FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > How to ask if they've been tested?
How to ask if they've been tested?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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We're new to swinging but always use condoms with each other. We're happy to get regularly tested though. How do you ask the other couple or single if they've been tested? We wouldn't want to seem rude or offend anyone  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd say there's no other way really than to just be straight and ask outright if they are offended then they aren't worth meeting, I'd be glad really as it assures me that you look after your well being and safety x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ask them directly... I never mind answering. I also get NHS texts which indicates I am clear.
If they get offended then you need to consider if you should meet them.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Depends on the way you play I suppose, and if the frequency of them getting tested would make a difference. If your play partner is a friend then I guess you just ask. If they are just a pick-up in a club or a party then it could be a bit awkward and you may not get the truth. We've never asked someone that prior to sex, nor has anybody asked us. It has come up in conversation from time to time, and a lot of people get tested about every 3 to 6 months, which is what we do. In all honesty our experience of the swing scene is that you use condoms to ensure safety, but a pre-sex discussion is not the norm. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ask them directly... I never mind answering. I also get NHS texts which indicates I am clear.
If they get offended then you need to consider if you should meet them. "
That's a fair point, we'll just ask then! If they do get offended, it'll let us know that safe sex isn't as important to them as it is to us. If someone is untruthful, we'd at least catch it early with regular testing. Thanks for the advice everyone x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not sure what difference asking makes, as you still have to rely on the truthfulness of their response"
Because:
1. Not everyone will lie
2. Of those who do lie, not all of them will do so convincingly
Therefore it's a simple filter that doesn't hurt |
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I wouldn't be offended if asked. I get tested and always play safer and use condoms. Wouldn't be able to provide proof though as my clinic doesn't send texts, I have to ring for results and they are given over the phone. Think I could get a certificate but would have to pay quite a lot |
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You can just ask, but how will you know you are getting an honest answer.
Even if they show you their all clear text/mail from a week ago how do you know what they have been upto and who with in the weeks since the test was taken.
I don't bother asking. I just look after myself and know the potential risks involved. |
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Straight up ask. It's my 2nd question if I'm planning to meet someone. I don't give a toss if they don't like it as I'm safeguarding myself. I always make sure the clinic sends me text confirmation too every 6mo when I test as proof. Too many horror stories on here to risk it. |
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"
If they do get offended, it'll let us know that safe sex isn't as important to them as it is to us. x"
Ermm.
Safe sex ... condoms! !!
I've never discussed test results but that doesn't mean I don't have safe sex
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Straight up ask. It's my 2nd question if I'm planning to meet someone. I don't give a toss if they don't like it as I'm safeguarding myself. I always make sure the clinic sends me text confirmation too every 6mo when I test as proof. Too many horror stories on here to risk it."
Horror stories? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i wouldn't bother asking them. if it comes up in conversation then it's a nice reminder that some people take care of their own health.
some guys i fuck i know aren't getting tested, if i catch something then i'll have to let them know and it'll force them to go have themselves checked out, but i've not caught anything yet so it doesn't even matter that they don't get checked really, i don't think it matters anyway if they've not got anything. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can just ask, but how will you know you are getting an honest answer.
"
You don't actually need an honest answer for the question to be worthwhile. In our experience, about a third of people won't even answer it. Unless you suppose they are people who do get tested but won't admit it, then that's a pretty useful filter in itself. |
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If you intend to sleep with someone, then you surely need to be assertive enough to ask what you need to ask.
That aside .... like people have said
a) trust their answer ?
b) you are going to wear confirms anyway?
Good luck and have 'safe fun' X |
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Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
And as said earlier.. who is to say they are being truthful anyway.. best advice.. look after yourself regardless what people tell you
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you intend to sleep with someone, then you surely need to be assertive enough to ask what you need to ask.
That aside .... like people have said
a) trust their answer ?
b) you are going to wear confirms anyway?
Good luck and have 'safe fun' X "
Lets be clear though, testing is not a substitute for condoms. That would be silly given the limitations of testing. But condoms cannot stop things like genital warts anyway so why people don't think they need both is beyond my understanding of logic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
"
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words. |
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words. "
I have never asked and dont intend to. I make my own decisions about my own safety and not by what others tell me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words.
I have never asked and dont intend to. I make my own decisions about my own safety and not by what others tell me"
I'm not telling you to do anything, simply pointing out that your assumption that "of course you will get a 'we are tested regularly and clean' " isn't correct. |
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By *manda63Woman
over a year ago
Southampton |
"We're new to swinging but always use condoms with each other. We're happy to get regularly tested though. How do you ask the other couple or single if they've been tested? We wouldn't want to seem rude or offend anyone "
We always use condoms and we would not be offended if asked via message |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont really bother asking as i wouldnt trust the answer
... just get tested myself and use condoms for full sex. And thats that.
However id not be offended if someone asked me. It depends which clinic ive used as to if i get a text as one only contacts you if theirs a problem. |
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By *manda63Woman
over a year ago
Southampton |
"I wouldn't be offended if asked. I get tested and always play safer and use condoms. Wouldn't be able to provide proof though as my clinic doesn't send texts, I have to ring for results and they are given over the phone. Think I could get a certificate but would have to pay quite a lot"
Same here with gp |
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words.
