FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Are we just not forward enough.
Are we just not forward enough.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ok so we are a couple who are new to the scene but want everything it has to offer. We are quite shy so don't know if we are doing things wrong. Our first meet was with a couple. Which was a social that turned into a soft swap. Our second was at VA last night and we felt lost and didn't know how to interact with people. We did smile a lot and were first in the hot tub and to play after. We then had a soft swap with another couple and again the same thing, the guys seem to tell their partner to do things and they Oblige. Is this the norm? Or is this because we weren't being forward enough and going too slow for these guys? Any help would be greatly appreciated because once we had finished playing K(her) felt like she wanted to leave and didn't enjoy herself as much as if things had just happened. |
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I've found the best thing to do is look to make friends and then see what happens. I'm not really direct and I am quite shy when it comes to sex but as I'm chatting away to people all night at party's I tend to get a lot of invites to have some fun.
That's just what I find works for me. Best advice I can give is keep trying things till you find what works for you. It might be a bit frustrating but it'll work out for use at one point xxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A little confused as to what the issue is really but if i'm reading it correctly you had a couple of meets that only went to soft swap level and you felt like with the other couple the woman was being put in a situation she wasn't happy to be in and that spoiled the mood for your partner K?
Px
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A little confused as to what the issue is really but if i'm reading it correctly you had a couple of meets that only went to soft swap level and you felt like with the other couple the woman was being put in a situation she wasn't happy to be in and that spoiled the mood for your partner K?
Px
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No, the guy seemed to want to control the whole situation. I wondered is that was normal. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can find it tough to approach others too but at least we have each other to play with if nothing else happens "
Yeah we did have lots of fun alone and also watching others which was totally fantastic. Something we both really enjoyed. Xx |
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"Chat more before play?
Thanks, I didn't know how to start the conversation or how to approach people and when I did try I got nothing back. Xx"
If you got nothing back then there was not enough connection or commonality there to move onto play that would meet what you're looking for.
Say hi, ask if they're a regular at the club, what type of things they like, tell them what you're hoping to find. If it's the same it'll become clear. Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Chat more before play?
Thanks, I didn't know how to start the conversation or how to approach people and when I did try I got nothing back. Xx
If you got nothing back then there was not enough connection or commonality there to move onto play that would meet what you're looking for.
Say hi, ask if they're a regular at the club, what type of things they like, tell them what you're hoping to find. If it's the same it'll become clear. Good luck x"
Hey thanks for that!! That's really really helpful  . Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes! Very normal - lots of guys want to see certain things happen, with, or to their partner especially with regard to bi play. They can get bossy, and try to 'direct' proceedings. A pet hate for me lol (fem) |
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We can symphathise with your predicament. Our first meet was at a private party and we were not sure of the protocol. But our hostess was a lovely person and led BS up for some girly fun, before I joined in. Usually we find at parties it is best to socialise with people you fancy and just go with the flow.
We have found some great couples on here and although we are not in each other's pockets daily, we do keep in regular contact with them and arrange meets at each other's places. Take your time to know people first and this will help you find the right people for you. It is not a race.
Happy Swinging xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes! Very normal - lots of guys want to see certain things happen, with, or to their partner especially with regard to bi play. They can get bossy, and try to 'direct' proceedings. A pet hate for me lol (fem)"
Yeah I have got to agree with that!! Totally!! Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We can symphathise with your predicament. Our first meet was at a private party and we were not sure of the protocol. But our hostess was a lovely person and led BS up for some girly fun, before I joined in. Usually we find at parties it is best to socialise with people you fancy and just go with the flow.
We have found some great couples on here and although we are not in each other's pockets daily, we do keep in regular contact with them and arrange meets at each other's places. Take your time to know people first and this will help you find the right people for you. It is not a race.
Happy Swinging xx"
Absolutely we are in no hurry to make things happen and are quite happy with a soft swap or actually just a social to find out about the scene. We have come away very horny and all over each other so that's a massive plus for us anyway. . Xx |
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Males trying to direct things is not something good we enjoy. Our attitude is women call the shots because males tend to go with whatever is presented to them within the boundaries of there own sexuality/tastes.
You may find it works more in your favour if the Fem takes control OP. It also tends to put couples at ease when the the fem is doing the talking |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Males trying to direct things is not something good we enjoy. Our attitude is women call the shots because males tend to go with whatever is presented to them within the boundaries of there own sexuality/tastes.
You may find it works more in your favour if the Fem takes control OP. It also tends to put couples at ease when the the fem is doing the talking "
That sounds exactly what we need because we felt we were 'directed' when actually we just wanted it to flow. Love the whole bi thing and us girls dos give each other a look to stop and do something else. I think girls are more In tuned with each other than the men are. Xx |
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"Males trying to direct things is not something good we enjoy. Our attitude is women call the shots because males tend to go with whatever is presented to them within the boundaries of there own sexuality/tastes.
