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Introducion to domination/submission
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By *igharry OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester |
Hey guys,
Iv recently wanted to try more domination with my girlfriend so we bought an under bed restraint, thigh to wrist restraint and handcuffs. Now she previously had a dominant experience with a man that was too rough with her and she doesnt like forced bj, deepthroating, aggressive fingering spanking etc which im cool with because thats not really my thing either but we both want to explore this world in a less aggressive form. Now weve bought the equipment and tried it but it just really feels like normal sex.
Was just wondering if any doms and subs could advise on how to improve? Should i try set a mood or maybe more positions that you guys could suggest?
Thanks
Harry |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me when someone submits to me, they turn themselves over to me and trust that I will use my experience to bring pleasure to both of us. It is a chance for them to let go of worrying about how they look or what they have to do because that is all taken care of.
This doesn't mean of course that it's all one sided and I just reign supreme; we discuss their desires and their tastes, what they are interested in trying and things they positively want to avoid.
Without those kind of discussions you will be flying blind. Has she expressed any desire in anything in particular such as rope, wax, canes? Did she have any positive experiences with the previous guy that she'd like to explore.
A lot of questions from me but I do feel communication makes up a large percentage of what I do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also... when I started exploring I was in the gentle-dom category, no canes or whips or anything like that and a really lightweight flogger. There ars all brands of Ds and Subs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ANY slight fear would kill it, if she has had a bad experience.
So I agree. Have a long talk about boundaries. And even then, go easy to start with.
She'll soon say it if you're too gentle, and that's the way it should be! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey guys,
Iv recently wanted to try more domination with my girlfriend so we bought an under bed restraint, thigh to wrist restraint and handcuffs. Now she previously had a dominant experience with a man that was too rough with her and she doesnt like forced bj, deepthroating, aggressive fingering spanking etc which im cool with because thats not really my thing either but we both want to explore this world in a less aggressive form. Now weve bought the equipment and tried it but it just really feels like normal sex.
Was just wondering if any doms and subs could advise on how to improve? Should i try set a mood or maybe more positions that you guys could suggest?
Thanks
Harry"
Domination is just about tying up and spanking. The only bit of advise I can give is talk to her.
Get her to tell you what she would like..but perhaps do it as a task for her.
Tasks don't have to be sexualised in fact sometimes it's more of a turn on being stimulated mentally first.
Go slow take your time with her..she will soon tell you what she likes and what she doesn't.
But for goodness sake do not ever forget aftercare. This is and should be one of the most important things to remember. If it's not given it can have a detrimental affect not just on the submissive but the Dominant too.
Above all have fun. It is what is should be all about.
Good luck op.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Domination/submission (D/s) for us isn't a sexual thing, it can include sex but it isn't the basis of it.
As people have said talking is a good start, perhaps ask what fantasies she has, what movies, stories or previous experiences have led her to want to include D/s into your relationship.
Tasks can be good or perhaps adding a few rules to your relationship (Eye restrictions, only speak when spoken to, no sitting on the furniture) there are lots of simple ideas to test the D/s structure between you two and to build up the connection and trust.
Also remember, for a lot of D/s it isn't want you do, it is what you DON'T do that builds the excitement. Don't rush things when playing, take your time, let her mind race, let her try to imagine what you will do next, this is why blindfolds are so good, they cannot see what you are doing and so build all these ideas in theirs head. Remember she will be 100x better messing with her own mind that you ever can lol
I can remember something as simple as getting my submissive to strip naked and kneel before me and then I spent 5 mins just walking around her while taking 'notes' in my notepad. By the end of the 5 mins her mind had worked her into such a frenzy of fear, horniness and confusion that as soon as I touched her she fell to pieces.
Oh and perhaps if you live together have an item as a trigger between your normal selves and your D/s selves. Real life can get in the way of things and after cooking dinner, washing the pots, sorting the laundry it can be hard to get into the D/s roles. We have a play collar, when she puts it on she is then no longer my girlfriend, an employee, a mother, she can rid herself of all those labels and just be my submissive.
Hope that helps and have fun  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's something your just going to evolve at as a couple. We spent thousands on toys outfits and equipment but sometimes a roll of duct tape can be just as fun. Simply watch some stuff do some research find each others buttons and just be honest with each other what you like even if it's abit weird |
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Some good advice. We venture into this sometimes but always struggle with the "is it ok now or not?" - so top tip from above posters about having something, be it a collar or could be something more subtle like a watch or item of clothing maybe?
