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Moving On
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I was with my ex girlfriend for 10 years and we were very happy for most of this time. We did everything together and stayed friends after splitting up which was about a year ago so I really didn't feel like we had broken up.
Now she has moved in with a guy she has been seeing for a few months and I am heartbroken and devastated.
Truth is I made a huge mistake by letting her go but I don't know what I can do about this now (if anything).
I do hope she is happy but feel that if I get in touch now I will be putting any future reconciliation in jeopardy.
I would do anything to change the situation I am in but really don't know what to do for the best.
I do feel she is my soulmate but don't know if I have blown it.
Any sensible advise would be really welcomed. Not sure if I'm asking in the right place but I am clutching at straws at the minute. |
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If you want to keep the relationship as friends, I'd recommend a period of no contact. Just a few weeks to break the cycle and allow you both to be yourselves. As you say you never really broke up other than officially. Diving in right now could be catastrophic as she may see you as an ex out to ruin future relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She obviously doesn't feel the same way.
She's met someone else and whilst it may be soul destroying for you, she's obviously happy and moving on. Maybe do the decent thing and just leave her alone to get on with her life. |
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Thanks and whilst I am not out to break her relationship in any way whatsoever. I would try and get back with her if there was ever an opening. I am not thinking casual either as we were engaged and never got round to marriage.
I have texted a couple of weeks ago to tell her how I feel but she seems to be of the attitude that I had my chance and blew it (which is how I feel).
I think the main problem is she doesn't trust me not to hurt her again. |
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"She obviously doesn't feel the same way.
She's met someone else and whilst it may be soul destroying for you, she's obviously happy and moving on. Maybe do the decent thing and just leave her alone to get on with her life. "
That's what I am doing hence posting here and not talking to her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ten years is a long time to be with someone and call time.
So I'm sure she didn't end it on a whim. If that is her attitude, then I'm afraid there's not much to do but accept it, as hard as that may be.  |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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it's natural to feel like this after a break up, and seeing as you never felt like you'd broken up while still friends you've only now hit reality because she has moved on for sure and left you behind and is investing on someone else.
it's sad and you're bound to go through all the stages of grief. just go with them. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow. "
we've usually wasted quite some time trying to sort out relationship problems before moving on, so were ready to leave from the point we started nagging or complaining. |
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow. "
I'm pretty sure some women are shallow just like some men are.
Lots of men and women are bitter too. |
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Women cry first then get over it.
Men 'get over it' then begin to mourn weeks/months later
It's a well known psychological fact.
She's done her mourning. You just need to not contact her until you get over yours. If you love her be happy for her xxxx |
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"Thanks and whilst I am not out to break her relationship in any way whatsoever. I would try and get back with her if there was ever an opening. I am not thinking casual either as we were engaged and never got round to marriage.
I have texted a couple of weeks ago to tell her how I feel but she seems to be of the attitude that I had my chance and blew it (which is how I feel).
I think the main problem is she doesn't trust me not to hurt her again. "
You've had her feelings loud and clear, you blew it. What you feel now is regret, envy and a sense of loss.
Not getting round to getting married are hardly the actions of people who feel fully committed, if you got as far as getting engaged what stopped you?
The above might sound harsh but you don't need false hope. Resolve to move forward, allow her to live her new life and make one of your own. Learn from this.
Good luck I hope things improve.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow.
we've usually wasted quite some time trying to sort out relationship problems before moving on, so were ready to leave from the point we started nagging or complaining."
True, a lot of women will have tried to raise the issues way before it got to ending it. Usually a guy will just dismiss them as her being "silly" or "nagging" etc.
Then when the woman reaches that "enough's enough" moment, they have sorted out the emotional side, done their grieving and realise it's done and don't want to waste anymore time.
Also a big factor is why you split up, if it's because a partners been unfaithful, people get over that shit pretty quickly indeed. There are also people who have an uncanny ability to control their emotions like a switch (I'm one of those people) who love fiercely, but the moment we are wronged, it's like we never even knew too |
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I can tell you time really helps.I was with my ex for nearly six years and two months after we broke up he got engaged to someone else.It hurt at the time but I fell in love with someone who treats me like a princess.Please don't get in touch with her,I cut all ties with my ex and it really helped me.
Take care okay
Devil-lady |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She obviously doesn't feel the same way.
She's met someone else and whilst it may be soul destroying for you, she's obviously happy and moving on. Maybe do the decent thing and just leave her alone to get on with her life.
That's what I am doing hence posting here and not talking to her."
Its over
Shes found someone else
Wish her all the happiness in the world.
Forget her and move on with your life.  |
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Thing is she said to me that she was moving in with this guy for financial reasons and when I asked her if there was hope for us in the future she said who knows what the future brings. So she has not closed the door fully. I am willing to wait a while but truth is who knows what that while is. One day I know I'll just say bugger this I won't have her back so truth is I am hoping she decides that I was the one she wanted before that day comes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thing is she said to me that she was moving in with this guy for financial reasons and when I asked her if there was hope for us in the future she said who knows what the future brings. So she has not closed the door fully. I am willing to wait a while but truth is who knows what that while is. One day I know I'll just say bugger this I won't have her back so truth is I am hoping she decides that I was the one she wanted before that day comes."
