate. It's a matter of personal preference and comfort whether people meet inside or outside. No right or wrong, other than that's what'a been agreed. When I meet a man, whether alone or with my husband, it's always inside and never outside, but that's what works for me. As I said no right or wrong.
Mrs
It gives me the option of driving off if the guy is a munter or looks nothing like his profile photos.
To be honest, we have far more success in the clubs and other than a social, wouldn't meet a potential in a pub now anyway.
I get that. Good reason for meeting outside. I personally wouldn't have the guts to drive off if I didn't like the look of them, so when we or I arrange to meet we know we or I are going to have to endure at least 1 round of drinks. Not sure what we'd think if we regularly started getting it wrong, but via Fab we've never got it wrong yet. Touch wood
If we are going as a twosome then agree we would not be rude and would pop in for a drink but if they guy isn't who he says he is in his profile then adios, he could be anyone. (Fred West springs to mind)."Oh yeah if the guy literally wasn't who he said he was, of course I'd be out of the pub asap. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? " Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?  | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? " great that you are sticking up for this guy, maybe his intentions were harmless, however the whole point of this thread is the fact that OP had specifically asked to meet inside and not in the car park, he should have respected her wishes. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate? "No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park. Jesus, get over yourself princess | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? " So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs" He has if you read back | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?
No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park.
Jesus, get over yourself princess "Doesn't matter if the woman's request was objectively unreasonable. It's what she needs to make her feel safe and what he agreed to. If he was concerned for her safety he could have messaged her and asked if she wanted to meet in the car park after all. Honestly. He fucked up. No excuses. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?
No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park.
Jesus, get over yourself princess
Doesn't matter if the woman's request was objectively unreasonable. It's what she needs to make her feel safe and what he agreed to. If he was concerned for her safety he could have messaged her and asked if she wanted to meet in the car park after all.
Honestly. He fucked up. No excuses. "exactly this well put | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs He has if you read back" She said he apologised for wasting her time and spoiling her evening, but did not apologise for freaking her out. There was a slight typo though in what she said, so it could have been interpreted that he did apologise for freakish her out. Maybe the OP can clarify if she has had an apology for him freaking her out | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him " How did she fuck up? | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him " It's not about demonizing him. It's about a woman having a specific request she needs for her safety, which she communicated to him, which he agreed to and then ignored. The fault is all on his side. I think you are the only person who disagrees. | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him How did she fuck up?" she didn't he did simples | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him How did she fuck up?" I guess she fucked up for getting scared | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him How did she fuck up? I guess she fucked up for getting scared "and no one is demonizing him all that is being said is that he ignored her wishes, some people need to get over themselves and learn to read properly! | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him How did she fuck up? I guess she fucked up for getting scared "Indeed as she describes it and which doesn't seem to be disputed, his behavior was scary. She had arranged to meet her date in the pub. The guy following her could have been anyone. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs He has if you read back She said he apologised for wasting her time and spoiling her evening, but did not apologise for freaking her out. There was a slight typo though in what she said, so it could have been interpreted that he did apologise for freakish her out. Maybe the OP can clarify if she has had an apology for him freaking her out " You're correct that typo was that he'd NOT apologised for disrespecting my wishes or freaking me out. I challenged him on it and he has now apologised but it took several messages to get there so if I'm honest it doesn't feel like he meant it. But it's done. My later post was what should us women do if we feel unsafe when clearly what I did gets me accused of having a strop, over reacting and being abusive. I really bloody wasn't! It does feel like women get blamed in our culture however they react and why La Fee's post resonated. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?
No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park.
Jesus, get over yourself princess "The princess remark is really uncalled for. You think women should 'get over' feeling uncomfortable in the presence of 'well presented' men?? ... because obviously men who've made an effort with their appearance are always 100% trustworthy (ha ha, they're not). This man, regardless of what he bloody well looked like, had *already* shown he couldn't be trusted because HE had ignored an arrangement HE had agreed to | |||
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"They both fucked up and now they're the subject of a one sided forum thread. He has apologised so just let it go and stop demonizing him How did she fuck up?she didn't he did simples" Exactly! That comment wanted to put the blame on both people - when it was clearly his fault for ignoring the OP's wishes. Some people eh? | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?
No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park.
Jesus, get over yourself princess
The princess remark is really uncalled for.
You think women should 'get over' feeling uncomfortable in the presence of 'well presented' men?? ... because obviously men who've made an effort with their appearance are always 100% trustworthy (ha ha, they're not).
