FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Sub dom advice
Sub dom advice
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"You either are or your not" Oh my goodness you are just incredible  | |||
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"I see you've had the usual pissy responses about "real" doms, that's standard practice on here I'm afraid. Apparently all doms sprang fully formed from the womb and never had to ask questions or start anywhere. It's perfectly possible to play with in the way you've described that she's asking for without taking it all too seriously, I've done just that many times despite not being a "real" submissive or my partner being a "real" dom. Maybe start with something like Velcro restraints, which are safer than rope or ties and easy to get out of if needed. A blindfold and a range of toys that you use on her, such as a wand. If you wanted you could think about temperature play with glass toys and ice. Different sensations like pinwheels or a leather flogger stroking her body. But above all I'd say just start simple and have a bit of fun with it. Ask her what she likes and dislikes, then you'll be armed with things to choose from that you know are within her limits - but you get to choose what you do and when. If you want to take it more seriously I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who will be less arsey about it. " This  | |||
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"You either are or your not" Wrong! | |||
"Dons are born....it doesn't come from books or tips. You can hone your techniques....but you either are or you are not. If you were you would know it.....and so will she!" Wrong! | |||
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"You are all wrong! We are wrong! Everyone is wrong! "Right! | |||
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"I've been doing bdsm over 25 years.I'm a serious player.I'm a sub a true sub.bdsm is not a quick fix.you have to experiment and develop things.I've gone down many avenues in this field.I think many on here when they talk about domination mean some gentle spanking some tie and tease some bondage.the swinging scene crossed over into the true fetish/ bdsm scene looking for something extra .I'm more over on the other side of the white line.don't knock me for what I do each to their own I say.if people want to take the route I have its fine.but this has to be done absolutely right.things can go horribly wrong" poppers and a latex hood lol... yeah secondsure from phoning 999 | |||
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"I suspect if you put five Dom's in a room you would have seven different opinions. I always suggest talk to subs, that's were the wisdom is. "Interesting, will watch this thread with interest. | |||
"I suspect if you put five Dom's in a room you would have seven different opinions. I always suggest talk to subs, that's were the wisdom is. "  | |||
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"I suspect if you put five Dom's in a room you would have seven different opinions. I always suggest talk to subs, that's were the wisdom is. "Yes and no but also no and yes! Lol | |||
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"Thank you everyone who's replied responses have been very helpful it's given me some useful and helpful guidance. I have blindfolds and handcuffs to use I'm hoping to make the most of them . If there's anyone that's happy with me messaging them privately so I could run a few ideas past them please let me know . Thank you ." Can't, filters | |||
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"I see you've had the usual pissy responses about "real" doms, that's standard practice on here I'm afraid. Apparently all doms sprang fully formed from the womb and never had to ask questions or start anywhere. It's perfectly possible to play with in the way you've described that she's asking for without taking it all too seriously, I've done just that many times despite not being a "real" submissive or my partner being a "real" dom. Maybe start with something like Velcro restraints, which are safer than rope or ties and easy to get out of if needed. A blindfold and a range of toys that you use on her, such as a wand. If you wanted you could think about temperature play with glass toys and ice. Different sensations like pinwheels or a leather flogger stroking her body. But above all I'd say just start simple and have a bit of fun with it. Ask her what she likes and dislikes, then you'll be armed with things to choose from that you know are within her limits - but you get to choose what you do and when. If you want to take it more seriously I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who will be less arsey about it. " Well said! | |||
"Wow completely shocked by the narrow minded individuals who replied early on. If the bdsm community treated everyone like that it would of died out when it was still underground! OP fantastic you have come on looking for advice. First thing to do would be to talk to the play partner and ask her about her limits, things that she definitely doesn't want to do. Then you want to see if she wants any form of pain involved or she wants a sensual scene. I personally would try and stay away from anything too dramatic pain wise and only use you hand. Bare in mind you should only be hitting fleshy tissue. I wouldn't use any paddles, floggers etc until someone has shown you where and how to use them and you've had a bit of practice. Sensual scenes can be amazing! There is a fantastic kink scene and 99% of people are encouraging and incredibly helpful on teaching skills, safety as well as etiquette. If you want to pop me a message I'm happy to help with any specific questions you have. Ignore the individuals on this thread that are so far up their own arses they can't remember want it was like when they first stepped in to the kink world. X" ?? | |||
"OP some of the later responses you have had are right on the mark and there's not a great deal to add to them - however a few things to expand on further. Try getting along to any local munches (social gatherings for fet minded people) talk to people there see what works for them and adapt it to yourselves. As well as talking to your potential sub about what she wants and her limits etc., think about your own - what do you think you might be confortable with doing, what might you not be. If your and your potential subs wants/desires/limits aren't aligned then it could be a recipe for disaster. There are some very good BDSM checklists out there if you Google, that might be useful in helping you both decide on limits and areas to focus play on. There are a few decent books it might help to read too: Spare Me The Roses Bring Me The Thorns and SM101 are both readily available from Amazon and may help you shape your thinking. Above all else though, don't rush into things, spend time thinking seriously about what you BOTH might want to get out of this, and how far you're prepared to take it. Take small steps along what could be a very pleasureable road for you both. Good luck!! "totally this, talk to each other, start small, learn all you can, use those checklists, plenty of aftercare. keep it safe sane and consensual and don't listen to innately negative people x | |||
