FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > husband confused
husband confused
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So after prob 8 years of us swinging and meeting tvs men and women together and seperatly ....hubby and i have had a right row and he said why do i want to do this and why wasnt he enough...why do i feel the need to go elsewhere for sex.
he has done it too but is now saying that he just does it for me.
so the question im asking is why do people do it? My answer was because it makes me feel good i love sex and variety but apparently thats not a good enough answer .....arggghhhhhhhhh |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes row about this ....its fine we he goes for a meet but if i do he suddenly feels self concioua and that hes not good enough ....to ne honest just thinking about binning it all but i do love sex and swimging but he said thats not a good enough answer to.make him understand why i want to do it ....what else can i say??? That is why people swing isnt it?:lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes row about this ....its fine we he goes for a meet but if i do he suddenly feels self concioua and that hes not good enough ....to ne honest just thinking about binning it all but i do love sex and swimging but he said thats not a good enough answer to.make him understand why i want to do it ....what else can i say??? That is why people swing isnt it?:lol"
You're ignoring the fact he is insecure and you need to address that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it"
Maybe it's time to hang up the swinging boots?? For a while anyway. See how things go then. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it"
What he's saying is he wants to stop swinging.
Its something you need to sit down and discuss. Not put on the forum. All the different perspectives will just add to the conflict. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
Maybe it's time to hang up the swinging boots?? For a while anyway. See how things go then. "
Redunicorn why are you in Ireland and not nearer to me?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
What he's saying is he wants to stop swinging.
Its something you need to sit down and discuss. Not put on the forum. All the different perspectives will just add to the conflict."
he also needs to stop sleeping with other women too.... she said hes ok when he has meets. I agree op stop swinging and talk it through so you both understand each others expectations. Something has changed since hes put the 'brakes on' you swinging .. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
Maybe it's time to hang up the swinging boots?? For a while anyway. See how things go then.
Redunicorn why are you in Ireland and not nearer to me? "
Because Unicorns live in the land of the Leprechauns.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes row about this ....its fine we he goes for a meet but if i do he suddenly feels self concioua and that hes not good enough ....to ne honest just thinking about binning it all but i do love sex and swimging but he said thats not a good enough answer to.make him understand why i want to do it ....what else can i say??? That is why people swing isnt it?:lol
You're ignoring the fact he is insecure and you need to address that. "
This... anyone no matter how long they have been swinging can feel insecure and once its there it is the worst feeling. It might be simple to you but obviously he ia feeling awful... concentrate on it together.. swinging is an extra... so sort the insecurities first |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like hubby needs reassurance that swinging is not what is holding your relationship together.
If my fella said he'd had enough we would stop immediately, not go back and forth explaining our reasons for doing it.
Swinging should be the cherry on top of the cake not the filling |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do hope that you're going to step back from swinging and focus on your marriage. Your husband isn't happy. Surely that needs to be your priority. You need to stop swinging, sit down and talk, and go from there. |
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Whilst I don't see the need to argue, why not flip it.
If it was the wife who had had a change of heart and said hubby can we take a break from swinging as I'm feeling insecure and I'd like so us time to reconnect?
Would that be an unreasonable request of the person you married?
Now if he is saying can you stop solo meets whilst I carry on that is a different discussion.
There could be all kinds of reasons for his change of heart. But surely a husband and wife should try to cooperate, otherwise why get married?
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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
Lets put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine him going to a meet and it made you question your relationship. Would you expect him to stop immediately?
Your relationship with each other should be the priority here. Not your reasons. Not his apparent sudden change of heart either.
Hide the profile. Cut contact with this part of your life and focus on each other.
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By *oletiCouple
over a year ago
Doncaster |
Maybe you both swing for different reasons? We swing to heighten our already great sex life not instead of. We see it as a treat we indulge in occasionally. That being said we discuss our feelings at all times and if one of us is feeling unhappy we discuss it and we stop if need be.
