FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Getting over an affair.

Getting over an affair.

By *upcakegirl27 OP Woman over a year ago

Eastbourne

So i know im going to be shot for this but here goes. Ive been on and off this site for a while now. I had an affair, (both married) ive ended it because i realised i was more into him than he was about me. I feel heartbroken and so sad. My husband has noticed something is up and i dunno how to handle it. Do i just come clean now? Just pick myself up and carry on? Howa do others in a similar sitaution deal with it??

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By *ustaceSmithMan over a year ago

Saxmundham

I am 30 years older than you, and was once in your husband's position. You should absolutely not come clean now or at any time in the future, unless you wish to risk your marriage. You must deal with your emotions without burdening your husband with them. The truth is vastly overrated. In these circumstances, no-one benefits. In due time, your emotions will pass. If they do not, you have the option of leaving your marriage, and at that point you may wish to offer your (ended) affair as a reason.

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

I'll keep my thought's to myself

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am 30 years older than you, and was once in your husband's position. You should absolutely not come clean now or at any time in the future, unless you wish to risk your marriage. You must deal with your emotions without burdening your husband with them. The truth is vastly overrated. In these circumstances, no-one benefits. In due time, your emotions will pass. If they do not, you have the option of leaving your marriage, and at that point you may wish to offer your (ended) affair as a reason."

What he said.

Why hurt your husband just because you're hurting.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

What he said.

Why hurt your husband just because you're hurting. "

This. Why not get your husband into swinging?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So i know im going to be shot for this but here goes. Ive been on and off this site for a while now. I had an affair, (both married) ive ended it because i realised i was more into him than he was about me. I feel heartbroken and so sad. My husband has noticed something is up and i dunno how to handle it. Do i just come clean now? Just pick myself up and carry on? Howa do others in a similar sitaution deal with it?? "

Ok here's my opinion - keep it to yourself if you want your marriage to continue. It's your burden to bear, so why deliberately destroy your husband to make yourself feel better?

If you can't and you're religious, go to confession...if not, speak to someone totally impartial and non-judgemental like the Samaritans. Then take all your remaining guilt, hurt and sadness, mentally put it in a box, seal it up, lock it in a cupboard and keep the key. A weird analogy but it works.

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By *o new WinksMan over a year ago

BSE

Ok here's my opinion - keep it to yourself if you want your marriage to continue. It's your burden to bear, so why deliberately destroy your husband to make yourself feel better?

I have spent my life putting aspects into separate boxes. There is no real need for them to crossover.

In this case I think you want sympathy and support.

May I suggest anywhere other than your hubby and anyone who may know him?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Agree with everyone else. It sounds like you seek absolution (maybe not intentionally) and that by telling your husband you'll feel better... But here's the kick in the teeth. You won't... And he'll be wrecked. Some secrets are best kept secret. Try and use this experience to grow and take your relationship forward, or even to the next level and suggest swinging, swapping etc together.. . He may say no but you've gotta try right?

Or.... Leave him. If you don't actually want to be with him that maybe why you had the affair and because the other person hasn't left their partner you feel hurt? I'm just spit balling here.

OP... Some people will judge you for your post, I'm glad you've been honest (to the fab community at least).. Keep us all posted and good luck.

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By *upcakegirl27 OP Woman over a year ago

Eastbourne

We used to swing together, its how i know about this site but he grew bored and we agreed to stop. After a while i missed it and came back on my own and its been like that eversince. Im not sure if i still want to be with him. Guess ingot some working out to do!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

OP thanks for sharing. i see that you've only rejoined the site 2 weeks ago, so are you looking to meet someone else?

If so perhaps you need to be honest with your partner and yourself.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I agree with the advise. I was on here when I was married and it's how i met Marjorie. What i didn't see was the end of my marriage and it's not the end of the world. Do not confess all, it causes too much heart ache.

Good luck x betty x

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Try and compartmentalise. What happened, happened to the 'swinging' you and not the 'wife' you. Keep quiet and move on. I bet if you suggested swinging to your husband he might like the idea? Although be a bit subtle and long term about it and see how it goes. Use the time to think about what could change about your marriage. It's a wake up opportunity.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm going to buck the trend here. You should tell your hubby. Clear your conscience. It's hard to grasp the whole reason why your on here in the first place without asking you to spill your life story out which I would ask no one to do!

Maybe you ended up on here because something is missing or not quite right at home. In the long run by telling your husband everything, you stand a far better chance of fixing everything which may include a reason your here to begin with, your conscience will be clear and perhaps may make you and your hubby far stronger than previously.

Papering over the damage for the long term isn't the solution. That's only my opinion and I really feel sorry for you being in this position. I hope you can rectify it all

S xxx

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

"We used to swing together, its how i know about this site but he grew bored and we agreed to stop. After a while i missed it and came back on my own and its been like that eversince. Im not sure if i still want to be with him. Guess ingot some working out to do!"

How long have you been married? Your profile says you're 27 which is the average age a woman gets married to start with.

