FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > How to handle guys in clubs?
How to handle guys in clubs?
Jump to: Newest in thread
So, I'd like to get some advice if I may...
I'm the male half of the couple, and I need advice on how to handle other guys in clubs.
We were playing in an open room on Saturday - so do appreciate this - we have the usual voyeurs whilst we play - which is fine.
Then a guy catches our eye and asks to join in - check with partner - yes - so I nod yes.
Now - This is where I cocked up - Another guy that didn't catch our eye started to join in...
At this point I should have said something - but what do I say?
Do I just say "No?" Hand signal etc?
(Let alone the blood in the water to shark effect a few moments later and then suddenly there were *a lot* of uninvited and un-checked hands started flying in...)
Now - Do I just need to be "rude" to the other guys *NO* and back off?
(It's my fault being a nice guy, but it's not my body that's getting pawed at!)
So - Is it just a case of a firm "NO" that I need to do? Or what?
I still consider myself new to clubs - but I would never dream of touching without invitation, personally (but is that the wrong attitude to assume, that others work the same way?)
I am mightily annoyed and disappointed with myself, as it was our first time to play in many months, and it was the last time to play for a year or more, so I'd been really looking forward to a night of fun.
:-/
Do I just need to go on assertiveness training?
Cheers
Flames |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *ndykinkyMan
over a year ago
STOKE-ON-TRENT |
You should have been more assertive, you consented to the one guy joining in but not the others.
You could have stopped what you were doing and explained that you only wanted the one other man to join you but you were happy for the others to watch and maybe join in later.
Not easy I know but don't let the one incident put you off. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
You both should have said something if your partner wasn't comfortable. By not saying no they think they are welcome. What would you have done if they did more than touch her? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission 
Never assume!
Flames |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames"
It's not your fault at all, it's the 95% of single guys in clubs who think that they can just pile in and be disrespectful.
We come across this all the time and, on more than one occasion, I've had to threaten physical violence when several No's have been ignored.
This is why we pretty much ignore the public play rooms and stick to the couples rooms or the private rooms. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames"
Don't beat yourself up. You were being polite and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Saying "no" is ok. I agree with what Andykinky said above.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To be fair to the guys they probably thought it was ok for them to touch too.
None of us are mind readers. Yes they should ask but some people are happy for others to pile on. You just have to explain your boundaries. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Lesson learned, mate. Don't beat yourself up - no major harm done by the sounds of it.
Someone already asked how your OH reacted, and I'm interested to know that as well.
Whatevs. Rogue's about right though: I've had to physically put myself between the women I was playing with and the gaggle of guys who weren't invited and do the whole 'manly bit'. Worked a treat, but it should never have to come to that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Lesson learned, mate. Don't beat yourself up - no major harm done by the sounds of it.
Someone already asked how your OH reacted, and I'm interested to know that as well.
"
Re OH - Not happy - so hence play stopped and we went home.
But indeed, appears I have to supervise and not join in, should we engage in open area play again.
Shall re - read this thread next year to remind myself!
Flames |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
In the same vein when we are playing I'm always aware of others in the room when there's a few guys about.
If we give one permission to play and any others go to join in I politely inform him 'you don't have permission to play, sorry' if he persists then I say 'to be clear that was a polite NO make me repeat it and management will be involved'.
Never really had anyone go further than that. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Lesson learned, mate. Don't beat yourself up - no major harm done by the sounds of it.
Someone already asked how your OH reacted, and I'm interested to know that as well.
Re OH - Not happy - so hence play stopped and we went home.
But indeed, appears I have to supervise and not join in, should we engage in open area play again.
Shall re - read this thread next year to remind myself!
Flames"
That's a real shame but don't let it put you off. It certainly doesn't mean you should only watch and not be involved as well, a lot of the time a simple hand gesture and a quiet no is enough. If too many hands start to jump in I often request they all back off a bit as they're getting a bit close so your OH could have found her voice a bit too if she wasn't happy. Open play rooms can be a lot of fun if you enjoy the thrill of being watched, maybe next time when the room fills just say you're happy for everyone to watch but no touching please and then everyone is clear. When you invite someone say "just you" or "only one for now" possibly will help? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You should have been more assertive, you consented to the one guy joining in but not the others.
