FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > breaking rules

breaking rules

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

what do you do when your partner breaks the rules and contacts someone to arrange a meet when you havent discussed it properly? feeling totally let down. i have said i am not comfortable with him having seperate meets on his own and im not ready for that. yet find out he has messaged other people and deleted them (found out as theyve replied). Also shared his number.

we arent married. but thought id finally met someone i could trust 100% and pursue some of our fantasies together in a trusting open relationship where we talk through everything.

feeling terrible and gutted.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well, I guess you can't trust your partner then.

So it really depends if that's a dealbreaker for you or not. It would be for me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you would be best talking to him about it.

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By *ELLONS AND CREAMWoman over a year ago

stourbridge area

Hi OP .. you need to talk to him again ....and set up a list of rules you both follow ..else your swinging relationship isnt going to work .. im sure couples who are experienced in this will give u better advice than me ..... but trust is a big part in your relationship when you dip your toe into the world of swinging ... good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It sounds like there's just one person that's important to him and that's him.

From my rubbish experience, it doesn't get better, I'd sack him off and find someone that you can trust.

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By *ensual temptressWoman over a year ago

Southampton

Firstly delete your profile .Second I'd be having a serious talk to your cheating partner .

Then decide if your relationship can move on from this. I wish all the very best and hope you do what's going to be the best for you x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If he's gone outside your pre discussed limits he's cheated on you simple as that. He's not an honourable man, it's up to you if you want to redefine the boundaries or look for someone else to realise your fantasies with. I know what I'd do in your place.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He has probably meet them behind your back anyway? lol.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bin him......feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further. I'm in Worcester so can meet to chat more detail. xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It does say on your profile you meet separately. Is it something you'd discussed doing? Maybe he didn't realise you weren't ready, you should talk to him, not us!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does say on your profile you meet separately. Is it something you'd discussed doing? Maybe he didn't realise you weren't ready, you should talk to him, not us!"

I noticed that in their profile too !

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

as in seperate play same place. I have talked to him. I just thought itd be nice to have some advice from other people who may have been through similar stuff. I dont have any other swinging friends and at present I feel very upset and isolated and cant talk to anyone else about it cos no one else knows I engage in this lifestyle. so thats why i speak to people about it in the forum....

thanks so much the rest of you for your replies x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

also we have recently agreed i can play seperately- this turns him on the thought of me doing this. not actually done it yet. when we agreed that, we agreed he wouldnt ever throw it back in my face and do it himself because it would upset me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes they're right. It says you'll meet separately.

Also he's messaged them from the couple profile you share. Deleting sent messages to single females is nothing ne I do it myself.

Lad has done it the right way. You're moving the goalposts not him.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Id be furious especially as he's deleted the messages so knew he was doing something you wouldn't be happy with.

If he had sent the messages and said look at this how do you feel. Very different.

Only you know if he's just got over excited or whether it's more than that. If he gave them his phone no have you checked his phone for any messages?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Talk to him OP, be clear, concise and unemotional about how you feel. If he can understand and it meets his expectations of what he wants from this then all good. If you want significantly different things, possibly call quits on this phase of Fab. No point doing something that isn't mutually acceptable to both parties.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would say you defo need to talk it through with him, totally understand why you have posted it in here but also remember lots of people will be judgemental without all the facts. On occasion the rules in a relationship can become blurred in this environment, I know I have over stepped the mark in our relationship in the past. The strength we have is we can discuss it and determine the best way forward in the future.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Yes they're right. It says you'll meet separately.

Also he's messaged them from the couple profile you share. Deleting sent messages to single females is nothing ne I do it myself.

Lad has done it the right way. You're moving the goalposts not him."