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By *illy_the_tvTV/TS over a year ago

hoorn, Netherlands

I've never understood everyone's suggestions to things like this when they say 'get your husband into swinging', I think you'll find most men that aren't already in the scene do not want to see they woman they love getting fucked by another man. In this case, no, definitely do not tell your husband, you had an affair and you're feeling bad about t breaking up, why also break your husband's heart because of that. Misery loves company but rarely does the company deserve it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/07/17 17:55:04]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.

Personally, I don't want to judge people, because the old saying about walking in someone else's shoes is true BUT I can't even imagine how devastated I would be if I was in a long term relationship and the other person cheated.

I suggest, maybe taking some time/ head space to get over the affair and work out if you still want to be in the marriage.

Maybe you could go to relate on your own, a space just for you to talk it through with someone non-judgemental and completely impartial. Bear in mind they will have heard it all before so won't be shocked by what you say. x

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

I would say take yourself off somewhere for a couple of hours and have a good,hard think about how you see your future.

If you can envisage yourself with your husband in ten or even twenty years time can you keep this to yourself that long? If you tell your husband and he asks you to leave how will you feel? If he's as heartbroken by your confession as you are by the break up how will you feel?

Is your husband enough for you? If you have children how will they be affected?

Personally I think lies and secrets damage relationships whether they're revealed or not.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Pulling and fucking someone hotter than them. Getting them attached to you then dumping them. It increases your self esteem by crushing theirs.

Pump and dump. Ghost them, then call out of the blue then fuck them then ghost them again.

Fuck their close fit mate.

All things will make you feel better and just give them a grin

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

"I've never understood everyone's suggestions to things like this when they say 'get your husband into swinging', I think you'll find most men that aren't already in the scene do not want to see they woman they love getting fucked by another man. In this case, no, definitely do not tell your husband, you had an affair and you're feeling bad about t breaking up, why also break your husband's heart because of that. Misery loves company but rarely does the company deserve it"

Swinging is a sub-culture. That means that by default, most people are not going to know if they like it or not because it's not something they are prompted to have an opinion on. Most people need to be introduced to a sub-culture by someone else and are not likely to just try it of their own accord. I honestly didn't know if i would like seeing my wife with another guy, until we tried it and the stiffness of my penis indicated i did.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

They used to swing but he grew bored.

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By *eviousJMan over a year ago

Reading

Find a new jockey.. use and abuse him sexually.. chances are he'll be over the moon.. you'd have slowly forgotten about the affair and hubby will be non the wiser.. win win situation.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you had been the one being faithful in your marriage and your husband one day sat you down and said to you exactly the same words as you have written in your post about being on and off this site and about having an affair, how would you feel? In the end you have to do what you feel is the right thing to do for both of you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ok here's my opinion - keep it to yourself if you want your marriage to continue. It's your burden to bear, so why deliberately destroy your husband to make yourself feel better?

Love the box idea.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What he said.

Why hurt your husband just because you're hurting. "
yes exactly all this!.. don't unburden yourself onto him, put it in your secret little emotional pandora's box and keep it there forever. You will learn to get over it, like a loss of anything dear to your heart, time will heal, cliche I know but it's true! X

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By *erebralStimulationCouple over a year ago

Newcastle

"Agree with everyone else. It sounds like you seek absolution (maybe not intentionally) and that by telling your husband you'll feel better... But here's the kick in the teeth. You won't... And he'll be wrecked. Some secrets are best kept secret. Try and use this experience to grow and take your relationship forward, or even to the next level and suggest swinging, swapping etc together.. . He may say no but you've gotta try right?

Or.... Leave him. If you don't actually want to be with him that maybe why you had the affair and because the other person hasn't left their partner you feel hurt? I'm just spit balling here.

OP... Some people will judge you for your post, I'm glad you've been honest (to the fab community at least).. Keep us all posted and good luck.

This is by far the best rational sound advice you will get.

Please let us know what you decide OP chin up

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/07/17 18:48:34]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sadly affairs rarely see the two of you sailing off into the sunset. Let yourself heal before making any decisions and spend time reflecting on why it was you were tempted into the affair. What was missing in your marriage, what isn't right about your life, what were you looking for etc. Only then can you move forward and make the right decisions for you, your Husband and your marriage. Good luck

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By *ugs and JunkCouple over a year ago

Bellshill

If you love your husband and want to be with him don't tell him & come off this site & stop cheating it's not fair on him. It sounds like you just want to tell him to unburden yourself which again isn't fair. You made the decision to cheat you deal with the after effects of it not working out. If you felt so strong for the person you cheated with it questions if you should be with your husband. If you want out then break it off don't string him along as a shoulder to cry on

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wouldn't tell him. It's horrible knowing your spouse has been having an affair. You feel sick and no matter how sorry they are you just can't look at them the same again. Even when your both sitting watching the tv your thinking omg I fuckin hate you. Have a serious word with yourself and pull yourself together....either leave or get on with it. You husband deserves that at least x

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By *ancs MinxWoman over a year ago

Burnley

"If you love your husband and want to be with him don't tell him & come off this site & stop cheating it's not fair on him. It sounds like you just want to tell him to unburden yourself which again isn't fair. You made the decision to cheat you deal with the after effects of it not working out. If you felt so strong for the person you cheated with it questions if you should be with your husband. If you want out then break it off don't string him along as a shoulder to cry on"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You need to take a good hard look at your marriage and see what's wrong with it and endeavour to either improve it or simply walk away but marriage is a two way thing and in order to repair it u need to talk to hubby about what's wrong but do not admit to cheating as that may go against you long-term as even though he may forgive you it will act as a slow acting poison in his brain

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

That's good advice, if your affair is over and you wish to rebuild and save your marriage then why hurt your husband. No good will come of the truth, only heartache.

