FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Can a relationship work without attraction?
Can a relationship work without attraction?
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Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her  We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? |
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I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc  and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
Hi,
What attracted you to her in the first place? You haven`t had sex yet, so how do you know your not sexually attracted to her? You say you connect in a lot of other ways, so
I think you have to give the relationship a bit more time. You`ve only had 2 dates. And really think what is important to you. But don`t lead her on.
That`s my 10 pence worth! lol
Max |
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example "
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her "
Could be you're enjoying what you've got now with her so not bothered about sex yet? |
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her "
Well maybe once you've done the deed you will be.. Is what I'm saying  |
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Hi,
What attracted you to her in the first place? You haven`t had sex yet, so how do you know your not sexually attracted to her? You say you connect in a lot of other ways, so
I think you have to give the relationship a bit more time. You`ve only had 2 dates. And really think what is important to you. But don`t lead her on.
That`s my 10 pence worth! lol
Max"
Hey Max thanks for the post.
I thought she was pretty facially but I was more attracted to the fact we get along like a house on fire, we've only had two dates but talk constantly through the day and spend minimum an Hour+ on the phone talking every night.
I don't want to lead her on at all and maybe you're right and when it is time for physical relations I'll feel differently.
But on the off chance I feel the same is it possible to have love without sex? |
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her
Could be you're enjoying what you've got now with her so not bothered about sex yet?"
Maybe.
I've never experienced this before, I'm in no rush to move to sex... At all, it's strange. |
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her
Well maybe once you've done the deed you will be.. Is what I'm saying "
But.... How can I do the dead if I'm not turned on by her  |
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If I am not attracted to them , then no point in my eyes keep meeting them, unless its clear it will only ever be a friendship...but everybody is different, I just know that it wouldnt work for me. |
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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago
Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum |
Not every person is a Mata hari oozing sexual attraction. What you have, I will kill to have - a person I can talk to, and who I find attractive. The sexual attraction will probably come eventually, although if you have sex and it still feels blah then you might have to face up to it.
But don't throw away what sounds like a good thing just because your cock doesn't spring into action every time you see her. Wait to see how things develop. And bear in mind she might not find you attractive at all! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Do you think about her & smile when you recall something you've shared, if so i think you maybe have the basis of something. Now what that something turns into you'll have to wait and see.
go with the flow and don't overthink the situation. |
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By *bi HaiveMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Cheeseville, Somerset |
"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her
Well maybe once you've done the deed you will be.. Is what I'm saying
But.... How can I do the dead if I'm not turned on by her "
Don't do the dead - that's weird!
Seriously though. How do you know you won't be turned on if/when it happens?
Just wait and see. There's no time limit. If you sleep together and things don't work out its not as if you'll have to get divorced. Don't try and over analyse things in advance - you may end up with a self fulfilling prophecy that it doesn't work.
Good luck! 
A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think attraction can take different forms, and sometimes can be a slow burner. Things can build and grow from a stable beginning - it doesn't always have to be mad passionate clothes tearing stuff from the start. |
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"I d*unkenly slept with someone I didn't fancy.. And after I was lying there thinking urgh what have I done! But we ended up doing it again a week later, then again etc etc and I found that the sexual attraction just happened.
We're not together now though, lasted 6 months, maybe not a good example
I do fancy her, I'm just not turned on by her
Well maybe once you've done the deed you will be.. Is what I'm saying
But.... How can I do the dead if I'm not turned on by her "
I know it's a bit harder (or not!) for a guy but surely if you fancy her and she starts rubbing your special place things will get started?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
She sounds wifey-material?
Seriously, I reckon this could lead to really good things.
All the basic, grounding elements for a sturdy relationship appear to be in place - given time, it'll only get better.
I think a certain amount of sexual attraction needs to be there too though.
On a scale of 1 - 10, how much is there?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Been having a think, and i didn't even find my next to last partner attractive when i met him. I was with him 11 years.
But over time i grew to love him, loved having sex with him, loved being with him, we're still good friends now and that's a good relationship to me. Where, no matter what you go through, someone will be there for you and have your back, someone 'get's you' and understands you. And yeah it isn't sexual at all now but it was and i enjoyed it. I'd be gutted if anything happened to him.
Also, my last partner i didn't find attractive looks wise at all but his personality won me over and i'm still horny as fuck for him to this day, plus find him the sexiest guy on this planet somehow lol.
I think sex is needed in a relationship, especially if you enjoy sex and need that, or if you want to have kids together, but it doesn't have to be. The relationship would more be friends, or best friends even.
I agree with the comments that it might not start off as being hot for each other but it can turn into that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Attraction is subjective. This site is a good example. Some get turned on by muscles, and a set of rock hard abs, whereas others want the face of Chatum Tanning. Others find the mind to be more stimulating.
