FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Do we need to be selfish to cope?
Do we need to be selfish to cope?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This is a little bit of a departure from the usual banter here so I shan't expect too much positive support.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years and been togwther for over 20. I love here. Unconditionally.
Her Mother was diagnosed with Altzeimers several years ago and emotions and tensions have been at a constant high since. She was put in a hospice 2 years ago.
The birth of our second child played havoc with her hormones and she is now passionless.
Then May last year she contracted Sepsis and nearly died. Her recovery is still ongoing.
Her Mother finally passed away 3 weeks ago and the funeral isn't for another 3 weeks and we are all loving in limbo.
The person who I would normally turn to for support is the very same person who is having to deal with all this first hand. So who am I to express my selfish feelings and say I'm feeling neglected? How selfish would that be?
Yet here I am, having had to deal with all this for many years now, turning to Fab in secrecy for comfort and affection/distraction.
I only intende to use Fab as a temporary escape until we get through all this.
But is it right for me to seek ulterior satisfaction if it keeps me strong at home? |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
I never understand this sort of thing. Your partner needs support, having been ill and losing her mother, yet you're considering meeting others for sex. I find that cold.
Have you spoken to her? Maybe she needs some closeness but has been unable to communicate it, due to her grief. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Apologies - I shoild clarify that it was my wife that had Sepsis. Its been a rough few years."
Having had sepsis myself... alot of its victims develop severe depression on their road to recovery. I would imaging your wife herself is struggling immensely. Do you remember the vows you said to her as you looked into her eyes on your wedding day? |
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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
I think that everyone needs to do whatever they need to do to keep themselves sane when they need to be strong for others.
However, the betrayals your wife would feel if she found out you were here, could be devastating.
I think its perfectly understandable you need support too. I'm just not sure a swinging site is the right place |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is the way of men, they need sex and attention, no matter what the situation.
The poor sod's are made to be ready for sex at any given moment. But us women have so much other things to deal with, and hormones that only make us ready at certain times.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think I've always known that which is why I've never arranged any meets.
Think you lot have told me what I probably already knew.
X"
Delete your pro n concentrate on your wife. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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No sweet. Its more than that. I've lost my wife and don't know how to get her back. Believe me I've tried the meaningful conversations, the romantic dinners and the heartfelt truths. Nothing has changed things. |
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Life can be very tough and people can be very vulnerable.
You have needs, emotional and physical that aren't being met and only a saint could sustain themselves through years of that. I don't know the answer to your question because I don't think there is one.
All I can say is that life has a habit of going full circle and you might one day find your and your wife's current position reversed, what would you expect from her?
You're between the devil and the deep blue sea and people often forget the "supporter".
I hope things work out for the best for both of you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My ex husband sounds very much like you
In a very short period of time, I had a child (post natal depression followed), lost my job and then my mum was diagnosed terminal, making depression worse.
Instead of supporting me, he couldn't (maybe wouldn't) even hold me when I cried.
That just made it worse.
Delete your profile and concentrate on your wife and what she needs right from you. Be there for each other.
If you stay here and meet someone and your wife finds out, your marriage is gone.
So in my eyes, based on personal experience, your risking your marriage by being selfish and wanting your needs dealt met. But you should be meeting your wife's needs emotionally |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Memo to self: READ THE OP IN FULL...
I feel like a right twit now...the OP admits to having joined the site in secrecy, so obviously his wife doesn't know about what he's up to...
Therefore, my previous post is irrelevant...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This reminds me of a co worker who cheated on his wife while she had terminal cancer. I'm the most non judgmental person in the world but even I had to shake my head at this one. The guy cheated with a co worker , and both of them got sacked.
Op come on man.. be there for your family |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think its perfectly understandable you need support too. I'm just not sure a swinging site is the right place"
I think this is a key point.
My father died while my mother was in the hospital having just suffered a heart attack herself. It all happened just as I was finishing school, and only 4 days after Marc had proposed to me. The following months were some of the most difficult of my life.
But it was precisely because of how Marc handled it that made our relationship survive and helped me get beyond the hard things dragging me down. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to deal with me at the time and to deal with his own life.
