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polyamory or playing with fire?
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this may be a long one sorry-
Ok so we have been together 4 years or so, and started swinging just over a year ago. It all started after having a threesome with my best mate who I had grown up with, we loved it, but it was obviously awkward so turned to swinging. Later down the line we had another threesome with him, then another and another and so on to the point where we pretty much stopped swinging and a few times a week were meeting him sometimes for sex, some times for the social. I think for a long time I could tell it was more than just sex between him and my partner, but never really acknowledge it as it was all great fun.
a week ago we took ecstasy together (bare in mind this is not something we would normally do, and thought fuck it lets try it as we knew it was safe and from a friend) one thing lead to another, as it does on ecstasy and they told each other how they felt and I openly encouraged this. we had such a great, loving night and few days after.
This sort of sealed the deal and we realised we were in a Poly relationship. so besides us all having to figure out our feelings and make sure we are all completely honest especially about jealousy. We are yet to discover a similar triangle set up in the poly world. it tends to be either an open relationship set up, rather than 3 people together all the time sleeping together etc.
For me the worry isn't how i'm feeling right now, its new and kind of exciting. But the future- I'm watching my girlfriend, who I genuinly love more than anything else in the world and my best friend fall more and more in love. But i'm worried if there comes a point where I want it to stop. Would it be fair to put a knife between their relationship, hurting both my girlfriend and best friend. Unlike most poly relationships I have read about, it's more than just my relationship and theirs as I have known this guy for most my life and he is my only real friend.
What if I wanted to marry her? he would surely be my best man, but is that fair?
Would love to know peoples opinions or anything who has had similar situations. Or pointing towards a more Poly community to talk to.
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I don't really have much insight into this sort of relationship but I think as long as your all open and honest with each other then it will be fine. I'd suggest pouring your worries onto your two partners and have an open and frank discussion. I'm sure someone else with more knowledge on the subject will pop up soon.
Good luck OP x |
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"No advice or experience but u sound like you've got your head screwed on. Interested to hear what advice u get"
Thanks! were all so close that it is working great for now, but that also means that the consequences are much higher!  |
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"I don't really have much insight into this sort of relationship but I think as long as your all open and honest with each other then it will be fine. I'd suggest pouring your worries onto your two partners and have an open and frank discussion. I'm sure someone else with more knowledge on the subject will pop up soon.
Good luck OP x"
yep thats what we have been doing  every day since, we have spoke about how we are all feeling. Each one of us has a completely different side of the triangle to worry about. So we are just trying to put our selves in each others shoes as much as possible, while dealing with our own emotions |
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Also not sure how this will work with swinging, does it put a stop to it? would the swinging world accept we are a mmf "tripple"
we used to love clubs and parties but this may be a little harder now too. |
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By *onygirlTV/TS
over a year ago
Huntingdon |
The cornerstone of any poly relationship is open and honest communication. So long as you all keep talking to each other about the situation and how everyone feels, hopefully you should be able to head off any major issues before they get too big, especially any jealousy that may arise. Ignoring any jealous feelings will only make it harder later on. Just keep talking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also not sure how this will work with swinging, does it put a stop to it? would the swinging world accept we are a mmf "tripple"
we used to love clubs and parties but this may be a little harder now too."
As a single fem. I'd meet an mmf trio |
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"The cornerstone of any poly relationship is open and honest communication. So long as you all keep talking to each other about the situation and how everyone feels, hopefully you should be able to head off any major issues before they get too big, especially any jealousy that may arise. Ignoring any jealous feelings will only make it harder later on. Just keep talking "
yep thats the plan! as far as jealousy goes, at the moment it seems it stems from the idea of them 2 doing things without me, and vis versa so more the 'fear of missing out' rather than jealousy of them together if that makes sense?
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By *onygirlTV/TS
over a year ago
Huntingdon |
"yep thats the plan! as far as jealousy goes, at the moment it seems it stems from the idea of them 2 doing things without me, and vis versa so more the 'fear of missing out' rather than jealousy of them together if that makes sense?