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

"They used to swing but he grew bored."

I didn't read that bit

Thinking time, op!

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By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd really think about what you want out of your life.

I did exactly what you did and I got found out before I could tell him, he forgave me but I knew my heart wasn't in it, I was never satisfied with him so I knew it was over and it was a relief.

Don't stay with him over guilt, stay with him because you love him.

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By *irginieWoman over a year ago

Near Marlborough

always totally surprised by the difference in tone to this when women ask. I can imagine the hanging, drawing and quartering if it was a guy asking this question.

My opinion (and I don't know you) is you must tell only if you want to fix the marriage. If you don't tell and you try to fix your relationship .... It will get you in the end.

If you don't want the relationship. Leave and don't tell him the whole truth. That's just cruel.

And better hope he's not here because he's already suspicious.

V x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Or.... Leave him. If you don't actually want to be with him that maybe why you had the affair and because the other person hasn't left their partner you feel hurt? I'm just spit balling here.

OP... Some people will judge you for your post, I'm glad you've been honest (to the fab community at least).. Keep us all posted and good luck.

This is by far the best rational sound advice you will get.

Please let us know what you decide OP chin up "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I strongly agree!

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By *ungBlackTopMan over a year ago

salford

Just leave him and let him be happy with someone else, it's the decent thing to do.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" always totally surprised by the difference in tone to this when women ask. I can imagine the hanging, drawing and quartering if it was a guy asking this question.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's horrible knowing your spouse has been having an affair. You feel sick and no matter how sorry they are you just can't look at them the same again. Even when your both sitting watching the tv your thinking omg I fuckin hate you."

I'm curious. There must be swingers who've fallen a bit for their play mates and then had to go cold turkey. Does this also feel crappy for the partner? Or is it different as there was no lying?

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By *he Secret Tea PartyCouple over a year ago

London

Is it worth working out why you had the affair and then decide what to do?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You live and learn OP........... If you love Your husband and think you can work it out yourself and put more into him I think say nothing work on things with him . If there is no hope and you feel its over tell him as it could help.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You might consider honesty as you clearly have a need(s) which hubby isn't fulfilling? You might not necessarily tell him about the affair but you should consider telling him what you need that he's not giving you.

You clearly care about hubby on some level cos if you didnt you wouldn't care what he did or didnt know and I daresay you might probably have left him x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I found out in May that my wife of 16yrs was having a 6month affair. We had what 99% of people would say was a great marriage. Very strong and loving. We have now split as I have no idea where to start in terms of repairing. It honestly feels like a death in the family each and every morning I wake up.

Not too sure why ive put this here but maybe someone through the same as me has advice.

I have started looking to see if I can get into another social scene as I do feel being around people helps.

Anyway sorry to hijack this thread.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I haven't gone through this so don't know but I'd hazard a guess that now is not the time to be deciding if you want to save your marriage or not. You're too emotionally raw to make a level headed decision on that. Personally, I'd suggest just automatically recommiting to your marriage, trying to find the silver lining in it, and working through your grief in private. When the grief has passed you'll either find yourself in a better marriage than you had before, remember it isn't worth leaving, or realise you want another affair and, as such, you should probably leave your husband. That'd be my advice

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If your husband found out you'd be putting him through even worse feelings than your having now... allow yourself time to mourn the end of the affair but don't needlessly hurt anyone else until you have taken time to seriously think if you want to save your marriage or walk away. Once you tell him of the affair you cant take it back and it could have devastating consequences.

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By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I found out in May that my wife of 16yrs was having a 6month affair. We had what 99% of people would say was a great marriage. Very strong and loving. We have now split as I have no idea where to start in terms of repairing. It honestly feels like a death in the family each and every morning I wake up.

Hey, in my first wife, hurt like hell, however when we parted it was such a relief, Close the loop and look to a new sensual/sexual world, claim your life back.

Not too sure why ive put this here but maybe someone through the same as me has advice.

I have started looking to see if I can get into another social scene as I do feel being around people helps.

Anyway sorry to hijack this thread."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Is everyone here bonkers?

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By *ugs and JunkCouple over a year ago

Bellshill

End it with your husband, leave him, hope and pray he doesn't find out what you have been doing behind his back!

If you felt that strongly about him and valued your relationship, you would have discussed your urges and needs.

I hope he never finds out. Either through you, the guy(s) you've been with, or another. Then again, it might be better that he knows......

