FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Should I end it
Should I end it
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for your advice in advance.
Here's my problem
I'm in a relationship with someone and have been for a number of years. We've planned our life together and I'm happy with it. You might say I'm not happy if I'm on here and I understand that. The only issue I have with the relationship is that I feel we are not on the same wave length sexually. Im really experimental and would try anything once. On the other hand my partner will experiment but it's all quite vanilla. I'm not pushy and would never push her into trying anything she didn't want to do so it leaves me frustrated. I must reiterate that I'm really happy in this relationship.
My question or questions are;
Do women become more experimental the older you get or are you naturally more wild in your 20s as you are in your 30s ?
Has anyone else ever been through a similar situation and how did you deal with it ?
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As individuals all women will not follow the same pattern with regard to sexual experimentation, it really does depend on the woman in question.
I haven't been in your situation so I can't advise you on that but I wish you both luck and would say that open discussion helps with many relationship problems.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I became a lot more experimental about 2 years ago but we were always a bit experimental just with one another!
My husband can't believe how different I am sexually, but we do everything together and even when I was telling him to go else where to fulfil his needs he wouldn't,he said he preffered to be with me without sex then getting sex without me Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have in a sense spoken about it. I've told her I'm up for most things sexually and I couldn't really grasp what she was thinking. I don't want to come out and say " I want more from the sexual side of our relationship- I want you to experiment more".
I think that would crush her, she would see it as not being good enough for me. And then I do believe she would do whatever I wanted to do but that's not right. I want her to want it, to want to do it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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That's the way I feel. I could be with her without the sex although I don't know how long it would be before I was tempted to stray. Thanks for the reply. |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
Perhaps she's hoping desperately for you to broach the subject, as its still considered tarty for women to discuss sex openly.
I'm not going to tell you what to do. I don't know you or your partner, and I have no idea what you or her would consider 'adventurous'. There are many links on the web that can give you ideas as to how to broach the subject.
Just be careful what you wish for. |
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"I have in a sense spoken about it. I've told her I'm up for most things sexually and I couldn't really grasp what she was thinking. I don't want to come out and say " I want more from the sexual side of our relationship- I want you to experiment more".
I think that would crush her, she would see it as not being good enough for me. And then I do believe she would do whatever I wanted to do but that's not right. I want her to want it, to want to do it. "
Approach it as a joint problem. I would like US to be more experimental sexually...this is a joint problem not hers alone. You're assuming you know what she's thinking and how she will react, you don't and you never will unless you talk to her. Honestly, stop discussing your partner with strangers and start talking to her it will be difficult and you might hear things you don't want to hear but there is no other way. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for the reply.
I see where your coming from. Can you elaborate on " be careful what you wish for". I would like to hear the possible outcomes of me raising this with her. |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"Thanks for the reply.
I see where your coming from. Can you elaborate on " be careful what you wish for". I would like to hear the possible outcomes of me raising this with her. "
I'm not sure about anyone else, but I feel that trying to change someone will make that someone not the someone you fell in love with.
You also run the risk of her going so far the other way you will no longer be adventurous enough for her. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Completely understand what your saying. It's not that "I" want to experiment. I want "us" to experiment. I'm not interested in pushing boundaries with anyone else but I suppose that's contradictory considering I'm on here. Think I'm probably scared of her saying she's not into it and the relationship falling apart. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hmmmm seems kind of a dick move that you are debating ending a relationship in which you are happy and are actually getting sex (presumably?)
Most mens complaints start when the sex ends completely which is somewhat understandable as its not "what you signed up for" but to drop a pretty major bombshell like you are debating leaving because she's not experimental enough seems... Wrong and somewhat petty.
Have a talk with her and lay it out on the cards if you are really feeling this way, ultimatums suck ass but it's better than you just up and leaving because you are not getting your own way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for the reply.
I see where your coming from. Can you elaborate on " be careful what you wish for". I would like to hear the possible outcomes of me raising this with her. "
You are a member of this site. Does she know that?