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"Tie her to the bed naked and then tell you have some friends coming around to use her or that you're going out to get some people to use her. Obviously don't do that, but the fear and sexual anxiety that wud cause wud be a good start to your session"  | |||
"Tie her to the bed naked and then tell you have some friends coming around to use her or that you're going out to get some people to use her. Obviously don't do that, but the fear and sexual anxiety that wud cause wud be a good start to your session" No a bad start. A very bad start, possibly traumatic even. I'm all for mind fucks but he's not experienced as a dom or with her and you have no idea of her background ffs. | |||
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"What I ment is you are either naturally sub or dom . Yes you can 'play the role' but in the end you will naturally find out what you are. Stuff is expensive but duct tape , shrink wrap and clothes pegs are still a personal favourite of ours despite the thousands of pounds of equipment and clothing. Also a site thathat you may find handy is (have to space this out due to spam) f et I ife dot c0m " And some of us are naturally switch too | |||
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"We played a bdsm board game last weekend, enjoyed it because it gave us ideas to try out. It was a little tame for us though" Where did u get that from, Argos, sounds good for a Christmas pressie? | |||
"I see you've had the usual pissy responses about "real" doms, that's standard practice on here I'm afraid. Apparently all doms sprang fully formed from the womb and never had to ask questions or start anywhere. It's perfectly possible to play with in the way you've described that she's asking for without taking it all too seriously, I've done just that many times despite not being a "real" submissive or my partner being a "real" dom. Maybe start with something like Velcro restraints, which are safer than rope or ties and easy to get out of if needed. A blindfold and a range of toys that you use on her, such as a wand. If you wanted you could think about temperature play with glass toys and ice. Different sensations like pinwheels or a leather flogger stroking her body. But above all I'd say just start simple and have a bit of fun with it. Ask her what she likes and dislikes, then you'll be armed with things to choose from that you know are within her limits - but you get to choose what you do and when. If you want to take it more seriously I'm sure there are plenty of people on here who will be less arsey about it. " The above is a good answer You can really start it by exchanging messages asking her what she would like to happen then start making your own suggestions based on sub Dom stories in this forum | |||
"Tie her to the bed naked and then tell you have some friends coming around to use her or that you're going out to get some people to use her. Obviously don't do that, but the fear and sexual anxiety that wud cause wud be a good start to your session" DO NOT DO THIS, THIS IS ABUSE NOT BDSM PLAY. The latter posts to this thread have given you some very good starting pointers. I would add a couple of bits of advice too....communication between the two of you is paramount, decide what you want to do, discuss what you both want to get out of the session and decide boundaries and a safe word. Most use the traffic light system, 'green' being 'love it, keep doing what you are doing'. 'Amber' means 'I am still ok with what is going on at the moment, but approaching my limits'. Red means 'stop immediately, I am in distress, you have gone beyond my limits '. Sometimes you can discuss in advance what you are going to do, both agree than things change, be aware that what the sub can take one day might not be the same as the next and always honour the safe word. If the sub is gagged, then hand signals, tapping etc. The top should watch body language and breathing...rapid breathing may mean excitement, but it also may mean distress, your responsibility to know or find out which. Subs can go into sub space and allow the top to go past limits and suffer afterwards, do not keep going regardless just because that is what you both said you wanted. Lastly, sub and dom 'drop', after care for both is essential, especially as you are new to the scene. Google 'sub and dom drop'. Enjoy your journey. | |||
"Tie her to the bed naked and then tell you have some friends coming around to use her or that you're going out to get some people to use her. Obviously don't do that, but the fear and sexual anxiety that wud cause wud be a good start to your session DO NOT DO THIS, THIS IS ABUSE NOT BDSM PLAY. The latter posts to this thread have given you some very good starting pointers. I would add a couple of bits of advice too....communication between the two of you is paramount, decide what you want to do, discuss what you both want to get out of the session and decide boundaries and a safe word. Most use the traffic light system, 'green' being 'love it, keep doing what you are doing'. 'Amber' means 'I am still ok with what is going on at the moment, but approaching my limits'. Red means 'stop immediately, I am in distress, you have gone beyond my limits '. Sometimes you can discuss in advance what you are going to do, both agree than things change, be aware that what the sub can take one day might not be the same as the next and always honour the safe word. If the sub is gagged, then hand signals, tapping etc. The top should watch body language and breathing...rapid breathing may mean excitement, but it also may mean distress, your responsibility to know or find out which. Subs can go into sub space and allow the top to go past limits and suffer afterwards, do not keep going regardless just because that is what you both said you wanted. Lastly, sub and dom 'drop', after care for both is essential, especially as you are new to the scene. Google 'sub and dom drop'. Enjoy your journey. "https://kinkedux.wordpress.com/2014/03/04/sub-drop-and-dom-drop/ | |||
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"The Above link is actually really good." I know.... | |||
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"But one thing is true in all play I've done, been involved in, communication is the key. Talk about it, boundaries, safe words, likes and dislikes and above all else, as a dom, never break the trust. The sub is trusting you to look after them, and realise the sub is the real one with the power. Enjoy your journey. "
When this doesn't happen it can cause massive hurt and distress. Sadly I know this from personal experience  | |||
"But one thing is true in all play I've done, been involved in, communication is the key. Talk about it, boundaries, safe words, likes and dislikes and above all else, as a dom, never break the trust. The sub is trusting you to look after them, and realise the sub is the real one with the power. Enjoy your journey.
