FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Building up my wife's confidence

Building up my wife's confidence

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I suggested swinging clubs to my wife, she is self conscious of her body, and I haven't helped wanted to show her that she's beautiful and perfectly normal by way of seeing others not to play but just to socialise and talk to others about sexual exploration. Need some nice couples to help her and me. Wondered if there are quiet couple only events that are good for what we need

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By *ustthe2ofusXXXCouple over a year ago

coventry

Keeping an eye on this post having a similar problem here

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Does she know that you're having this conversation on a swinging site OP? That wouldn't build my confidence in her position.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think. "

Then talk to her about your issues, go to a relationship counsellor. Don't come on a swingers site as a single man and ask for advice on your marriage. It's disrespectful as fuck IMO.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think.

Then talk to her about your issues, go to a relationship counsellor. Don't come on a swingers site as a single man and ask for advice on your marriage. It's disrespectful as fuck IMO."

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By *igal17Man over a year ago

Ayr SW Scotland

" Then talk to her about your issues, go to a relationship counsellor. Don't come on a swingers site as a single man and ask for advice on your marriage. It's disrespectful as fuck IMO."

And that should be his confidence shredded too!

Although you are bang right.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think if I had low confidence then reassurance and interest from my husband would mean more to me than from strangers he had involved in some secret attempt to make me feel better.

And certainly finding out he was on here would make me feel worse!

I'd suggest talking to your wife OP

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just to add, if she does know about you being on here and is willing to try maybe an organised social would be a good start. I've heard they are good for meeting other couples and as they take place in vanilla street it might be a good first step.

Just check that's the route she wants to take

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think.

Then talk to her about your issues, go to a relationship counsellor. Don't come on a swingers site as a single man and ask for advice on your marriage. It's disrespectful as fuck IMO."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Please enjoy having a go at me. If only life Was so fucking simple hey. We all wander off down dark alleys, some never make it out, I'm still in the shadow of the Main Street working out what to do. I was hoping for some advice from couples who understood.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

People are telling you what to do, talk to your wife and get professional help if necessary. Pushing her towards swinging when there are clearly issues either with her self-esteem or your marriage or both can only end badly.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Get her on here as a single fem. her confidence will soon pick up

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Please enjoy having a go at me. If only life Was so fucking simple hey. We all wander off down dark alleys, some never make it out, I'm still in the shadow of the Main Street working out what to do. I was hoping for some advice from couples who understood. "

OP you're always going to put yourself in the line of fire coming on what is essentially a sex site as a single guy but asking for advice about your wife.... that just kinda goes with the territory.

However you have received advice from a number of females here saying if they felt how you say your wife does, then you being on here is certainly not going to fix things as you say you want to.

What did your wife respond with when you suggested going to swingers clubs? They can be daunting enough for first timers but especially if she's having self conscious thoughts I imagine it didn't go down well?

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By *arksidesubCouple over a year ago

not far from you..

You have every right to ask & be on here why should we judge!..

You simply asked a perfectly reasonable question!..

I hope this gets sorted for you & your wife OP.

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By *ustthe2ofusXXXCouple over a year ago

coventry

Always remember no matter dark the alley is there we will always be the light at the end of it

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you know being on here isn't helping and I think you also know that swinging won't help her either, I think that you're trying to push her into something you want under the pretence of 'helping' her. Obviously that's just my opinion but having been in almost the exact same position I can tell you..... it won't help she'll just think you're a douche bag.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By *arry247Couple over a year ago

Wakefield

Swinging is not the way to mend a marriage.

It can sometimes help build the confidence of someone who has worries about their body but even then the relationship between the partners needs to be strong.

Be awre there will be many knockbacks during swinging and in some cases humiliation and because of this the relationship between the couple needs to be strong.

We would echo what others have said work on your relationship with your wife first before even thinking about swinging as swinging could destroy what you have at present

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think.