You could have stopped what you were doing and explained that you only wanted the one other man to join you but you were happy for the others to watch and maybe join in later.
Not easy I know but don't let the one incident put you off. "
No - it's not up to him to be more assertive. He wasn't the one at fault.
It was the fault of the rude prick who joined in without permission. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just look them in the eye and say no thanks. Don't worry about offending if they are so rude to presume they can just start playing then politeness goes out the window.
But I do wonder if you invited 1 guy over did the other one maybe think you meant him? Was there any room for doubt? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Just cary a knife an threaten to cut their dicks of. Problem solved
Seriously though people should be vocal about what they want without being shy. Otherwise th whole experience is ruined. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Oh dear, you need to have a thick skin in these places and be on your guard.
A simple "No, we only invited HIM" would've sufficed (if it didn't, you've already made your feelings clear and could've involved management).
Shame it ruined your night but I guess it's a lesson learned.
Don't be afraid to use your voice! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
Like I mailed you a simple no.....though I always say thank you for a couple or group letting me watch, and compliments go a long way even though you don't play that night people rember you and say your a decent bloke
Last night I had an akward moment chatting to female of couple going really well, mentioned before they left the bar ooo of you play open room I would like to watch if that's ok - husband was a bit well we are arnegoing to chill and even though he no thanks not a problem to watch I felt that was an issue -
But the felt cold sholder rest of the evening
Which is fine but that happens I have learnt that I didn't touch and I asked and done the right thing |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Hi,
Saying a firm no as others have said should suffice.
We were in the same position on Friday. In the end management had to be called. Yes it ruined the night and we left. Seems lots of guys. Just don't understand swing etiquette these days. But there are lots of guys out there that are great and respectful to. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Like I mailed you a simple no.....though I always say thank you for a couple or group letting me watch, and compliments go a long way even though you don't play that night people rember you and say your a decent bloke
Last night I had an akward moment chatting to female of couple going really well, mentioned before they left the bar ooo of you play open room I would like to watch if that's ok - husband was a bit well we are arnegoing to chill and even though he no thanks not a problem to watch I felt that was an issue -
But the felt cold sholder rest of the evening
Which is fine but that happens I have learnt that I didn't touch and I asked and done the right thing "
Just jumping in. Fantastic a guy who says thankyou afterwards. Not many do. In our experience  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames"
It's not your fault! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It is not your fault but this is the real world and you need to be more assertive. In most cases assertive does not mean being as aggressive other people have pointed out.
You don't let bad drivers stop you from driving but you do on occaisons have to drive defensively.
In regard to the standard complaints about single guys l personally believe you should always ask before you touch or watch a public scene.
However my experience as a single guy is that for all the people that complain about touching there are far more that allow a free for all. I am not saying this is the way it should be done l am only stating what l have seen.
Also I have attended clubs as a couple with friends from time to time and have found couples can be as bad as singles. I have had couples interrupting scenes and being completely insensitive. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
OH here!
Flames.....
As I have told you MANY times, it was not your fault! We invited one guy to join in and it was the other rude bastards that made me uncomfortable and ruined the atmosphere. I'm sorry it killed the buzz and we went home but we will have other nights. It's not the end.
I know you feel you should have been more assertive but let's be honest - I'm quite assertive enough for both of us! And your wonderful, kind, sensitive nature is one of the many reasons I love you so much.
Now pull yourself together man and smile!
Phoenix
x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OH here!
Flames.....
As I have told you MANY times, it was not your fault! We invited one guy to join in and it was the other rude bastards that made me uncomfortable and ruined the atmosphere. I'm sorry it killed the buzz and we went home but we will have other nights. It's not the end.
I know you feel you should have been more assertive but let's be honest - I'm quite assertive enough for both of us! And your wonderful, kind, sensitive nature is one of the many reasons I love you so much.
