FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > How do we find a balance?
How do we find a balance?
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Ok so not sure I should be posting this in the forums but figured this was the best place to get advice. We are struggling to find a balance and wonder how others do it. Red loves Rosi very much but is incapable of staying faithful as his penis has a mind of its own and so has solos to satisfy this. Rosi gets hurt very time he has a solo. How do other people manage this so nobody gets hurt and everybody is satisfied? |
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i think ultimately this is something only the two of you can resolve as what works for some might not work for you/
Are you aware of the solo play before it happens? if so are you unhappy before it happens or after?
Have you tried allowing him to play while you are in the room so that you can see all that goes on? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If red feels rosi isn't enough to satisfy him , then one of two things is necessary .
Either he stops playing solo as it hurts her .
Or rosi accepts she isn't enough for him , and stops allowing herself to be hurt by it .
It's that simple . |
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"I'm fine with him playing solo when we're in clubs. I just don't like knowing that he's playing solo when I'm at home on my own. And I'm not interested 8n solo meets."
I suggest that the two of you talk to each other and really face this problem instead of talking about it as of it were two other people.
A compromise might be that Red plays solo on clubs only and stops doing something he knows is hurting you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so not sure I should be posting this in the forums but figured this was the best place to get advice. We are struggling to find a balance and wonder how others do it. Red loves Rosi very much but is incapable of staying faithful as his penis has a mind of its own and so has solos to satisfy this. Rosi gets hurt very time he has a solo. How do other people manage this so nobody gets hurt and everybody is satisfied? "
Cheating is cheating whatever kind of relationship you have. we only play together and even though we have different sex drives i would never just go ahead and play without her.whatever you two do you should both be happy and comfortable in what you are doing or that kind of relationship just wont work wish you the best of luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So are you really trying to say your cock rules your life, and that you are incapable of controlling your urges? Because last time I looked at your profile, it didn't state you were a 16yr old kid with no adult self control!!!
If you're more interested in your cock than your partner, then I suggest you split up and let the poor lady meet a guy who is adult enough to have a relationship where her feelings matter!
You sound as if, having an adult conversation with her is beyond you, as your cock makes all your decisions! |
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" Red loves Rosi very much but is incapable of staying faithful as his penis has a mind of its own and so has solos to satisfy this. Rosi gets hurt very time he has a solo. "
No man or woman is incapable of staying faithful, unwilling maybe but not incapable.
No penis has a mind of its own, that's an excuse.
Nobody who loves somebody deliberately hurts them time and again.
Women and men should have enough self esteem to realise when somebody is massively insulting their intelligence and abusing their trust and insist that it stops.
People can only behave towards you more than once in a way that hurts you if you allow them to. |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
You are basically asking how do other people cope with partners who are inconsiderate towards their feelings.
The answer is they either learn to put up with an inconsiderate partner, or they split up. There isn't really any middle ground. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so not sure I should be posting this in the forums but figured this was the best place to get advice. We are struggling to find a balance and wonder how others do it. Red loves Rosi very much but is incapable of staying faithful as his penis has a mind of its own and so has solos to satisfy this. Rosi gets hurt very time he has a solo. How do other people manage this so nobody gets hurt and everybody is satisfied? "
Sorry if this is a stupid question and I haven't understood the situation, but why does Red need solo's as opposed to foursome meets with other couples? |
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To be blunt, we both have said we could give this lifestyle up if either one of us didn't want to continue. We met and married as a monogamous couple and from there moved to swinging. We do this as a couple for us not because one of us cannot be monogamous. I don't want to forsake all others(Mrs talking) and would probably find it harder than Mr but because I have met the man I believe to be the "one" I would do whatever it took to keep my relationship which is far more important than sex |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok so not sure I should be posting this in the forums but figured this was the best place to get advice. We are struggling to find a balance and wonder how others do it. Red loves Rosi very much but is incapable of staying faithful as his penis has a mind of its own and so has solos to satisfy this. Rosi gets hurt very time he has a solo. How do other people manage this so nobody gets hurt and everybody is satisfied? "
you don't and by the looks of it if you carry on you won't be a couple much longer    |
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Red doesn't love Rossi as much as he claims if he is prepared to consistently do something that he knows hurts her.
His penis does not have a mind of its own that's bullshit.
Any relationship is about communicating and finding what works for both of you without causing hurt or upset towards each other.
Red is having his cake and eating it irrelevant of how it makes Rossi feel. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thank you for having the courage to post this. The forums can be a tough place.
I would suggest taking a break from swinging and focus on your relationship. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So are you really trying to say your cock rules your life, and that you are incapable of controlling your urges? Because last time I looked at your profile, it didn't state you were a 16yr old kid with no adult self control!!!
If you're more interested in your cock than your partner, then I suggest you split up and let the poor lady meet a guy who is adult enough to have a relationship where her feelings matter!
You sound as if, having an adult conversation with her is beyond you, as your cock makes all your decisions!"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being a swinger does NOT excuse doing things your partner has asked you not to.
Playing in clubs with your partners permission does not give you a free pass to do it out of clubs. If you have sex behind your partners back, and you know they wouldnt like it, thats cheating and thats nasty. Thats NOT swinging as a couple. Swinging as a couple is something you do based on your set of rules and boundaries.