It seems you have a connection but have not quite go there yet. Continue with her and im sure you will find out. |
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Thank you all for the views there's too many posts to reply individually but I've taken them all to heart, truly.
I'm gonna go with it and see what happens as there's to much of a mental connection to not give it a chance.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm married to my absolute best friend and even though I've never wanted to rip his clothes off, the quality and frequency of our sex life is actually better than with anyone else. I think it's because there's such a strong bond there and a huge level of trust. Sounds like wife material to me, maybe that's why it's taken you by surprise because you've never met somebody who could potentially be such a long term feature in your life? Good luck! X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank you all for the views there's too many posts to reply individually but I've taken them all to heart, truly.
I'm gonna go with it and see what happens as there's to much of a mental connection to not give it a chance. "
Hope it goes well. |
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"Thank you all for the views there's too many posts to reply individually but I've taken them all to heart, truly.
I'm gonna go with it and see what happens as there's to much of a mental connection to not give it a chance.
Hope it goes well. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It sounds like a good basis to start a relationship from.
Most relationships that start with wanting to rip each others clothes off soon fail when they realize they have nothing to say to each other.
Take each day as it comes & just enjoy each others company. If things are supposed to happen sexually, they will.
Good luck xx |
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"Thank you all for the views there's too many posts to reply individually but I've taken them all to heart, truly.
I'm gonna go with it and see what happens as there's to much of a mental connection to not give it a chance. "
If it helps im in a similar situation found someone im drawn too xx No sex yet but we are taking our time its not the driving force it is weird but i kinda feel when we do well lets just say we wont be able to keep our hands off each other. Just because you dont feel a sexual urge straight away doesnt me it isnt there. Good luck to you both xxx |
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"Sounds like the start of something special OP.
And it sounds like part of your brain already knows it.
"
Lol, yea, I reckon. I agreed to meet one guy I did not particularly fancy because he was so passionate and persistent, in fact the only man I have met since divorce who was not younger than me! I got half way through dinner and a certain smile suddenly just did it.....whoof, gone!!
Go with the flow, see where it leads. Good luck! |
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
Some of the best relationships happen when and where you last expect them to
Stop thinking and just go with where it's going, we are often the cause of the obstacles in front of us
Have fun, live life, laugh and see what happens |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had some of the most passionate horny relationships with women that haven't been classically sexy. However, they've all had that spark. I personally think it's important, but it depends on your relationship goals. Are you willing to lose her as a friend to find out? |
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By *arry247Couple
over a year ago
Wakefield |
"
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
You are confused, you are sexually attracted to her but you do not acknowledge it. You have already had sex with her but you do not acknowledge it.
Yes kissing is a form of sex, it may be mild on many people's idea of types of sex but it is a very potent form of sex.
If you don't agree see how many people here say they do not kiss on a meet and the volumes of people who say kissing is essential on a meet.
Stop over analysing your relationship with this woman and relax.
Let whatever develops develop but most of all be yourself.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hey OP.. I had very similar with a woman I met.. We talked about everything for hours but six months in it became stale.
Never really did have a connection with her even though she was gorgeous.
Could of had a happy life with her but being forced to sit watching three hours of soaps together killed any chance we had.
Hope it doesn't turn out the same for you though.. just with me I wasn't happy with things just being ok. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
It will work until you find someone you ARE sexually attracted to. Unless you have a low libido, sex is for men one of their primary relationship needs. |
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"If you have really clicked....and talk freely...have you mentioned fab yet?"
Funnily enough yes by accident, I had deleted pictures from my phone butler downloaded one from here forgetting about the watermark and sent her it. She spotted the watermark but laughed it's off, she's very open minded |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been in two relationships where I didn't feel that passion. I loved both of them and enjoyed their company but never wanted to rip their clothes off used to make every excuse not to have sex lol so for me now attractions a must |
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play? "
It's massive, mate, in my experience.
The problem with these types of situations is, you run the risk of becoming 'just friends' much further down the line.
Go with your gut instinct and don't even go there.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course attraction and lust are important .
Anyone saying they're not is on another planet .
Unless of course you want a companion and someone who is happy for you to get the sexual pleasure elsewhere .
That being the case , this could be perfect |
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"Hey all, not swinger related but I enjoy the site and forums for the openness and being able to discuss things neutraly that would usually raise eyebrows.
So, for the last 2/3 weeks I've been talking to a female from the fish site and constant long messages developed into long phone calls (over 3 hours was the longest) which then turned into a date which went very well and we've had our second one today.
Now, I find her pretty and personality wise I've never connected with anybody like this, I really enjoy talking to her at length and we're never stuck for conversation, two peas in a pod.
But..... I don't think I'm sexually attracted to her We've kissed and I enjoyed it but I don't look at her and want to tear her clothes off so I'm confuzzled.
Any advice to offer? Just how essential or how much of a part does sexual attraction play?