I guess it's the same as swinging. The more open you are with each other about your desires the better it becomes.
D |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some good advice. We venture into this sometimes but always struggle with the "is it ok now or not?" - so top tip from above posters about having something, be it a collar or could be something more subtle like a watch or item of clothing maybe?
I guess it's the same as swinging. The more open you are with each other about your desires the better it becomes.
D"
I wear a anklet with a key on and he his locked chastity cage. Public butt plugs can be fun too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"D I wear a anklet with a key on and he his locked chastity cage. Public butt plugs can be fun too"
Public butt plugs? Isn't that showing a little too much  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"D I wear a anklet with a key on and he his locked chastity cage. Public butt plugs can be fun too
Public butt plugs? Isn't that showing a little too much "
lol I ment wearing publicly. Like little dares/punishment. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"D I wear a anklet with a key on and he his locked chastity cage. Public butt plugs can be fun too
Public butt plugs? Isn't that showing a little too much lol I ment wearing publicly. Like little dares/punishment. "
I was imagining them wearing a spanking skirt down the highstreet with their jewelled butt plug sparkling for all to see |
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"Some good advice. We venture into this sometimes but always struggle with the "is it ok now or not?" - so top tip from above posters about having something, be it a collar or could be something more subtle like a watch or item of clothing maybe?
I guess it's the same as swinging. The more open you are with each other about your desires the better it becomes.
D I wear a anklet with a key on and he his locked chastity cage. Public butt plugs can be fun too"
I like the sound of that. |
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I'd recommend trying out one of the fetish clubs in London as I see you're based there sometimes. There's no pressure to play and they're great places for inspiration and learning. Drop me a PM if you're interested and would like some more specific suggestions.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's something your just going to evolve at as a couple. We spent thousands on toys outfits and equipment but sometimes a roll of duct tape can be just as fun. Simply watch some stuff do some research find each others buttons and just be honest with each other what you like even if it's abit weird"
You hit the nail right on the head here,
I was totally vanilla for most of my life, things changed when I met a sub woman, things ended but that side of me continued.
Apparently I do things as natural that I wouldn't consider to be dom that others would. Example using my thighs to grip and manipulate my partner into a certain position.
The rest of it has been a massive learning curve.
What I will say is, if at any point you have reservations or fears then stop, talk and rethink.
Sometimes the dom can be a lot more insecure than the sub "fact".
I've been to events and munches where I've found other dom guys to be pathetic. And then I've chattered to some who are totally cool.
There are no hard and fast rules and there are far too many labels within the kink. You just have to explore and learn together.
Regards |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have, only a few months ago, started experimenting with D/s. I will only ever do this with my partner as I would not trust anyone else; I would not want someone else to be even part of this, however slight
With him, when a couple of years ago, he tried 'breath-play', I freaked out and it took me over a year to suggest that we try again
It is frightening but exhilarating to submit my body and soul to him
However, this starts in the bedroom and stays in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom, we are equals
- Mrs. J - |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It sounds like you're talking more about topping and bottoming rather than domination and submission. One is about the acts, the other is about who has authority.
D/s isn't just about sex, or about sex at all for some people. For others S&M is completely sexual.
I'm a fairly heavy masochist and like sex with play but it isn't just about rough fucking. My interests are varied. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Aftercare isn't a must and isn't detrimental to anyone's health."
I think I would have to agree to disagree with you on that.
Having seen the effect some heavy play sessions have had on subs, they didn't know up from down, so the idea of just leaving them to fend for themselves would be both cruel and dangerous  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not everyone wants or needs aftercare. Imposing it on someone who doesn't want it is just as bad as someone who needs it not getting it. "
While I agree nothing should be forced, from a H&S point of view, what if the person suddenly 'drops', fainting or sudden low blood sugar can happen to people some time after the play, to just leave them to it could be quite dangerous whether they want the help or not.
At the very least I would have thought it would be best to make sure they are aware of their situation and circumstances, ensure they have access to fluids and that they have somewhere comfortable to allow them to return to 'normality', in their own time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not everyone wants or needs aftercare. Imposing it on someone who doesn't want it is just as bad as someone who needs it not getting it.
While I agree nothing should be forced, from a H&S point of view, what if the person suddenly 'drops', fainting or sudden low blood sugar can happen to people some time after the play, to just leave them to it could be quite dangerous whether they want the help or not.
At the very least I would have thought it would be best to make sure they are aware of their situation and circumstances, ensure they have access to fluids and that they have somewhere comfortable to allow them to return to 'normality', in their own time."