Maybe he feels you are replacing your sex life together with other people and he retaliates by meeting himself?
Your marriage is the most important thing here, so maybe concentrate on your huaband for a while? |
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"Yes row about this ....its fine we he goes for a meet but if i do he suddenly feels self concioua and that hes not good enough ....to ne honest just thinking about binning it all but i do love sex and swimging but he said thats not a good enough answer to.make him understand why i want to do it ....what else can i say??? That is why people swing isnt it?:lol"
In terms of what more can you say: not that I've heard everything, only the little repeated here, but simply saying you love sex and swinging isn't enough detail. If you love sex, why not just him? And loving swinging - well that's circular.
You could try to express what it is you don't get from him that you get from swinging - concentrating on those things that don't imply any lack from him, but show how your nature (maybe human nature) is such that there is always some desire that can't be quenched by a regular partner. (See 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel.)
Maybe with the right words and actions, you can make him feel special and still swing. (Or maybe others are right, and you'll need to have a break.) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
What he's saying is he wants to stop swinging.
Its something you need to sit down and discuss. Not put on the forum. All the different perspectives will just add to the conflict. he also needs to stop sleeping with other women too.... she said hes ok when he has meets. I agree op stop swinging and talk it through so you both understand each others expectations. Something has changed since hes put the 'brakes on' you swinging .."
Yes im aware of that. Just didnt feel a need to bring it all up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I do hope that you're going to step back from swinging and focus on your marriage. Your husband isn't happy. Surely that needs to be your priority. You need to stop swinging, sit down and talk, and go from there."
Exactly this.  |
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Op your hubby isnt happy and you need to sit down and address why that is.
Do you both only swing as individuals if do why? (Maybe this is the problem).
Perhaps if you were swinging as a couple he wouldnt feel so insecure just a thought.
The main thing is this should be discussed with hubby and not through questining other members and looking for back up to support your needs.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dynamics change
People change
You need to find a compromise that works for both
Your relationship is more important than swinging (I assume)
So work on that as a priority |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Op your hubby isnt happy and you need to sit down and address why that is.
Do you both only swing as individuals if do why? (Maybe this is the problem).
Perhaps if you were swinging as a couple he wouldnt feel so insecure just a thought.
The main thing is this should be discussed with hubby and not through questining other members and looking for back up to support your needs.
"
Completely agree. |
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By *ea_CoffeeCouple
over a year ago
Near Kettering |
I have heard people say that when a couple start swinging its usually the male half that is the driving force behind the swinging activities.
After a few months years of living the lifestyle the roles tend to flip and as the ladies confidence starts to grow they take a more active role and sometimes even control over organising things.
It is not too inconceivable that under those circumstances the male part of the couple might start to feel insecure about their partners new attitude to swinging and become a little insecure about it.
I wonder if thats part of what could be happening here.
I could also be talking absolute bollocks aswell
Either way nothing is more important than your relationship. Take a break, reconnect with him, reassure him that you value him and your marriage over everything else and see what happens.
It doesn't have to mean an end to swinging, it could just be that a short break will get you both back on track.
Good luck OP. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have heard people say that when a couple start swinging its usually the male half that is the driving force behind the swinging activities.
After a few months years of living the lifestyle the roles tend to flip and as the ladies confidence starts to grow they take a more active role and sometimes even control over organising things.
It is not too inconceivable that under those circumstances the male part of the couple might start to feel insecure about their partners new attitude to swinging and become a little insecure about it.
I wonder if thats part of what could be happening here.
I could also be talking absolute bollocks aswell
Either way nothing is more important than your relationship. Take a break, reconnect with him, reassure him that you value him and your marriage over everything else and see what happens.
It doesn't have to mean an end to swinging, it could just be that a short break will get you both back on track.
Good luck OP."
Sensible advice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have heard people say that when a couple start swinging its usually the male half that is the driving force behind the swinging activities.
