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Unfaithful Swingers
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I dont mean people on here whose vanilla other halves dont know. I mean within couples who swing together.
I always thought the lifestyle was built on morals and an ethos of honesty and not harming others. I entered the scene through an experienced partner who introduced me to it, and subsequently had two other relationships with swingers. I experienced infidelity in all three exclusive but swinging relationships. (1 attempted, 1 serial adulterer and 1 pretty big 'mistake') almost all in swinging contexts, eg secret meets, sneaking off to parties alone etc-most when there were no problems in the relationship at all. Which made me wonder if being in the scene as a single makes it just too easy and accessible, and distorts view what a relationship should be, when one comes along. I think the only couples I know who are happy and have a sound relationship are those who came into the scene as newbies together. I wondered if anyone else had noticed same or if I'm just being pessimistic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We cam into swinging as half half had two affairs before so started down the path of this ,since he has not bothered in vanilla life to chase others and now not fussed if he plays with other females at all loves to see me have fun in mfm scenario |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"I dont mean people on here whose vanilla other halves dont know. I mean within couples who swing together.
I always thought the lifestyle was built on morals and an ethos of honesty and not harming others. I entered the scene through an experienced partner who introduced me to it, and subsequently had two other relationships with swingers. I experienced infidelity in all three exclusive but swinging relationships. (1 attempted, 1 serial adulterer and 1 pretty big 'mistake') almost all in swinging contexts, eg secret meets, sneaking off to parties alone etc-most when there were no problems in the relationship at all. Which made me wonder if being in the scene as a single makes it just too easy and accessible, and distorts view what a relationship should be, when one comes along. I think the only couples I know who are happy and have a sound relationship are those who came into the scene as newbies together. I wondered if anyone else had noticed same or if I'm just being pessimistic. "
If someone is cheating then there are problems in the relationship.......I have not heard of anyone having an affair while swinging but I think a cheat is a cheat and will find a way regardless of the lifestyle choices they make |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone is different. Some will be honest and some will not. Some will stick to their agreement and some will not. That is the nature of humans, I'm not shocked that people are unfaithful or lie. |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
We came into the lifestyle together, and are free do do what we want, play alone, split up in clubs, separate room meets etc. So we don't really understand why you would try to do that behind each others back when you have freedom to play as you wish.
OP, out of interest, when this has happened to you have you had as much freedom as above, or has it been that you only will play as same room couples and only meet together? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I only see the other side of this (obviously) but it does surprise me the number of messages I get from the male half of couples wanting to meet alone on the quiet, the same couples who are often to be found condemning cheaters on other threads. It happens a lot.
If a couple is doing this as a last ditch attempt to save their relationship perhaps it's not that surprising. They're a million miles away from couples doing this for the right reasons. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We came into the lifestyle together, and are free do do what we want, play alone, split up in clubs, separate room meets etc. So we don't really understand why you would try to do that behind each others back when you have freedom to play as you wish.
OP, out of interest, when this has happened to you have you had as much freedom as above, or has it been that you only will play as same room couples and only meet together? "
Because not everyone has carte blanche to do what they want. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I only see the other side of this (obviously) but it does surprise me the number of messages I get from the male half of couples wanting to meet alone on the quiet, the same couples who are often to be found condemning cheaters on other threads. It happens a lot.
If a couple is doing this as a last ditch attempt to save their relationship perhaps it's not that surprising. They're a million miles away from couples doing this for the right reasons."
There is a lot of hypocrisy here,and a lot of people painting a different picture to what they are actually doing. It's like they want approval or to be accepted on the forums. |
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OP, out of interest, when this has happened to you have you had as much freedom as above, or has it been that you only will play as same room couples and only meet together? "
One was when there were problems, another was a result of separate room swinging, and the other came just after the other party said they couldn't handle swinging/seeing or thinking about me with someone else, together or apart.
I also know of many couples who got together as singles who are habitually unfaithful, it wasn't just my experience. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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May i ask the OP. Can you personally have NSA sex with another man without it affecting your feelings for your partner?
Does arguing about money, family or some other matter cause more relationship issues than simply watching him have sex with another woman at a meet?