Jim

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By *oxy_minxWoman over a year ago

Scotland - Aberdeen

The main reason why people tell their other halves they have been fucking about on them, is really to unburden themselves! It's not noble otherwise you would have done so long before it got to this stage, selfish people have to live with their conscience or just end it!

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By *exycouplemmmmCouple over a year ago

Surrey

Happened to me too.... 6 years I was with the guy, but his other half found out. We carried on and were v careful then she caught him again. She didn't know we had an affair (he wasn't married) but she found out we were in contact again. So it ended. I was heartbroken too for a very long time. He was my best mate and such an amazing person. Still feel very sad about losing someone so special. I didn't tell my other half at the time... but like you... he sensed something was up. I didn't ever come clean... just worked through it in my own. I think he was my soulmate to be honest. Very sad thinking about him even now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Don't confess to make yourself feel better, it's totally unfair on your husband.

Give yourself time to get over the other guy, you will feel sad as you've lost someone you care for deeply from your life.

In a few months time you'll know how you really feel about this guy and / or your current partner ~ if this means you no longer want to be in your relationship then this is the time to sit down & talk through everything, not just the affair.

Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The main reason why people tell their other halves they have been fucking about on them, is really to unburden themselves! It's not noble otherwise you would have done so long before it got to this stage, selfish people have to live with their conscience or just end it!

As someone who is going through this right now you are spot on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think the advice would be rather less lenient had you been the male half.

You should have discussed your wish to keep swinging. I think it's too late now.

You should decide if you want to stay with him or not. If you don't leave and save him the embarrassment of finding out you're a cheat. If you do... confess and talk it through; leave him the choice, as to forgive you or leave.

He doesn't deserve to be treated like this and "saving him the heart ache" isn't noble. It's deceitful, cheating and wrong.

We see men crucified every day on here with the same excuse as you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's with the veri from another woman 9 hours ago? How does that fit in with your 'heartbroken' state?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's with the veri from another woman 9 hours ago? How does that fit in with your 'heartbroken' state?"

Could be just a social

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By *ady LickWoman over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

"Don't confess to make yourself feel better, it's totally unfair on your husband.

Give yourself time to get over the other guy, you will feel sad as you've lost someone you care for deeply from your life.

Good luck."

This

Don't rush.

So many things to consider. You're still young to so if you do decide to leave your husband you will have time to meet someone else at some point

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's with the veri from another woman 9 hours ago? How does that fit in with your 'heartbroken' state?"

Dont judge.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not too sure why ive put this here but maybe someone through the same as me has advice.

I have started looking to see if I can get into another social scene as I do feel being around people helps.

Anyway sorry to hijack this thread."

Time heals everything....eventually.

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By *eerobCouple over a year ago

solihull

OP. what you did proves that you ate the unhealthy one in your marriage. You should get counselling in the first bin stance to mend yourself. This may result in u telling your hubby, it may not. Until you make yourself well enough to be honourable in a relationship, I don't think you should make any hasty decisions. But..... If hubby finds out and you haven't told him.. Is that going to be worse than if you do tell him??? I don't know the answer? Its a mess.. Your fault it's difficult to sort. Hope hubby doesn't hurt too much whatever the result.

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By *ugs and JunkCouple over a year ago

Bellshill

What's with the veri from another woman 9 hours ago? How does that fit in with your 'heartbroken' state?

Could be just a social

Could be. Affair could also only be going on for two weeks. I doubt it though.

Sounds like someone is afraid they are about to be caught, and kicked out. #FingersCrossed

Jim

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 17/07/17 22:16:26]

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By *vent44ukMan over a year ago

Galashiels

I agree with this, admitting your affair would not be a wise move. Time will heal, but I know it can be hard, been there myself.

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By *ugs and JunkCouple over a year ago

Bellshill

"The views from the moral high horses on here must be amazing!! "

Don't know about moral high ground, but I know how it feels from the male perspective - while being accused of all sorts! Trust me, it feels nothing like "high ground"

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

I told an ex I'd cheated on her. Truth was i didn't have the balls to tell her all the things i didn't like about her and didn't have the balls to just end it. I regret it now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The views from the moral high horses on here must be amazing!!

Don't know about moral high ground, but I know how it feels from the male perspective - while being accused of all sorts! Trust me, it feels nothing like "high ground"

Why do you want her kicked out ??

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By *ugs and JunkCouple over a year ago

Bellshill

"The views from the moral high horses on here must be amazing!!

Don't know about moral high ground, but I know how it feels from the male perspective - while being accused of all sorts! Trust me, it feels nothing like "high ground"

Why do you want her kicked out ??

Is that meant to be a question for me?!

Did I say "I want" her kicked out? You must have quoted the wrong thing! Maybe you misinterpreted me, maybe you're just taking the piss?

Try reading what I wrote, process it as best you can (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) and then reply

Jim

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By *hunkyThighsMan over a year ago

Gloucester

I'm in a similar mess right now myself. But what I'm thinking about your situation is what's people have already alluded too..

Keep quiet, keep your knickers on and work on your marriage

End the marriage and do what you please.

I didn't have the balls to end my marriage, needed up having an affair instead, got caught, was forgiven and now I'm thinking I need to end the marriage again. It's caused loads of heartache! For myself and her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not too sure why ive put this here but maybe someone through the same as me has advice.