People have given their advice on what they think you should do.
Whether you choose to listen is upto you ? |
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.  "
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch. "
Indeed, or she's manipulating your feelings incase it all goes wrong with new guy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thing is she said to me that she was moving in with this guy for financial reasons and when I asked her if there was hope for us in the future she said who knows what the future brings. So she has not closed the door fully. I am willing to wait a while but truth is who knows what that while is. One day I know I'll just say bugger this I won't have her back so truth is I am hoping she decides that I was the one she wanted before that day comes."
She's trying to let you down gently and you are clinging yo false hope |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet."
no matter what, it should be clear right now what she wants from you.
if you don't know where you are with her then you need to ask her outright, and stop fucking your own head.
if she doesn't let you know then fuck her off coz she's fucking with your head. |
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By *wo4FemCouple
over a year ago
Birmingham |
An ex is an ex for a reason. Don't know the reason you broke up but from your side you need to let go of the past and move on. Start looking ahead to the future. Maybe even picture yourself with a new partner. Failung that go play the field for a bit to get her out of your system. |
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet.
no matter what, it should be clear right now what she wants from you.
if you don't know where you are with her then you need to ask her outright, and stop fucking your own head.
if she doesn't let you know then fuck her off coz she's fucking with your head."
I absolutely get this but the people that knew us both all say wait because we were worth it. They all say this guy isn't right for her and this includes close members of her family. This is why I am staying under her radar but keeping an eye on proceedings too. I suppose we will see I need to make myself busy in the coming weeks I guess. |
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"Thing is she said to me that she was moving in with this guy for financial reasons and when I asked her if there was hope for us in the future she said who knows what the future brings. So she has not closed the door fully. I am willing to wait a while but truth is who knows what that while is. One day I know I'll just say bugger this I won't have her back so truth is I am hoping she decides that I was the one she wanted before that day comes.
She's trying to let you down gently and you are clinging yo false hope"
I agree with this.
If you were meant to be together you would be. If you were soul mates she would feel as you do. You aren't and she doesn't. For your own sake try to look forward not back. |
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet.
no matter what, it should be clear right now what she wants from you.
if you don't know where you are with her then you need to ask her outright, and stop fucking your own head.
if she doesn't let you know then fuck her off coz she's fucking with your head.
I absolutely get this but the people that knew us both all say wait because we were worth it. They all say this guy isn't right for her and this includes close members of her family. This is why I am staying under her radar but keeping an eye on proceedings too. I suppose we will see I need to make myself busy in the coming weeks I guess."
Yes but what is "she" saying? She's the only one who knows. |
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"Thing is she said to me that she was moving in with this guy for financial reasons and when I asked her if there was hope for us in the future she said who knows what the future brings. So she has not closed the door fully. I am willing to wait a while but truth is who knows what that while is. One day I know I'll just say bugger this I won't have her back so truth is I am hoping she decides that I was the one she wanted before that day comes.
She's trying to let you down gently and you are clinging yo false hope
I agree with this.
If you were meant to be together you would be. If you were soul mates she would feel as you do. You aren't and she doesn't. For your own sake try to look forward not back."
Thank you x
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet.
no matter what, it should be clear right now what she wants from you.
if you don't know where you are with her then you need to ask her outright, and stop fucking your own head.
if she doesn't let you know then fuck her off coz she's fucking with your head.
I absolutely get this but the people that knew us both all say wait because we were worth it. They all say this guy isn't right for her and this includes close members of her family. This is why I am staying under her radar but keeping an eye on proceedings too. I suppose we will see I need to make myself busy in the coming weeks I guess.
Yes but what is "she" saying? She's the only one who knows."
I guess she is and if I ask her right now I feel it will be a guaranteed no as everything is shiny and new. But I feel that if I am to ask in 2 or 3 months time when things might not look as rosy the answer will possibly be different. And tbh most of time we were very happy and had a fantastic life together. |
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By *orum TrollWoman
over a year ago
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"so she's using this guy for money and keeping you hanging? quite the catch.
Oh when you put it like that maybe I should reassess things lol.
Truth is I haven't got a clue what arrangement she has with this guy. It might be mutually financially beneficial but I do know they are in a relationship. I guess I'm just in mourning at the minute and thinking of what I could/should have done when I had the chance. Probably how most blokes do things but doesn't make it any less painful. And I am certainly not ready to give up hope of a reconciliation just yet.
no matter what, it should be clear right now what she wants from you.
if you don't know where you are with her then you need to ask her outright, and stop fucking your own head.
if she doesn't let you know then fuck her off coz she's fucking with your head.