It will work until you find someone you ARE sexually attracted to. Unless you have a low libido, sex is for men one of their primary relationship needs."
Wholeheartedly agree with this!
So, true. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just offering an opinion on the flip side, isn't life sometimes a bit too short for slow burners? Inject some passion into your life while you can, grab it with both hands and make the most of it, personally I don't see the worth in letting something go on and on in the hope it might develop.
That's an opinion remember. |
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"Just offering an opinion on the flip side, isn't life sometimes a bit too short for slow burners? Inject some passion into your life while you can, grab it with both hands and make the most of it, personally I don't see the worth in letting something go on and on in the hope it might develop.
That's an opinion remember. "
And I thank you for that opinion.
I've had passionate rerelationships before but I'm 31, only hadn't one relationship last over a year when I was 18 so obviously something hasn't been working so maybe it's time to try something different.
Oh and some wires seem to be crossed with other posts, I am attracted to her and I love spending time with her. I'm just not sexually attracted to her, my loins don't swell in her presence but my smile does.
I know, hah Gaaaay |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just offering an opinion on the flip side, isn't life sometimes a bit too short for slow burners? Inject some passion into your life while you can, grab it with both hands and make the most of it, personally I don't see the worth in letting something go on and on in the hope it might develop.
That's an opinion remember.
And I thank you for that opinion.
I've had passionate rerelationships before but I'm 31, only hadn't one relationship last over a year when I was 18 so obviously something hasn't been working so maybe it's time to try something different.
Oh and some wires seem to be crossed with other posts, I am attracted to her and I love spending time with her. I'm just not sexually attracted to her, my loins don't swell in her presence but my smile does.
I know, hah Gaaaay "
Lol! That might be down to just getting to know her first and personalities clicking, there's no reason to say you can't have that with someone else, someone you get a boner for too I can understand the need for finding someone to want something special with but no one should settle |
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"Just offering an opinion on the flip side, isn't life sometimes a bit too short for slow burners? Inject some passion into your life while you can, grab it with both hands and make the most of it, personally I don't see the worth in letting something go on and on in the hope it might develop.
That's an opinion remember.
And I thank you for that opinion.
I've had passionate rerelationships before but I'm 31, only hadn't one relationship last over a year when I was 18 so obviously something hasn't been working so maybe it's time to try something different.
Oh and some wires seem to be crossed with other posts, I am attracted to her and I love spending time with her. I'm just not sexually attracted to her, my loins don't swell in her presence but my smile does.
I know, hah Gaaaay
Lol! That might be down to just getting to know her first and personalities clicking, there's no reason to say you can't have that with someone else, someone you get a boner for too I can understand the need for finding someone to want something special with but no one should settle "
Ours personalitys definitely click, we can talk for hours without ever having to think about what to say or make an effort to keep the conversation going, I've never experienced it before.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why not just be honest with her tell her your not sexually attracted see if she will want to stay friends you never know but if you are going to hide fab from her then let her down gently. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Without attraction, there can be a relationship but depends on the type of relationship. Some people are attracted to power, some money and some BBC. Look at Simon cowell. I'm sure all them women want his dry personality more than his looks. So the answer is depends what the individual is attracted to  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It sounds like a good basis to start a relationship from.
Most relationships that start with wanting to rip each others clothes off soon fail when they realize they have nothing to say to each other.
Take each day as it comes & just enjoy each others company. If things are supposed to happen sexually, they will.
Good luck xx"
|
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"Just offering an opinion on the flip side, isn't life sometimes a bit too short for slow burners? Inject some passion into your life while you can, grab it with both hands and make the most of it, personally I don't see the worth in letting something go on and on in the hope it might develop.
That's an opinion remember.
And I thank you for that opinion.
I've had passionate rerelationships before but I'm 31, only hadn't one relationship last over a year when I was 18 so obviously something hasn't been working so maybe it's time to try something different.
Oh and some wires seem to be crossed with other posts, I am attracted to her and I love spending time with her. I'm just not sexually attracted to her, my loins don't swell in her presence but my smile does.
I know, hah Gaaaay
Lol! That might be down to just getting to know her first and personalities clicking, there's no reason to say you can't have that with someone else, someone you get a boner for too I can understand the need for finding someone to want something special with but no one should settle
Ours personalitys definitely click, we can talk for hours without ever having to think about what to say or make an effort to keep the conversation going, I've never experienced it before.
"
Sounds like a soulmate type of relationship where you fall for the person as you see each other as part of each other. Sexual attraction is just developing under the surface really as your mind is more intrested in finding out more about her first sounds normal to me really xxx Good luck to you both xxx |
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Maybe,because you enjoying her company you dont want to rush
What Im trying to say is you quite content and are actually enjoying getting to know her.
If she didnt interest you so much you would probably just want to score and move on |
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