Perhaps you could talk to a marriage counsellor? Together would be best, but sometimes people go separately as well. I think you can get support without disappointing your wife and tarnishing your relationship. I wish you the best. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Apologies - I shoild clarify that it was my wife that had Sepsis. Its been a rough few years.
Having had sepsis myself... alot of its victims develop severe depression on their road to recovery. I would imaging your wife herself is struggling immensely. Do you remember the vows you said to her as you looked into her eyes on your wedding day?"
They never do |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wait a second, in may she nearly died of sepsis?
Youve been here 9 months so, while your wife was on her death bed you joined a swinging site?
That has to be a wind up??? |
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"No sweet. Its more than that. I've lost my wife and don't know how to get her back. Believe me I've tried the meaningful conversations, the romantic dinners and the heartfelt truths. Nothing has changed things."
Assuming you're telling the truth it sounds like you have been trying to support your wife and despite setting up a profile don't appear to have met anyone. I do believe that very often the person trying to hold everything together gets lost in the picture and no one thinks about their needs or support.
Personally I don't think being on here is the right thing to do but I also don't think remaining in an unhappy relationship helps. If you've truly tried every way to get things back on track then it's time to make a big decision and either look for other sources of help or walk away but cheating on a swingers site isn't going to be a good outcome for either of you. Good luck with it all. |
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"Wait a second, in may she nearly died of sepsis?
Youve been here 9 months so, while your wife was on her death bed you joined a swinging site?
That has to be a wind up???"
So many have ignored so much. |
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I honestly believe that this man is in a lot of pain. It's not easy seeing your spouse suffer. I think he continues to support his wife but is looking for an outlet. It's not easy to admit this to anyone.
When we meet another person and include them in our lives it is filled with a lot of affection, even the slightest touch. When this stops it is an awful feeling. A loss almost. We all need someone, even just to talk to. He is still there for his wife and all he is asking for is some advice.
My advice is: try not to hurt your wife. Try and seek professional support for both of you.
A friend is always nice to have ..... even on Fab! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is a little bit of a departure from the usual banter here so I shan't expect too much positive support.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years and been togwther for over 20. I love here. Unconditionally.
Her Mother was diagnosed with Altzeimers several years ago and emotions and tensions have been at a constant high since. She was put in a hospice 2 years ago.
The birth of our second child played havoc with her hormones and she is now passionless.
Then May last year she contracted Sepsis and nearly died. Her recovery is still ongoing.
Her Mother finally passed away 3 weeks ago and the funeral isn't for another 3 weeks and we are all loving in limbo.
The person who I would normally turn to for support is the very same person who is having to deal with all this first hand. So who am I to express my selfish feelings and say I'm feeling neglected? How selfish would that be?
Yet here I am, having had to deal with all this for many years now, turning to Fab in secrecy for comfort and affection/distraction.
I only intende to use Fab as a temporary escape until we get through all this.
But is it right for me to seek ulterior satisfaction if it keeps me strong at home?"
I think you've taken selfishness to a whole new level !
And joining FAB and probably other sites too while she was on her deathbed just takes the biscuit! |
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I think we need to find whoever can provide the support that we need to keep us alive and healthy. Selfishness has a barbed unpleasant ring to it, so self support is what it's really about.
In the best relationships we can communicate honestly and also be respectful. We won't always be able to get from one person everything that we need at every moment - we may have to be deprived - your situation sounds harsh op.
Worst case turn to the Samaritans for dialogue, as live discussion and getting some things off your chest could help.
And after this crisis point, help rebuild your social support network, so that less pressure is placed onto one person.
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Sounds like she's going through a shit storm yet appreciate you may need support yourself. Stop being a silly boy and get some therapy.
The point about you joining while your lady is pretty grim though  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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it's ok to be selfish, sometimes you have to prioritise yourself. it's less ok if you've taken on resposibilities though and you have to weight up how selfish you can be and what is fair, others you've chosen to be responsible for will also help you decide this.
by looking for sex as a way of coping with all this i feel your coping mechanisms are what's wrong. there are other ways of supporting yourself and your partner than by cheating sexually and emotionally. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So in short your wife almost died, her mother has had alzheimers for years and just died and you want strangers to tell you it's okay to cheat because you feel neglected?