To me that is forcing aftercare on someone. If I'd said I wanted to be left alone after playing then that's what I'd expect to happen. I'm an adult, I know my own needs best. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Aftercare isn't a must and isn't detrimental to anyone's health.
 are you sure???"
Do you know of anyone who has had any form of psychological long lasting damage done to them from not receiving aftercare? I for one don't need it and don't care for it even after a heavy scene, I'm an adult and can take of my own emotional well being. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm an adult, I know my own needs best. "
"I'm an adult and can take care of my own emotional well being."
Fair point from both of you, each to their own |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not everyone wants or needs aftercare. Imposing it on someone who doesn't want it is just as bad as someone who needs it not getting it. "
we tend to be physically and mentally drained after a good session and sleep it off
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was coincdentally discussing the point of aftercare yesterday. Some people are happy with a slap on the ass and saying "Off you go".
However with some people if they have had a hard play scene they have to feel at the end that they were not a piece of meat and there was a genuine connection, or they have psychologicsl needs to help readjust to reality. Being an adult has nothing to do with it, it is individual.
Aftercare and checking in helps this process. Any good pre-scene negotiation will cover off aftercare requirements. BDSM is not a competition between those playing or others in the community. BDSM is not physically or mentally straightforward, it is an individual transaction in which a person is in the dominion of the other. As they say in the super hero movies "with great power comes great responsibility". |
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A very well written post. A lot of newbie Doms don't think about after care, i myself am happy with a hug and kiss from my Master after we have played but some friends we play with need more than that, everyone reacts differently.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you're talking more about topping and bottoming rather than domination and submission. One is about the acts, the other is about who has authority.
D/s isn't just about sex, or about sex at all for some people. For others S&M is completely sexual.
"
*Applauds*
The description of D/s as a set of activities is an annoyingly common misconception.
Being a good Top is underrated |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was coincdentally discussing the point of aftercare yesterday. Some people are happy with a slap on the ass and saying "Off you go".
However with some people if they have had a hard play scene they have to feel at the end that they were not a piece of meat and there was a genuine connection, or they have psychologicsl needs to help readjust to reality. Being an adult has nothing to do with it, it is individual.
Aftercare and checking in helps this process. Any good pre-scene negotiation will cover off aftercare requirements. BDSM is not a competition between those playing or others in the community. BDSM is not physically or mentally straightforward, it is an individual transaction in which a person is in the dominion of the other. As they say in the super hero movies "with great power comes great responsibility"."
If someone needs help readjusting to reality, then maybe a therapist, and not bdsm is for them, and yes being an adult has everything to do with it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oddly I've found I need more aftercare as a top than I've needed bottoming/submitting to my Master. My drop is far quicker when I've been topping. I am fairly new to topping though so that may change as I find my feet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was coincdentally discussing the point of aftercare yesterday. Some people are happy with a slap on the ass and saying "Off you go".
However with some people if they have had a hard play scene they have to feel at the end that they were not a piece of meat and there was a genuine connection, or they have psychologicsl needs to help readjust to reality. Being an adult has nothing to do with it, it is individual.
Aftercare and checking in helps this process. Any good pre-scene negotiation will cover off aftercare requirements. BDSM is not a competition between those playing or others in the community. BDSM is not physically or mentally straightforward, it is an individual transaction in which a person is in the dominion of the other. As they say in the super hero movies "with great power comes great responsibility".
If someone needs help readjusting to reality, then maybe a therapist, and not bdsm is for them, and yes being an adult has everything to do with it.
"
Totally agree and thank you for voicing this, it's not a game we play and it is not a bloody scene. This is life and I often wonder how many have issues that have pushed them in this direction.
Regards
Craig |
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By *irceWoman
over a year ago
Gloucester |
Totally out of my depth went ahead and met a dom guy, it evolved into roleplay and a coller, did not know what was going to happen next.
Great guy but it was not really for me , the journey was awesome tho, glad to of had the opportunity to experience the captivating awakening of the senses, gift from fab |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Very simple rule of thumb over the argument whether it's a requirement or not. Always be prepared to provide it. It's not rocket science."
Why should people always be prepared to provide it? This should be part of discussions before playing with someone, as to whether aftercare is required or not. It's not just the top's responsibility. And some tops aren't willing to provide aftercare but I don't have an issue with that so long as it's stated upfront. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Very simple rule of thumb over the argument whether it's a requirement or not. Always be prepared to provide it. It's not rocket science.