Honesty and communication are the fundamentals of any long term relationship. If you can't discuss sex with your partner, do not continue the relationship. That may sound unduly harsh - it is only the opinion of a stranger. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also,
You're only 25? We didn't start actually experimenting until we were 27 and for some people it's much later as to be this experimental with someone you have to trust them entirely. Some people won't ever consider a lot of things. If you love someone it doesn't matter if they're not doing all the wild and crazy shit.
Seems absurd you're expecting so much when you're so young. You have many years to try new things! |
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Relationships have to have trust and communication ,with out either it's going to fail .
You need a serious talk with your girlfriend. You may be surprised and find she's happy to push boundaries with you .If not then you have to decide if this really is right person for you if you are already looking to stray. This should be an enhancement to a relationship ,not because there's something lacking from it.well in my opinion anyway as I know if hubby or myself wanted to call it day swinging then that's end to it .Our relationship is the priority . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm not debating ending it. I used the title to catch the attention to the thread. That was probably a dick move.
We do talk about it, but I suppose we've not had the whole if this isn't where we both agree then what do we do chat.
I don't want to have that chat because I know she loves me and will do whatever "I" want to try. But my reason for posting was really to find out if she will gradually become more adventurous with age.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not debating ending it. I used the title to catch the attention to the thread. That was probably a dick move.
We do talk about it, but I suppose we've not had the whole if this isn't where we both agree then what do we do chat.
I don't want to have that chat because I know she loves me and will do whatever "I" want to try. But my reason for posting was really to find out if she will gradually become more adventurous with age.
"
No one ever knows what the future holds.
And, yes, that was a dick move. |
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"I'm not debating ending it. I used the title to catch the attention to the thread. That was probably a dick move.
We do talk about it, but I suppose we've not had the whole if this isn't where we both agree then what do we do chat.
I don't want to have that chat because I know she loves me and will do whatever "I" want to try. But my reason for posting was really to find out if she will gradually become more adventurous with age.
"
As I said earlier on the thread nobody can tell you that. With the right man who is happy to support her in what she wants, explore her fantasies with her, enable her to feel she trusts him enough to open up about her real sexuality then I would say that there's a fair chance that she will become more adventurous.
You seem to want us to predict her actions forward and on those predictions decide to stay with her or not. If you can't face a future with a sexually unadventurous woman you should walk away now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I guess you have to ask yourself if you will be happy with your sex life the way it is for years to come.
If not and you think you will stray then end it before that happens.
I had lots naughty thoughts but didn't act on them because sex isn't something I had been bought up to talk about and partner would have looked at me in disgust so I kept them in my head.
Now I'm with someone I can tell anything, we have no secrets and it's amazing for the whole of our relationship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We started by discussing fantasys, for a long time they were just fantasys until we decided to see what it was like!
We had been together 17 years though so I guess we are doing the experimenting that a lot of people do before settling down Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A lot of good advice which has made me think. I'm going to sit down tonight and talk it over with her.
To tell me not to be on here and go and sort it out isn't really helpful though.
I thought this was part of the site, asking for advice on everyday situation. I planned to sort it out but didn't want to go in without getting advice from people with more life experience than me.
Thanks everyone for your input |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We started by discussing fantasys, for a long time they were just fantasys until we decided to see what it was like!
We had been together 17 years though so I guess we are doing the experimenting that a lot of people do before settling down Xx "
I've tried to discuss fantasys but she won't open up about it. Says she doesn't have any, is this possible ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I guess you have to ask yourself if you will be happy with your sex life the way it is for years to come.
If not and you think you will stray then end it before that happens.
I had lots naughty thoughts but didn't act on them because sex isn't something I had been bought up to talk about and partner would have looked at me in disgust so I kept them in my head.
Now I'm with someone I can tell anything, we have no secrets and it's amazing for the whole of our relationship"
That sounds ideal. I want that to be with her and not someone else though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If u are already emotionally and mentally pulling apart and not communicating it will only end one way. How long it takes and how it ends who knows but if everything else is rosie in the garden start talking to her. And it's all very well u wanting more but in some ways u are lucky. U know what u want. Try nurturing her and getting her to explore her fantasies. |
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"I guess you have to ask yourself if you will be happy with your sex life the way it is for years to come.