Now pull yourself together man and smile!
Phoenix
x"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You should of told the uninvited guy NO plain and simple.Or the uninvited guy should have kept his hands to himself. "
That's the correct answer you should be enjoying yourself if you a nice guy why change for a few idiots who think it's a hall pass . They should be asking you and your other half first if it was OK as manners don't cost anything |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ndykinkyMan
over a year ago
STOKE-ON-TRENT |
To be a little bit fair to the uninvited guy, when the OP waved one man over it may have been misinterpreted as a sign for anyone to join in.
So a quick, sorry I only meant for the one man to join in could have cleared things up and everything would have been fine. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"To be a little bit fair to the uninvited guy, when the OP waved one man over it may have been misinterpreted as a sign for anyone to join in.
So a quick, sorry I only meant for the one man to join in could have cleared things up and everything would have been fine."
Just to clarify... The first guy who tried to join in uninvited was over the other side of the room when the guy we liked asked if he could touch and was told yes. Then the other guy just came over and joined in too. Then another guy walked in the room and just tried to move the guy we liked out of the way to join in. This wasn't guys misunderstanding. They were just plain rude. Which is why I stopped it.
Phoenix. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames"
If you're not comfortable saying no. Try the couple only rooms or indeed couple only nights. But I've seen and heard a lot of guys being told no and it's never been a problem. I've only seen them back off straight away |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
"To be a little bit fair to the uninvited guy, when the OP waved one man over it may have been misinterpreted as a sign for anyone to join in.
So a quick, sorry I only meant for the one man to join in could have cleared things up and everything would have been fine.
Just to clarify... The first guy who tried to join in uninvited was over the other side of the room when the guy we liked asked if he could touch and was told yes. Then the other guy just came over and joined in too. Then another guy walked in the room and just tried to move the guy we liked out of the way to join in. This wasn't guys misunderstanding. They were just plain rude. Which is why I stopped it.
Phoenix."
Damn right as well I have had to have words with guys before when they have done something similar bang out of order |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames
If you're not comfortable saying no. Try the couple only rooms or indeed couple only nights. But I've seen and heard a lot of guys being told no and it's never been a problem. I've only seen them back off straight away "
I appreciate that we can say no and the guys did back off when we did. But the point is, people should have some respect. We're all there to have fun and constantly having to ask people to back off and be on our guards to make sure we stop people before they join in uninvited is a massive turn off. If people behaved a little more appropriately and asked before joining in then it would be easy to enjoy the situation but as it was, I couldn't relax. That's not me being too uncomfortable with the open setting - I love to put on a show - that's just people being rude. The second guy walked in the room and was between my thighs within seconds without even acknowledging us. Seriously not ok!
As for using the private rooms instead - we do sometimes but we like to use the equipment in the dungeon which is open. And to be honest, why the hell should we be restricted to private rooms? The problem is people being disrespectful and thinking if a woman is in a club she's fair game. Well I'm not and I'll damn well tell any man that thinks so! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames
It's not your fault at all, it's the 95% of single guys in clubs who think that they can just pile in and be disrespectful.
We come across this all the time and, on more than one occasion, I've had to threaten physical violence when several No's have been ignored.
This is why we pretty much ignore the public play rooms and stick to the couples rooms or the private rooms. "
Its a sad fact , most guys just assume. Have little respect and no manners . |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm getting a sign painted for our next club visit.....
"If it gets too close without permission I'll snap it off. You have been warned!!!  ""
that made me chuckle. Bless the pair of you, your message to your partner made me melt *loves*
I think sometimes people need to relearn respect and what entitlement is, hopefully you decide to play again and find the rest of them aren't so disrespectful some people just lose their heads ...or think with their 'head' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
As for using the private rooms instead - we do sometimes but we like to use the equipment in the DUNGEON which is open. And to be honest, why the hell should we be restricted to private rooms? The problem is people being disrespectful and thinking if a woman is in a club she's fair game. Well I'm not and I'll damn well tell any man that thinks so!"
