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What constitutes cheating?
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Two years ago my wife (who is older than me) completely lost her sex drive. When we had a frank discussion about this I told her that I felt extremely sexually frustrated. She told me to do something about it, which is why I am Fab. My point is this. If I am going to meet someone from this site I usually tell my wife that I am simply going out for a few hours. She accepts this and never asks questions, not even when she walked into my office (home-based) and caught me logged on to the site (I did shut the screen down but not quickly enough). Is this cheating or is this using my discretion? |
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Maybe your conversation wasn't quite 'frank' enough.
When she said 'go and do something about it' did she mean go have a wank? Or buy a toy? Or pay for an escort? Or have NSA sex with other women?
I accept she may not want to acknowledge or know what you're up to every time but you need to get the specifics in place. If you get the ground rules established from the outset then you needn't thrust your trysts in her face every time but you'll know you're not technically cheating as she will have sanctioned your actions in principle even if she doesn't want the details.
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
I would ask her to elaborate on what she meant by " do something about it" as she could well mean go do some DIY on yourself and not to go out and have sex with someone else.
But, I do have a friend who said more or less the same thing as your wife said, and she knows he goes off to meet a / lots of women for sex and turns a blind eye. As long as he doesn't rub her nose it in it, she doesn't comment.
Communicate with your wife, as it is impossible for us to know what she means if you don't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I was the wife, I'd class it as cheating. She didn't clarify the 'do something about it' comment and you didn't ask. I think you're taking a big risk and ultimately kidding yourself in my opinion |
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This is what I meant - it really only needs clarifying the once ... awkward though that may be.
Then you can just get on with it discretely and with sensitivity and tact.
Applying your interpretation to an ambiguous comment could lead to disaster. |
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"Two years ago my wife (who is older than me) completely lost her sex drive. When we had a frank discussion about this I told her that I felt extremely sexually frustrated. She told me to do something about it, which is why I am Fab. My point is this. If I am going to meet someone from this site I usually tell my wife that I am simply going out for a few hours. She accepts this and never asks questions, not even when she walked into my office (home-based) and caught me logged on to the site (I did shut the screen down but not quickly enough). Is this cheating or is this using my discretion? "
Jems law no.34 Dont ask for validation on internet forums.
Yes if you fuck someone without your wife knowing it is adultery...only you know if she is aware of your activities and turning a blind eye or being deceived.Or indeed deceiving herself.From your knowledge of her which do you think it is ?
If she really said look elsewhere,tell her you are,problem solved. |
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"Not sure,she probably suspects but seems to turn a blind eye, believe or not we are happily married in every other sense.
"
I think she knows or has an idea,and doesnt want to upset an otherwise happy marriage,so says nothing xx |
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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago
South West London / Surrey |
"I would ask her to elaborate on what she meant by " do something about it" as she could well mean go do some DIY on yourself and not to go out and have sex with someone else.
But, I do have a friend who said more or less the same thing as your wife said, and she knows he goes off to meet a / lots of women for sex and turns a blind eye. As long as he doesn't rub her nose it in it, she doesn't comment.
Communicate with your wife, as it is impossible for us to know what she means if you don't."
nods in agreement
Couldn't have put it better myself..so not going to try  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Agree with Ruggers.
And I think by asking the question and closing Fab down quickly when she walked in you probably realise you aren't doing the right thing.
Communication is the key here. Good luck with it. |
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"Your profile says looking for regular meets to.me that says u want a blatant affair if u was mine  well !!! x
I agree and on a personal level the more regular the meet without my partners involvement would possibly lead to more complicated problems than a lost libido  "
Exactly  |
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By *ibrosMan
over a year ago
harrow |
Sex is a basic part of any long term relationship. When it is absent the relationship is undermined. I'm not sure that regular meets have that kind of risk, when the sexual relationship with your long term partner is sound.
Couples remain together for any number of reasons. The OP knows better than anyone the nuances of communication with his spouse. Sure, clearly spelled out, with pictures and labels is less ambiguous, but may not be necessary or desired by either partner.
The OP's question asked if the situation he describes is cheating or discretion.
You already know the answer. If you need to ask us for validation, I suspect what you are doing is cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ain't being nosey or judgmental
But two things have occurred to me
1 Have you and your wife got to the bottom of her lack of sex drive??
2 If it were kinda suggested by ya wife that ya go look then surly she wouldn't mind you mentioning Fab then??
After all it would really be all above board and ok then wont it and you wouldn't have ta worry xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i think you have posted this question before.
maybe under a different name but i remember reading something very similar to this."
Many guys post attempting to validate being here without their wife. |
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By *ibrosMan
over a year ago
harrow |
"i think you have posted this question before.
maybe under a different name but i remember reading something very similar to this.
Many guys post attempting to validate being here without their wife. "
Agree! |
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"Not sure,she probably suspects but seems to turn a blind eye, believe or not we are happily married in every other sense.
"
Your discussion with your wife, in my opinion, was indeed not frank enough. When she told you to do something about it she may have meant leave the marriage, or go to theraphy or accompany her to the doctor... the list is endless. I suspect you know that this is cheating but are hoping that a flippant comment your wife once made during an argument is a get out of jail free card, which it isnt. Im not judging you, just answering your question.