If not and you think you will stray then end it before that happens.
I had lots naughty thoughts but didn't act on them because sex isn't something I had been bought up to talk about and partner would have looked at me in disgust so I kept them in my head.
Now I'm with someone I can tell anything, we have no secrets and it's amazing for the whole of our relationship
That sounds ideal. I want that to be with her and not someone else though "
How long have you been together, quite often these things take time and trust. You're already seeking answers outside your relationship as opposed to advice on how to approach things, I can't emphasise enough how important communication and mutual trust is to a well rounded and fulfilling sex life. |
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By *yldstyleWoman
over a year ago
A world of my own |
You have to be able to openly discuss your fantasies and desires together. If you can't do that then I'd say theres a far bigger issue in your relationship.
Also you feel you can't tell her as it would hurt her.. However I think being on here without her knowledge would hurt her more.
Sex isn't the be all and end all of relationships..However in many cases if things aren't right in the bedroom they aren't right in the living room either x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I guess you have to ask yourself if you will be happy with your sex life the way it is for years to come.
If not and you think you will stray then end it before that happens.
I had lots naughty thoughts but didn't act on them because sex isn't something I had been bought up to talk about and partner would have looked at me in disgust so I kept them in my head.
Now I'm with someone I can tell anything, we have no secrets and it's amazing for the whole of our relationship
That sounds ideal. I want that to be with her and not someone else though
How long have you been together, quite often these things take time and trust. You're already seeking answers outside your relationship as opposed to advice on how to approach things, I can't emphasise enough how important communication and mutual trust is to a well rounded and fulfilling sex life."
Over 6 years |
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By *ntnCleoCouple
over a year ago
Dortmund (Germany) might travel! |
A few people giving OP a hard time here - he's just after advice and perhaps some reassuring accounts from others. Give him a break!
We started really slowly. Cleo is a self-admitting prude. We started with sexy lingerie, then a vibrator, then more sex toys, then porn, anal sex and then swingers clubs, then more toys, sex resorts and then live toys. It wasn't all smooth but we've done it together and because we want to explore as a couple, not for any other reason.
There were some points where I applied slow and steady pressure. I've put ideas in her head and reminded her of them and encouraged her to fantasise about them and ...eventually they became her fantasies too. Some she never took to but that's fine. She does the same with me. It can be a bit shocking when you first broach something different, but over time it becomes less weird and more sexy.
I don't know how old you guys are or how long you've been trying to encourage her, but for us it's been about 3-4 years. Cleo now does stuff she never would have dreamed of 4 years ago And we are always testing each other's boundaries.
If you're happy and love her then be patient and take it slowly. You might actually find that some of the things you think you want turn out to be damaging rather than fun. We were set back a couple years by trying something we weren't ready for. Take it slowly and hopefully you'll get to enjoy the journey together. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If u are already emotionally and mentally pulling apart and not communicating it will only end one way. How long it takes and how it ends who knows but if everything else is rosie in the garden start talking to her. And it's all very well u wanting more but in some ways u are lucky. U know what u want. Try nurturing her and getting her to explore her fantasies."
I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A few people giving OP a hard time here - he's just after advice and perhaps some reassuring accounts from others. Give him a break!
We started really slowly. Cleo is a self-admitting prude. We started with sexy lingerie, then a vibrator, then more sex toys, then porn, anal sex and then swingers clubs, then more toys, sex resorts and then live toys. It wasn't all smooth but we've done it together and because we want to explore as a couple, not for any other reason.
There were some points where I applied slow and steady pressure. I've put ideas in her head and reminded her of them and encouraged her to fantasise about them and ...eventually they became her fantasies too. Some she never took to but that's fine. She does the same with me. It can be a bit shocking when you first broach something different, but over time it becomes less weird and more sexy.
I don't know how old you guys are or how long you've been trying to encourage her, but for us it's been about 3-4 years. Cleo now does stuff she never would have dreamed of 4 years ago And we are always testing each other's boundaries.
If you're happy and love her then be patient and take it slowly. You might actually find that some of the things you think you want turn out to be damaging rather than fun. We were set back a couple years by trying something we weren't ready for. Take it slowly and hopefully you'll get to enjoy the journey together. "
Thank you very much.