Then talk to her about your issues, go to a relationship counsellor. Don't come on a swingers site as a single man and ask for advice on your marriage. It's disrespectful as fuck IMO."

This

if you have problems in your relationship...get them sorted then come back as a couple if that is what she wants. All you are doing here is driving a wedge between yourselves. How would her confidence be if she came across your profile...as a single guy on a swinging site? Maybe you do need a head doctor? You will not find one here!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

OP i work in a club hun n please believe me when i say you could be building a rod for your own back here

If your marriage is in difficulty then swinging is not the way to go as you need to be stable and confident in your relationship before you even think about exploring swinging

i have seen many times cpls where the lady has been persuaded to go down the swinging route by her husband to find the said lady in floods of tears with her little amount of confidence shattered and before you jump on my head guys yes i have also seen cpls who have taken to it like ducks to water and the lady has grown 10 feet in confidence its a double edge sword hun and deffo not a quick fix please think carefully about what you really want here

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By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

The person you really need to communicate with is your wife.

If you are discussing your marriage on sites such as this without her knowledge, that is not a good start. However if she is open to swinging, consider a couples account to which you both have access.

But swinging will not fix a damaged relationship. It can be great for strong relationships.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not sure swinging clubs or the swinging scene are the right places to be at if your wife is insecure. I have no problems with lack of body confidence but if I didthen swinging would be the last thing on my mind. You need to do stuff together as a couple and address these issues first.

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

To be blunt, Confidence isn't built on the compliments of strangers (some of which could just be saying it for the sole purpose of getting into her knickers) all that promotes is a false sense of confidence or in some an undeserving who complex, so in my opinion swinging is the worst idea for someone lacking in self confidence.

No-one can work on her confidence issue but her and it will likely be a long process, the sheer fact you want to enjoy the swinging scene and being with others could be the biggest dent to her confidence, as she no longer feels first and foremost in your life.

Also remember swinging isn't for everyone, monogamy really is more important to some people.

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"To be blunt, Confidence isn't built on the compliments of strangers (some of which could just be saying it for the sole purpose of getting into her knickers) all that promotes is a false sense of confidence or in some an undeserving who complex, so in my opinion swinging is the worst idea for someone lacking in self confidence.

Also remember swinging isn't for everyone, monogamy really is more important to some people."

*ego complex

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By *ath_Neil_bifunCouple over a year ago

near cardiff

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people? "

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

All I will say op is that I'm quite a body confident woman and that confidence comes from having a husband who loves me and makes it clear he finds me attractive, parents who thought and still think I'm blooming lovely to look at and a vivid imagination when it comes to my image

...that confidence is what enables me to be naked in front of other people not the other way round.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though"

I answered his question and said maybe a social could be the best first step if that's what they both wanted to do, but that, along with the advice from many people saying how he could further damage his wife's confidence and potentially their marriage, appears to be falling on deaf ears

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though"

They're giving good advice, a good relationship is based on trust and communication, confidence comes in part from knowing your partner always puts your relationship first and has your back.

Reading the OP's posts and his profile, it's not difficult to see that his focus is on getting what he wants rather than improving his marriage.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though

They're giving good advice, a good relationship is based on trust and communication, confidence comes in part from knowing your partner always puts your relationship first and has your back.

Reading the OP's posts and his profile, it's not difficult to see that his focus is on getting what he wants rather than improving his marriage. "

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So given the thread yesterday where are all those brave heros who said they'd defend newbies from the sharks?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not going to have a go as how does that help anyone , it seems there's a lot of guys who want to live a varied sex life and sometimes struggle approaching their partners or their partners just don't get it and it's a darn shame, no point anyone bashing you for asking advice at least you're trying wether it's right or wrong way in others opinion , if I can offer any advice at all I'm more than happy to and you can message me privately save further bashing

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/07/16 09:45:12]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people? "

Maybe he's talking about the way in which people respond and not the answer he doesn't like but the sharp tone it's delivered with .....just a thought

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So given the thread yesterday where are all those brave heros who said they'd defend newbies from the sharks?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So given the thread yesterday where are all those brave heros who said they'd defend newbies from the sharks?"
..tbh....I can't really see anyone "attacking". The op got a lot of aadvice, maybe not exactly the kind he was looking for. People can be judgemental, unfortunately that's part of the public forums, whether you're a newbie or a seasoned forumite. But really can't see him getting a particularly hardtime.