No it's not okay. Grow up and stop being so childish and selfish |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is a little bit of a departure from the usual banter here so I shan't expect too much positive support.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years and been togwther for over 20. I love here. Unconditionally.
Her Mother was diagnosed with Altzeimers several years ago and emotions and tensions have been at a constant high since. She was put in a hospice 2 years ago.
The birth of our second child played havoc with her hormones and she is now passionless.
Then May last year she contracted Sepsis and nearly died. Her recovery is still ongoing.
Her Mother finally passed away 3 weeks ago and the funeral isn't for another 3 weeks and we are all loving in limbo.
The person who I would normally turn to for support is the very same person who is having to deal with all this first hand. So who am I to express my selfish feelings and say I'm feeling neglected? How selfish would that be?
Yet here I am, having had to deal with all this for many years now, turning to Fab in secrecy for comfort and affection/distraction.
I only intende to use Fab as a temporary escape until we get through all this.
But is it right for me to seek ulterior satisfaction if it keeps me strong at home?"
Can't you chat to one of your friends about this? I mean surely sex doesn't make things better, but talking about it might help? One thing is for certain - cheating on your partner won't help!
This is one of the reasons why I'm such a big advocate of multiple partner relationships rather than monogamy. Emotional intimacy is available from sources other than just the person you have sex with. Other partners are there to support you through difficult times.
But if you are set on being 'monogamous' perhaps try and discover emotional intimacy with some friends who you can turn to in the future in times of crisis? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is the way of men, they need sex and attention, no matter what the situation.
The poor sod's are made to be ready for sex at any given moment. But us women have so much other things to deal with, and hormones that only make us ready at certain times.
"
Sorry, but no. This is the male half of this couple just for clarification.
If this guy would have had the courage to go to his wife and explain the situation rationally, this could have gone a number of different, possibly better ways. If he's a man who's not being satisfied, then he should explain to his wife that he understands the situation, and that he's not expecting her to just give him something she really doesn't want to, but to explain that his urges won't go away and ask how he should deal with them.
He should involve her in the decision and if she's happy to pardon him for getting laid outside the marriage, that's her decision then. Also, she can stipulate what exactly she's happy for him to do, visit a hooker, swingers club, dating site, or even just going out on the pull.
The fact that he's refused to involve her in this any of this process means he either knows, or simply suspects that she'd agree to none of the things he might want, and that doesn't get him laid.
Also, he's not even trying to just get laid is he, or he'd use a prostitute where discretion would be a much smaller concern? He's using fab, where he'll likely have to chat and build rapport with single girls or couples. This allows the potential for multiple acts of indiscretion, as well as an opportunity to end up emotionally involved with another person, and potentially leaving his wife.
Most of the couple's on here had to bite the bullet at some stage and explain to their partner that they wanted to swing or share their kink in some way. He's not being a brave soldier for her sake, he's being a shit, dishonest husband |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Shaking my head right now.
Seeing he is no longer on here guess he made the right call or he will make a new profile.
This is why I have lost all trust towards men when it comes to relationships.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Shaking my head right now.
Seeing he is no longer on here guess he made the right call or he will make a new profile.
This is why I have lost all trust towards men when it comes to relationships.
"
Thats a bit unfair?
He is not an example of what all men are like!
There are plenty of loving kind loyal men who are in very successful happy loving comitted relationships.
It's unfair to judge all men from the OP's post and your own unfortunate choices in men.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Shaking my head right now.
Seeing he is no longer on here guess he made the right call or he will make a new profile.
This is why I have lost all trust towards men when it comes to relationships.
Thats a bit unfair?
He is not an example of what all men are like!
There are plenty of loving kind loyal men who are in very successful happy loving comitted relationships.
It's unfair to judge all men from the OP's post and your own unfortunate choices in men.
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Yes because I chose to be with someone who cheated on me constantly.
Or bf who dumped me because he was falling for me. To say my argument is unfair well it's my argument. I've been burnt bad 3 times. To the point I've decided I am worth more than being cheated on lied to and thrown away.
No I didn't want all those things happening. The op is making a conscious decision to want to cheat because he is horny and can't control it while his wife is suffering.
There are plenty of loyal men in happy relationships?? Yes there are. My parents being one of them. Married 41 years and my dad treats my mum like she deserves.
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