No We know between ourselves what we are happy about or not happy about. I told him i wasnt happy about him meeting girls on his own and he said thats fine and it was fine for me to meet guys if he could be there or have photos sent to him. we decided at the start to discuss everything before we did it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"as in seperate play same place. I have talked to him. I just thought itd be nice to have some advice from other people who may have been through similar stuff. I dont have any other swinging friends and at present I feel very upset and isolated and cant talk to anyone else about it cos no one else knows I engage in this lifestyle. so thats why i speak to people about it in the forum....

thanks so much the rest of you for your replies x"

I'm not saying don't come here for support, but only by talking to him can you sort it out. We can't tell you the best way forward, you have to do that yourselves.

Did you confront him when you found out? What was his reaction?

Are you sure he was going to meet? Maybe it was just a bit of titillation, getting off on messages, some men do that!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Id be furious especially as he's deleted the messages so knew he was doing something you wouldn't be happy with.

If he had sent the messages and said look at this how do you feel. Very different.

Only you know if he's just got over excited or whether it's more than that. If he gave them his phone no have you checked his phone for any messages?"

no we never check eachothers phones. havent needed to

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

thanks so much the rest of you for your replies x

I'm not saying don't come here for support, but only by talking to him can you sort it out. We can't tell you the best way forward, you have to do that yourselves.

Did you confront him when you found out? What was his reaction?

Are you sure he was going to meet? Maybe it was just a bit of titillation, getting off on messages, some men do that!

The only way to sort it out is to talk to him. No one here will know or have had the same circumstances

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If he gave them his phone no have you checked his phone for any messages?"

The best way to communicate about dishonesty is not to be dishonest! I'd never look at a partners phone. It would be a MASSIVE breech in trust.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

thanks so much the rest of you for your replies x

I'm not saying don't come here for support, but only by talking to him can you sort it out. We can't tell you the best way forward, you have to do that yourselves.

Did you confront him when you found out? What was his reaction?

Are you sure he was going to meet? Maybe it was just a bit of titillation, getting off on messages, some men do that!

It may have been tittilation.but why would he send his number and ask for fun when I had told him saturday that I would feel heartbroken and hurt if he did that to me?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?"

because i didnt agree to it... eg. he wont agree to me playing with his ass. i respect that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

thanks so much the rest of you for your replies x

I'm not saying don't come here for support, but only by talking to him can you sort it out. We can't tell you the best way forward, you have to do that yourselves.

Did you confront him when you found out? What was his reaction?

Are you sure he was going to meet? Maybe it was just a bit of titillation, getting off on messages, some men do that!

It may have been tittilation.but why would he send his number and ask for fun when I had told him saturday that I would feel heartbroken and hurt if he did that to me?"

I don't know why.

Sending a number and asking for fun is hurtful but he hadn't actually met had he? It still didn't mean he was going to go through with it. This is why you need to talk to him, only he knows what he was doing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?

because i didnt agree to it... eg. he wont agree to me playing with his ass. i respect that."

So... if you don't want him to play with others, surely it would be fair for you not to play with others?

Sounds like you have some very deep problems in your relationship based on trust and jealousy. I would try and sort those out first before swinging in any form.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The theme of the thread is to talk to him about it. Good luck op you sound lovely and I hope it works out for you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Definitely food for thought. Thank you. Im well aware I have issues thats why we agreed what we did. Just feel let down.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?

because i didnt agree to it... eg. he wont agree to me playing with his ass. i respect that.

So... if you don't want him to play with others, surely it would be fair for you not to play with others?

Sounds like you have some very deep problems in your relationship based on trust and jealousy. I would try and sort those out first before swinging in any form."

The trouble is wasp hunter, is that I was already dealing with these issues. It is not my fault someone has betrayed my trust end of.

I wouldnt do something which would upset him. So why is it okay for him to to do that to me? Its not unequal its actually being very open and accepting that we like different things and respecting that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If he gave them his phone no have you checked his phone for any messages?

The best way to communicate about dishonesty is not to be dishonest! I'd never look at a partners phone. It would be a MASSIVE breech in trust."

I wouldn't normally advocate this and I certainly don't check my partners phone but given his behaviour I would feel justified in doing so. I'd tell him I'd want him to show me not just be sneaky about it. His reaction would say everything you needed to know

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

So... if you don't want him to play with others, surely it would be fair for you not to play with others?