I have started looking to see if I can get into another social scene as I do feel being around people helps.

Anyway sorry to hijack this thread."

Think it's very relevant. Had the same thing with an ex-partner. I found out she was having an affair. We split up then got back together again but eventually broke up permanently. It was never the same after I found out.

If I hadn't found out think we'd still be together though. People make mistakes and all relationships go through ups and downs.

Though it's not directly relevant to my situation, I feel that "confession" is a very selfish act. It can only cause huge pain to your partner and, if you really want to split up, you can find plenty of other reasons to justify it.

If you don't want to split up, then what are you trying to achieve.....?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ok here's my opinion - keep it to yourself if you want your marriage to continue. It's your burden to bear, so why deliberately destroy your husband to make yourself feel better?

I think thats good advice.

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By *ay19720Man over a year ago

Ashford kent

Hi.op..

Don't tell hubby..he is innocent. (.to a degree..)..tell him u had row at work or arguments with a mate and for him not to worry. ..

U will work thro howw u felt..tho maybe u lack something hubby not giving ..maybe u should address that and why yr cheating...why not surgest swing to hubby ..he gets a bit of puss then too..lol

Anyway good luck..

Ps..im a non judgmental type..lol

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By *hocko87Man over a year ago

dublin

It happened to me . A lady broke my heart but I got over it . It does take a while but it might be harder for a lady . It is very hurtful. I cried my eyes out over her but I eventually I got over her .

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By *hubaysiWoman over a year ago

Leeds

OP don't tell your husband.

I think you should put it behind you, appreciate what you could have lost. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Good luck

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By *itofamouthfullMan over a year ago

cotswolds/herefordshire

Cut all ties with them, delete, block and move on and just give it time. Will be hard and it will hurt like nothing else but eventually won't seem so bad (time doesn't heal!!, you just learn to live with it.)

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By *itofamouthfullMan over a year ago

cotswolds/herefordshire

And def don't tell your hubby!

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By *ack256Man over a year ago

Northampton

Am i the only one who thinks she should tell him? I know if i was him I'd rather know than possibly spend years with someone who has cheated? Surely if she wants to make it work with her husband she should tell him and make up his own mind. I'd personally like to know if my spouse was cheating. It's a betrayal of trust and loyalty. Maybe you should look into the reason you cheated on the first place and if your not happy leave or explain how you would like the relationship To go forward

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm curious. There must be swingers who've fallen a bit for their play mates and then had to go cold turkey. Does this also feel crappy for the partner? Or is it different as there was no lying? "

I don't think there is any comparison we both pick our meets and we are both upfront and in an mmf scenario it's all about Mr and me....the male joining us is a bit irrelevant as such. An affair is totally one sided and it's one of them being deceitful and dishonest x

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By *ack256Man over a year ago

Northampton

[Removed by poster at 18/07/17 00:25:49]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I feel for the poor guy he clearly knows you and suspects something is wrong, and it's probably hurting and bringing him down more than yourself. You could tell him the truth as it would make you feel better letting it out and getting a great weight lifted off your back, and he probably deserves to know and not made a fool of. Truth isn't always nice or right but the truth is the truth!

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By *yldstyleWoman over a year ago

A world of my own

I'm not sure you ever really get over falling for someone who doesn't catch you. Each time it leaves you feeling like you arent good enough.

However, you're married to someone who believes you are. If you value that then I'd say nothing and work on whatever isn't right in your relationship that made you look elsewhere.

Don't break his heart needlessly.

8 years ago I was in a similar position to you although, I'd already ended my marriage (it got nasty when he found out.) To be fair I had wanted it over for years and it was enough of a push to finally make him leave.

I did come clean on everything the day my 4 year affair also ended. He had left his wife, though not for me!

I told my ex everything, every lie, every excuse I'd made for things.

Despite the fact our marriage was over already and we hated each other, I'll never forget the hurt in his eyes. It wasn't worth it and if anything it made me feel even worse.

To this day I maintain that I'm in the situations I'm in because of karma or because I don't deserve to be happy.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm curious. There must be swingers who've fallen a bit for their play mates and then had to go cold turkey. Does this also feel crappy for the partner? Or is it different as there was no lying?

There is a comparison if one falls for their playmates which is what was asked. Reading the fallout on here in the past I'd say it's on par if not worse as the massive amount of trust needed to swing has effectively been thrown back in that persons face.

Nice to hear the male joining you is a bit irrelevant ~ performing seal comes to mind...

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By *upcakegirl27 OP Woman over a year ago

Eastbourne

Thank you everyone for all your messages. I have decided i should end things with my husband. The veri was from somone i have met before not from recently. Its hard isnt it. How do you tell your husband you no longer love him? We got small children as well so its going to be a tough ride i think, one i must suck up and do.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good luck with your decision, it's going to be a tough time for a while.

I'm not too sure how you tell someone you don't love them anymore, I think I would stick to specifics & try not to get too personal.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm curious. There must be swingers who've fallen a bit for their play mates and then had to go cold turkey. Does this also feel crappy for the partner? Or is it different as there was no lying?