(My caps for emphasis)
Given the location the presumption that the male partner has control over who if anybody gets involved would seem reasonable.
It is relatively easy to say no, especially if you have experienced the consequences of worrying about giving offense, but correctly your primary concern is your partners happiness.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
As for using the private rooms instead - we do sometimes but we like to use the equipment in the DUNGEON which is open. And to be honest, why the hell should we be restricted to private rooms? The problem is people being disrespectful and thinking if a woman is in a club she's fair game. Well I'm not and I'll damn well tell any man that thinks so!
(My caps for emphasis)
Given the location the presumption that the male partner has control over who if anybody gets involved would seem reasonable.
It is relatively easy to say no, especially if you have experienced the consequences of worrying about giving offense, but correctly your primary concern is your partners happiness.
"
Whatever room we are playing in, people have no right to assume anything. I don't think that your presumption is reasonable at all - it's ok, do what you want because the Dom will stop it if its not cool?! It's attitudes like yours that are the reason I prefer the fet scene - at a fet club no one would dream of joining in uninvited.
As I've said before, I am capable of saying no and I did. But I shouldn't have to. People should be decent enough to ask first.
The simple fact is, touching without permission is sexual assault and the sooner people understand that and the consequences the better. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *lighty1Woman
over a year ago
You Dont Need to Know, right now |
OP - sorry to hear that you had problems with single guys touching without being invited, and well done for slapping them back, even though it meant the end of your own fun.
However, to the posters who said "95% of single men" and "most single men"... it's simply not true that the majority of single men are a problem, in well-run clubs. I've been to several clubs on my own, for several years, and only twice have I had to call the management in, to enforce the rules. Single men get a bad reputation, which isn't deserved. I feel sorry for them, sometimes, as they have to identify whether a lady has invited a gang-bang, or just invited ONE other man to join in. While they're thinking about asking for permission to play, they're risking getting pushed to back of the gang-bang queue.
I'm not defending people who touch without asking - anyone who tries that with me gets slapped away immediately. However, there are ways of not-so-subtly getting exactly what I want. I find that chatting in the bar with several single guys and saying "when I'm playing you can watch if you want, but you can't join in" gets the message across clearly - to the extent that the single guys remind each other of my rules, if anyone is getting too close.
The trick is to be quite blunt about it. Men will always hope that they're going to 'get lucky', so being straight-to-the-point is better than trying to be subtle and polite. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
@Flirty1
Yes I totally agree, the vast majority of guys are very respectful. And one of the reasons we don't tend to go in couples/ private rooms is that we like single guys. But as much as we don't mind them watching, we are quote selective of who we actually play with.
Before I met Flames I went to clubs as a single girl and had very few problems. And that night the room was full of people and it was only two that overstepped the mark. The problem is that I'm a little bit highly strung and that was enough to piss me off and make me not want to play again that night.
But we'll definitely be back in the future. And I like your suggestion of talking in the bar first and letting them know the boundaries so they can police each other. Will give that a try.
X |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OH here!
Flames.....
As I have told you MANY times, it was not your fault! We invited one guy to join in and it was the other rude bastards that made me uncomfortable and ruined the atmosphere. I'm sorry it killed the buzz and we went home but we will have other nights. It's not the end.
I know you feel you should have been more assertive but let's be honest - I'm quite assertive enough for both of us! And your wonderful, kind, sensitive nature is one of the many reasons I love you so much.
Now pull yourself together man and smile!
Phoenix
x"
Awww.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OP - sorry to hear that you had problems with single guys touching without being invited, and well done for slapping them back, even though it meant the end of your own fun.
However, to the posters who said "95% of single men" and "most single men"... it's simply not true that the majority of single men are a problem, in well-run clubs. I've been to several clubs on my own, for several years, and only twice have I had to call the management in, to enforce the rules. Single men get a bad reputation, which isn't deserved. I feel sorry for them, sometimes, as they have to identify whether a lady has invited a gang-bang, or just invited ONE other man to join in. While they're thinking about asking for permission to play, they're risking getting pushed to back of the gang-bang queue.
