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Sex less relationship
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have been with my girlfriend almost 6 years. We used to have a great sex life constantly at it. After my son was born it went down to once or twice a month which I expected, but now for the past 3 months there has been no sexual activity what so ever. I have given up trying due to her always turning me away. She shows no affection or interest what so ever and now I feel like I wouldn't even know how to have sex with her again. I am incredibly attracted to her and am constantly horny when I'm around her. I've tried talking to her but she just says I'm being stupid, she's fine, she is still into me (although it doesn't feel like it). I'm a bit lost as to what to do next and wondered if any of you had some advice. |
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Do you think she could be suspicious that your cheating/trying to cheat since you've been on here for over a year?
I only ask as when I was with my husband, I only stopped sleeping with him when I began to suspect he was (turned out I was right). Sometimes in these situations the first mistake many make is forgetting how well your other half knows you
Or do you think she knows you use this site even if just to chat?
to some women just chatting to other women via a site like this can feel just as much of a betrayal as the cheating act itself |
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By *iren4uWoman
over a year ago
jersey channel islands |
I have recently had a baby and it had the opposite effect on me I can't get enough. I have a very supportive husband though. I don't know how old your little one is but it is exhausting caring for a baby. I don't know how much of a hands on dad you are but try helping out as much as you can it all helps save time when 2 ppl do it. Run her a bath...go out to dinner and get a sitter. Is baby sleeping in own room I know that can put some parents off..Gd luck don't give up on her
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your query is really based all around you, how you feel, how you feel unwanted. You need to reverse that. She's got a whole new lifestyle to adjust to. Be loving for the moment. I also agree with the poster above. Sometimes women just know! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been with my girlfriend almost 6 years. We used to have a great sex life constantly at it. After my son was born it went down to once or twice a month which I expected, but now for the past 3 months there has been no sexual activity what so ever. I have given up trying due to her always turning me away. She shows no affection or interest what so ever and now I feel like I wouldn't even know how to have sex with her again. I am incredibly attracted to her and am constantly horny when I'm around her. I've tried talking to her but she just says I'm being stupid, she's fine, she is still into me (although it doesn't feel like it). I'm a bit lost as to what to do next and wondered if any of you had some advice. "
What to do next? Delete this profile and try and sort out your relationship would be my advice
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand your situation. I've had nothing at home in over a year. Went to relate a while back, the wife thought I was going to get told off for being a sex best when I suggested once a month. I thought the councillor was going to choke on her coffee when I suggested once a month. She said she couldn't cope with less than twice a week and she was amazed I wasn't seeing other people already. (I hadn't at that time)
The wife reluctantly agreed to once a month. I think it lasted two months. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your query is really based all around you, how you feel, how you feel unwanted. You need to reverse that "
I thought that. No mention of love. No mention of being ng concerned or worried. Nothing about making her happy. Nothing about what he can do.
Sometimes it's what isn't said that tells us the most |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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the best relationships are not just about sex. Yes sex can be important but communication , trust, respect and love are equally if not more so what it's about.
TBH posting this question on a swingers site under a single profile seems a little strange . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think the biggest issue is that women are generally programmed to want sex if they feel loved.
Men need sex to feel loved.
When one element breaks down so does the other and it takes one of you to break the programming to kick start things again. |
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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago
Wakefield |
"I have been with my girlfriend almost 6 years. We used to have a great sex life constantly at it. After my son was born it went down to once or twice a month which I expected, but now for the past 3 months there has been no sexual activity what so ever. I have given up trying due to her always turning me away. She shows no affection or interest what so ever and now I feel like I wouldn't even know how to have sex with her again. I am incredibly attracted to her and am constantly horny when I'm around her. I've tried talking to her but she just says I'm being stupid, she's fine, she is still into me (although it doesn't feel like it). I'm a bit lost as to what to do next and wondered if any of you had some advice. "
How is she coping with the baby, is she coping well showing affection and interest?
Has she rejected the baby and perhaps battling with post natal depression?
Do the pair of you talk to each other about everyday thing, not just about her feelings about sex and you?
Do you ever just give her a kiss and encouragement without thinking that is the road to sex?
What do you feel about the baby, do you help look after him/her?