After a few months years of living the lifestyle the roles tend to flip and as the ladies confidence starts to grow they take a more active role and sometimes even control over organising things.
It is not too inconceivable that under those circumstances the male part of the couple might start to feel insecure about their partners new attitude to swinging and become a little insecure about it.
I wonder if thats part of what could be happening here.
I could also be talking absolute bollocks aswell
Either way nothing is more important than your relationship. Take a break, reconnect with him, reassure him that you value him and your marriage over everything else and see what happens.
It doesn't have to mean an end to swinging, it could just be that a short break will get you both back on track.
Good luck OP.
Sensible advice. "
good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have heard people say that when a couple start swinging its usually the male half that is the driving force behind the swinging activities.
After a few months years of living the lifestyle the roles tend to flip and as the ladies confidence starts to grow they take a more active role and sometimes even control over organising things.
It is not too inconceivable that under those circumstances the male part of the couple might start to feel insecure about their partners new attitude to swinging and become a little insecure about it.
I wonder if thats part of what could be happening here.
I could also be talking absolute bollocks aswell
Either way nothing is more important than your relationship. Take a break, reconnect with him, reassure him that you value him and your marriage over everything else and see what happens.
It doesn't have to mean an end to swinging, it could just be that a short break will get you both back on track.
Good luck OP."
All valid, except it's been 8 years swinging, not a few months. |
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By *ilk_TreMan
over a year ago
Wherever the party is! |
"So after prob 8 years of us swinging and meeting tvs men and women together and seperatly ....hubby and i have had a right row and he said why do i want to do this and why wasnt he enough...why do i feel the need to go elsewhere for sex.
he has done it too but is now saying that he just does it for me.
so the question im asking is why do people do it? My answer was because it makes me feel good i love sex and variety but apparently thats not a good enough answer .....arggghhhhhhhhh"
Look on the bright side.
After shagging tons of women, he feels like YOU'RE the only one he needs?
I know how that would make ME feel...  |
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
What he's saying is he wants to stop swinging.
Its something you need to sit down and discuss. Not put on the forum. All the different perspectives will just add to the conflict."
I agree.
He's insecure about your relationship for reasons none of us can know. He's the one you should be talking to not us. You're not only seeking sex with other people but discussing your relationship outside of your marriage he's probably sensing emotional detachment on your part too.
Step away from fab and concentrate on your relationship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your priorities appear to be a little awry, unless your marriage is less important than swinging."
There's nothing wrong with prioritising swinging over your marriage if swinging brings you more joy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop. "
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop.
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible."
then they stop..  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop.
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible.
then they stop.. "
Why should he gets what he wants and not her?
Surely what she wants is important too? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop.
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible.
then they stop..
Why should he gets what he wants and not her?
Surely what she wants is important too?"
because swinging is an extra.. and should never be more important than each other. |
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By *exysuzi and Mr.SCouple
over a year ago
CONISTON .Stoke Suburbia. Staffs. BARMOUTH. The Lakes (Monthly) |
In my opinion, and this is only my opinion.
You both need to talk this through as a couple. Even if that is by means of arguing, at least it's communication. Swinging is as complicated for couples as it is for singles, in fact, probably more so. Boundaries get broken in the thrill of the moment. Sometimes the OH gets left out, which is a devastating, demoralising, painful situation. Hammer out what you both want from the game now.
Why not close your singles accounts. Take time out to concentrate on each other. Then possibly, meet people together through your couples account, presuming you have one, I don't know that of course.
Take care and I hope you both find your happiness together. Xxxxx Suzi |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop.
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible.
then they stop..
Why should he gets what he wants and not her?
Surely what she wants is important too? because swinging is an extra.. and should never be more important than each other."
Unless, of course, you discover through the course of swinging that you are just not a monogamous person.
In that case, your lifestyle will be fundamentally incompatible with your monogamous partner.