I'm not defending people who touch without asking - anyone who tries that with me gets slapped away immediately. However, there are ways of not-so-subtly getting exactly what I want. I find that chatting in the bar with several single guys and saying "when I'm playing you can watch if you want, but you can't join in" gets the message across clearly - to the extent that the single guys remind each other of my rules, if anyone is getting too close.
The trick is to be quite blunt about it. Men will always hope that they're going to 'get lucky', so being straight-to-the-point is better than trying to be subtle and polite."
I went with a female friend to a club on a week night and there was tons of single men patrolling the whole place cock in hand,it was like a train station we just sat down in the cinema are and there was atleast 6 men waiting for us do something we kept them waiting for 15 mins laughed and went to the bar to grab a drink and got a private room I wouldn't play with single men around its like a zebra to a pack of lions   |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OP - sorry to hear that you had problems with single guys touching without being invited, and well done for slapping them back, even though it meant the end of your own fun.
However, to the posters who said "95% of single men" and "most single men"... it's simply not true that the majority of single men are a problem, in well-run clubs. I've been to several clubs on my own, for several years, and only twice have I had to call the management in, to enforce the rules. Single men get a bad reputation, which isn't deserved. I feel sorry for them, sometimes, as they have to identify whether a lady has invited a gang-bang, or just invited ONE other man to join in. While they're thinking about asking for permission to play, they're risking getting pushed to back of the gang-bang queue.
I'm not defending people who touch without asking - anyone who tries that with me gets slapped away immediately. However, there are ways of not-so-subtly getting exactly what I want. I find that chatting in the bar with several single guys and saying "when I'm playing you can watch if you want, but you can't join in" gets the message across clearly - to the extent that the single guys remind each other of my rules, if anyone is getting too close.
The trick is to be quite blunt about it. Men will always hope that they're going to 'get lucky', so being straight-to-the-point is better than trying to be subtle and polite. I went with a female friend to a club on a week night and there was tons of single men patrolling the whole place cock in hand,it was like a train station we just sat down in the cinema are and there was atleast 6 men waiting for us do something we kept them waiting for 15 mins laughed and went to the bar to grab a drink and got a private room I wouldn't play with single men around its like a zebra to a pack of lions "
*area |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ndykinkyMan
over a year ago
STOKE-ON-TRENT |
"To be a little bit fair to the uninvited guy, when the OP waved one man over it may have been misinterpreted as a sign for anyone to join in.
So a quick, sorry I only meant for the one man to join in could have cleared things up and everything would have been fine.
Just to clarify... The first guy who tried to join in uninvited was over the other side of the room when the guy we liked asked if he could touch and was told yes. Then the other guy just came over and joined in too. Then another guy walked in the room and just tried to move the guy we liked out of the way to join in. This wasn't guys misunderstanding. They were just plain rude. Which is why I stopped it.
Phoenix."
In that case you were quite right to stop things. At my local Club, if regulars had seen this happen they would have stepped in to help. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
OP: I know exactly what you mean, but if "NO" sounds too abrupt or impolite, how about "Not yet" or "Just this guy for now, please" as openers. This makes it sound as though, if the others behave, they might be invited to join in later. Also the threat of stopping play sometimes gets the majority of reasonable men help deal with the troublesome one.
Good luck next time, I'm sure you'll be fine.
Mr ddc |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames
If you're not comfortable saying no. Try the couple only rooms or indeed couple only nights. But I've seen and heard a lot of guys being told no and it's never been a problem. I've only seen them back off straight away
I appreciate that we can say no and the guys did back off when we did. But the point is, people should have some respect. We're all there to have fun and constantly having to ask people to back off and be on our guards to make sure we stop people before they join in uninvited is a massive turn off. If people behaved a little more appropriately and asked before joining in then it would be easy to enjoy the situation but as it was, I couldn't relax. That's not me being too uncomfortable with the open setting - I love to put on a show - that's just people being rude. The second guy walked in the room and was between my thighs within seconds without even acknowledging us. Seriously not ok!