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By *ischief ManagedCouple over a year ago

manchester

If I had body issues, and you took me to a club where there are all different sizes and shapes to be honest, I'd only be comparing myself to the thin attractive ones and then id be even more pissed off that you had took me there, and were comparing me to the other women. And the fact it's a swingers club. You would shatter her confidence possibly your marriage.

Take her out for a meal, shopping, cinema, treat her to news clothes tell her you love her and she looks amazing, that your proud of her..

Really you need to get off here and concentrate on your relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You've identified that your wife has some confidence issues which is good, but it seems you are only trying to remedy them so you can swing. If your wife is picking up on that, that can only diminish her confidence.

It sounds as though she lacks confidence in your relationship, not just her own body, which given the fact you are trying to meet on here alone is hardly surprising. Women are often very intuitive, she may not know you're here but I'd bet money that she senses something is wrong.

If I was you I'd leave the site and work on your relationship. I suspect she feels your trying to build her confidence is largely because of your ulterior motive, which can only end in disaster. That goes for anyone you might meet too, many of us will have met couples who haven't got things right between themselves before introducing others and it often results in extremely unpleasant situations for all involved.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Is it that you want to go to swinging clubs and your wife doesn't just because of her body confidence? If you want to swing it should be because you both want to,not as a way of gaining confidence for your wife. Is she self conscious with you?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though"

What should people say then? Take her to a couples' home on the pretence they're just having a drink and all strip off?

Go to a club where people with terrible bodies frequent,hoping it makes her feel better about hers?

Force her to go to a club and be naked with strangers in the hope she will suddenly gain a shit load of confidence so they can walk about naked?

His concern is supposedly about her body confidence,being in the company of other naked women isn't necessarily going to make her feel better about her own both. It could make her feel worse.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though

What should people say then? Take her to a couples' home on the pretence they're just having a drink and all strip off?

Go to a club where people with terrible bodies frequent,hoping it makes her feel better about hers?

Force her to go to a club and be naked with strangers in the hope she will suddenly gain a shit load of confidence so they can walk about naked?

His concern is supposedly about her body confidence,being in the company of other naked women isn't necessarily going to make her feel better about her own both. It could make her feel worse. "

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

You are in the right place for advice from people who are in the swinging scene.

For me, she could well have body issues and stripping off in front of people probably isn't her ideal choice...BUT her reluctance could also be she doesn't actually want to swing.

Have a long conversation and ask her to be totally honest of which one it is, then go from there.

If she does fancy it but is wary then maybe play on cam in chat to see if she likes that and wants to take it further.

If she says she doesn't want to swing, accept her wishes.

Good luck

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people? "

That is a lot of twisting there.

He is bound to want to listen to the people who actually answered the question rather than the ones who told him he shouldn't be asking it in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I did answer his question. I would have thought he would have wanted advice from someone that has been his wife's position.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

"I did answer his question. I would have thought he would have wanted advice from someone that has been his wife's position."

You don't need to defend yourself , my comment wasn't relevant to you.

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

PS he hasn't asked for his profile to be discussed and isn't relevant to the OP

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ok, I'm not a good person.

Op plenty of couples only nights, hard to say if they will be quiet or not as every night is different but generally quieter on a week night.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I suggested swinging clubs to my wife, she is self conscious of her body, and I haven't helped wanted to show her that she's beautiful and perfectly normal by way of seeing others not to play but just to socialise and talk to others about sexual exploration. Need some nice couples to help her and me. Wondered if there are quiet couple only events that are good for what we need "

Shaz used to have very little confidence and was extreamly self conscious, since we joined the scene 15 years ago though she's now very happy and confident and happy to walk about a club nude all night

So I do think this scene can help.

