FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > newly married but is wife signalling?
newly married but is wife signalling?
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"we have been together for 8 long years and finally tied the knot and got married. i live abroad for long spells of time and have always fantasised about wifey finding a FB. she found out i had maintained an account here and had couple of encounters which nearly ended our relationship. but somehow we survived. i always told her i wanted us to be part of the swinging scene but she never liked the idea. only after getting married recently when i raised the issue again in bed, she confirmed she might accept fucking me infront of another man. but cannot entertain him joining us. question is, is that a signal? can anyone help?" | |||
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"i understand what you mean by taking it at face value. but what i wanted to know if this will eventually translate into something better (for me it means fullscale swinging). " | |||
"not sure about being led, since i raised and after days of pestering i come to this. what u mean by be careful what i wish for? u mean she might enjoy others more? "I mean do not try to persuade a woman to do more than she is comfortable with or you may not like the outcome. Secondly, no I did not mean she would enjoy it more than with her partner I meant that you dont know how you will feel about it after the event, how it will affect your relationship or how you will feel about her having fun in your absence. All I am saying is tread carefully. No means no and a lady also has the right to change her mind. Mistress x | |||
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Hopefully when put like tgat you can see why even if she was ever to have wanted to, she won't be keen now.
Just my oppinion though...
Cheers
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""not sure about being led, since i raised and after days of pestering i come to this." Anyone else hear alarm bells when reading this? Dude, its just my opinion, but if you have cheated on her, still have an account on here and are "pestering" her about swinging, then I think you have problems in your relationship!!! Anyone is probably going to agree to something after "days" of nagging, and your partner agreeing to the possibility of letting someone else watch you sounds to me like she has picked the least distasteful option in order to keep you quiet, when in fact this has probably made it worse, as now you will want to make it happen, and pressure her to go further. If you need to ask this sort of advice off total strangers, then I believe you are heading for problems, the person you should be TALKING to (not pestering) is your partner. Again, just my opinion, but you did ask!!!" well said !! | |||
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"Well we never make either of us do any thing that we dont wanna do wich the OP we feel is trying to make his wife do wich is a complete self centred act on your behalf, it seems that she is sort of agreeing to the lesser just to make you happy but what abuot your wifes happyness have you thought bout that coz we get the feeling that so long as you get what you want you dont care how she feels so personally on the face ov what has been said we think that you are bullying your wife into stuff she dont wanna do which ultimatly will be tha catalist to your relationships down fall ,we just think that your totally wrong in making her do stuff she dont wanna its less ov a marrage and more of a dictatorship so u really need to get a grip and start thinking with your brain and not your cock and even moreso your wifes happyness .Selfish "And as we know that eventually all dictatorships get qushed and buried as will your marrage iff you keep the preassure on and we will put money on it  | |||
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"alarm bells are loud and clear here.....its blatantly obvious its something that she is not interested out of respect for your wife you need to look at the full picture not the rose tinted one you seem to have......" Too right, not to mention the poor bloke who'd feel horribly uncomfortable I've no doubt. | |||
"i understand what you mean by taking it at face value. but what i wanted to know if this will eventually translate into something better (for me it means fullscale swinging). " Why on earth would anyone here be able to tell you if it will lead to something 'better'.... only your wife wil;l be able to work out her limits. That may be her limit. That may be her compromise to try to keep you happy.... and to be honest.... if this is the case you need to think long and hard about it before doing it. If you are consantly aiming/hoping for something 'better' you need to remember this one thing..... people are like elastic bands.... they do stretch.... they do give.... but they also snap and leave a pretty nasty sting if you pull them too much. | |||
"we have been together for 8 long years and finally tied the knot and got married. i live abroad for long spells of time and have always fantasised about wifey finding a FB. she found out i had maintained an account here and had couple of encounters which nearly ended our relationship. but somehow we survived. i always told her i wanted us to be part of the swinging scene but she never liked the idea. only after getting married recently when i raised the issue again in bed, she confirmed she might accept fucking me infront of another man. but cannot entertain him joining us. question is, is that a signal? can anyone help?" to the OP Is it a signal- goddam right it is- it's a signal that you're a lucky bloke in that your wife is willing to tolerate something she has repeatedly said she has no interest in just to help satisfy your urges. She is clearly uncomfortable about the whole issue of swinging and you should respect that and not pursue it | |||