Mistress x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Two years ago my wife (who is older than me) completely lost her sex drive. When we had a frank discussion about this I told her that I felt extremely sexually frustrated. She told me to do something about it, which is why I am Fab. My point is this. If I am going to meet someone from this site I usually tell my wife that I am simply going out for a few hours. She accepts this and never asks questions, not even when she walked into my office (home-based) and caught me logged on to the site (I did shut the screen down but not quickly enough). Is this cheating or is this using my discretion? "
of course you are cheating you have more or less admitting it to yourself by closing the lid of your laptop...at least have the guts to tell the poor woman what you are doing...i meen if the boot was on the other foot ....need i say more .yup you join the long que of cheats on here in afraid  |
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"Thank you asexymids2, my point exactly, neither of us willing to rock the boat simply because she has lost her libido which wasn't her fault (her mother went the same way at about the same age) xx"
Sorry but libido is not hereditary,she may have convinced herself this is normal because it happened to her mother,but there are solutions. |
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"Mr n Mrs Swing, lots and lots of peeps on this site say they are looking for regular meets, why are you so judgemental?"
Cos you asked for our judgement.
Married couples wanting regular meets is totally different to someone looking for an affair.Quite frankly there are sites for that and i wish adulterers would use them. |
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"Two years ago my wife (who is older than me) completely lost her sex drive. When we had a frank discussion about this I told her that I felt extremely sexually frustrated. She told me to do something about it, which is why I am Fab. My point is this. If I am going to meet someone from this site I usually tell my wife that I am simply going out for a few hours. She accepts this and never asks questions, not even when she walked into my office (home-based) and caught me logged on to the site (I did shut the screen down but not quickly enough). Is this cheating or is this using my discretion? "
I say fill ya boots with a clear concience . you say you approached your wife about this issue and her very off hand response suggests she has very little care about your needs or feelings and no wish to find a solution within the marriage. surely she is in breech of the marriage vows herslf . Do what you want , no one should have to defend their reasons for using this site . just concentrate on finding playmates who are more understanding of the situation and avoid the many holier than thou's on here. afterall everyone on this site wouldnt survive the scrutiny of the outside world if their lifestyle choices were held under the microscope . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i think you have posted this question before.
maybe under a different name but i remember reading something very similar to this."
Yep...it was definately him...!!! |
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"Mr n Mrs Swing, lots and lots of peeps on this site say they are looking for regular meets, why are you so judgemental?
Cos you asked for our judgement.
Married couples wanting regular meets is totally different to someone looking for an affair.Quite frankly there are sites for that and i wish adulterers would usevem."
exactly u asked our opinion that's mine pure and simple I see u as a cheat and feel sorry for your wife the reason we would never meet married men |
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I like to think that the op's wife is actually playing the same game. She hasn't gone off sex at all and is off meeting lovely, yummy younger guys a couple of times a week whilst hubby is out trying to get his rocks off! Poetic scenario! Z |
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"I like to think that the op's wife is actually playing the same game. She hasn't gone off sex at all and is off meeting lovely, yummy younger guys a couple of times a week whilst hubby is out trying to get his rocks off! Poetic scenario! Z"
Wouldnt make it right for her either! But it would be funny if they met each other in a club one week! |
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I say fill ya boots with a clear concience . you say you approached your wife about this issue and her very off hand response suggests she has very little care about your needs or feelings and no wish to find a solution within the marriage. surely she is in breech of the marriage vows herslf . Do what you want , no one should have to defend their reasons for using this site . just concentrate on finding playmates who are more understanding of the situation and avoid the many holier than thou's on here. afterall everyone on this site wouldnt survive the scrutiny of the outside world if their lifestyle choices were held under the microscope ."
oh i must of missed the bit in my marriage vows stating you must shag hubby everytime hes horny lol!
as for her taking lil care of ops needs and feelings ...how do you know ? you have no clue what was said and discussed and any background to this .we just have ops side of the story . what about his wifes feelings and needs? what if there medical reasons why his wifes lost interest in sex ?? the "vows" youve quoted do state in sickness and in health ...
point is we have little but ops version of events to go by and hardly enough to make such sweeping statements and assumptions .
by using the site to get his end away the op is only dealing with the symptons and not the cause of the problem . hed be best using his energies and time finding out why his wife has lost interest and his marriage.
he may find its a medical issue which then doctor can help with . if not he may find he doesnt make his wife feel wanted and sexy ,which is a huge thing for a women trust me ! thing is we dont know, but if hes does EVERYTHING he possible can and still theres the lack of sex issue he can either accept it or walk away with a clear conscience (if thats the deal breaker ). if the op and his wife decide openly and frankly that he can see a woman then she have no issues knowing he on the site or that hes organised a meet .which at present that honesty is missing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You cant beat the power of female intuition. You both love each other in a sexless marrige and she knows you have needs she proberbly already knows what goes on but would rather not discuss it. Talk to her though and if she is happy with this arrangement just dont flounce it front of her. |
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