I have never asked and dont intend to. I make my own decisions about my own safety and not by what others tell me
I'm not telling you to do anything, simply pointing out that your assumption that "of course you will get a 'we are tested regularly and clean' " isn't correct. "
Knew what you meant.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We're new to swinging but always use condoms with each other. We're happy to get regularly tested though. How do you ask the other couple or single if they've been tested? We wouldn't want to seem rude or offend anyone "
Most will lie and say they get tested regularly if they think its gonna get them laid.
People lie you have to make your own judgements.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
"
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful. "
It gives a false sense of security.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
"
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I just put this on another thread, i dont really see the point in asking if you ask someone that question most people will say yes anyway whether its true or not"
What are you basing that on? In our experience most people do not say yes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback? "
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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people will say the right thing to get a meet- and only safe if negative result and no play since the last test - but ask away - anybody bothered by you asking isnt for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others."
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was tested the other week and had a good chat with the lady doing said tests (blood and urine) ...negative of course
Anyway...
The blood born stuff really doesnt show problems for about 2 months
So in reality unless people havent had any sexual contact for two months after last having sex and then have a negative test they cant say they are clean... i bet thats pretty much everyone here tbh...people say "we are tested and clean"...erm nope...cant really say that..
And I mean risk free....zero...
Of course if condoms are used the risk is small but still there...
You also see comments like "got certs"... as if there is some form of certificate you can whip out as you whip out yer tackle...
Here in Oxford I just got a text saying "results clear"... that was it.
Anyway its about managing risk isnt it...
There are some fantastic articles online that show the various risks etc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? "
if they dont know they have how the hell do the stats folk know a quarter of them havent  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right?
if they dont know they have how the hell do the stats folk know a quarter of them havent "
Take a representative sample and extrapolate the results... |
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? "
you dont not get things because you get tested. You keep yourself as safe as you can and by going for regular check ups it can be treated as quickly and easily as possible in most cases |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? you dont not get things because you get tested. You keep yourself as safe as you can and by going for regular check ups it can be treated as quickly and easily as possible in most cases"
I'd like to think that people who were aware they had something would be likely to stop playing while it was treated. If you don't know then you don't even have the ability to do that. |
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? you dont not get things because you get tested. You keep yourself as safe as you can and by going for regular check ups it can be treated as quickly and easily as possible in most cases
I'd like to think that people who were aware they had something would be likely to stop playing while it was treated. If you don't know then you don't even have the ability to do that. "
but how do we ever actually know. We can only look after ourselves not others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
A filter doesn't have to be perfect to be useful.
It gives a false sense of security.
As opposed to a perfect sense of insecurity? You understand that asking about testing isn't an invitation to bareback?
Totally. We also understand that not all clinics test for all STIs, that condoms do not provide 100% protection, and that there is no way of knowing what others have been doing. In our view the sensible approach is to assume that anyone may be carrying an STI, decide what level of risk you are willing to take with regard to using protection and get yourself tested regularly. It's a waste of time worrying about others.
So you don't think that a couple who did get regular tests would be a generally lower risk group than those who don't? You know the statistic that a quarter of HIV positive people don't know they have it right? you dont not get things because you get tested. You keep yourself as safe as you can and by going for regular check ups it can be treated as quickly and easily as possible in most cases
I'd like to think that people who were aware they had something would be likely to stop playing while it was treated. If you don't know then you don't even have the ability to do that. but how do we ever actually know. We can only look after ourselves not others. "
As I say, a filter doesn't need to be perfect to be useful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
"
Exactly, I really don't see the point in asking anyone, it's just pointless.
My view is regard everyone as riddled as fuck and protect yourself to the level your happy with  |
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By *ivnwcplCouple
over a year ago
liverpool |
"We're new to swinging but always use condoms with each other. We're happy to get regularly tested though. How do you ask the other couple or single if they've been tested? We wouldn't want to seem rude or offend anyone "
Unless you want to see some written proof they have been tested then you can never be sure so it would just be based on trust  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
"
That is true but at least they get tested.
There are those that think condoms are the silver bullet. They say "I always play safe so dont need to go to the clinic" - that is more dangerous in my book. But as with all these things its a case of what is the risk and reward. |
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By *P1964Woman
over a year ago
gillingham |
"We're new to swinging but always use condoms with each other. We're happy to get regularly tested though. How do you ask the other couple or single if they've been tested? We wouldn't want to seem rude or offend anyone "
You could ask but would they tell you truth? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
That is true but at least they get tested.
There are those that think condoms are the silver bullet. They say "I always play safe so dont need to go to the clinic" - that is more dangerous in my book. But as with all these things its a case of what is the risk and reward. "
They may also be lying about having been tested. |
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Is it just for re-
assurance ?
Not altogether sure why you would want to ask, are ou practising high risk activities?
What if someone said yes and they were hiv positive?