I would suggest though making a new account with both of you on it, forget about meeting people for now and start real doing light stuff like maybe just chatrooms, go on cam and so on, and let the confidence build slowly. If she likes cam fun then after a while maybe try a little soft play.

Nobody should be pushed into the scene, if she really done like it after trying a bit of cam fun then you should really respect her wishes and bring the idea to an end.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We recently entered the scene. Through the wife's suggestion rather than mine. We've both had body image issues but some fabs of photos later, a lot of browsing the site and realising while body beautiful to some is the most important thing that most love confidence and people happy in their own skin a whole lot more. Then after an initial terror of 5 minutes at Kestrels both realising that no one gives a damn and those that do appreciate.

Yeah, swinging and the scene can do wonders for how you see yourself

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Yeah,because instead of answering his question they think they have a god given right to not answer,and pass judgement..no surprise on fab though

I'm listening to all of it. And believe it or not some of the negative comments are helping, along with the positive.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"So everyone thats giving you an answer that you don't like aren't good people?

Maybe he's talking about the way in which people respond and not the answer he doesn't like but the sharp tone it's delivered with .....just a thought

Spot on thankyou.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Op try a slightly different approach, don't go diving head first into swinging but suggest that you go on webcams, do a little light flashing and see where it leads.

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By *aptivatingWoman over a year ago

Chester

How about you make a little box and fill it with scraps of paper, on each one something different about why you love her, what you find sexy about her, how much you appreciate her. If you are to blame for knocking her confidence down then do things to help build it back up. I'd probably suggest bringing swinging into things once you start to see more of the old her back.

Good luck!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

at the end of the day no one here knows your wife or you for that matter only you and your wife has the answer if she needs to be push or nudges toward swinging then it wont happen, you need to talk to each other then talk some more as it takes a very strong bond in couples to swing and have a happy marriage at the same time.

no offence to the forums but they are not best placed to advise as they don't know you or your wife so talk to her and then talk more. good luck

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By *uerido55Man over a year ago

Manchester

"If I had body issues, and you took me to a club where there are all different sizes and shapes to be honest, I'd only be comparing myself to the thin attractive ones and then id be even more pissed off that you had took me there, and were comparing me to the other women. And the fact it's a swingers club. You would shatter her confidence possibly your marriage.

Take her out for a meal, shopping, cinema, treat her to news clothes tell her you love her and she looks amazing, that your proud of her..

Really you need to get off here and concentrate on your relationship. "

Absolutely 100% this without a doubt.

Going to a swingers club requires a tremendous amount of confidence and courage particularly if one has body image issues.

I plead with you OP, do not go down this route to build her confidence it is very unlikely to work.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Has she always been insecure or is it new has sec changed. Yes you need to talk but you need to let her feel secure spoil her rotten and take things at her speed you really should not be on here you should be focusing on your wife. Swinging I not a sticking plaster for a relationship x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It is not for me to judge you, OP. I have no knowledge of you or your wife, other than what you have stated.

You do appear to have issues with the sexual side of the relationship as you have joined a swingers' site. Again, I am not judging.

Not everyone wants to swing. Problems in relationships are not usually one-sided. Have you considered asking her what she perceives to be the issues in your relationship and what would make her feel happier and more confident?

Sorry to sound like an agony aunt.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How about you make a little box and fill it with scraps of paper, on each one something different about why you love her, what you find sexy about her, how much you appreciate her. If you are to blame for knocking her confidence down then do things to help build it back up. I'd probably suggest bringing swinging into things once you start to see more of the old her back.

Good luck!