This man, regardless of what he bloody well looked like, had *already* shown he couldn't be trusted because HE had ignored an arrangement HE had agreed to "Exactly this xx | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs He has if you read back She said he apologised for wasting her time and spoiling her evening, but did not apologise for freaking her out. There was a slight typo though in what she said, so it could have been interpreted that he did apologise for freakish her out. Maybe the OP can clarify if she has had an apology for him freaking her out You're correct that typo was that he'd NOT apologised for disrespecting my wishes or freaking me out. I challenged him on it and he has now apologised but it took several messages to get there so if I'm honest it doesn't feel like he meant it. But it's done. My later post was what should us women do if we feel unsafe when clearly what I did gets me accused of having a strop, over reacting and being abusive. I really bloody wasn't! It does feel like women get blamed in our culture however they react and why La Fee's post resonated. " You told this bloke you didn't want to meet in a car park. He met you in a dark car park with no other people around. Too right you were scared. | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? So why hasn't he shown any remorse or regret to the OP for the fact that his actions unintentionally scared her? Mrs He has if you read back She said he apologised for wasting her time and spoiling her evening, but did not apologise for freaking her out. There was a slight typo though in what she said, so it could have been interpreted that he did apologise for freakish her out. Maybe the OP can clarify if she has had an apology for him freaking her out You're correct that typo was that he'd NOT apologised for disrespecting my wishes or freaking me out. I challenged him on it and he has now apologised but it took several messages to get there so if I'm honest it doesn't feel like he meant it. But it's done. My later post was what should us women do if we feel unsafe when clearly what I did gets me accused of having a strop, over reacting and being abusive. I really bloody wasn't! It does feel like women get blamed in our culture however they react and why La Fee's post resonated. " It's very hard to know what to do in a situation where, us as women, feel scared. It's particularly demoralising to be accused of having a strop in response to feeling scared. I don't think there's anything you can really learn from this incident OP, other can carry on with your safety parameters. Hopefully, if the man concerned has listened to you in any way, he will have a better understanding of the sort of things that might unnerve a woman and therefore never go against a woman's safety request again. Mrs | |||
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"I still maintain that this is a good kind man and that his intentions were entirely honourable and that trying to demonize him this way is wrong. He has the utmost respect for women, he doesn't mess people around and when he's in the wrong he is humble. The sheer venom towards him and wrong assumptions about him from many posters here is totally unwarranted. The OP has as big a part to play here with her own behaviour, and perhaps lessons can be learned from both sides. Had he chased you around the car park with a machete then your reaction would be fit, but that wasn't the case was it OP? Seriously? It takes a machete to make getting freaked out and bolting appropriate?
No apparently it just takes a well presented man walking towards your car to make sure you were ok after you got flustered trying to park in the front car park.
Jesus, get over yourself princess
The princess remark is really uncalled for.
You think women should 'get over' feeling uncomfortable in the presence of 'well presented' men?? ... because obviously men who've made an effort with their appearance are always 100% trustworthy (ha ha, they're not).
This man, regardless of what he bloody well looked like, had *already* shown he couldn't be trusted because HE had ignored an arrangement HE had agreed to "100% agree | |||
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" This man, regardless of what he bloody well looked like, had *already* shown he couldn't be trusted because HE had ignored an arrangement HE had agreed to
100% agree "this is why i have criteria s and preferences. if they cant respect this how they going to respect boundaries if you are playing together  | |||
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"I bailed on a meet tonight as I was freaked out by the person I was meeting and wondering what others would do in this situation. The meet was an hours drive for me and rather than give his address, the guy asked to meet in a pub which I happily agreed to. He then said I'll meet you in the car park I told him I'm not driving an hour to meet someone in a dark car park, I'll meet you inside the pub, which he agreed to.
I drove in and was reversing into a space but could see someone stood watching me. I wasn't comfortable and didn't know who it was so decide to move to another place in the car park and see what he did. He followed me into the larger car park behind and stood waiting. I guessed it was him (although it still may not have been, I wasn't 100%). If it was him I wasn't happy that hadn't respected my one safety request. I didn't feel safe so just drove out. I stopped briefly on the way to roll down my window and inch (the door were locked) to tell him I said I won't meet in a dark car park. If I want to do that I'll go dogging ffs!
I parked up on a main road further up from the pub to calm down. I messaged him explaining again but he refused to apologise for meeting me in the car park because that's what other ladies had asked for - this is despite me specifically requesting NOT to meet me in the car park
I'm sure he meant well but shouldn't it be about what I want in terms of safety? If a man won't respect a simple safety request while meeting in a public place, what else won't he respect when alone at his house.
So my questions:
Ladies, would you prefer to meet in a car park at night or inside the pub? He suggests I'm the exception to the rule but I can't imagine many women being happy to drive an hour to meet an unknown man in a unknown dark car park!!