Nice to hear the male joining you is a bit irrelevant ~ performing seal comes to mind...

Thats ok....they're happy to perform

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By *icplshropsCouple over a year ago

Rock

Breaking up with anyone isn't all that easy, but it's best to be single, rather than staying in an unhappy marriage.

I would advise not to tell him. Not only divorces can became messy, but he doesn't deserve more heartache, when he finds out he's been made a fool of.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

Personally i think you shouls take some more personal responsibility for the decisions you've made. You're only 27 so it's highly unlikely you've really tried everything to get the marriage back on track. It's your decision at the end of the day but don't pretend it won't have a negative impact on the children you decided to make.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

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By *imetoexplore69Couple over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Thank you everyone for all your messages. I have decided i should end things with my husband. The veri was from somone i have met before not from recently. Its hard isnt it. How do you tell your husband you no longer love him? We got small children as well so its going to be a tough ride i think, one i must suck up and do. "
i would hold back on telling him about the affair.it's going to be hard enough for the guy to go from full time with his kids to being a part time dad.really feel sorry for the dude.hope all the people that cheat on here get a look at this thread .mabye things may have been different if you guys talked more about doing this kind of thing together that is of course you would be willing to do so instead of being selfish. but what do i know I'm just a stranger on the internet and dynamics of relashinships differ from couple to couple.good luck to both of you at least you guys are still young so hopefully you guys find what you are looking for.

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By *eerobCouple over a year ago

solihull

Seek expert help and give yourself 6 months. Don't be so selfish

.don't destroy the family without proper help, the poor man is going to miss his kids because of you, at least seek help for yourself in the first instance and see if this puts things into a more realistic prospective. You've been living in a fantasy land with your lover, see the world properly with help.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's funny how everyone has been so easy on a woman posting this. But at least when a guy cheats he doesn't rip his children away from his partner in the process. Wouldn't it be fairer if she didn't only leave him but left the kids too?

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By *gnitemybodyWoman over a year ago

Onestepoutofthedoor

"It's funny how everyone has been so easy on a woman posting this. But at least when a guy cheats he doesn't rip his children away from his partner in the process. Wouldn't it be fairer if she didn't only leave him but left the kids too? "

Good point!

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By *aughtywifeandhimCouple over a year ago

bedford

I agree with others why not bring the subject of swinging up with your husband ,it worked for us we been together nearly 30 years and I was finding I was not getting the same thrill , I didn't want to cheat on my wife so I brought the subject up gradually we started slowly by her flashing sending pics to guys we then began meeting for soft then full ,our sex loge has increased 10 fold we have occasional solo meets but prefer clubs or party's for fun , we only meet 3/4 times a year as we don't want to over kill the fun , but you need a strong relationship and a lot of trust

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By *upcakegirl27 OP Woman over a year ago

Eastbourne

I know thats the hardest thing. But i known he wouldnt want them full time anyway.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

I know thats the hardest thing. But i known he wouldnt want them full time anyway. "

What do you think your kids want?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fuck someone else hotter. Worked for me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Obviously the only way to deal with this is to do it over and over again. I'm not busy? Honestly I'm not sure, if I were being cheated on I wouldn't want to know. The truth might be over rated and hurtful, but I would rather that than live a lie. Bit over dramatic I know.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Edit- if kids are involved I retract my statement, the truth would just potentially harm them. Potentially lose a parent, which is never fair.

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By *ay19720Man over a year ago

Ashford kent

I will not lie..its will be hard at first but intime will be ffine op...best of luck...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/07/17 15:15:44]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know thats the hardest thing. But i known he wouldnt want them full time anyway. "

Like that's going to happen when the woman is usually the primary carer...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know thats the hardest thing. But i known he wouldnt want them full time anyway.

Like that's going to happen when the woman is usually the primary carer...

Sometimes it does. I brought my son up...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know thats the hardest thing. But i known he wouldnt want them full time anyway.

Like that's going to happen when the woman is usually the primary carer...

Sometimes it does. I brought my son up..."

I'm generalising

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By *upcakegirl27 OP Woman over a year ago

Eastbourne

"Fuck someone else hotter. Worked for me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Cheats never prosper

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hi just tried to inbox you privately as gone through similar situation just recently. Message if you want always good to have someone to talk to without the criticism of others

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

"Cheats never prosper"

Tell that to Tom Brady

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wish you luck sister. Was in a simular situation in my past and it killed me seeing my girl hurting, and what I was putting her through by lieying. The truth hurt and it wasn't easy and every day I think about my actions, I lost her. Just have a think and make sure it's 100% what YOU think is right.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good point!"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not sure you ever really get over falling for someone who doesn't catch you. Each time it leaves you feeling like you arent good enough.

However, you're married to someone who believes you are. If you value that then I'd say nothing and work on whatever isn't right in your relationship that made you look elsewhere.

Don't break his heart needlessly.

I did come clean on everything the day my 4 year affair also ended. He had left his wife, though not for me!

I told my ex everything, every lie, every excuse I'd made for things.