You've described our relationship perfectly. I think purely with this comment you have opened my eyes a bit. The progession in your relationship, i can see that in my own.
Thankyou |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In our defence the majority of people giving him a hard time thought the choice was "swing or I'll leave you"
Right legit advice time then!
The way me and Millie broached the subject of fantasies was to write EVERYTHING we had ever considered doing or found sexy on a piece of paper each, rip the individual pieces of paper up and put them all in a hat, any that matched we put on a "Sexual bucket list" things to try before you die.
The things that didn't match we put in a jar this is now our "to visit later" jar for if we're feeling exceptionally brave and want to try something way out there.
Failing the hat idea there are TONS of websites that do basically the same thing and Mail the matching answers to each case other(some even keep the ideas that don't match a secret to save embarrassment)
Cannot reiterate how important communication is but this worked for us to get the ball rolling 
Hope it helps!
M&M
X |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"In our defence the majority of people giving him a hard time thought the choice was "swing or I'll leave you"
Right legit advice time then!
The way me and Millie broached the subject of fantasies was to write EVERYTHING we had ever considered doing or found sexy on a piece of paper each, rip the individual pieces of paper up and put them all in a hat, any that matched we put on a "Sexual bucket list" things to try before you die.
The things that didn't match we put in a jar this is now our "to visit later" jar for if we're feeling exceptionally brave and want to try something way out there.
Failing the hat idea there are TONS of websites that do basically the same thing and Mail the matching answers to each case other(some even keep the ideas that don't match a secret to save embarrassment)
Cannot reiterate how important communication is but this worked for us to get the ball rolling
Hope it helps!
M&M
X"
What a great post and great advise to give  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In our defence the majority of people giving him a hard time thought the choice was "swing or I'll leave you"
Right legit advice time then!
The way me and Millie broached the subject of fantasies was to write EVERYTHING we had ever considered doing or found sexy on a piece of paper each, rip the individual pieces of paper up and put them all in a hat, any that matched we put on a "Sexual bucket list" things to try before you die.
The things that didn't match we put in a jar this is now our "to visit later" jar for if we're feeling exceptionally brave and want to try something way out there.
Failing the hat idea there are TONS of websites that do basically the same thing and Mail the matching answers to each case other(some even keep the ideas that don't match a secret to save embarrassment)
Cannot reiterate how important communication is but this worked for us to get the ball rolling
Hope it helps!
M&M
X"
Wow! That is amazing I've never heard of that before. Thanks for sharing that. I think that would work even for people not in the situation I'm in just now. Could really spark up an already adventurous sex life! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In our defence the majority of people giving him a hard time thought the choice was "swing or I'll leave you"
Right legit advice time then!
The way me and Millie broached the subject of fantasies was to write EVERYTHING we had ever considered doing or found sexy on a piece of paper each, rip the individual pieces of paper up and put them all in a hat, any that matched we put on a "Sexual bucket list" things to try before you die.
The things that didn't match we put in a jar this is now our "to visit later" jar for if we're feeling exceptionally brave and want to try something way out there.
Failing the hat idea there are TONS of websites that do basically the same thing and Mail the matching answers to each case other(some even keep the ideas that don't match a secret to save embarrassment)
Cannot reiterate how important communication is but this worked for us to get the ball rolling
Hope it helps!
M&M
X"
Could you quote any of the websites your talking about or what I would search to look for them. I think this way would be the way forward.
Thanks |
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By *ntnCleoCouple
over a year ago
Dortmund (Germany) might travel! |
"In our defence the majority of people giving him a hard time thought the choice was "swing or I'll leave you"
Right legit advice time then!
The way me and Millie broached the subject of fantasies was to write EVERYTHING we had ever considered doing or found sexy on a piece of paper each, rip the individual pieces of paper up and put them all in a hat, any that matched we put on a "Sexual bucket list" things to try before you die.
The things that didn't match we put in a jar this is now our "to visit later" jar for if we're feeling exceptionally brave and want to try something way out there.