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"I dont understand why people here feel I am some sort of dictator pushing my wife into doing something she doesnt want to do. I had a feeling, that perhaps being married has brought about a degree of confidence in her which the reason she even expressed the interest in bringing someone to watch us. could we look at it that way? May be I am wrong. relationships do go through turmoils and sometimes they survive and come out stronger than ever. Had it not survived she wouldnt have married me in the first place. But she did. we are quick to draw upon the negative conclusions all the time it seems. Or am i being more positive than i should be? she knows i have this account and she knows i have not been meeting anyone for whatever that is since she objected. But I felt she now feels soemthing that she didnt feel before, and that is more confidence in her sexuality. was marriege the catalyst?" So rather than asking for consensus in here, try using your new found openness on the one who really does have the answer, your new wife ! | |||
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"i'm sure 70% of the married ladies here first said NO and joined fabswingers aat some point. that is not to say you force your lady into it. that could also mean eventually she also starts to entertain the idea and try and feel its in fact FUN!" yes and many thousands, hundreds of thousands more said No and are NOT on here.... you want it..... doesn't mean you are gonna get it... sorry......... | |||
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"we have had meets with woman who obviously dont want to be playingand just not tottaly into it and can assure you it aint a nice experience....seen it many times....u should never ever swing unless you are 100 % happy with it " agree with Jo... in a swingers clubs you can see them... the ones who do it for the other is clear to see... and thats both husbands and wives. | |||
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"i think you have to ask her straight you're not persuading her to the pub when she wants to go the cinema people have different ideas of what they want from a marriage, their partner, their life it sounds like you want one thing - to be able to openly swing (and if she wants to be a part of it then even better) it also sounds like you are willing to coax and cajole the person you loved enough to marry in order to get your own way. why not see things your wifes way and concentrate on enjoying your life with her or are you willing to lose her for a few choice encounters with strangers or swinging buddies ? i seriously, seriously think you should sit wife down and have a discussion with her but moreover i think you need to sit yourself down and ask what you want sometimes mate in order to keep what is truly important, you have just gotta look at the cake rather than eating it" very well said...here here | |||
"I dont understand why people here feel I am some sort of dictator pushing my wife into doing something she doesnt want to do. I had a feeling, that perhaps being married has brought about a degree of confidence in her which the reason she even expressed the interest in bringing someone to watch us. could we look at it that way? May be I am wrong. relationships do go through turmoils and sometimes they survive and come out stronger than ever. Had it not survived she wouldnt have married me in the first place. But she did. we are quick to draw upon the negative conclusions all the time it seems. Or am i being more positive than i should be? she knows i have this account and she knows i have not been meeting anyone for whatever that is since she objected. But I felt she now feels soemthing that she didnt feel before, and that is more confidence in her sexuality. was marriege the catalyst?" you risked your relationship once over this are you really will to risk it AGAIN and your marridge over it ? ask yourself what more important you getting your fantasy or being with your wife ? not everything thing she says or does is a sign shes wanting to swing . god forbid if she states shes going out to by undies youll think shes wanting a gang bang !!! pmsl ! youve made your wishes very clear and im sure if curiosity over comes her shed be the first to tell you !!! you should only need told once, asking again only shows youre being selfish and having no regard and respect of your wifes wishes . i can assure you had my hubby asked me about swinging and i said no then to bring it up again id chewed his balls off ...and no not in a good way . | |||
"i think you have to ask her straight you're not persuading her to the pub when she wants to go the cinema people have different ideas of what they want from a marriage, their partner, their life it sounds like you want one thing - to be able to openly swing (and if she wants to be a part of it then even better) it also sounds like you are willing to coax and cajole the person you loved enough to marry in order to get your own way. why not see things your wifes way and concentrate on enjoying your life with her or are you willing to lose her for a few choice encounters with strangers or swinging buddies ? i seriously, seriously think you should sit wife down and have a discussion with her but moreover i think you need to sit yourself down and ask what you want sometimes mate in order to keep what is truly important, you have just gotta look at the cake rather than eating it" yup like it | |||