As for using the private rooms instead - we do sometimes but we like to use the equipment in the dungeon which is open. And to be honest, why the hell should we be restricted to private rooms? The problem is people being disrespectful and thinking if a woman is in a club she's fair game. Well I'm not and I'll damn well tell any man that thinks so!"
Ive never come across this which club was it ? It's concerning that's for sure |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
" Ive never come across this which club was it ? It's concerning that's for sure "
I'd rather not say as it was the fault of a couple of individuals, not the club. We've had some great nights in there and this behaviour isn't common. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Being a huge fan of the swing and also enjoy BDSM play in the dungeon I've had guys step forward when not asked to! I find a firm 'you can watch and wank only' tends to work and if they don't step back they're told in no uncertain terms too. I've also had my arse cracked my the male half of a couple in the couples changing room to which he got the sharp end of my tounge followed by a strong talking too by security! At the end of the day it's my body and any issues in a club I report straight away and have had guys asked to leave for being dis-respectful after all the club don't need the hassle of them in there. Just out of curiosity did you report the incident? There may have been CCTV and the idiots could have been asked to leave and let everyone enjoy their night? From a single fem point of view 'no means no' and if they don't understand that I will inform management xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"@ Dirty filthy milf
No we didn't report them as they did back off when told. If they'd not done then I would have spoken to management (and directed them to the blokes with black eyes!)"
Even though they backed off they still tried to join without an invite which is just as bad as it spoilt your night and you left early! If people don't tell management what's happened there's nothing to stop them doing it again and maybe next time not stopping when asked too, we all have to think about our own and others security and safety  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, I'd like to get some advice if I may...
I'm the male half of the couple, and I need advice on how to handle other guys in clubs.
We were playing in an open room on Saturday - so do appreciate this - we have the usual voyeurs whilst we play - which is fine.
Then a guy catches our eye and asks to join in - check with partner - yes - so I nod yes.
Now - This is where I cocked up - Another guy that didn't catch our eye started to join in...
At this point I should have said something - but what do I say?
Do I just say "No?" Hand signal etc?
(Let alone the blood in the water to shark effect a few moments later and then suddenly there were *a lot* of uninvited and un-checked hands started flying in...)
Now - Do I just need to be "rude" to the other guys *NO* and back off?
(It's my fault being a nice guy, but it's not my body that's getting pawed at!)
So - Is it just a case of a firm "NO" that I need to do? Or what?
I still consider myself new to clubs - but I would never dream of touching without invitation, personally (but is that the wrong attitude to assume, that others work the same way?)
I am mightily annoyed and disappointed with myself, as it was our first time to play in many months, and it was the last time to play for a year or more, so I'd been really looking forward to a night of fun.
:-/
Do I just need to go on assertiveness training?
Cheers
Flames"
I have had this a few times
I find a lot of guys like to slip stream off others guys manners, they wait for somebody else to be polite and ask then think it's a free for all if you say yes
If this happens to me I simply say....ermm I didn't say yes to you
Nothing else needs to be said |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
"So,
Lesson learn't...
Assertiveness lessons downloading...
It'd serve me better in life anyway as I am a pushover and can't say no.
Just need to stop it wrecking my head now...
Flames"
You sound a lovely sensitive and sensible couple. The other guys presuming they could join in were completely in the wrong. It's sad the incident happened, but now with some new strategies learned to help prevent a repeat and some assertiveness training being undertaken, I hope you will soon resume club fun with confidence.
You should be able to feel relaxed and not be on guard all the time.
Be a little more specific in future and tell the watchers, you don't mind them watching, but you will make it clear when or who you want to join you. If anyone spoils that, play will stop.
Have fun guys. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's very difficult. It's a pity so many men don't understand swing etiquette, and feel that it's ok to crash in uninvited. We too have got ourselves into situations, that perhaps we wouldn't have done had men had the courtesy to ask first. But we're learning fast to keep our wits about us.It's a shame it has to be that way. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Use body language as much as possible, especially from a distance, before they get too close. And either say no or no thanks, if closer. I sometimes put my hand up in a halt/stop signal. Shaking your head is another clear no message. You can also indicate go away, using your hand.