When this doesn't happen it can cause massive hurt and distress. Sadly I know this from personal experience "It happens all to often, and after that awful book, film 50 shades where he callously ignores her use of the safe word, some people think it's OK, sadly. Big hugs. X | |||
"But one thing is true in all play I've done, been involved in, communication is the key. Talk about it, boundaries, safe words, likes and dislikes and above all else, as a dom, never break the trust. The sub is trusting you to look after them, and realise the sub is the real one with the power. Enjoy your journey.
When this doesn't happen it can cause massive hurt and distress. Sadly I know this from personal experience
It happens all to often, and after that awful book, film 50 shades where he callously ignores her use of the safe word, some people think it's OK, sadly.
Big hugs. X "That book and any other in the series and spin-offs should be banned, I know of a few 'accidents' that happened post-reading that badly written drivel. | |||
"But one thing is true in all play I've done, been involved in, communication is the key. Talk about it, boundaries, safe words, likes and dislikes and above all else, as a dom, never break the trust. The sub is trusting you to look after them, and realise the sub is the real one with the power. Enjoy your journey.
When this doesn't happen it can cause massive hurt and distress. Sadly I know this from personal experience "To me that D/s trust bond is imperative. If a sub has doubts, I suspect space will not be achievable, equally drop will not be managed and can leave people ( both) in a very poor place. I personally advise potential people that we may together set up this type of dynamic. Let's talk, a lot. You research a subs perspective. Talk some more set safety and early boundaries. Talk some more. And if you get approached by a potential Diom, ask the process they put in place to control space and deal with drop. I suspect any Dom, I know I would, appreciate this. Then again I'm not a porn/show Dom, Damn might not even be Dom, gosh that is a relief, takes the pressure off. | |||
"But one thing is true in all play I've done, been involved in, communication is the key. Talk about it, boundaries, safe words, likes and dislikes and above all else, as a dom, never break the trust. The sub is trusting you to look after them, and realise the sub is the real one with the power. Enjoy your journey.
When this doesn't happen it can cause massive hurt and distress. Sadly I know this from personal experience
To me that D/s trust bond is imperative.
If a sub has doubts, I suspect space will not be achievable, equally drop will not be managed and can leave people ( both) in a very poor place.
I personally advise potential people that we may together set up this type of dynamic. Let's talk, a lot. You research a subs perspective. Talk some more set safety and early boundaries. Talk some more. And if you get approached by a potential Diom, ask the process they put in place to control space and deal with drop.
I suspect any Dom, I know I would, appreciate this.
Then again I'm not a porn/show Dom,
Damn might not even be Dom, gosh that is a relief, takes the pressure off."I never had doubts, he was a great Dom for over a year and we developed a very strong bond, I trusted him completely. I gave him my mind and he could put me in sub space in minutes. But he changed the dynamic/boundaries overnight, twice no less, and both times by kik. No discussion, just this is how it is for me so this is how it is. Left me reeling and very hurt. To be told 'we're just swinging' was an insult. He is naturally dominant, very good at it in fact, not really on the bdsm scene and I was his first real sub. I believe it's this lack of experience to know how changing things overnight would devastate someone, thinking or assuming it would be the same as 'just' swinging. It's been a bad couple of months trying to regain stability. I'm not sure I could have foreseen this happening to do anything different as during the last year he's been very considerate and appropriate, perfectly so. | |||
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"Real D/s is not based upon most of the answers given,To be a Dom,ask yourself..Why do I want to dominate her.. Most Dom,s I know want to dominate in order to sexually abuse...THAT IS NOT PROPER D/s.. Neither is 50 shades of grey...Discuss with the woman,what you both want from the relationship..." | |||
"Real D/s is not based upon most of the answers given,To be a Dom,ask yourself..Why do I want to dominate her.. Most Dom,s I know want to dominate in order to sexually abuse...THAT IS NOT PROPER D/s.. Neither is 50 shades of grey...Discuss with the woman,what you both want from the relationship..." 2u or is that U2 reference to the answers | |||
"Tie her to the bed naked and then tell you have some friends coming around to use her or that you're going out to get some people to use her. Obviously don't do that, but the fear and sexual anxiety that wud cause wud be a good start to your session No a bad start. A very bad start, possibly traumatic even. I'm all for mind fucks but he's not experienced as a dom or with her and you have no idea of her background ffs. " This | |||