My multiple partner lifestyle is more important than any of my sexual partners. If one of them told me to go monogamous, I'd just let them head off their own way and do their own thing.
And that's ok. Relationships can end amicably if you both start to have different desires in life. People are allowed to go their own separate ways. You shouldn't be a slave to a promise and a contract. Nobody should put a promise and a contract above their own happiness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my opinion, and this is only my opinion.
You both need to talk this through as a couple. Even if that is by means of arguing, at least it's communication. Swinging is as complicated for couples as it is for singles, in fact, probably more so. Boundaries get broken in the thrill of the moment. Sometimes the OH gets left out, which is a devastating, demoralising, painful situation. Hammer out what you both want from the game now.
Why not close your singles accounts. Take time out to concentrate on each other. Then possibly, meet people together through your couples account, presuming you have one, I don't know that of course.
Take care and I hope you both find your happiness together. Xxxxx Suzi "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So after prob 8 years of us swinging and meeting tvs men and women together and seperatly ....hubby and i have had a right row and he said why do i want to do this and why wasnt he enough...why do i feel the need to go elsewhere for sex.
he has done it too but is now saying that he just does it for me.
so the question im asking is why do people do it? My answer was because it makes me feel good i love sex and variety but apparently thats not a good enough answer .....arggghhhhhhhhh"
i know exactly how your partner feels. Ive been feeling it because the subject of playing seperately has been discussed... but even though because I am unhappy about it we havent gone any further with it.. I still feel very demoralised about it and like your partner I feel rejected and not good enough.
We used to when we met play seperately too.. but over time we just didn't... I adore playing together and only have this issue with playing apart.
But we keep talking and seeing if we can work it out and he has been amazingly supportive.. which helps |
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Sorry OP but this may not be as new a phenomonen as you think. I have seen people obviously unhappy as their blissfully unaware partners have the time of their lives.
Why not say something?
Because they do not want, for a range of reasons, to spoil their partners fun.
If the OP's partner thinks that he is not enough for her, her choosing him over swinging sex is not that simple. He will from her past behaviour, "know" nothing has changed and he is still not enough. His belief in his role will need rebuilding and BTW that does not mean a series of "Harry met Sally" orgasms.
Good luck on whatever path you choose |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your priorities appear to be a little awry, unless your marriage is less important than swinging.
There's nothing wrong with prioritising swinging over your marriage if swinging brings you more joy."
Sure, so long as you are honest with your spouse about where they stand. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your priorities appear to be a little awry, unless your marriage is less important than swinging.
There's nothing wrong with prioritising swinging over your marriage if swinging brings you more joy.
Sure, so long as you are honest with your spouse about where they stand."
Yes, that's crucial.
You need to give them the choice, and let them choose if they want to stay or go.
That's what I did when I decided I didn't want to be monogamous anymore. I gave my partner the choice. He chose to go - and that's ok. I don't begrudge him that at all. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Op your hubby isnt happy and you need to sit down and address why that is.
Do you both only swing as individuals if do why? (Maybe this is the problem).
Perhaps if you were swinging as a couple he wouldnt feel so insecure just a thought.
The main thing is this should be discussed with hubby and not through questining other members and looking for back up to support your needs.
"
not looking for back up thankyou!!! Why bother commenting |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
Maybe it's time to hang up the swinging boots?? For a while anyway. See how things go then.
Redunicorn why are you in Ireland and not nearer to me?
Because Unicorns live in the land of the Leprechauns. "
......I used to be a werewolf but I am all right nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Look around you in Britain and everything is urging you to retreat from the world into your own private family castle. Indeed, you only need drive out beyond the suburbs to see this is our vision of success; being rich enough to buy a big enough place far enough from the world so you never have the bother of making any more friends. Lol that reminds me... How many times in the UK do you hear people saying they haven't got enough time for more friends.