Have a signal with your partner to suspend action, until riff raff cleared out. Potentially get another single guy/people to act as gatekeepers, should you both be otherwise engaged. Use your body to block if the layout works for that too. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"To answer questions, play stopped, night ruined and I know it was my fault, which is why I am so pissed off at myself I think...
(Goes off to Google "assertiveness training in swinging clubs").
But yeah, also my fault to assume people won't touch without asking permission
Never assume!
Flames
It's not your fault at all, it's the 95% of single guys in clubs who think that they can just pile in and be disrespectful.
We come across this all the time and, on more than one occasion, I've had to threaten physical violence when several No's have been ignored.
This is why we pretty much ignore the public play rooms and stick to the couples rooms or the private rooms. "
Wow... Sweeping generalisation there...
In all the times I've played in open rooms in clubs only twice has anyone taken it upon themselves to join in... requiring a polite but firm No...
One of them left at that, the others tried to continue and a not so polite "Get your f*cking hands off me. I wont tell you a third time" eventually had them scuttling off.
Funnily enough, both times it was couples and never a single guy!!  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ouble CCouple
over a year ago
Gran Canaria |
"Personally, I wouldn't allow anyone to touch me who asked my male partner for permission but maybe that's just me..."
this! If they ask my OH he always said to them 'Ask her not me' even when playing with a new guy on my own at a club this happened and he told the guy to ask me first. Brownie points gained there and then!! Miss C. Xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This has happened to us a lot in clubs and a simple "no touching" has always been enough for the guy to stop. I would like to think you would only have to be told once x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Personally, I wouldn't allow anyone to touch me who asked my male partner for permission but maybe that's just me... this! If they ask my OH he always said to them 'Ask her not me' even when playing with a new guy on my own at a club this happened and he told the guy to ask me first. Brownie points gained there and then!! Miss C. Xx"
This creates a 50/50 situation for the guy asking, as I have seen more situations where the single guy asks the female and the the male partner instantly stops anything from developing, than women stopping play where the male partner has been asked for permission to join in. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
"Personally, I wouldn't allow anyone to touch me who asked my male partner for permission but maybe that's just me... this! If they ask my OH he always said to them 'Ask her not me' even when playing with a new guy on my own at a club this happened and he told the guy to ask me first. Brownie points gained there and then!! Miss C. Xx"
I ask both even if it is just watching do you mind -  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"So,
Lesson learn't...
Assertiveness lessons downloading...
It'd serve me better in life anyway as I am a pushover and can't say no.
Just need to stop it wrecking my head now...
Flames"
We only know when things have already happened what we would do differently next time. Don't sweat it.
Next time, just stand up and glare. You're about 50 feet tall and if you looked cross you'd put the willies up 99% of people (pun intended).
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Well I was at a club a few weeks ago with a guy in playroom and it turned into a bloody gay orgy with five guys keen to play with my fb...! They were very pushy and my friend didn't have the guts to tell them to sod off....I was actually relieved on this occasion as I couldn't be bothered playing that day as the room was like an ice box!
I believe they all enjoyed themselves though whilst I beat a retreat into the hot tub! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Of course, the clubs could always try lowering the entry fees for single males, you know, so they don't feel quite so desperate to get their £40-50 worth (or however much they're being scalped these days), thus are less likely to make women and couples feel uncomfortable...but naaaaah, how are the clubs gonna fill their pockets that way eh? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I had someone touch me intimately when I was in the dungeon when my partner had turned his back for a second to get something out of his kit bag.
I was in the swing and felt very vulnerable and accidentally kicked out and kicked him in the nuts. he was offended and said "ok ok you could just have said no" which put the blame on me for over reacting and made me unable to relax.
On the other hand we have had most guys ask and then thank us too afterwards.....
And if I'm in the open room I like guys to join in in a fluid way without lots of talk beforehand. Body language helps here I think |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"To be fair to the guys they probably thought it was ok for them to touch too.