You may find it works more in your favour if the Fem takes control OP. It also tends to put couples at ease when the the fem is doing the talking
That sounds exactly what we need because we felt we were 'directed' when actually we just wanted it to flow. Love the whole bi thing and us girls dos give each other a look to stop and do something else. I think girls are more In tuned with each other than the men are. Xx"
Definitely and if you are both comfortable with a situation then you may find it all the better. We've always found if something is going to go wrong then it's the fem that isn't happy and possibly that's down to pressure from her partner. If you're both in control it can progress exactly how you want. X |
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I think it depends on how fast you want things to develop really. Whenever we go to clubs we tend to hang out in the corner by ourselves a fair bit and people watch (we're not very forward). Then we'll try and pick out people who catch our eye and see how we both feel about them.
If we don't manage to chat with them, we'll usually just go and play by ourselves for a bit and see if we spot them later on. A few times now we've wound up in the same open room with them and have gotten to chatting. Even if that's as far as it goes we can still build on that connection via fab chat after if they're on here and see about meeting up again.
Like I said ..... Not very forward 
We never go to clubs with a list of goals for that visit. We feel that it would put pressure on ourselves and could make us not realise that we'd actually had a great time together. Similarly, if all we did was play together in an open room then that works for us
Being directed is a big turn off for us. It's happened once before where a couple were being very presumptuous about what we were going to do later. We made our excuses. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think it depends on how fast you want things to develop really. Whenever we go to clubs we tend to hang out in the corner by ourselves a fair bit and people watch (we're not very forward). Then we'll try and pick out people who catch our eye and see how we both feel about them.
If we don't manage to chat with them, we'll usually just go and play by ourselves for a bit and see if we spot them later on. A few times now we've wound up in the same open room with them and have gotten to chatting. Even if that's as far as it goes we can still build on that connection via fab chat after if they're on here and see about meeting up again.
Like I said ..... Not very forward
We never go to clubs with a list of goals for that visit. We feel that it would put pressure on ourselves and could make us not realise that we'd actually had a great time together. Similarly, if all we did was play together in an open room then that works for us
Being directed is a big turn off for us. It's happened once before where a couple were being very presumptuous about what we were going to do later. We made our excuses."
This is exactly our problem, I think we didn't talk to the couple at the club enough before playing. But we had with the first so maybe it's our new/ nervous vibe haha.
I love playing with lots of people watching and there were plenty of people who I made eye contact with but just got a little nervous when it came to approaching people because nobody had approached us. Not that I was too bothered but think maybe it would have been nice to see how the conversation starts. Maybe next time I will just say hello and see how it goes. Haha. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have a friend who is very Dom towards his partner but never towards us, she will frequently ask him "what shall I do next" and He will give her an answer. She will then ask whoever it was directed at "is that ok" and a simple nod or shake of the head and we're good to go!
We find its a great ice breaker for getting us all in the mood and it's certainly one of their kinks but not somerhing we would do with each other.
If everyone is happy to play this way then great but If it leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth maybe taking things at your own pace and 'giving the head shake' to the situation would be best?
Best advice will always be do things at toe pace and not others and if anyone tries to force a situation that makes either of you uncomfortable say no and walk away, we all do this for fun, not to go home feeling used and abused.
Mike
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ah I get you now! It isn't normal as such but some people are more dominant in some situations than others, if you find it bothers you i=I recommend as other have making the effort to talk more about what the couple want before engaging in play or telling them during the play that you aren't enjoying them directing and you just want to go with the flow.
We are go with the flow type people and before I started swinging I used to be very timid in terms of telling someone I had hardly met 5 minutes before that I wasn't happy with what they were doing, but I soon realised it was only my good time I was ruining by not saying anything and anyone who gets the arse isn't worth playing with anyway!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We have a friend who is very Dom towards his partner but never towards us, she will frequently ask him "what shall I do next" and He will give her an answer. She will then ask whoever it was directed at "is that ok" and a simple nod or shake of the head and we're good to go!
We find its a great ice breaker for getting us all in the mood and it's certainly one of their kinks but not somerhing we would do with each other.
If everyone is happy to play this way then great but If it leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth maybe taking things at your own pace and 'giving the head shake' to the situation would be best?
Best advice will always be do things at toe pace and not others and if anyone tries to force a situation that makes either of you uncomfortable say no and walk away, we all do this for fun, not to go home feeling used and abused.
Mike
"
Thank you. That's brilliant advice!!
I love how supportive everyone here is. It has really put us at ease and has made us realise we can stop things. Xx
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ah I get you now! It isn't normal as such but some people are more dominant in some situations than others, if you find it bothers you i=I recommend as other have making the effort to talk more about what the couple want before engaging in play or telling them during the play that you aren't enjoying them directing and you just want to go with the flow.
We are go with the flow type people and before I started swinging I used to be very timid in terms of telling someone I had hardly met 5 minutes before that I wasn't happy with what they were doing, but I soon realised it was only my good time I was ruining by not saying anything and anyone who gets the arse isn't worth playing with anyway!