Why should people always be prepared to provide it? This should be part of discussions before playing with someone, as to whether aftercare is required or not. It's not just the top's responsibility. And some tops aren't willing to provide aftercare but I don't have an issue with that so long as it's stated upfront. "
Aftercare doesn't have to be structured or extensive as I'm sure you well know. I believe being prepared to support someone who may experience a sudden empotional surge is part of being human. |
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By *ucy. AlCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
"Aftercare isn't a must and isn't detrimental to anyone's health.
are you sure???
Do you know of anyone who has had any form of psychological long lasting damage done to them from not receiving aftercare? I for one don't need it and don't care for it even after a heavy scene, I'm an adult and can take of my own emotional well being."
This is an interesting point, we are married and we know each others limits and as such push them but at the same time pace any session D/s the sub has the control and sets the limits allowing the dom to play as they feel fit to within those agreed limits. After care between us doesn't exist as we know each other, there's no feeling guilty or animosity or fear between us. With someone else though this would be discussed to ensure that they are fully aware of their own needs so to speak. The sub has full control always as they are allowing. You give control (sub) and take power (dom)- always keep it it sane, safe and sensible and have fun is the best advice we can give |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We play hard, that isn't a brag just a fact, and sometimes after play k is unable to stand, talk or make any sense and so I take care of her until she is ready, because she expects me to do so.
From reading this thread I have learnt some people would prefer to be left in their own world to recover themselves, they neither want or need any assistance.
As with most things in life some people do, some people don't and it is up to them to decided, there is no rule. |
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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago
in the eye of the storm |
"D/s is in the mind, not the toys in the bag or hanging from the "futility" belt.
Its a melding of minds, not genitals"
well put fella
after care is all about reinforcing the bond in my world .
i would and do only top those i am physically and emotionally attracted to true D/s is far more than sex in my opinion .
i can see why those who view it purely as a sexual act devoid of emotions may feel they don't need aftercare or there is no need for aftercare .
i would never consider playing with a sub who said i don't need any form of aftercare and by default no warm contact inbetween meets on the ground of us being in compatible as human beings regardless of the fact we may enjoy the same sexual practises . I'm sure those who say no aftercare needed say so because to them its just a physical act and as a by product they are in my opinion nether topping or really submitting past the physical .
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By *eistreMan
over a year ago
London/Norfolk |
The thread does seemed to have wandered a little away from the OPs original point and into aftercare; which to be fair is to be discussed between those involved as part of the negotiations beforehand.
Our aftercare involves the wife getting up after our session and making me a cup of tea. .....topping afterall is hard work and I've have built up a dreadful thirst
To try and get this back onto the OPs question though, you need to talk with your partner to see what you both want from it all, you need to talk about your needs and hers, you need to plan what the 2 of you want and ignore anything given by others believing in the "one twoo way! " and for the 2 of you to decide what you'd like to do.
But this is not just about getting the cuffs and floggers out, donning the leather chaps and telling her to hold tight as you launch yourself off the roof of the wardrobe in your all-to-gether. ......its a state of mind, mental, not necessarily physical. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"D/s is in the mind, not the toys in the bag or hanging from the "futility" belt.
Its a melding of minds, not genitals
well put fella
after care is all about reinforcing the bond in my world .
i would and do only top those i am physically and emotionally attracted to true D/s is far more than sex in my opinion .
i can see why those who view it purely as a sexual act devoid of emotions may feel they don't need aftercare or there is no need for aftercare .
i would never consider playing with a sub who said i don't need any form of aftercare and by default no warm contact inbetween meets on the ground of us being in compatible as human beings regardless of the fact we may enjoy the same sexual practises . I'm sure those who say no aftercare needed say so because to them its just a physical act and as a by product they are in my opinion nether topping or really submitting past the physical .
"
There's no such thing as "true d/s" whatever happens in your relationship is "true" for you doesn't mean it is for everyone else. |
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"D/s is in the mind, not the toys in the bag or hanging from the "futility" belt.
Its a melding of minds, not genitals
There's no such thing as "true d/s" whatever happens in your relationship is "true" for you doesn't mean it is for everyone else."
Pretty much sums it up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Agreeing with my hubby. You do you and don't worry about how others do things.
Hubby and I class ourselves as M/s. Fairly certain we don't fit into any neat little boxes of what M/s "should" be but we couldn't give a shit. We're happy and that's all that matters |
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By *andsonjohnMan
over a year ago
in the eye of the storm |
"D/s is in the mind, not the toys in the bag or hanging from the "futility" belt.