Forget about sex and concentrate on your girlfriend and baby, think about their needs and sooner or later they will include sex but pressurising her for sex will have the opposite effect on both of you.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I must point out she is aware I am on here and she trusts that I will not meet women. I am on here to chat and meet guys. The relationship is fine but not having sex does create some tension and has at times caused arguments. Our son is 2 and I spend the majority of the time with him while she is working weekends and evenings. I take her out for just us 2, I buy her things, I cook her dinner and have bought sex toys hoping it will wake up her sex drive but nothing seems to work. She loves cuddles but even kisses only happen if I ask for it |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"I must point out she is aware I am on here and she trusts that I will not meet women. I am on here to chat and meet guys. The relationship is fine but not having sex does create some tension and has at times caused arguments. Our son is 2 and I spend the majority of the time with him while she is working weekends and evenings. I take her out for just us 2, I buy her things, I cook her dinner and have bought sex toys hoping it will wake up her sex drive but nothing seems to work. She loves cuddles but even kisses only happen if I ask for it "
profile states you are looking for women and mf couples????
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Op, can I suggest that you sit down with your partner. Tell her that the way things are is affecting you negatively and ask how the two of you can move forward.
Could she be suffering from post natal depression? Could she just be exhausted? Could she just be saying she's fine with you being on here while really feeling terribly hurt and unloved?
The only person who can answer all those questions is your partner.
Good luck to both of you. |
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"I must point out she is aware I am on here and she trusts that I will not meet women. I am on here to chat and meet guys. The relationship is fine but not having sex does create some tension and has at times caused arguments. Our son is 2 and I spend the majority of the time with him while she is working weekends and evenings. I take her out for just us 2, I buy her things, I cook her dinner and have bought sex toys hoping it will wake up her sex drive but nothing seems to work. She loves cuddles but even kisses only happen if I ask for it "
What she says she feels could be completely different to how she actually feels. She may say she's ok with you being on here when in fact it's the opposite and she can't understand why your seemingly not getting 100% of everything from her and need to be here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh dear. Not good OP. I think the other peeps on here are hitting nail on head. Probably she has got bad PND. If it goes on for more than 6 months apparently it becomes clinical depression.
You probably both need some talking therapies and some vitamin P (prozac) or whatever. get some help mate as trying to do it on your own is nigh on impossible. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been with hubby for 18 years and have 4 children.. For me and for some women having a baby really lowers our sex drive.. breastfeeding, constantly having a baby with you and being super tired..
Be loving in a none sexual way, help her around the house, run her a bath and look after the baby.
It's can come back be patient with her.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I must point out she is aware I am on here and she trusts that I will not meet women. I am on here to chat and meet guys. The relationship is fine but not having sex does create some tension and has at times caused arguments. Our son is 2 and I spend the majority of the time with him while she is working weekends and evenings. I take her out for just us 2, I buy her things, I cook her dinner and have bought sex toys hoping it will wake up her sex drive but nothing seems to work. She loves cuddles but even kisses only happen if I ask for it "
Regardless of whether you are on here looking for men (and in all honesty this probably isn't the best site for that) the fact is that if you are arguing about the fact you no longer have sex suggests she probably isn't okay with you being on here |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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As I said she is fine with me being on here, I've never hidden it from her and she is the one who found the site for me as she wanted to help satisfy my needs. She did suffer from depression but that all went after having our son and I have no concerns that she is mentally un well. I expected her sex drive to drop but not to the point there is nothing there at all, especially 2 years after the birth. Thanks for the kind comments. It Is reassuring to know I'm not the only one this has happened to, I just fear I'm making myself unwell by not knowing what the problem is and how to solve it. |
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Sorry to ask this as it could be potentially upsetting but have you considered if she's actually being faithful to you?
You seem to do a lot for her and to help out with your child and in that regard she seems to have it quite a cushy lifestyle with you that she may not want to loose, while getting sexual gratification elsewhere, after all you said she found the site "for you", what if she'd already found it? |
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"As I said she is fine with me being on here, I've never hidden it from her and she is the one who found the site for me as she wanted to help satisfy my needs. She did suffer from depression but that all went after having our son and I have no concerns that she is mentally un well. I expected her sex drive to drop but not to the point there is nothing there at all, especially 2 years after the birth. Thanks for the kind comments. It Is reassuring to know I'm not the only one this has happened to, I just fear I'm making myself unwell by not knowing what the problem is and how to solve it."
Could be a number of reasons why this has happened from her not feeling confident with herself anymore to other issues. Sometimes having a baby alters the chemical balance in her body so she just doesn't want sex...otber things change, tastes, likes, wants....it all comes down to communication.
If you are that worried, talk to her, open up. If things are that bad you are fighting, maybe seek couples counselling and work it through that way.
Personally my first step would be to show her your commitment to her by sitting her down and deleting yourself from here.
She might say it's ok for you to be on here but is it just her way of testing you?
Maybe set up a couples profile on here with her permission of course and let her read the compliments single men give her...boost her confidence in other ways
But ultimately talk to her, dont fight as kids pick up on stressful atmospheres. |
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Been there myself and know exactly how you feel.