"
That's a good way of looking at it, I guess I did ruin my time with that couple last night by not voicing my opinion.
I also think having spoken to you that speaking more before will be the one thing we really need to do. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with what others have said, talk, talk, talk. Even if you start playing and things aren't progressing as you had wished, walk away. Not always easy, granted. Perhaps devise a signal between yourselves that would show if one or the other of you isn't happy with the way things are going.
Obviously I can't speak from a couples view, but if I am invited to play with a couple then its their rules that are respected, which is something we tend to discuss before playing. |
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"Chat more before play?
Thanks, I didn't know how to start the conversation or how to approach people and when I did try I got nothing back. Xx"
I found that with VA, lovely decorated club but the punters are very cliquey, even those we went there to meet on their invitation. Tried chatting to loads of people there, they would answer me then walk away to chat with friends.
Never been back. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Chat more before play?
Thanks, I didn't know how to start the conversation or how to approach people and when I did try I got nothing back. Xx
I found that with VA, lovely decorated club but the punters are very cliquey, even those we went there to meet on their invitation. Tried chatting to loads of people there, they would answer me then walk away to chat with friends.
Never been back."
The staff were amazing and always there to speak to which made us feel loads better but definitely felt that everyone had friends there or had pre areanged (maybe where we went wrong). Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You're at St Neots so give JayDees a try, I have found that a very friendly club."
Yeah someone has said about that place actually... Maybe we will. We don't mind travelling though so think we may try somewhere in London next. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's definately not normal for someone else to direct you . If anyone tried directing us we would direct them straight out of the door !
All our meets are free flowing , establishing a connection and going with what makes everyone happy .
Too much talking before playing often spoils the play for us . We love the spontaneity and the fact that we find out during play what floats everyone's boat . We do however establish boundaries first .
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's definately not normal for someone else to direct you . If anyone tried directing us we would direct them straight out of the door !
All our meets are free flowing , establishing a connection and going with what makes everyone happy .
Too much talking before playing often spoils the play for us . We love the spontaneity and the fact that we find out during play what floats everyone's boat . We do however establish boundaries first .
"
Think this is the reply I need!! Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't like it. I definitely think we have learned an awful lot in the two meets we have had this far and speak to you lovely people have made is really see we aren't being silly. .
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's definately not normal for someone else to direct you . If anyone tried directing us we would direct them straight out of the door !
All our meets are free flowing , establishing a connection and going with what makes everyone happy .
Too much talking before playing often spoils the play for us . We love the spontaneity and the fact that we find out during play what floats everyone's boat . We do however establish boundaries first .
Think this is the reply I need!! Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't like it. I definitely think we have learned an awful lot in the two meets we have had this far and speak to you lovely people have made is really see we aren't being silly. .
Xx"
I don't think anyone was ever going to bash on this thread as its a legit problem with pushy people, I think most have had some experience one way or another with this but the best advice we can give is dont throw in the towel because of a bad meet if it's somwthring you are enjoying otherwise.
Its one of the main reasons (among total lack of time due to kids) that we are so unbelievably picky when it comes to meets, take it at your own pace and enjoy it, don't ever let anyone else ruin both your and your partners enjoyment 
M&M |
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No your defiantly not being silly.
Even experienced couples when meeting or playing with others have to "feel there way" as the dynamic is complex and uncertain. So just relax and don't be scarred to call a stop or just a timeout if your not comfortable, and re-discuss.
Remember Not every play session goes super well! its just a part of swinging. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's definately not normal for someone else to direct you . If anyone tried directing us we would direct them straight out of the door !
All our meets are free flowing , establishing a connection and going with what makes everyone happy .
Too much talking before playing often spoils the play for us . We love the spontaneity and the fact that we find out during play what floats everyone's boat . We do however establish boundaries first .
Think this is the reply I need!! Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't like it. I definitely think we have learned an awful lot in the two meets we have had this far and speak to you lovely people have made is really see we aren't being silly. .
Xx
I don't think anyone was ever going to bash on this thread as its a legit problem with pushy people, I think most have had some experience one way or another with this but the best advice we can give is dont throw in the towel because of a bad meet if it's somwthring you are enjoying otherwise.
Its one of the main reasons (among total lack of time due to kids) that we are so unbelievably picky when it comes to meets, take it at your own pace and enjoy it, don't ever let anyone else ruin both your and your partners enjoyment
M&M"
Thanks, yes since reading replies we definitely will keep trying to find the right people and never meet the wrong ones again. Lol. Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No your defiantly not being silly.
Even experienced couples when meeting or playing with others have to "feel there way" as the dynamic is complex and uncertain. So just relax and don't be scarred to call a stop or just a timeout if your not comfortable, and re-discuss.
Remember Not every play session goes super well! its just a part of swinging."
Thanks for the advice and it's nice to know even experienced swingers have the same problems. Xx |
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