Sounds like you have some very deep problems in your relationship based on trust and jealousy. I would try and sort those out first before swinging in any form."

Or she may just not want to have her OH meet women on his own. We all have different rules between couples, you can't decide she is wrong for doing that or that she has issues

Why not just accept that is THEIR agreement between each other

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?

because i didnt agree to it... eg. he wont agree to me playing with his ass. i respect that.

So... if you don't want him to play with others, surely it would be fair for you not to play with others?

Sounds like you have some very deep problems in your relationship based on trust and jealousy. I would try and sort those out first before swinging in any form."

For me it seems unequal I would agree but if that's what they had agreed to during discussions then he should respect that. If he isn't happy then he should never have agree in first place.

I guess all of us say the same thing - you need to talk and determine whether he has crossed the line and what you want to do about it

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By *ugby 123Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

O o O oo

To the OP, I would be gutted too if my OH was doing something behind my back especially as this lifestyle is meant to be seen as open between each other.

The only advice is the same as others sorry, have a talk with him.

If you are not comfortable with something in swinging you shouldn't be forced to let it happen just because he lets you do something similar...but all you can do is ask him to discuss your boundaries again

Good luck

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By *iforfun999Man over a year ago

Haverfordwest

When rules are broken, penalties must be paid.

Alternatively, rewrite the rules after further discussions.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?"

Wasphunter, considering you're normally quick to defend the rights of how different relationships can work outside the norm, I'm surprised at your response to this?

I meet separately and my husband doesn't meet separately.

We've both agreed to this. He wants to share me with ther guys and enjoys the thought of me with another guy. He likes me to share photos or video with him of the things I've done. There's even a name for it. It's called hot wifing.

I don't get any sexual pleasure from the idea of him with another woman, so it's not something we've ventured into really. We've discussed it and he's chatted to other women but never met. He thinks I wouldn't be happy and respects that.

OP, you can really only come to terms with this by talking to him. Either you want to stay with him, explain how you feel and redefine some rules again, or leave the relationship.

You do sound incredibly hurt. What's he said in response to you finding the messages?

You can PM me if you want.

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By *oderndaylivesCouple over a year ago

Bristol

I really feel for you. Ive had this scenario before. Sometimes it can turn into a game of chicken almost, where one person feels injured by the other and so goes a step further out of the boundaries and neither really wants to, or some are just greedy. I think the rules should be there, but always up for renegotiation. Nobody can tell you what is right for you, everyone is different. I know some couples who have great relationships playing separately. It doesn't appeal to me, however I have done this, but it was more of a response to finding out the guy had been going to clubs behind my back. Didn't want to split so I just declared it now an open relationship to level the playing field, although I was always open about any meets. He couldn't really argue but didn't like it. It gave me back some confidence but wasn't really what I wanted so I stopped after a while, whereupon he again started secretly going to clubs alone after any argument or imagined reason. We could of course have gone together, but he couldn't actually stand seeing me with anyone else, so its obvious where it's heading! Once the respect is gone, it either kickstarts some serious negotiations or it signals the end. Swinging should never come before a relationship. Hope you get a good outcome x

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

Sounds like it's time for a talk

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

He is the only one that has those answers. How you arrange your boundaries has to be very clear and honest.

I can tell you this though, in swinging it is our experience that if you have a stronger relationship it will make it stronger, if your relationship has cracks already in it when you start it will blow those cracks wide open....

Completely open and honest communication or it will not work for very long at all.

Good luck xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"He is the only one that has those answers. How you arrange your boundaries has to be very clear and honest.

Completely open and honest communication or it will not work for very long at all.

Good luck xxx"

Perfect quote!

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By *radleyandRavenCouple over a year ago

Herts

...OH dear...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"what do you do when your partner breaks the rules and contacts someone to arrange a meet when you havent discussed it properly? feeling totally let down. i have said i am not comfortable with him having seperate meets on his own and im not ready for that. yet find out he has messaged other people and deleted them (found out as theyve replied). Also shared his number.

we arent married. but thought id finally met someone i could trust 100% and pursue some of our fantasies together in a trusting open relationship where we talk through everything.

feeling terrible and gutted."