He is cheating and using swinging as an excuse for his behaviour by the sounds of it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't see anything that needs balancing out. It's not a case of you're having x amount of sex, I want the same. You knows it hurts her when you're out meeting women alone and she doesn't want to " balance" it up by meeting men alone,you are being inconsiderate. If you need more sex you can have it with her,it doesn't have to be with another woman. I'm assuming Red wrote this,writing in the third person doesn't take the onus off the writer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Rosi,does it hurt because you aren't getting as much sex as him or because you don't like him out alone where you can't see what he's doing or hear what he is saying to women? Have you asked him to have more sex with you to satisfy his sexual urges he can't seem to control? Can you meet more couples so he doesn't have to meet women alone? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Rosi,does it hurt because you aren't getting as much sex as him or because you don't like him out alone where you can't see what he's doing or hear what he is saying to women? Have you asked him to have more sex with you to satisfy his sexual urges he can't seem to control? Can you meet more couples so he doesn't have to meet women alone? "
That's in case Rosi is the author. |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
There is a massive issue here about respect.
If red cannot respect rosi's feelings and not have solo meets that he knows hurts her (hope I've got the names the right way round) then the relationship clearly holds little value for him as we don't hurt the ones we claim to love.
And rosi needs to develop some self- respect and stop allowing someone to hurt her in this manner.
I'm in a poly relationship with my lover, and it has been a real learning curve as we both learn to accept all that brings, but monogamy is not right for either of us just now for various reasons - but it is a constant ongoing discussion how we are both feeling/dealing with it. |
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IMO - This isn't good. This is an issue that has to be resolved or ends badly. I thought couples swing with understanding and respect for each other. They do what they both like and turns them on, if one person is doing something the other doesn't like, then there is an issue. Drop the solo home meets if she doesn't like it (Is it necessary) Obviously depends on how often you meet or go to clubs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Being a swinger does NOT excuse doing things your partner has asked you not to.
Playing in clubs with your partners permission does not give you a free pass to do it out of clubs. If you have sex behind your partners back, and you know they wouldnt like it, thats cheating and thats nasty. Thats NOT swinging as a couple. Swinging as a couple is something you do based on your set of rules and boundaries.
He is cheating and using swinging as an excuse for his behaviour by the sounds of it."
Well said but unfortunately not uncommon on here. I have come across a number of couples that state on their profile that they only meet together but then come across the guys single profile which has veri's as a single guy!!
For some couples swinging is like opening a Pandora's box. All too often women agree to this lifestyle to please their partner but then that permission to play is treated as an open invitation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm fine with him playing solo when we're in clubs. I just don't like knowing that he's playing solo when I'm at home on my own. And I'm not interested 8n solo meets."
.
Cake and eating it springs to mind...you two need to talk it through. Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Jusging by the way you say he can't stay "faithful" you obviously see his solo antics as cheating... i guess it's pretty simple really - solo play when you're their or not at all.
It sounds to me like he is putting his need to fuck around above your need to feel as though he is commited to you. It's very selfish of him.
But i guess you've given him an inch and aren't really stopping hin from taking a mile. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The Sex Nerd Sandra Podcast can give you some wonderful advice on cheating, polyamory, swinging and much more. I recommend you listen to some of the episodes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This post is very sad. If he is incapable of not going on solo meets even though he knows it hurts her/you then is there really a future here. Either he needs to stop doing solo meets or you need to admit to each other that this relationship might not be working for both parties. |
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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago
Chippenham Malmesbury area |
He is able to satisfy his polyamorous needs by attending clubs with her so why the need to do solo outside of this scenario? He knows it hurts her so he should be considerate to her feelings and only solo in clubs - sounds like one-way traffic to me! |
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Are you looking for justification Red ? You are wanting Rosi as well as others,regardless of her feelings.And blaming your penis ? Quite a juvenile and immature excuse really.You need to talk more openly with her and decide what you want,because it will come to a head at some point and you will lose each other.Best of luck with your self induced problem though... |
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I should probably clarify it was I, Rosi, who wrote the post. Thank you all for your advice and for those of you blaming Red for things please know that I am buy no means innocent. I have told him to have his solos be a use I believed they would make him happy. I can't very well complain when he does as I've told him to do. However having read all of your advice on here we have reached an understanding that solos will now only occur in clubs where we are both happy with them. Thankyou for your help. |
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"Red doesn't love Rossi as much as he claims if he is prepared to consistently do something that he knows hurts her.
His penis does not have a mind of its own that's bullshit.
Any relationship is about communicating and finding what works for both of you without causing hurt or upset towards each other.
Red is having his cake and eating it irrelevant of how it makes Rossi feel."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For some couples swinging is like opening a Pandora's box. All too often women agree to this lifestyle to please their partner but then that permission to play is treated as an open invitation."
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"I should probably clarify it was I, Rosi, who wrote the post. Thank you all for your advice and for those of you blaming Red for things please know that I am buy no means innocent. I have told him to have his solos be a use I believed they would make him happy. I can't very well complain when he does as I've told him to do. However having read all of your advice on here we have reached an understanding that solos will now only occur in clubs where we are both happy with them. Thankyou for your help. "
Glad to hear that you have sorted things out to your satisfaction. Communication is always the key!  |
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