Would you expect many people to be honest if they didn't test?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
That is true but at least they get tested.
There are those that think condoms are the silver bullet. They say "I always play safe so dont need to go to the clinic" - that is more dangerous in my book. But as with all these things its a case of what is the risk and reward.
They may also be lying about having been tested."
I get texts. It is possible to get a piece of paper. No proof no fuck. At the end of the day you either play or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I get texts. It is possible to get a piece of paper. No proof no fuck. At the end of the day you either play or not. "
What proof is there that the result on this piece of paper still holds true....
There isn't any, they could have been creampied by the diseased & riddled brigade well before this piece of paper even got near the printer, nevermind being posted etc
but if a piece of paper makes people feel better then good for them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Waste of time asking in our opinion, they could have gone straight from the clinic to a bareback gangbang.
Exactly, I really don't see the point in asking anyone, it's just pointless.
My view is regard everyone as riddled as fuck and protect yourself to the level your happy with "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I get texts. It is possible to get a piece of paper. No proof no fuck. At the end of the day you either play or not.
What proof is there that the result on this piece of paper still holds true....
There isn't any, they could have been creampied by the diseased & riddled brigade well before this piece of paper even got near the printer, nevermind being posted etc
but if a piece of paper makes people feel better then good for them "
It's irrelevant.
You've got a choice between fucking someone who definitely didn't have HIV 3 months ago or fucking someone who might have HIV. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I get texts. It is possible to get a piece of paper. No proof no fuck. At the end of the day you either play or not.
What proof is there that the result on this piece of paper still holds true....
There isn't any, they could have been creampied by the diseased & riddled brigade well before this piece of paper even got near the printer, nevermind being posted etc
but if a piece of paper makes people feel better then good for them
It's irrelevant.
You've got a choice between fucking someone who definitely didn't have HIV 3 months ago or fucking someone who might have HIV. "
You're right, the piece of paper IS totally irrelevant. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I get texts. It is possible to get a piece of paper. No proof no fuck. At the end of the day you either play or not.
What proof is there that the result on this piece of paper still holds true....
There isn't any, they could have been creampied by the diseased & riddled brigade well before this piece of paper even got near the printer, nevermind being posted etc
but if a piece of paper makes people feel better then good for them
It's irrelevant.
You've got a choice between fucking someone who definitely didn't have HIV 3 months ago or fucking someone who might have HIV.
You're right, the piece of paper IS totally irrelevant."
No, that's what proves didn't have HIV 3 months ago  |
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I think you just got to ask, and you certainly can have stuff without knowing, so if your sexually active with multiple partners it really is worth being checked regularly, as telling someone you've got a std or similar isn't great, and you maybe spreading something about, causing emotional distress to a bunch of others. |
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words. "
Yep, that has been my experience too.
Janie x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why put yourself in that situation in the beginning..
Ofcourse you will get a "we are tested regularly and clean" response anyway if you ask... who would respond no we are not tested and may have a disease.
Have you tried?
In our experience a third of people tell you to fuck off in various words.
Yep, that has been my experience too.
Janie x"
Exactly, so many people just say the first thing that comes into their head - "oh they could lie to you". If a third won't even answer the question then that's a pretty good filter even if all of the rest were lying!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be honest I can't see the point in even asking.
I mean seriously. What answer are you expecting?
"Yes I was tested last week and oops I have gonorrhea"
"No I never get tested cos I don't care"
If you bother asking the question I can assure you the answer will ALWAYS be along the lines of -
"Of course I get tested regularly and I am clean"
That might even be true but relying on a person's honesty on this issue is foolish.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To be honest I can't see the point in even asking.
I mean seriously. What answer are you expecting?
"Yes I was tested last week and oops I have gonorrhea"
"No I never get tested cos I don't care"
If you bother asking the question I can assure you the answer will ALWAYS be along the lines of -
"Of course I get tested regularly and I am clean"
That might even be true but relying on a person's honesty on this issue is foolish.
"
If you read the thread before you post then you won't repeat falsehoods so easily |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To be honest I can't see the point in even asking.
I mean seriously. What answer are you expecting?
"Yes I was tested last week and oops I have gonorrhea"
"No I never get tested cos I don't care"
If you bother asking the question I can assure you the answer will ALWAYS be along the lines of -
"Of course I get tested regularly and I am clean"
That might even be true but relying on a person's honesty on this issue is foolish.
If you read the thread before you post then you won't repeat falsehoods so easily"
Pity you can block some people only once. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To be honest I can't see the point in even asking.
I mean seriously. What answer are you expecting?
"Yes I was tested last week and oops I have gonorrhea"
"No I never get tested cos I don't care"
If you bother asking the question I can assure you the answer will ALWAYS be along the lines of -
"Of course I get tested regularly and I am clean"
That might even be true but relying on a person's honesty on this issue is foolish.
If you read the thread before you post then you won't repeat falsehoods so easily
Pity you can block some people only once."
OK I'm wrong, don't read the thread and just post the first thing that comes into your head - even if it's already been discredited and makes you look stupid |
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