If those are true then is his "infidelity" a serious matter or your in built response to the "monagamy is good" indoctrination? |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"We came into the lifestyle together, and are free do do what we want, play alone, split up in clubs, separate room meets etc. So we don't really understand why you would try to do that behind each others back when you have freedom to play as you wish.
"
We are swingers and we don't do any of those things....we play together - with other people...the whole point for us is to see each other having fun so you cannot assume because you play completely independent of each other that everyone does. Swinging is not the same as cheating and if someone wants to cheat they will - for the same reasons that real world cheaters cheat |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is a lot of this sadly. I've had messages from the male halves of couples asking to meet alone in secret. Now I'm very selective about couples I meet.
I think some people are just fundamentally unable to stick to agreed boundaries, even when that includes swinging. In my view such people shouldn't really be in a relationship. |
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"May i ask the OP. Can you personally have NSA sex with another man without it affecting your feelings for your partner?
Does arguing about money, family or some other matter cause more relationship issues than simply watching him have sex with another woman at a meet?
If those are true then is his "infidelity" a serious matter or your in built response to the "monagamy is good" indoctrination? "
Yes, sex does not equate to feelings. I am not talking about the times you are present or know that they have gone to x club, I'm talking about dishonesty, lying, having secret meets whilst you're at work, Cancelling parties because if you go you might bump into someone who lets the cat out of the bag, etc. I dont mean jealousy. Is there something about being a single in the scene which skews ability to maintain faith when in a relationship. My observation (valid or invalid) in musing being, the couples I know who are strongest Are those who entered the lifestyle together. |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"We came into the lifestyle together, and are free do do what we want, play alone, split up in clubs, separate room meets etc. So we don't really understand why you would try to do that behind each others back when you have freedom to play as you wish.
We are swingers and we don't do any of those things....we play together - with other people...the whole point for us is to see each other having fun so you cannot assume because you play completely independent of each other that everyone does. Swinging is not the same as cheating and if someone wants to cheat they will - for the same reasons that real world cheaters cheat"
I know that not many couples play in the same way that we do, thats why I described what our dynamic is.
For us the whole point of swinging was that we wanted to have a release valve and a way to act on our desires for sex outside marriage without affairs that would ruin our marriage. That's why for us, being able to see the other isn't important, I want to know that Mrs is happy, so that I can concentrate on having fun with my play partner, and it's exactly the same for her. |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
We have always had the best sex ever with each other so this doesn't add anything more exciting to our sex life. It does add the ability to see each other play in a way that we can't when we are doing each other.
I get to see him kissing and licking - I know what if feels like but with others there I can watch it 
We have made great friends here and that is lovely - people you can be open and honest with sexually - with the added advantage of knowing each other intimately.
Neither of us has ever felt the need or desire to cheat and we have been together 17 years - only swinging for 18 months. If either of us wanted to stop this we could, in a heartbeat because It is fun but not important to our relationship.
We know of people who play nearly every day and wonder if they have any time for each other knowing for us this is an occasional diversion from the very fulfilling life we have together.
Everyone swings for different reasons and ours mainly is because it's fun to watch each other - when it stops being fun we will move on to something else |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
I am part of a couple!
We swing just for fun. Neither of us ever felt the need to cheat.
It started when I said I thought I was bi and she was keen to help me explore that side.
I was happy for her to swing and initially she said she only ever wanted to do oral as I was fucking her. That lasted about half an hour! Lol.
If one of us had a problem with it, we would just stop. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We came into the lifestyle together, and are free do do what we want, play alone, split up in clubs, separate room meets etc. So we don't really understand why you would try to do that behind each others back when you have freedom to play as you wish.
We are swingers and we don't do any of those things....we play together - with other people...the whole point for us is to see each other having fun so you cannot assume because you play completely independent of each other that everyone does. Swinging is not the same as cheating and if someone wants to cheat they will - for the same reasons that real world cheaters cheat"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
Not sure what the difference is? Neither of us believe in sexual monogamy so we'd probably cheat if we weren't swingers. But when we swing we generally look for partners that are different to each other for some variety.