Go somewhere else in the world and you realise it doesn't need to be this way. There are places where people are more welcoming and never have too many friends. We just don't think the British way is very healthy. We prefer to be more outward looking, affectionate and inclusive. That's why we swing |
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"Op your hubby isnt happy and you need to sit down and address why that is.
Do you both only swing as individuals if do why? (Maybe this is the problem).
Perhaps if you were swinging as a couple he wouldnt feel so insecure just a thought.
The main thing is this should be discussed with hubby and not through questining other members and looking for back up to support your needs.
not looking for back up thankyou!!! Why bother commenting"
because you started a post on an open forum and wether you like it I and many others are free to pass comment .
Good luck whatever you decide to do |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive asked him and he said he doesnt feel that hes enough for me .......we have good sex so cant get him to see that i dont do this because hes not enough i do it cause i enjoy it
Maybe it's time to hang up the swinging boots?? For a while anyway. See how things go then. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm afraid OP that whilst you've raised this on the Forum the answers have mainly come back about reconnecting with your husband as a couple without the swinging being an element.
I think you were looking for reassurance that you're doing nothing that you haven't always done so what's the problem?
Your husband maybe perceives that he's losing you to the thing that you started to enhance your relationship. He thinks that swinging has become more important to you than your marriage.
If giving up swinging isn't an automatic thing then you (not him) have a more serious issue than you think you had when you raised the point. |
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"I'm afraid OP that whilst you've raised this on the Forum the answers have mainly come back about reconnecting with your husband as a couple without the swinging being an element.
I think you were looking for reassurance that you're doing nothing that you haven't always done so what's the problem?
Your husband maybe perceives that he's losing you to the thing that you started to enhance your relationship. He thinks that swinging has become more important to you than your marriage.
If giving up swinging isn't an automatic thing then you (not him) have a more serious issue than you think you had when you raised the point. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You might just be incompatible. why say that. Surely if he is feeling insecure then they stop.
If she wants to continue, and if he wants to stop, then they might be incompatible.
then they stop..
Why should he gets what he wants and not her?
Surely what she wants is important too? because swinging is an extra.. and should never be more important than each other.
Unless, of course, you discover through the course of swinging that you are just not a monogamous person.
In that case, your lifestyle will be fundamentally incompatible with your monogamous partner.
My multiple partner lifestyle is more important than any of my sexual partners. If one of them told me to go monogamous, I'd just let them head off their own way and do their own thing.
And that's ok. Relationships can end amicably if you both start to have different desires in life. People are allowed to go their own separate ways. You shouldn't be a slave to a promise and a contract. Nobody should put a promise and a contract above their own happiness."
I also wanted to point out two things: how common it is for a partner to be held responsible for their mates' insecurities, and how monogamy is massively used to alleviate and disguise said insecurities, in effect brushing them under the carpet. It is not the OP's swinging behaviour that has caused her husband's insecurity, it has merely exposed it. No matter how understanding and supportive a partner may be, ultimately it is our personal challenge to manage and hopefully overcome our individual insecurities - on our own. No amount of mollicoddling or monogamous cushioning will help with facing these fears. |
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"The question you should be asking yourself is why is your hubby feeling insecure. Think you need to concentrate on that.
This"
OP you have two recent veris from the same guy. Maybe your husband is frightened of losing you? Of not being as good. You also say you accommodate - is having other men fuck you in your joint home an issue?
Maybe if you only play seperarely does he get as many meets as you so feels things are unequal? The reality of single guy vs single lady says one thing but can still cause feelings of unfairness.
Is your sex life at home as active? Do you still give him attention when you've had a meet or are you satisfied enough and don't bother?
Lots of reasons behind feelings of insecurity but if you don't address it it can kill a marriage. |
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"Thanks to all that offered advice and the not so nice comments ...really any need??? I have taken it all on board no more comments pleease"
The trouble with asking for advice is, the answers are not always what you want to hear. |
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