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"I am not coercing her! asking and wanting to know if she is interested in a way that might help her to be understand it is not the scariest ride on earth, does NOT MEAN YOU ARE COERCING the person! i dont understand what gives everyone the idea i am pushing her for it! but anyway thanks for all of your well thought out advice. ta ta" you see ... that answer kinda proves you don't listen and absorb if you hear a reply you don't want to hear... let that absorb..... it is about you.... just you, no-one else but you.. | |||
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"looks like youve made up your mind from the off and just not getting the answer you wanted . funny thing about the forums people dont just post what you want to hear they post what they actually think ......" words....hitting nail and head comes to mind | |||
"i'm sure 70% of the married ladies here first said NO and joined fabswingers aat some point. that is not to say you force your lady into it. that could also mean eventually she also starts to entertain the idea and try and feel its in fact FUN!" That is frankly bull. You're just trying to justify your behaviour. | |||
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"good to see so many puritans" not a puritan... far from it actually. but I also try and respect others, value their opinion if i asked for it, try and not act like a spoilt child if i dont get my way.... then bleat about it and be rude.. as I say, good luck with your quest.. it will still be a no tho. | |||
"I am not coercing her! asking and wanting to know if she is interested in a way that might help her to be understand it is not the scariest ride on earth, does NOT MEAN YOU ARE COERCING the person! i dont understand what gives everyone the idea i am pushing her for it! but anyway thanks for all of your well thought out advice. ta ta" You ARE coercing her.... "pestering" her for "days" or words to that effect. you asked for advice, and others have given it. Unfortunately, because its not what you want to hear you have decided to ignore it. Let me break it down for you.... I'd hang on to that single male profile of yours if I were you, 'cos if you keep pushing her you will be able to use it with a clear concience!!!  | |||
"i'm sure 70% of the married ladies here first said NO and joined fabswingers aat some point. that is not to say you force your lady into it. that could also mean eventually she also starts to entertain the idea and try and feel its in fact FUN!" hmm 70%? Is this a scientific percentage or a number plucked out of thin air? I would think it more likely that everyone has a different story as to how they started swinging - and I also imagine the least likely is that their partner nagged them to do it. | |||
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"I've just read the OP's initial post a few times and I can't see where it says he is coercing, pestering or coaxing her." go further down the thread... | |||
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"i'm sure 70% of the married ladies here first said NO and joined fabswingers aat some point. that is not to say you force your lady into it. that could also mean eventually she also starts to entertain the idea and try and feel its in fact FUN!" What on earth are you basing that ridiculous assumption on? As another reply has already said all couples have there own story. One thing is for certain if (as this reads) you are assuming all couples swing because the man wants to and because men are the driving force then you really do not get it at all. Your posts as the thread evolve smack of desperation as the disappointment that the forum has not universally applauded your coercion or agreed that this is a good thing is tragic to read. Personally, I'd log off here and go buy a doormat because it appears that that is what you clearly really want in life. You say your wife knows about your profile, I hope she reads this thread and it is a wake up call to her. | |||
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"My wife and I are in contrast to OP. We went into this together, after talking and discussing together. We got into this really by discussing our "ultimate" fantasy, the ones that most take to the grave with them. We were lucky and shared the same ideas, but even then it was seeral years before we turned that into a reality. We went to Tease 2 club, probably because of that place, the people the atmosphere that we continue going.. We only started an account on here AFTER we had had our first experience.. To the OP, retrace your steps backwards, get on a level with your wife. Then talk about things, perhaps not just jumping in to the idea of swinging. Good luck" great advice | |||
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"I dont understand why people here feel I am some sort of dictator pushing my wife into doing something she doesnt want to do. I had a feeling, that perhaps being married has brought about a degree of confidence in her which the reason she even expressed the interest in bringing someone to watch us. could we look at it that way? May be I am wrong. relationships do go through turmoils and sometimes they survive and come out stronger than ever. Had it not survived she wouldnt have married me in the first place. But she did. we are quick to draw upon the negative conclusions all the time it seems. Or am i being more positive than i should be? she knows i have this account and she knows i have not been meeting anyone for whatever that is since she objected. But I felt she now feels soemthing that she didnt feel before, and that is more confidence in her sexuality. was marriege the catalyst?" Personally, I would be more worried that your communication isnt good enough that you can discuss these matters with her instead of strangers online. Swinging for a couple is all about good communication. If I were you that would be the first thing I would work on. Good luck. Mistress x | |||