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Makes sense to me lol. I still feel a bit left out when my partner is off playing with someone else but I think that's natural.
Also, as to swinging as a triad rather than a couple as long as all three of you are happy to I don't see why it should stop you. It may be a bit trickier to find people to play with all of you but there are likely plenty who would. I know it wouldn't put me off. |
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"https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/581585
There was a really interesting and informative thread on this very subject only a cpl of days ago, see link above... hope this helps
Rabbit x "
yep I was going to post my situation in that thread to start with, but felt it was a bit more of an unusual situation in the poly world than what I read in the thread.
it wasn't so much out choice to go poly, although we did like intimate swinging. it just sort of found us |
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"https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/581585
There was a really interesting and informative thread on this very subject only a cpl of days ago, see link above... hope this helps
Rabbit x
yep I was going to post my situation in that thread to start with, but felt it was a bit more of an unusual situation in the poly world than what I read in the thread.
it wasn't so much out choice to go poly, although we did like intimate swinging. it just sort of found us"
just keep it real between you shounds like your having fun as to swinging be careful as this could but more stress on all of you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You seem to be thinking about it very logically.
I few of our swinging friends ended up in three way relationships following on from similar progression to what you're describing.
Unfortunately it all ended up with one half of the couple running off with the third person after a while.
Hope it works out for all three of you! The other thread about being poly proves it can and does work |
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"What does it matter if she falls in love with him? Love isn't a commodity with finite amounts - it's endless. She can happily love him and love you too."
it doesn't, this isn't my worry at all like I said I actively encouraged it.
it's just something completely new to me so was looking for guidance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What does it matter if she falls in love with him? Love isn't a commodity with finite amounts - it's endless. She can happily love him and love you too.
it doesn't, this isn't my worry at all like I said I actively encouraged it.
it's just something completely new to me so was looking for guidance."
Take each day as it comes. Expect absolutely nothing. Cherish everything. Customise your commitments. |
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"You seem to be thinking about it very logically.
I few of our swinging friends ended up in three way relationships following on from similar progression to what you're describing.
Unfortunately it all ended up with one half of the couple running off with the third person after a while.
Hope it works out for all three of you! The other thread about being poly proves it can and does work "
yeah I guess thats the big worry, I cant see my partner running off with him, but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc, I guess there is no real answer but just to see how things work. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc"
No, it's not fair for you to assume it's you. If you choose to end the threeway, she might decide she enjoys being poly and carry on dating him and others. |
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" but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc
No, it's not fair for you to assume it's you. If you choose to end the threeway, she might decide she enjoys being poly and carry on dating him and others."
this is the thing though, we don't feel like we are doing it as the lifestyle is for us, but more for the people involved.
We have no desired to date, or bring anyone else into it. I guess my battle is, is it worth the risk of the poly relationship over loosing both the love of my life and best friend in one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc
No, it's not fair for you to assume it's you. If you choose to end the threeway, she might decide she enjoys being poly and carry on dating him and others.
this is the thing though, we don't feel like we are doing it as the lifestyle is for us, but more for the people involved.
We have no desired to date, or bring anyone else into it. I guess my battle is, is it worth the risk of the poly relationship over loosing both the love of my life and best friend in one"
Is there any reason to presuppose you will lose either of them ? |
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" but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc
No, it's not fair for you to assume it's you. If you choose to end the threeway, she might decide she enjoys being poly and carry on dating him and others.
this is the thing though, we don't feel like we are doing it as the lifestyle is for us, but more for the people involved.
We have no desired to date, or bring anyone else into it. I guess my battle is, is it worth the risk of the poly relationship over loosing both the love of my life and best friend in one
Is there any reason to presuppose you will lose either of them ?"