Despite the fact our marriage was over already and we hated each other, I'll never forget the hurt in his eyes. It wasn't worth it and if anything it made me feel even worse.

To this day I maintain that I'm in the situations I'm in because of karma or because I don't deserve to be happy.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone "

This! It's truly awful when a person does that to you, and then proceeds to unburden themselves on you. I was seeing someone for years, then she suddenly ended it, turned out she had a one night stand with a workmate half her age, that knowledge alone damaged me, I then found she had taken to gangbangs with lads as young as her teen daughter, yes... she told me all about it. I have no words. I hate the woman with a vengance, yet I know it needn't have been this way. Even now, years later, I feel the pain.

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By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too."

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

WOW , if this was a married guy there would be a torrent of abuse . Yet having looking at most post its a sympathy vote all round . Nowt queer as folk

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman over a year ago

stourbridge area

"OP don't tell your husband.

I think you should put it behind you, appreciate what you could have lost. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Good luck

Exactly this ....

xx"

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

"WOW , if this was a married guy there would be a torrent of abuse . Yet having looking at most post its a sympathy vote all round . Nowt queer as folk "

Actually there's been a reasonable balance in the thread, imo

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair. "

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children "

Unhappy why? Because your husband beats you, cheats on you or is negligent - yes. Unhappy because of mundane problems that every couple face - grow up, take responsibility for your own decisions and work through it.

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By *inkyLondonpairCouple over a year ago

London

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Thing is two people can be desperately unhappy together even without any of the things you mention. People grow apart. Someone you loved at 25 can be someone you can't stand the sight of at 35. I am not convinced that staying together in that kind of toxic atmosphere is good for children.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"OP thanks for sharing. i see that you've only rejoined the site 2 weeks ago, so are you looking to meet someone else?

If so perhaps you need to be honest with your partner and yourself.

Good luck

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Nothing the OP has said would indicate a toxic environment that can't be resolved.

The negative effects of divorce on children are well documented and proven. I realise that the UK is one of the most individualistic cultures in the world and therefore 'personal responsibility' is a toxic notion, i just feel sorry for those children. I don't really understand why people voluntarily engage in a lifelong contract if they aren't serious about keeping it, the OP is 27 ffs.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would say take yourself off somewhere for a couple of hours and have a good,hard think about how you see your future.

Is your husband enough for you? If you have children how will they be affected?

Personally I think lies and secrets damage relationships whether they're revealed or not."

exactomento

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By *inkyLondonpairCouple over a year ago

London

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Nothing the OP has said would indicate a toxic environment that can't be resolved.

As you say we don't know the exact circumstances of the op, but I can't agree that staying together absent abuse, infidelity etc is always the best thing.

As for marriage, I think it's utterly unrealistic to thing that someone you want to be with at 25 will necessarily someone you want to be with at 65. Probably why I have never been married.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Judgmental much? I thought we'd moved on from the time when women could only divorce if she was a 'battered wife' or he was unfaithful.

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Judgmental much? I thought we'd moved on from the time when women could only divorce if she was a 'battered wife' or he was unfaithful. "

Yeah things are so much better now marriages are changed like cars

Do what you like anyway, just cut the crap about it being better for the kids than staying together

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I wouldn't tell him. It's horrible knowing your spouse has been having an affair. You feel sick and no matter how sorry they are you just can't look at them the same again. Even when your both sitting watching the tv your thinking omg I fuckin hate you. Have a serious word with yourself and pull yourself together....either leave or get on with it. You husband deserves that at least x"

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Nothing the OP has said would indicate a toxic environment that can't be resolved.

As you say we don't know the exact circumstances of the op, but I can't agree that staying together absent abuse, infidelity etc is always the best thing.

As for marriage, I think it's utterly unrealistic to thing that someone you want to be with at 25 will necessarily someone you want to be with at 65. Probably why I have never been married. "

I think the evidence shows that people's values change at a glacial pace, if at all. If you have the same values at 25, then chances are you still will at 65. That's the most important foundation. Unfortunately, most people marry for other reasons.

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By *ongtalljonMan over a year ago

North Wales

I've been in your husband's position of having been cheated on by his wife.

There's a big, big, massive difference between swinging and having an affair.

You won't like my answer to your questions, but you got yourself into this shit and it's your job to get yourself out of the shit.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am here if you need me .. I was a Samaritans for years .... I am here if you need me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

op no one here on fab is perfect no one . so don't be so hared on yourself.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can not mail you as out of your age range ,,, would be nice to chat x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"WOW , if this was a married guy there would be a torrent of abuse . Yet having looking at most post its a sympathy vote all round . Nowt queer as folk "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I've been in your husband's position of having been cheated on by his wife.

There's a big, big, massive difference between swinging and having an affair.

You won't like my answer to your questions, but you got yourself into this shit and it's your job to get yourself out of the shit.

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"WOW , if this was a married guy there would be a torrent of abuse . Yet having looking at most post its a sympathy vote all round . Nowt queer as folk "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

look tell the forum to f off and mail me you don't need the crap you need to sort this, And we can together,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Nothing the OP has said would indicate a toxic environment that can't be resolved.