Firstly, really sorry to hear that. Been there and it sucks.

Secondly, unless he didn't understand the ground rules you'd agreed, he's shown you he can't be trusted. My initial thought is, he'll do it again (as mine did), he'll just hide it better.

If you stuck to what you'd agreed, you deserve the same from your partner....don't you think?

Good luck with whatever you decide. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If he deleted the messages, how do you not know that it was a meet planned for you both?

Maybe he deleted the messages as the thought of you reading a message, where he is telling another girl that she looks good might upset you

He could have been areanging for a meet but seperate room

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By *hoenixcouplexxCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

"If he deleted the messages, how do you not know that it was a meet planned for you both?

Maybe he deleted the messages as the thought of you reading a message, where he is telling another girl that she looks good might upset you

He could have been areanging for a meet but seperate room "

I'm sorry but if you can't handle your partner complementing a member of the other sex you have no business swinging, you are not emotionally ready.

When it's a couple the moment you start hiding stuff it's the beginning of the end...

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By *ENDAROOSCouple over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

"If he deleted the messages, how do you not know that it was a meet planned for you both?

Maybe he deleted the messages as the thought of you reading a message, where he is telling another girl that she looks good might upset you

He could have been areanging for a meet but seperate room "

If your a site supporter then the whole conversation is chained together.

So if you delete a message and someone replies to it at a later date, you can still see exactly what's been discussed previously.

I'm guessing that's how she knows.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If he deleted the messages, how do you not know that it was a meet planned for you both?

Maybe he deleted the messages as the thought of you reading a message, where he is telling another girl that she looks good might upset you

He could have been areanging for a meet but seperate room "
she saw the replies

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ask if he wants to rip up the rules and do whatever he wants. I gave someone that option after he declared he wanted a monogamous relationship. Turns out he was happy to go off and have sex with other women after all.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bin him......feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further. I'm in Worcester so can meet to chat more detail. xx"

Looking for sympathy sex is not a good look....

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By *reenEyedWifeCouple over a year ago

Market Harborough

"...

It may have been tittilation.but why would he send his number and ask for fun when I had told him saturday that I would feel heartbroken and hurt if he did that to me?"

Because the person most important to him is HIM.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If he deleted the messages, how do you not know that it was a meet planned for you both?

Maybe he deleted the messages as the thought of you reading a message, where he is telling another girl that she looks good might upset you

He could have been areanging for a meet but seperate room

I'm sorry but if you can't handle your partner complementing a member of the other sex you have no business swinging, you are not emotionally ready.

When it's a couple the moment you start hiding stuff it's the beginning of the end..."
he wasn't just complementing her he was trying to arrange a meet behind her back

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bin him......feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further. I'm in Worcester so can meet to chat more detail. xx

Looking for sympathy sex is not a good look....

Couldn't agree more, what a totally inappropriate reply , like a vulture hovering

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By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

The Wild Wetness

"If he gave them his phone no have you checked his phone for any messages?

The best way to communicate about dishonesty is not to be dishonest! I'd never look at a partners phone. It would be a MASSIVE breech in trust."

I don't check my partners phone but we can and do access each others phones.

It would not occur to me to have something that she could not share. Whether that be to take a pic or answer a call if I'm busy or driving.

To check up on each other to me indicates a lack of trust. But to me it would show a lack of trust to keep something like my phone prohibited from my other half.

Just goes to show how we all view the world differently.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Bin him......feel free to PM me if you wish to talk further. I'm in Worcester so can meet to chat more detail. xx

Looking for sympathy sex is not a good look....

Couldn't agree more, what a totally inappropriate reply , like a vulture hovering

haha i havent met them for a chat or anything else for that matter

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In all honesty - at the least OP, I would be having a serious chat with your OH and maybe agreeing to call time on swinging for a while as it sounds like it's currently causing more pain than pleasure.

