FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Tips for entering a mutually acceptable D/s relationship
Tips for entering a mutually acceptable D/s relationship
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"If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him. and you need to remember it and believe it." Oh. Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene. | |||
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/ | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship? (I thought I'd seen it before...) | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/
Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?
(I thought I'd seen it before...)"And posted on two forums, boring | |||
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"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"I saw it a few years ago on another site x | |||
it's good for me so thanks x | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/
Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?
(I thought I'd seen it before...)"Ohdear lol | |||
"If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him. and you need to remember it and believe it. Oh. Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene." I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why? | |||
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"I thought it was a pretty good list tbh. It takes time, trust and communication to create a good D/s relationship. And that involves meeting a person for real and them taking the time to find out your likes/ dislikes and limits. Anyone who won't take the time to do this isn't worth bothering with. " . I agree x | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/
Ah. Someone who takes credit for other peoples work. Who needs integrity in a BDSM relationship?
(I thought I'd seen it before...)
Ohdear lol
"its been floating around on various fetish /bdsm forums for at least the last 8 years pretty good basisfor those who are new to the fetish scene | |||
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"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene. I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why?" Lets see... " 1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored. " I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it. " 2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen. " I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures. " 3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser. " Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser. " 4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot. " Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them? Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent. " 5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse. " My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement. " 6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that. " She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty. " 7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences. " No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal. Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done. | |||
"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene. I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why? Lets see... 1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored. I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it. 2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen. I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures. 3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser. Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser. 4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot. Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them? Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent. 5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse. My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement. 6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that. She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty. 7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences. No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal. Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done." Thanks, interesting angle I'd not looked at it from. | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/"does it matter if i was posted somewhere else before? ok he didnt say someone else had written in but equally, does that matter? | |||
"Somebody may be telling porkies on the internet
Because this apparently female blogger said the same things a year ago
http://kaylalords.com/2015/04/top-10-signs-hes-an-asshole-not-a-dominant/
does it matter if i was posted somewhere else before? ok he didnt say someone else had written in but equally, does that matter?"it is very good advice and seen it quoted many times. | |||
"Did you write that yourself? Because I disagree with quite a few things you've written - and I'm hardly a newbie to the BDSM scene. I'm intrigued. Would you share which bits you disagree with and why? Lets see... 1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored. I called my partner sir from the moment we met. If you're playing and it feels right, then do it. He told me to call him sir, so I called him it. 2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen. I like penises. I'm always interested in what prospective playmates partners penises look like. If you don't plan to have sexual contact I could see how it wouldn't be relevant. And not everyone likes it. But it doesn't mean he's not dominant because he sends penis pictures. 3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser. Sometimes I get an unsolicited instruction of something I should do from my partner. Sometimes I do it. I had instructions for the first time I met my partner. He's not a poser. 4. He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot. Actually, I don't agree that a dominant should 'push your limits'. Limits are not there to be pushed. They are there to be kept the fuck away from. If you can push limits, what's the point in having them? Also this statement completely ignores that there are other ways of playing - like consensual non consent. 5. He disregards your safe word.Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse. My partner and I have 'plain language safe words'. We say no or stop if we don't want to carry on. It is part of our play that sometimes we ignore those requests to stop. And yes, she is passing judgement. You know what we don't need in a marginalised subculture? People passing fucking judgement. 6. He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that. She says 'people shouldn't lie' and then 'people don't always have to tell the truth'. Make your mind up. Either people can lie or people can't. But here's a hint - very few people actually like radical honesty. 7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences. No, you see, this is also cool in the right circumstances. And you don't have to negotiate a relationship. When I play with guys in clubs I don't really care about their pleasure, only about mie. And I'm not an abuser or a power. It's just that with some people, that's the deal. Basically, it's all a bit fucking judgey. And you know what? I'm getting remarkably fed up of being judged by other kinksters just because I don't do kink how they think kink should be done." | |||