Generally on here the advice dolled out is is to leave / divorce because it's the easy option. Who knows if kids suffer more or less especially if the atmoshere isn't "toxic"...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why people wether it be male or female have to cheat on their partners is beyond me if your not happy and you want out then do so before embarking on a relationship /fling that way you can live in relative happiness without causing hurt n pain

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

OP I have been there and happy now xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Look I cant be assed to even read your posts ............. WE LIVE AND LEARN and we change not because we are told to .

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

NO your posts there posts . x

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"NO your posts there posts . x "

Use reply and quote we will know who you're talking to.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"NO your posts there posts . x

Use reply and quote we will know who you're talking to."
I would like the op to mail me and take it out the forum . I am a Samaritan and if I can help I will.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"NO your posts there posts . x

Use reply and quote we will know who you're talking to.I would like the op to mail me and take it out the forum . I am a Samaritan and if I can help I will."

If the op wants to contact you privately they will. You've offered once, no need to do so again.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Judgmental much? I thought we'd moved on from the time when women could only divorce if she was a 'battered wife' or he was unfaithful.

Yeah things are so much better now marriages are changed like cars

Do what you like anyway, just cut the crap about it being better for the kids than staying together "

Yup....very judgemental. And women's lives are now so much worse now we can end a marriage. Must be sooooo easy pronouncing on someone's private life that you know nothing about. Do you have a Daily Mail subscription by any chance?

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By *y Favorite PornstarCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

There are lots of websites out there with advice.

You can break up and do so amicably.

It requires you both to work in the best interests of the kids and not trying to screw each other over for a small percentage.

Mediation can help. Mediators don't just help you stay together they can help you break up too.

The best interest of the kids would be to fix the marriage. The OP has given no indication of anything that is beyond repair.

I disagree . Staying in a situation where you are unhappy can have a detrimental affect on children

Judgmental much? I thought we'd moved on from the time when women could only divorce if she was a 'battered wife' or he was unfaithful.

Yeah things are so much better now marriages are changed like cars

Do what you like anyway, just cut the crap about it being better for the kids than staying together

Do you have a divorce by any chance?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I op had lots of lovers and been married over 25 years and i never told him of them all ........together from 18 he sill love me to bits xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Just leave him and let him be happy with someone else, it's the decent thing to do."

This. You obviously have zero respect for your husband. Leave him and let him find someone who does.

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By *icplshropsCouple over a year ago

Rock

It's amazing how topics such as these brings out the anger against one another.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I had one a while back and my partner found out. I'm glad she did and I admitted everything as it's made us better as a couple. Only you know how your hubby will respond so only you can make the decision. I look back and wonder what I was playing at, it was so stupid

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I feel bad for your husband, sure as hell not for you. You should have kept your damn legs closed."

Whoa. I think that some of you are being a little unfair and judgemental to be honest.

I realise that tensions run high, but I am sure that we are all capable, as adults, of having a sensible debate and get out point across without being insulting and hateful.

There isn't one person in this forum, this website or indeed further afield who can honestly say that they have not made a mistake, error of judgment or gone down the wrong path.

None of us are perfect, far from it, and when you make a mistake or do what you believe to be right at the time, you become a little clouded and it feels so good you don't want to stop.

We've all felt that euphoria or ecstasy that takes us away and before you know it, you are in too deep.

I will also say that the OP obviously had fairly serious marital issues to embark on the affair in the first place.

There will be people who say ok, then why didn't she leave her husband first? Life is complicated and not always black and white. It can be confusing and with respect, you don't know the OP personal circumstances to make that judgment. Only she knows that and I suspect that she is feeling guilty enough.

As many other people on the forum have said, she is young.....but how do you know that she has not been with her husband for 10 years? The person he/she was at 17 and very much in love, idealisticly thinking that they would spend the rest of their lives together, could be millions of miles away from where they are now.

She has already indicated that she no longer loves him. I admire that honesty. She can't be expected to remain in a loveless marriage where she is not happy for the sake of her husband (or children)

OP my advice would be to speak to your husband (your choice whether or not to tell him everything, sometimes the whole truth is not wise) and discuss things with him.

Only then can you decide on the best course of action and what is right for you both.

Good luck and all the best with whatever you decide. X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If this post was a man, the comments would be alot different.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If this post was a man, the comments would be alot different. "

Same applies, man or woman!

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By *orum TrollWoman over a year ago

•+• Access Denied •+•

"If this post was a man, the comments would be alot different. "

the people posting might be different.

i'm consistent with supportive replies to men or women.

i'd be more likely to post in topics done by either gender asking for support, didn't post in this one coz i have no experience or advice. but i never slag anyone off for cheating, even though i don't approve, coz what's the point of doing that in a topic that asks for support. shame helps nobody and can make things worse.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If this post was a man, the comments would be alot different. "

Not from me they wouldn't.

If they are different it's usually down to how the initial OP comes across, whether they start off blaming their OH for example.

She's asking for advice & has answered pleasantly throughout

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I feel bad for your husband, sure as hell not for you. You should have kept your damn legs closed.