Oh no not at all, just trying to figure out an worries we have been having between us if that makes sense?, so far it's been going great and never been happier I think a lot of the worries lead back to what society tells us is right and wrong tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" but if for any reason I want it to end, who does she choose, is it fair for me to assume its me etc
No, it's not fair for you to assume it's you. If you choose to end the threeway, she might decide she enjoys being poly and carry on dating him and others.
this is the thing though, we don't feel like we are doing it as the lifestyle is for us, but more for the people involved.
We have no desired to date, or bring anyone else into it. I guess my battle is, is it worth the risk of the poly relationship over loosing both the love of my life and best friend in one
Is there any reason to presuppose you will lose either of them ?
Oh no not at all, just trying to figure out an worries we have been having between us if that makes sense?, so far it's been going great and never been happier I think a lot of the worries lead back to what society tells us is right and wrong tbh "
Society will frown upon each and every one of us on here . Don't allow that to scupper your desires or you will just become another sheep .
Live your lives as you see fit and ignore negative influences from those who don't matter |
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By *otgirl32Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
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Society will frown upon each and every one of us on here . Don't allow that to scupper your desires or you will just become another sheep .
Live your lives as you see fit and ignore negative influences from those who don't matter "
The above is so true. That said, you should consider yourselves lucky to have found each other. I can certainly see myself in love with 2 men and living with them in harmony. The boys will be the ones to have to not let jealousy rear its' ugly head. |
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I hope things with your relationship are going well! We are looking to create a closed mmf, but struggling to find a single male that wants the same! Any suggestions on where to look is greatly appreciated! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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How woukd you feel if your mate and girlfriend wanted to marry in the future? What if they no longer wanted to be a 3? Start a family? The moment you opened your relationship up you run the risk of these things happening. Only you know if you have done the right thing. |
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By *otgirl32Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
"How woukd you feel if your mate and girlfriend wanted to marry in the future? What if they no longer wanted to be a 3? Start a family? The moment you opened your relationship up you run the risk of these things happening. Only you know if you have done the right thing."
They'll probably raise kids as a triple not couple. Keep at it don't let society derail you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If your relationship is ever going to fail it's not going to be because someone else has entered into it, happy people DO NOT leave, whether it's a couple or a triad. Only unhappy relationships break down and if one of you ever becomes unhappy I'm sure you wouldn't want to continue in that situation.
You sound like you're going into this in exactly the right way and I wish you the best of luck with your relationship x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How woukd you feel if your mate and girlfriend wanted to marry in the future? What if they no longer wanted to be a 3? Start a family? The moment you opened your relationship up you run the risk of these things happening. Only you know if you have done the right thing."
What if their partner no longer wanted to be with them? A three doesn't make any difference to that. |
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Thanks for sharing your experience. For what it's worth i do believe some people are genuinely able to love multiple partners, but not all - some people need to focus their feelings on one person. Men are, on average, more naturally jealous of their female partner having more sexual partners but personally that's not something i feel at all. You have an interesting dynamic and i wish you all the best with it. |
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Well, I would say that you need to check yourself for your emotional maturity.
I've seen many poly relationships come and go, and personally, it's definitely not for me, tried it.
The bit that always makes me poly-phobic is the massive explosion and fall out when (if) things collapse and the trio becomes two... Two persons happiness carries on whilst the third gets their nose rubbed in it.
The door seems to get slammed hard on the third person and they get shut out in the emotional cold.
It gets messier still when things get "mature" with anything legal... Family / mortgage / rent etc.
So... proceed with extra caution especially given your ages.
IME & IMHO.
Flames |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Think it's only down to you all to make sure your all honest at every turn ?
It really doesn't matter what others think as life is to short and who dictates what is normal and what isn't ?
Hope that you all can make this work for how ever long you enjoy it ?
My only thought is to all talk about the what if's and where you see it going ?
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Stop looking for problems or else you'll make them happen. Just go with the flow and enjoy it, last thing you want to do is start a ripple of negativity which will grow into something that could end up being the problem you don't want. |
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