I absolutely get this but the people that knew us both all say wait because we were worth it. They all say this guy isn't right for her and this includes close members of her family. This is why I am staying under her radar but keeping an eye on proceedings too. I suppose we will see I need to make myself busy in the coming weeks I guess."
they're also helping you mess with your own head.
i know the future is uncertain, no-one is psychic, but if someone gets with someone else this usually means they really aren't interested in being with you at that time.
if you wanna wait for her then fine, do that. it's not what i'd advise really but it's your life and you seem like you'll do that anyway. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
If she wanted to stay with you she would, If it was a fleeting romance with this guy it would have been over by now. She would have talked things through with you. There is no point holding onto ties that will drag you down. She has moved on, so staying in contact and believing she is somehow uncomfortable is only going to have you stay in a relationship you no longer have. 10yrs will take a long time to get over, so best get some hobbies and some leisure activities or you'll be mulling over what could have been instead of moving on like she obviously has. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I had to look at the OP's age.
As I thought it was a young boy in his teens posting?
Ok mate but we all have good and bad times where logic fails us whatever age we are"
I know its hard to accept it over and try to clutch onto any slim glimmer of a chance you may get back together and that her new relationship is a crock of shit and will fail etc etc.
But you need to face ghe truth pal !
Its over and you need to move on with your life.
Get out with your friends get out on some dates with new people.
Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes you have to just draw a line under it and move on. She has and if you just spend your time pining for her, you're stuck. You may always love her in some way but you must have split for a reason. |
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow. "
That's a sweeping statement that I definitely wouldn't agree with.
We don't know how the break up happened, but can be upsetting for both sides.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow.
What a pile of crap! "
definitely disagree with the first quote just because someone gets over something and moves on quicker makes them shallow. Bull@@$t or I'd be the most shallow person on the planet, as I look at it no point dwelling on the past, life's too short to waste it think what could or might have been move on and enjoy every day having fun and smile  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow. "
I think your post and your user name says alot about the type of guy you are |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow.
I think your post and your user name says alot about the type of guy you are "
agreed mate |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Statistically more women end long term relationships than men, and in those cases I can guarantee she will have done her mourning for the relationship before it even ended. I agree with many of the previous posters, if the relationship was as good as it seems in hindsight a) why get engaged but not married and b) why not work harder through the tough times at the time? I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but sometimes you can look back with rose tinted glasses. Ditto to the ending a 10yr long relationship not being ended on a whim, plus you've already said she "doesn't want to get hurt by you again". She's mentally moved on I'm afraid.
I was the one to end the 15yr relationship with my husband. After years of me trying to build bridges between us, I finally had enough and guess what? He *then* wanted to try  most people don't fall out of love quickly, but if you mentally just don't want to be with that person anymore because of xyz, feelings aren't enough. We're still on friendly terms, and I hope he finds happiness, but would I have him back? Fuck no!!!! From the sounds of it your ex has been very clear in turning you down, but trying to do it in a kind way because after 10yrs together she's still fond of you.... sure, no one can see into the future, but not listening to what she's saying, and showing you with her actions, is not going to do you any good.
Think of it from a different perspective. Think of it as the consent guidelines. If you wanted to have sex with her and her answers range from "no", to "who knows what the future will bring"....she's still saying no. My advice would be to respect her decision. Sorry dude. |
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By *obletonMan
over a year ago
A Home Among The Woodland Creatures |
I was in a similar boat recently - pulled the plug on a 3.5 year relationship about 4 months ago.
We are part of the same circle of friends and neither of us wanted to drive a wedge into that so we kept things light and friendly.
Which on reflection, probably didn't help.
I had an inkling she'd been dating since the breakup but I had the bomb dropped on me one friday pub evening a few weeks back when she walked in with her not-so-new boyfriend of 2 months.
It came as a complete surprise she'd moved on so completely and I was utterly and completely crushed.
Big sister came to the rescue with some sage advice and a quote from a 19th century french book.
"Then you reach the final torment: utter despair poisoned still further by a shred of hope." (Stendhal)
Despite the fact that it was me that had pulled the plug, and despite the fact that our last 9 months or so together had been a total shitshow - I was still carrying a poisonous and irrational shred of hope that things might turn out ok.
Looking back, it was exactly the kick up the arse I needed.
I put my game face on, pulled up my big boy pants and started the process of moving on that I should have begun months ago.
Perhaps it might help if you look at it that way too.
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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago
in the suffolk countryside |
"Women seem to "get over it" and "move on" a lot easier than men do. Which suggests that maybe women are shallow.
we've usually wasted quite some time trying to sort out relationship problems before moving on, so were ready to leave from the point we started nagging or complaining."
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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago
in the suffolk countryside |
is this a bigger life lesson for you op, it seemed you were a commitaphobe. im not being mean..but she waited for you and now she has found someone with whom she doesnt haveto wait..
men do cut deep and they hurt, dont let this shut you down to other women and make you more closed, you want to learn from this a thrive, not live in regret over someone, shutting all others out in the future.
be gentle with you and focus on yourself for a while. process yes, but but dont wallow and get lost in the pastxx |
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