None of us are mind readers. Yes they should ask but some people are happy for others to pile on. You just have to explain your boundaries. "
A lot of guys are very eager and so probably assumed (or took the chance) that the nod meant yes to all. I'd suggest being more pointed with consent - so rather than nodding, say to the guy "would you like to join us?" and make it clear its just that one person for now. Hopefully that'll help |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
A simple NO should be enough but some guys may ignore your No, you just need to be firm about this and some men are just too desperate at parties or club.
However, how are we sure she is not fantasising group fun (mmmmmmfmmmmm) and could it have been you enjoyed watching it happen and you realised they were too much after the fun was over. Trust me I don't mean to be rude in anyway. I personally will ask or wait for invites...Be mindful next time. No what you want and stand by it. It's the etiquette. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
I think there are two ways ask
For the man to ask do you mind if I join you
Also for couple to say yes only you helps make it clear that they only want you
I appreciate that sometimes things are a bit more fluid and it ruins the moment to ask but I think it's a safe thing to don |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, I'd like to get some advice if I may...
I'm the male half of the couple, and I need advice on how to handle other guys in clubs.
We were playing in an open room on Saturday - so do appreciate this - we have the usual voyeurs whilst we play - which is fine.
Then a guy catches our eye and asks to join in - check with partner - yes - so I nod yes.
Now - This is where I cocked up - Another guy that didn't catch our eye started to join in...
At this point I should have said something - but what do I say?
Do I just say "No?" Hand signal etc?
(Let alone the blood in the water to shark effect a few moments later and then suddenly there were *a lot* of uninvited and un-checked hands started flying in...)
Now - Do I just need to be "rude" to the other guys *NO* and back off?
(It's my fault being a nice guy, but it's not my body that's getting pawed at!)
So - Is it just a case of a firm "NO" that I need to do? Or what?
I still consider myself new to clubs - but I would never dream of touching without invitation, personally (but is that the wrong attitude to assume, that others work the same way?)
I am mightily annoyed and disappointed with myself, as it was our first time to play in many months, and it was the last time to play for a year or more, so I'd been really looking forward to a night of fun.
:-/
Do I just need to go on assertiveness training?
Cheers
Flames"
Dude, you have to be explicit. After the one, tell everyone else NO. Simples |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"OH here!
Flames.....
As I have told you MANY times, it was not your fault! We invited one guy to join in and it was the other rude bastards that made me uncomfortable and ruined the atmosphere. I'm sorry it killed the buzz and we went home but we will have other nights. It's not the end.
I know you feel you should have been more assertive but let's be honest - I'm quite assertive enough for both of us! And your wonderful, kind, sensitive nature is one of the many reasons I love you so much.
Now pull yourself together man and smile!
Phoenix
x"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
A firm no usualy works.
If not push his hand away.
Sound and act confident even if it is not how you feel.
It gets easier to do the more you have to do it.
The only time i have stood up and pulled someone off was when a guy in a club put his hand around ocd's throat.
But most guys are so nervous they behave themselves. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
If at any point you or OH was not happy a no or no thank you should do the job if they push and force you to stop playing get up show them the door and shut it leaving only you OH and the guy you want to join you |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *rs DCouple
over a year ago
far |
Its would have helped if your girl just got up and walked away with you and the male to another room.at xtasia single males are not aloud in the play rooms unless invited by a couple think you should try a new club. All the best and sorry to hear this x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A firm "NO" should be suffice.if a guy persists,stop all play with your partner and walk away,though this would be a very rare necessity."
Either that or tell the to fuck off as soon as they open their mouth  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
All of us are different about what we want in clubs. We are clear with each other about what is ok or not, each of us have a 'right of veto' if we don't like someone and we don't 'take one for the team'. So when we are playing in public and someone asks me (m) if the can play with Beth (f), i refer them to her if I think they are ok, or say no if i don't like them. It works pretty well really, after all it is her body and she should have the choice as to who she lets play with her - and vice versa. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