Gents, would you respect a woman's wishes on safety even if it was different to other women you'd met? And would you apologise for disrespecting her safety request and freaking her out? He thinks that's not required although he did apologise for me wasting 2 hours of my time "Firstly, could you not recognise him from his pictures and secondly, if any guy had changed his mind on the meeting place the way he did, I for one wouldn't of met him! That's been done to me before. Ladies once your instinct kicks in, why don't you act upon it!!! It's a safety measure we automatically have inside of us.... It's not called paranoia as most men like to call it.... Think you've had a lucky escape and he's a disrespectful 'man' who has no idea about females... Take good care of yourself sweetie x you did right... | |||
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"I completely respect woman's safety. And myself. If your genuine it should be no problem. I would of even told you where I was sitting, so you wouldn't have to go looking around the pub. "This is the right way x | |||
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"Seems to me there's two possibilities with this bloke 1. He's attached so doesn't want to be seen on public or 2. He thinks he knows better than a woman herself what is best for her. Neither is very attractive. " Too many 1,2 of these types on here | |||
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"Seems to me there's two possibilities with this bloke 1. He's attached so doesn't want to be seen on public or 2. He thinks he knows better than a woman herself what is best for her. Neither is very attractive. Too many 1,2 of these types on here "and they get found out usually | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " Do you think he didn't realise that he was supposed to meet her inside? | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " You've been defending him for a while and have not mentioned this previously. Hence it was perfectly reasonable to assume that was not disputed. | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " Well the OP said quite clearly earlier in the thread she had told him NOT to meet her in the car park and had been quite specific about it. | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " the original post explains very clearly that he offered to meet in the car park and she said very plainly that she did not want to meet anyone in a dark car park. Just sounds like a typical middle aged man who knows better than a woman who needs to be looked after regardless of what she herself thinks..its just arrogance...and far far from 'honourable' , or 'gentlemanly'. | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. You've been defending him for a while and have not mentioned this previously. Hence it was perfectly reasonable to assume that was not disputed. " Our long term playmate is a man who we have the greatest respect for, but he doesn't always think. We forgive his transgressions because we know him well and we have good relationship with him. However if someone came on the forum and complained about something he had done as a result of not thinking properly, I would say to the forum he's a nice guy who would never deliberately disrespect someone. But I would also acknowledge that he had done wrong. I would not stick up for the transgression he had commited however good a friend he is. Mrs | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " The OP has already stated on numerous occasions that he had agreed to meet her INSIDE the pub, how could he not know what he's agreed to? I get the he's your friend and you're being loyal in defending him. However, I feel that going against her wishes the he AGREED to prior to the meet is indefensible | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " Maybe he want's to come on the forums later and give his version of event's. | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. Maybe he want's to come on the forums later and give his version of event's." be the 1st of a few in the years i bet | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. " It is the case, re her original post, sounds perfectly clear to me. And no one has called him a villain, just disrespectful for not sticking to what she had arranged with him prior to meeting which HE HAD AGREED TO!!! | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. Maybe he want's to come on the forums later and give his version of event's." this would be a very good idea, unlikely to happen though | |||
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"This is why we need to be able to leave neg feedback. Its guys like this that make the site dangerous for us women. I was on the site a few years ago and i had a meet with a guy who just wouldnt take no (he looked nothing like his pics) luckily we met in public and a stranger told him to leave me be. Put me off for a while and i hate to think how his next meet was "To be clear I don't believe he is dangerous, nor is he married as some have suggested. I'm sure he thought he was being a gentleman and I said that to him in my message last night. This thread was about him disrespecting my wish, following me around a car park and not apologising for freaking me out until this was posted and even then it took a few messages. I wanted to know what others would have done and it seems I'm not the exception to the rule as he suggested I was. What I hope he's realised is how creepy his behaviour comes across as if you're not expecting it and when I said not to meet in the car park. Did I recognise him? No it was dark, he could have been anyone! It's fine the person who knows him saying he had a good intention but if you don't know someone, you go by their behaviours and in this case, his behaviour was imho creepy and disrespectful. Trust gone in an instant | |||
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"This is why we need to be able to leave neg feedback. Its guys like this that make the site dangerous for us women. I was on the site a few years ago and i had a meet with a guy who just wouldnt take no (he looked nothing like his pics) luckily we met in public and a stranger told him to leave me be. Put me off for a while and i hate to think how his next meet was
To be clear I don't believe he is dangerous, nor is he married as some have suggested. I'm sure he thought he was being a gentleman and I said that to him in my message last night. This thread was about him disrespecting my wish, following me around a car park and not apologising for freaking me out until this was posted and even then it took a few messages. I wanted to know what others would have done and it seems I'm not the exception to the rule as he suggested I was.
What I hope he's realised is how creepy his behaviour comes across as if you're not expecting it and when I said not to meet in the car park. Did I recognise him? No it was dark, he could have been anyone! It's fine the person who knows him saying he had a good intention but if you don't know someone, you go by their behaviours and in this case, his behaviour was imho creepy and disrespectful.