Failing the hat idea there are TONS of websites that do basically the same thing and Mail the matching answers to each case other(some even keep the ideas that don't match a secret to save embarrassment)
Cannot reiterate how important communication is but this worked for us to get the ball rolling
Hope it helps!
M&M
X"
Very cool idea. Thanks for sharing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've found one for anyone who is interested seems really good going to try it with partner. This could be the answer.
mojoupgrade. Com "
I have a funny feeling that's the one I was thinking of, it doesn't send the non matched ones though and goes into BDSM territory etc :P |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If u are already emotionally and mentally pulling apart and not communicating it will only end one way. How long it takes and how it ends who knows but if everything else is rosie in the garden start talking to her. And it's all very well u wanting more but in some ways u are lucky. U know what u want. Try nurturing her and getting her to explore her fantasies.
I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants "
I get the feeling that you are wanting to help her find what you want. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've just remembered the reason we didn't use the online version of this.
If your girlfriend is smart she will answer "yes" to everything and see exactly what you want to do without giving away anything herself.
Millie did this to me originally until we did it properly! (Bitch) |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
"I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants
I get the feeling that you are wanting to help her find what you want. "
That's my feeling too. |
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"I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants
I get the feeling that you are wanting to help her find what you want.
That's my feeling too."
But we're not allowed to say that or we're giving him a hard time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants
I get the feeling that you are wanting to help her find what you want.
That's my feeling too.
But we're not allowed to say that or we're giving him a hard time. "
It is a fair counter perspective and he might appreciate it. |
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"I don't think we are pulling apart. Maybe physically we are going in different directions. That's all I want is to help her find what she wants
I get the feeling that you are wanting to help her find what you want.
That's my feeling too.
But we're not allowed to say that or we're giving him a hard time.
It is a fair counter perspective and he might appreciate it."
I agree it is and a counter perspective is required in my opinion. In a moment of uncharacteristic frustration I expressed myself passive aggressively...won't happen again  |
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"A few people giving OP a hard time here - he's just after advice and perhaps some reassuring accounts from others. Give him a break!
We started really slowly. Cleo is a self-admitting prude. We started with sexy lingerie, then a vibrator, then more sex toys, then porn, anal sex and then swingers clubs, then more toys, sex resorts and then live toys. It wasn't all smooth but we've done it together and because we want to explore as a couple, not for any other reason.
There were some points where I applied slow and steady pressure. I've put ideas in her head and reminded her of them and encouraged her to fantasise about them and ...eventually they became her fantasies too. Some she never took to but that's fine. She does the same with me. It can be a bit shocking when you first broach something different, but over time it becomes less weird and more sexy.
I don't know how old you guys are or how long you've been trying to encourage her, but for us it's been about 3-4 years. Cleo now does stuff she never would have dreamed of 4 years ago And we are always testing each other's boundaries.
If you're happy and love her then be patient and take it slowly. You might actually find that some of the things you think you want turn out to be damaging rather than fun. We were set back a couple years by trying something we weren't ready for. Take it slowly and hopefully you'll get to enjoy the journey together. "
I had to read this post a good few times because it frightened the shit out of me .... slowly wearing someone down until they think your ideas are theirs ... isn't there some sort of crime implied there. My OH was on the fetscene before being with previous partners, and when it was clear they weren't interested, he did not pursue it whilst he was with them, but was never totally happy. We met through this site, and neither of us has ever pressured the other to do anything, had a secret sneaky plan or anything like it. I am not saying, OP, to leave her if she is not into it, I am saying, if you care about her, don't pressure her into something she doesn't want to do, that is totally manipulative and controlling. How awful for someone to lose themselves so completely like that ... or was I reading it completely wrongly, because it came across as chilling and cold to me. |
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"I've tried to discuss fantasys but she won't open up about it. Says she doesn't have any, is this possible ?"
It is possible. It is also possible she does and is ashamed to tell you because she feels they are so outrageous. Women are still often unable to accept that being really open about sex does not make them a bad person.
I'd been very uptight & secretive about sex until I was put on Fab. I'm fine now  |
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This gives me hope, congratulations 