Its a melding of minds, not genitals
well put fella
after care is all about reinforcing the bond in my world .
i would and do only top those i am physically and emotionally attracted to true D/s is far more than sex in my opinion .
i can see why those who view it purely as a sexual act devoid of emotions may feel they don't need aftercare or there is no need for aftercare .
i would never consider playing with a sub who said i don't need any form of aftercare and by default no warm contact inbetween meets on the ground of us being in compatible as human beings regardless of the fact we may enjoy the same sexual practises . I'm sure those who say no aftercare needed say so because to them its just a physical act and as a by product they are in my opinion nether topping or really submitting past the physical .
There's no such thing as "true d/s" whatever happens in your relationship is "true" for you doesn't mean it is for everyone else."
really so you think a professional top or sub i.e a paid service is true D/s no its fake a business transaction in my opinion ,
submitting just ones body with out ones mind and emotions is again fake in my opinion on grounds of it not being true submission as one is holding back .
again not true submission as one with holds to protect oneself or because one is using the other person purely for physical pleasure
who one doesn't really like past there skill at a sexual practise .again fake not true and as true D/s is a giving and taking of everything in my world again fake not real .
true d/s is a connection past the physical just like love is in my opinion plenty play at d/s but few risk it all by giving all . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"D/s is in the mind, not the toys in the bag or hanging from the "futility" belt.
Its a melding of minds, not genitals
well put fella
after care is all about reinforcing the bond in my world .
i would and do only top those i am physically and emotionally attracted to true D/s is far more than sex in my opinion .
i can see why those who view it purely as a sexual act devoid of emotions may feel they don't need aftercare or there is no need for aftercare .
i would never consider playing with a sub who said i don't need any form of aftercare and by default no warm contact inbetween meets on the ground of us being in compatible as human beings regardless of the fact we may enjoy the same sexual practises . I'm sure those who say no aftercare needed say so because to them its just a physical act and as a by product they are in my opinion nether topping or really submitting past the physical .
There's no such thing as "true d/s" whatever happens in your relationship is "true" for you doesn't mean it is for everyone else.
really so you think a professional top or sub i.e a paid service is true D/s no its fake a business transaction in my opinion ,
submitting just ones body with out ones mind and emotions is again fake in my opinion on grounds of it not being true submission as one is holding back .
again not true submission as one with holds to protect oneself or because one is using the other person purely for physical pleasure
who one doesn't really like past there skill at a sexual practise .again fake not true and as true D/s is a giving and taking of everything in my world again fake not real .
true d/s is a connection past the physical just like love is in my opinion plenty play at d/s but few risk it all by giving all ."
That's alot of words, and I didn't understand any of it, but hey you do you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" i would never consider playing with a sub who said i don't need any form of aftercare and by default no warm contact inbetween meets on the ground of us being in compatible as human beings regardless of the fact we may enjoy the same sexual practises . I'm sure those who say no aftercare needed say so because to them its just a physical act and as a by product they are in my opinion nether topping or really submitting past the physical "
I'm one of those who don't require a lot of aftercare. It's far more than a physical act for me, hubby and I have a 24/7 M/s dynamic and when we play we play hard. But I don't require a lot of aftercare and that does not mean I'm not truly submitting to him or that I'm a cold fish.
Some people need aftercare, some don't. It's something to discuss when negotiating play. If someone who doesn't want it would be incompatible with you then fine, it's something to add to your list of what makes someone incompatible. But please don't accuse everyone who doesn't need it of being purely in it for the physical and not a twue sub. M/s is the foundation of our relationship and our play is a small part of that. A measure of my obedience and submission is what's happened in other areas of our relationship, opening it up being just one example. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Anyone doing popcorn or should I put some on?
Erm a mix of salty and sweet for me please
 That's sick! Bloody weirdo's "
Neverrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! Tis the only way, sorry |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
I'm sub and into sensory deprivation and sensual play. Blindfold and earphones if you like them. It's more about being stimulated other ways. Nipple pumps or clamps, pinwheel, magic wand, etc.
Used to have a Dom and he'd experiment with me as i was new at the time. Discovered I like the smell of leather and wearing a collar. Being stroked with various gloves such as velvet can be divine whilst others can't stand it. It's about exploring. Orgasm control and forced orgasms may come in to your play. Kissing and hair pulling can send me weak at the knees with the right person.
Good luck. Read as much as you can and go to munches to discuss the life style with others. There are other sites for those with fetishes. |
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