Like this idea, lots of possibilities xx ta

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"To be honest know she doesn't. I ended up here because of sex but I want my marriage to be fixed. Mega conundrum/ confusion / head fuck. Need a head doctor I think. "

I think your miss guided if you think swinging of any kind is a way to "fix" your marriage, you would do better to close your account and spend your energies on the problems your having, being distracted by strangers and what you think they might offer you is very naive and selfish, in my view.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My friend, you are going the wrong way to build her confidence. Treat her az a lady, not as a sexual object. Wine, dine, and romance her. Sex is sex. Love is different do not confuse the two. I wish you luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

It would be interesting to see what the responses would have been like if it had been a female asking the question

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

It would be interesting to see what the responses would have been like if it had been a female asking the question

Pretty much the same, I would imagine.

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By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

"Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

It would be interesting to see what the responses would have been like if it had been a female asking the question

Pretty much the same, I would imagine."

I would have certainly have the same answer

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

It would be interesting to see what the responses would have been like if it had been a female asking the question

I've never seen a woman suggesting that taking her husband with body confidence issues to a club would boost that confidence.

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

Asking how to coerce a wife into swing never goes down well here.

And from what I've seen and read successful couples didn't have to talk each other into it.

What I can't get my head around is how sex would be better as swingers if you're not even having it right now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The worst meets weve ever had were when one half of the couple is obviously forcing the other half into it

always ends with a polite not for us and goodbye

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By *eavenscentitCouple over a year ago

barnstaple

"The worst meets weve ever had were when one half of the couple is obviously forcing the other half into it

always ends with a polite not for us and goodbye "

Same here, we have had crying women, really uncomfortable as the other female

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I love her then keep her off this and try and work on ur relationship

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By *un24youCouple over a year ago

Kent

Swinging is not the way to mend a marriage.

It can sometimes help build the confidence of someone who has worries about their body but even then the relationship between the partners needs to be strong.

Be awre there will be many knockbacks during swinging and in some cases humiliation and because of this the relationship between the couple needs to be strong.

We would echo what others have said work on your relationship with your wife first before even thinking about swinging as swinging could destroy what you have at present "

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By *un24youCouple over a year ago

Kent

Swinging is not the way to mend a marriage.

It can sometimes help build the confidence of someone who has worries about their body but even then the relationship between the partners needs to be strong.

Be awre there will be many knockbacks during swinging and in some cases humiliation and because of this the relationship between the couple needs to be strong.

We would echo what others have said work on your relationship with your wife first before even thinking about swinging as swinging could destroy what you have at present "

Having read this, we totally agree. You need to talk, be strong and confident as a couple or it will never work!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Thanks to all the decent guys that have offered genuine and helpful advice. Fab has good people on it too. Cheers

It would be interesting to see what the responses would have been like if it had been a female asking the question

Pretty much the same, I would imagine."

Nah almost certainly would have been "surprise him with another girl for a threesome"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Asking how to coerce a wife into swing never goes down well here.

And from what I've seen and read successful couples didn't have to talk each other into it.

What I can't get my head around is how sex would be better as swingers if you're not even having it right now."

Absolutely right ! if she won't fuck her hubby then it's time for hubby to move on lol.

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By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

I don't see anyone having a go at the OP...what I see is a lot of advice to the effect that his idea is not a good one.

The person you really need to discuss this with is your wife, but you seem to think you can somehow boost her confidence via swinging without her knowing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My gf was exactly the same when we first started. It took 10 years for our first mff as she always found a excuse like her boobs are bigger or she's slimmer than me.

It took her actually chatting herself to other ladies on here to build her confidence. She found it was actually quite common with newbies and that helped boost her confidence a little.

We went to a club and found most ladies especially those that have had kids were all the same and she got lots of compliments from both sexes. Now she's normally the first to get her clothes off.

Best advice I can give is give her plenty of compliments don't push her into anything and ask her if she will try speaking to people herself on fab.

If she really isn't ready to start swinging don't push her or nag at her because you want to as this will make her worse.

Hope this helps

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By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

I was wondering if the OP's wife has ever expressed an interest in swinging.

If so, then suggest a couples account on here as a start.

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