At the most, I'd consider having a break from him full stop. He sounds unfaithful, and as far as I'm aware honesty and trust should be a big part in a swinging relationship.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Personally I'd bail on him but I'm a callus bastard these days.

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By *uvesmuffinCouple over a year ago

Barking

"also we have recently agreed i can play seperately- this turns him on the thought of me doing this. not actually done it yet. when we agreed that, we agreed he wouldnt ever throw it back in my face and do it himself because it would upset me."
So it is ok for him but not you? But on the other hand if he is going behind your back without discussion, married or not he would have to go for me, plenty out there that would behave.

Her

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have a similar but different problem

My wife has txt/kik/wassap messages all day from 7am til 2am

Phone calls, one as late as 3am

Told her need rules, agreed but they went out window.

Bottom line is in your case, he feels it is his right to do as he wants.

Talk to him, see what he says

But there comes a time to draw a line in the sand and say cross it if you don't care

Do hope you get things sorted love

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he?"
.Yea was gonna ask the same ...bit weird that u can and he can't ..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I understand that many people do work this kind of unequal situation work, but it doesn't seem very fair to me. If you are allowed to meet separately, why isn't he? .Yea was gonna ask the same ...bit weird that u can and he can't .."

Becuse it sounds like he wants her to meet seperately.

He gets off on the idea of it and being sent pictures/descriptions

She doesnt get off on the idea of him meeting seperatley.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Becuse it sounds like he wants her to meet seperately.

He gets off on the idea of it and being sent pictures/descriptions

She doesnt get off on the idea of him meeting seperatley.

This. So many people seem to think if one is meeting, the other half of the couple should be allowed to. Well, not if its not a turn on for the one staying at home?

It's like saying people in a Dom/Sub relationship should switch 50% of the time or it's not fair. And that's just not true

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By *eardsandboobsCouple over a year ago

north of lincoln

Definately you should be on this site and still be actively looking , you've posted a meet up and get you have all these issues floating about. I would be annoyed if we had arranged to meet you not having read this and then you both kicked off over jealousy issues .

Does he know you have put this on the forums ? Isn't this doing something behind his back if he is unaware . As you are publicly shaming him

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Becuse it sounds like he wants her to meet seperately.

He gets off on the idea of it and being sent pictures/descriptions

She doesnt get off on the idea of him meeting seperatley.

"
...everybody to there own ..

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By *andomfodCouple over a year ago

walsall

"Firstly delete your profile .Second I'd be having a serious talk to your cheating partner .

Then decide if your relationship can move on from this. I wish all the very best and hope you do what's going to be the best for you x"

This. Delete the profile and decide if the relationship is worth saving or not. That's before you evenue think about swinging again.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Definately you should be on this site and still be actively looking , you've posted a meet up and get you have all these issues floating about. I would be annoyed if we had arranged to meet you not having read this and then you both kicked off over jealousy issues .

Does he know you have put this on the forums ? Isn't this doing something behind his back if he is unaware . As you are publicly shaming him "

yes he is fully aware as we share the profile. yes he is aware i have posted a meet because we discussed it and both want this to happen. i am not publically shaming him i asked for advice a week ago about a miscommunication between us which i believe is not an unusual situation hoping for advice and support of how to move on from it. so thanks for your advice

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Does he know you have put this on the forums ? Isn't this doing something behind his back if he is unaware . As you are publicly shaming him "

no one is going to kick off

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Becuse it sounds like he wants her to meet seperately.

He gets off on the idea of it and being sent pictures/descriptions

She doesnt get off on the idea of him meeting seperatley.

This. So many people seem to think if one is meeting, the other half of the couple should be allowed to. Well, not if its not a turn on for the one staying at home?

It's like saying people in a Dom/Sub relationship should switch 50% of the time or it's not fair. And that's just not true"

yes thanks crazy hot wife this is what the arrangement/agreement was. i dont think people get it.

hey ho

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