Gorgeous partner who I adored, we used to have great and quite naughty sex but it all fizzled out.
We got to the point a few years ago where we went for over 6 months without sex. I was thinking "I'm only 30 (ish) I'm not ready for this i want an active sex life"
we would occasionally have "duty sex" which was so boring and exactly the same every time. I felt like it was just her allowing me to empty my load once in a blue moon. No affection or anything.
Somehow I managed to change it. We talked, she listened too and we tried to reproduce the spark.
Started going out for "dates"...
Boom! That was the answer! We now have a couple of dates a month where we go for something to eat, a few drinks, get a bit merry then go home pop on some music, few more drinks then out comes the sexy gear and we're at it like rabbits!
It really re-connected us and we have sex much more often now than the couple of times a month!
Life is hard and very draining, it's easy to forget how to enjoy yourself. Look back to what you used to do before life got on top of things and try living it again!
Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sorry to ask this as it could be potentially upsetting but have you considered if she's actually being faithful to you?
You seem to do a lot for her and to help out with your child and in that regard she seems to have it quite a cushy lifestyle with you that she may not want to loose, while getting sexual gratification elsewhere, after all you said she found the site "for you", what if she'd already found it? "
Went through my mind too, working nights and weekends etc  maybe..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My marriage was sexless for the last 8 years
It's a horrible feeling when you are made to feel ugly and undesirable by the person who's supposed to love you
Sometimes actions speak louder than words
My advice is tell her how you feel, tell her to feel desired and wanted is an important part of the relationship to you and if she can't offer you that maybe it's time to think about if your in the right relationship because believe me the longer it goes on the worse you feel
Some relationships just aren't ment to be x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you seriously think that being a single male on fab will help you mend the relationship with your girlfriend?"
Velma + shaggy - off topic but I love the doghnut pic !!
And  to your comment. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sorry to ask this as it could be potentially upsetting but have you considered if she's actually being faithful to you?
You seem to do a lot for her and to help out with your child and in that regard she seems to have it quite a cushy lifestyle with you that she may not want to loose, while getting sexual gratification elsewhere, after all you said she found the site "for you", what if she'd already found it?
Went through my mind too, working nights and weekends etc maybe....."
I also thought this could be the case but I would be very impressed if she could fit it in with our lifestyle. I drop her off and pick her up most days, and we wouldn't be able to afford the bills if she wasn't working when she says she is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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to me, 12 weeks does not seem a massively long time,especially if she is working a lot...sometimes just being permanently tired is enough to make feel sex like just one more chore...could be she's tired and run down, something very simple; you can only ask her.. but make it clear you care about finding a solution as much for her as for you otherwise you may sound as if you are nagging,which really won't help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So she works evenings and weekends? What does she do during the day - does she look after your son in the daytime?
Or are you saying you have your son 24/7?
"
We both work full time. But she works in retail which involves evenings and weekends. So when I am not working I am with my son |
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I would suggest more talking. You may want to try the direct approach of do you still find me sexy. Do you still want tear my clothes off me?
After birth there can be many physical and emotional and chemical changes that can take place.
But if there is no intimacy after 2 years you may need more professional help. I would say that having sex outside of a sexless relationship would seem to be something of a strange situation unless she has completely lost interest in sex.
But if that is the case and she has become asexual then you could try everything and it would not work. |
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"So she works evenings and weekends? What does she do during the day - does she look after your son in the daytime?
Or are you saying you have your son 24/7?
We both work full time. But she works in retail which involves evenings and weekends. So when I am not working I am with my son "
So she works full time and has a 2 year old to look after?
Out of every mum I know, the absolute vast majority of kids run to their mum for everything. She's probably exhausted. Does she get up in the night with him or do you?
My sex drive died when we had kids. Dead. Admittedly ours was a difficult situation because our kids have extra needs.
But it wiped me out. Sex became another "job". And I didn't want to be touched by yet another person when I'd got small people clinging to me 24/7.
Being a mum isn't the most relentless, non-sexy job imaginable.
Things that helped:
1. Looking at birth control - some types affect sex drive
2. Change of diet and exercise more - if you're not so wiped out and you live on chocolate to survive and would rather sleep than go for a run!
3. Not be nagged about sex. Take it off the table totally. Every nag to me was a criticism that I was being a crap wife and it just made me more miserable and less wanting to have sex.
4. Focus on connecting emotionally WITHOUT sex as the end goal. My husband would do housework and help out for a couple of weeks. Then he'd realise it didn't get rewarded with sex and he'd be pissed off and grumpy. Umm I do it all and wtf do I get rewarded with? It made me feel his efforts were purely to get sex and not because he loved me.