I find swinging creates trust which is an incentive not to cheat. I (husband) wouldn't go behind my wife's back because the risk is that she'd lose all trust in me and not want to swing together anymore. Having had many failed vanilla relationships, I'm not going to risk a swinging one that works. Lying is harder then telling the truth! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I only see the other side of this (obviously) but it does surprise me the number of messages I get from the male half of couples wanting to meet alone on the quiet, the same couples who are often to be found condemning cheaters on other threads. It happens a lot.
If a couple is doing this as a last ditch attempt to save their relationship perhaps it's not that surprising. They're a million miles away from couples doing this for the right reasons."
Yep! Had the same thing, guys within swinging couples sending messages without the other half knowing, passing me telephone numbers to meet in secret, have heard of women doing it to, it happens in all walks of life, it's just annoying when SOME swinging couples get on their high horse about people cheating, it happens even within swinging, sad but true |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
Interesting question. There seems to be an unusually large amount of couples lately that have said on the forum that they only swing as an alternative to cheating.  |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat?
Interesting question. There seems to be an unusually large amount of couples lately that have said on the forum that they only swing as an alternative to cheating. "
Well we saw it as Every culture, religion, country etc. throughout history has had infidelity. So it must be part of the human condition. If you read books such as Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, you will even find that the same of a human penis is designed to scoop out the cum of the previous partner. If humans were designed for monogamy we obviously wouldn't need this. We personally have seen friends and family torn apart by infidelity, so we thought instead of us having those urges at some point in the future, let's try swinging. It wasn't a case of "I feel like cheating, let's start swinging" it was more, our marriage is fantastic, let's make sure it stays that way. In fact it has got even better |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I only see the other side of this (obviously) but it does surprise me the number of messages I get from the male half of couples wanting to meet alone on the quiet, the same couples who are often to be found condemning cheaters on other threads. It happens a lot.
If a couple is doing this as a last ditch attempt to save their relationship perhaps it's not that surprising. They're a million miles away from couples doing this for the right reasons.
There is a lot of hypocrisy here,and a lot of people painting a different picture to what they are actually doing. It's like they want approval or to be accepted on the forums. "
Exactly Miss Lovely
Like Anna I am messaged a lot by one half of the couple which makes me think was one of them 'pushed' into this lifestyle in a bid to save a failing marriage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
We all swing because we enjoy having sex with lots of people.
It's not so that none of us feel the need to cheat. You can still cheat in our relationships, it's just much harder than in many other peoples relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat?
Interesting question. There seems to be an unusually large amount of couples lately that have said on the forum that they only swing as an alternative to cheating.
Well we saw it as Every culture, religion, country etc. throughout history has had infidelity. So it must be part of the human condition. If you read books such as Sperm Wars by Robin Baker, you will even find that the same of a human penis is designed to scoop out the cum of the previous partner. If humans were designed for monogamy we obviously wouldn't need this. We personally have seen friends and family torn apart by infidelity, so we thought instead of us having those urges at some point in the future, let's try swinging. It wasn't a case of "I feel like cheating, let's start swinging" it was more, our marriage is fantastic, let's make sure it stays that way. In fact it has got even better "
I thought a penis was designed for my pleasure |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat?
We all swing because we enjoy having sex with lots of people.
It's not so that none of us feel the need to cheat. You can still cheat in our relationships, it's just much harder than in many other peoples relationships."
Why is it harder? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat?
We all swing because we enjoy having sex with lots of people.
It's not so that none of us feel the need to cheat. You can still cheat in our relationships, it's just much harder than in many other peoples relationships.
Why is it harder? "
In a strictly monogamous relationship cheating is usually considered things like: kissing another person, having sex with another person, sexting another person.
In our relationships we can do all those things without having to tell anyone else involved.
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We agree with the op insomuch that couples that start swinging together are more solid , and less likely to cheat on each other .
We aren't in the slightest bit bothered about other people's relationships , it's our own that matters to us . We wouldn't dream of cheating on each other , or even messaging anyone without the other knowing .
After four and half years of doing this , we have never doubted each other , and neither of us swung before doing it together .
We do it because we love it , the people , the lifestyle , the fun . Neither of us had ever cheated in the past .