Trust gone in an instant "Exactly. Not realising that following a lone woman around in a car park is not on is someone with little nous. If he thought it better to meet you in the car park after all. He could have messaged you and suggested that. | |||
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"This is why we need to be able to leave neg feedback. Its guys like this that make the site dangerous for us women. I was on the site a few years ago and i had a meet with a guy who just wouldnt take no (he looked nothing like his pics) luckily we met in public and a stranger told him to leave me be. Put me off for a while and i hate to think how his next meet was
To be clear I don't believe he is dangerous, nor is he married as some have suggested. I'm sure he thought he was being a gentleman and I said that to him in my message last night. This thread was about him disrespecting my wish, following me around a car park and not apologising for freaking me out until this was posted and even then it took a few messages. I wanted to know what others would have done and it seems I'm not the exception to the rule as he suggested I was.
What I hope he's realised is how creepy his behaviour comes across as if you're not expecting it and when I said not to meet in the car park. Did I recognise him? No it was dark, he could have been anyone! It's fine the person who knows him saying he had a good intention but if you don't know someone, you go by their behaviours and in this case, his behaviour was imho creepy and disrespectful.
Trust gone in an instant
Exactly. Not realising that following a lone woman around in a car park is not on is someone with little nous.
If he thought it better to meet you in the car park after all. He could have messaged you and suggested that. "Yes. And I'd have declined the meet if they were his rules. Simple | |||
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"This is why we need to be able to leave neg feedback. Its guys like this that make the site dangerous for us women. I was on the site a few years ago and i had a meet with a guy who just wouldnt take no (he looked nothing like his pics) luckily we met in public and a stranger told him to leave me be. Put me off for a while and i hate to think how his next meet was
To be clear I don't believe he is dangerous, nor is he married as some have suggested. I'm sure he thought he was being a gentleman and I said that to him in my message last night. This thread was about him disrespecting my wish, following me around a car park and not apologising for freaking me out until this was posted and even then it took a few messages. I wanted to know what others would have done and it seems I'm not the exception to the rule as he suggested I was.
What I hope he's realised is how creepy his behaviour comes across as if you're not expecting it and when I said not to meet in the car park. Did I recognise him? No it was dark, he could have been anyone! It's fine the person who knows him saying he had a good intention but if you don't know someone, you go by their behaviours and in this case, his behaviour was imho creepy and disrespectful.
Trust gone in an instant "thanks for clarifying yet again OP, you should not feel the need to justify your behaviour, he was in the wrong for being disrespectful. | |||
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"Ok I'm just going to post some of my bad experiences here, some of these were from guys I had previously met and boundaries were initially respected, one was a random fab guy in the pool, the rest have been via pm on here, his only knows how they think things like the following are acceptable... I've had a stalker and two guys trying to get into my house at two am also been threatened with r@pe been told I know where you live, work driving round town looking for you etc. I went swimming the other weekend some weirdo came up and started letching over me in the pool. It's horrific the way some behave." Sorry you've had these experiences. I've been stalked twice, once from another swinging website from a guy who tried to force me into bareback during a meet but I managed to get out. I also posted a thread maybe a week or so ago about a guy from here who messaged telling me he wanted to break in and r*pe me and there were even apologists for that (thread removed due to content). I don't think guys really know how it is for women. I cannot apologise for being freaked out when followed around a dark car park. He acknowledged in a message that I said meet in the pub not in the car park so the argument I wasn't clear as put forward by his friend is flawed. Thanks all for your input | |||
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"You are all assuming that she made it crystal clear to him prior to meeting, this may not be the case though, yet he's the villain. You've been defending him for a while and have not mentioned this previously. Hence it was perfectly reasonable to assume that was not disputed. " I've maintained throughout that there are two sides to the story and you are all only hearing one. It would be unfair of me to quote him verbatum as their private texts are between them and I don't want to break site rules. I do know more information but it's not my place to say it. It's going to be impossible for him to join the thread at this point to try and explain himself as he's already been hung drawn and quartered by the baying mob | |||
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" I've maintained throughout that there are two sides to the story and you are all only hearing one. It would be unfair of me to quote him verbatum as their private texts are between them and I don't want to break site rules. I do know more information but it's not my place to say it. It's going to be impossible for him to join the thread at this point to try and explain himself as he's already been hung drawn and quartered by the baying mob" He accepts I said not to meet in the car park to meet in the pub and that he didn't. I can't think of anything that you could be referring to. I don't believe I've misrepresented anything in this thread. The fact remains he followed me in a dark car park after I'd said not to meet in the car park. He is of course welcome to start another thread. I've just collated all the messages for reference and I may send them to a friend so they can start posting third hand comments on any other thread | |||
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