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"well I am big enough to apologise to anyone on any thread that feels I may have 'pounced' on them.. so OP apologies if you feel that." I didn't mean you particularly, View, your posts are always well-thought out and balanced xxxxxxx I really just meant that any OP could feel defensive, faced with the weight of opposition from VARIOUS Forumites xxxxx | |||
"well I am big enough to apologise to anyone on any thread that feels I may have 'pounced' on them.. so OP apologies if you feel that. I didn't mean you particularly, View, your posts are always well-thought out and balanced xxxxxxx I really just meant that any OP could feel defensive, faced with the weight of opposition from VARIOUS Forumites xxxxx" no need .... honestly.. I am always the first to apologise if at any time I cross a line or may be perceived to have done so. but thank you for your kind messages xx | |||
"I've read this thread with interest, but haven't had time to post, until now. I can see that a lot of Forumites have 'pounced' on the OP and told him that he's doing wrong, but I would like to put the opposite point of _iew ('pounce' on me if you like - I have broad shoulders! LOL) I think some women do have fantasies about sex acts that can't be carried out within a monogamous marriage (I had exhibitionist and MMF fantasies since I was 16 years old, but I never told my husband). And I think it is possible that some women do change their mind, once they start exploring a less-than-conventional sexual lifestyle (I did!) (I dispute the 70% statistic, btw, but let's not get into that in this thread) The important thing for the OP to note is that ... becoming unconventional absolutely has to be your wife's choice! And if she chooses it, your role is to support her while she takes her time and takes 'baby steps'. It's quite possible that your wife has had her confidence knocked, if you've mentioned swinging to her a few times. I would therefore suggest that you don't mention it again for quite a few months - meanwhile, take the time to show her how much you love her, how beautiful you think she is, and how you want to be with her for the rest of your life. When she's feeling confident and secure in your marriage, then is the time to ask her about HER sexual fantasies. (PS, I like the fact that the first fantasy you mentioned is for HER to have sexual satisfaction, while you're away - so you're already thinking about her, not yourself). If you can get her to open up to you about HER sexual fantasies, then take a few weeks to investigate how you can help HER to realise them (don't produce it as 'here's the solution to your problem, dear' .... women hate that! Take time during those few weeks to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus! LOL). And to be honest, even without knowing her sexual fantasies, I would suggest that a Club environment is best, for your first encounter. If she'd like to be watched by one man, you can choose from 20/30/40 guys, and invite him into a private room (so much less pressure than picking one guy off Fab and inviting him to your home). If she wants to be watched by several people, chose a club which has a couples-only room with a window. If she just wants to wear her nicest basque and chat to admirers in the bar ..... you need to support her in that, and DO NOT PUSH for more until/unless she is ready! One final word of warning: a common saying in swinging is "The most enthusiastic partner may get a couple swinging but the least enthusiastic will keep them doing it." What this means is that one of the partners (usually the man!) will the move into the swinging scene and the other partner (most often the lady) will reluctantly acknowledge that this most private fantasy might be fun to try in real life. Then, the lady loves the attention, and wants to keep coming back. Whereas the man (who gets less attention) wants to stop. Be ready for this possibility, before you start! LOL Good luck, and whatever happens, I hope your marriage is happy xxx " I totally agree with this advice, talking to your wife is the most important thing other than keeping your marriage that is lol. Wish you all the best and remember let her take baby steps | |||
"well I am big enough to apologise to anyone on any thread that feels I may have 'pounced' on them.. so OP apologies if you feel that. ." No one " pounced " on the OP and told him he was wrong. They did however offer their opinion which happened to be opinions that are mostly the same. That is a different thing altogether. | |||
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"we have been together for 8 long years and finally tied the knot and got married. i live abroad for long spells of time and have always fantasised about wifey finding a FB. she found out i had maintained an account here and had couple of encounters which nearly ended our relationship. but somehow we survived. i always told her i wanted us to be part of the swinging scene but she never liked the idea. only after getting married recently when i raised the issue again in bed, she confirmed she might accept fucking me infront of another man. but cannot entertain him joining us. question is, is that a signal? can anyone help?" Oh please.... | |||
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