5. Things like buying new clothes, wearing makeup, having hair done made me feel sexy. Buying me a sex toy without even speaking to me about it and plonking it in front of me after a log day of children screaming and being sick - well he's lucky I didn't make him regret that purchase in a rather painful way!
6. The BIG one.
He sat down. He thought and though about what makes me feel sexy. He remembered that i like to dress up and go out. He remembered that I liked it when he'd see another guy eyeing me up and he'd tell me. That would turn me on.
After a LOT of discussion, he got me into Fab. He likes me meeting guys. I meet guys, away from home, and it's escapism. It makes me feel sexy again. And it's given us a great sex life back. He doesn't meet alone and we discussed this for ages but we're both happy with it.
I think I would've got to the point of saying he could meet alone as your wife has done, but I really think that would have been the beginning of the end of our marriage. It wouldn't have made me feel good or special. And it certainly wouldn't have made me want to have sex with him.
As it is, he got fucked silly last night, he's getting it again tonight and I have a meet later this week he's going to get some very sexy photos from.
I'm a very lucky girl. He's an amazing husband.
The key is really put yourself in her shoes. Forget about your needs while you try and figure this out.
But bless her, I suspect she's knackered!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So she works evenings and weekends? What does she do during the day - does she look after your son in the daytime?
Or are you saying you have your son 24/7?
We both work full time. But she works in retail which involves evenings and weekends. So when I am not working I am with my son
So she works full time and has a 2 year old to look after?
Out of every mum I know, the absolute vast majority of kids run to their mum for everything. She's probably exhausted. Does she get up in the night with him or do you?
My sex drive died when we had kids. Dead. Admittedly ours was a difficult situation because our kids have extra needs.
But it wiped me out. Sex became another "job". And I didn't want to be touched by yet another person when I'd got small people clinging to me 24/7.
Being a mum isn't the most relentless, non-sexy job imaginable.
Things that helped:
1. Looking at birth control - some types affect sex drive
2. Change of diet and exercise more - if you're not so wiped out and you live on chocolate to survive and would rather sleep than go for a run!
3. Not be nagged about sex. Take it off the table totally. Every nag to me was a criticism that I was being a crap wife and it just made me more miserable and less wanting to have sex.
4. Focus on connecting emotionally WITHOUT sex as the end goal. My husband would do housework and help out for a couple of weeks. Then he'd realise it didn't get rewarded with sex and he'd be pissed off and grumpy. Umm I do it all and wtf do I get rewarded with? It made me feel his efforts were purely to get sex and not because he loved me.
5. Things like buying new clothes, wearing makeup, having hair done made me feel sexy. Buying me a sex toy without even speaking to me about it and plonking it in front of me after a log day of children screaming and being sick - well he's lucky I didn't make him regret that purchase in a rather painful way!
6. The BIG one.
He sat down. He thought and though about what makes me feel sexy. He remembered that i like to dress up and go out. He remembered that I liked it when he'd see another guy eyeing me up and he'd tell me. That would turn me on.
After a LOT of discussion, he got me into Fab. He likes me meeting guys. I meet guys, away from home, and it's escapism. It makes me feel sexy again. And it's given us a great sex life back. He doesn't meet alone and we discussed this for ages but we're both happy with it.
I think I would've got to the point of saying he could meet alone as your wife has done, but I really think that would have been the beginning of the end of our marriage. It wouldn't have made me feel good or special. And it certainly wouldn't have made me want to have sex with him.
As it is, he got fucked silly last night, he's getting it again tonight and I have a meet later this week he's going to get some very sexy photos from.
I'm a very lucky girl. He's an amazing husband.
The key is really put yourself in her shoes. Forget about your needs while you try and figure this out.
But bless her, I suspect she's knackered!
"
I'm glad you both found a way to make it work. I understand what you're saying and I really wish I could say he runs to her but that's not the case. She comes home from work and spends an hour with him then goes upstairs to watch her TV programs (we live with parents and her dad always has sports on TV), whilst I play with him, bath him, get him ready for bed, read him stories etc.
As I've said before I've taken her out for the night, cooked her dinner etc. Not just for sex, but to make her happy.
Sex isn't everything, I know that. But to go from having it regularly to not at all, I can't help but feel I've done something wrong or changed in some way. She just can't seem to tell me if that is the case or not.
And no its not because I'm on this site. She is aware I am on here and has left it at that. She knows I meet guys now and again and is happy for me that I am enjoying my bi side that she obviously can't do for me. She knows I am 100% into her and have never done or said anything to make her think I am not. I let her know everyday how much I love her, it just doesn't seem to be enough to get the slightest bit of affection. Even a kiss or cuddle off her own back would be enough to keep me happy. |
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