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"May i ask the OP. Can you personally have NSA sex with another man without it affecting your feelings for your partner?
Does arguing about money, family or some other matter cause more relationship issues than simply watching him have sex with another woman at a meet?
If those are true then is his "infidelity" a serious matter or your in built response to the "monagamy is good" indoctrination?
Yes, sex does not equate to feelings. I am not talking about the times you are present or know that they have gone to x club, I'm talking about dishonesty, lying, having secret meets whilst you're at work, Cancelling parties because if you go you might bump into someone who lets the cat out of the bag, etc. I dont mean jealousy. Is there something about being a single in the scene which skews ability to maintain faith when in a relationship. My observation (valid or invalid) in musing being, the couples I know who are strongest Are those who entered the lifestyle together. "
I wonder why he feels the need to not tell you of his meets and hide from those he has met? If he can do it with you there why can he not simply say say he has a great sex offer and is going over to take it up? How would you react?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A question to couples. Do you swing because it's an enhancement to your sex life or so neither of you feels the need to cheat? "
Just wanted to call this out as a question that's implicitly biased towards monogamy as both options are negatives. If we reversed the moral compass it might look like this...
A question to couples. Are you monogamous because you find everyone else unattractive or is it because you have no passion left for life?
Sometimes the best reason to try something is simply because you haven't tried it before and you think you both might like it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"May i ask the OP. Can you personally have NSA sex with another man without it affecting your feelings for your partner?
Does arguing about money, family or some other matter cause more relationship issues than simply watching him have sex with another woman at a meet?
If those are true then is his "infidelity" a serious matter or your in built response to the "monagamy is good" indoctrination?
Yes, sex does not equate to feelings. I am not talking about the times you are present or know that they have gone to x club, I'm talking about dishonesty, lying, having secret meets whilst you're at work, Cancelling parties because if you go you might bump into someone who lets the cat out of the bag, etc. I dont mean jealousy. Is there something about being a single in the scene which skews ability to maintain faith when in a relationship. My observation (valid or invalid) in musing being, the couples I know who are strongest Are those who entered the lifestyle together.
I wonder why he feels the need to not tell you of his meets and hide from those he has met? If he can do it with you there why can he not simply say say he has a great sex offer and is going over to take it up? How would you react? "
does it really matter why he feels the need to not tell her... The fact is that this can be devastating in a vanilla relationship yet somehow in many ways is worse in this lifestyle.
I now have an issue with meeting alone due to theamount of women that approach Mr to meet behind my back... And because of that I now am only happy playing same room and together. Had women try to bareback, approached to "meet without telling me " and in general now I have lost that part of the lifestyle.
It is common from what I have found both on men and womens side... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wait a minute.... Wait a minute......
You're are telling me males in couples cheat...
Op I must be a dumb Yankee, because it doesn't make sense to me. Why would a guy from a couple try to meet a female solo? He could have any woman he wants if he lets the female half of the couple , do all the communications. 
Also why would the male half lie and go to parties and clubs without his female half. First he would have to pay more as a single male then he would have to join the zombie wanking squad at the club. Since couples hate the single males in clubs
So please explain why a man in a couple, would give up the benefits of being in a couple to go back to being a single male.. That sounds crazy  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know of a couple on here (who I happen to know outside of Fab) where he has a profile his wife doesn't know about, attends clubs on his own and tried to proposition me into meeting with an offer of payment for a fantasy he wanted. I chose not to meet him because I felt uncomfortable in the knowledge that I know both of them and their kids |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first."
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it. |
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"Wait a minute.... Wait a minute......
You're are telling me males in couples cheat...
Op I must be a dumb Yankee, because it doesn't make sense to me. Why would a guy from a couple try to meet a female solo? He could have any woman he wants if he lets the female half of the couple , do all the communications.
Also why would the male half lie and go to parties and clubs without his female half. First he would have to pay more as a single male then he would have to join the zombie wanking squad at the club. Since couples hate the single males in clubs
So please explain why a man in a couple, would give up the benefits of being in a couple to go back to being a single male.. That sounds crazy "
Have you read all of the posts before yours? If not, do so. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first.
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it. "
I don't understand. He can still cheat on you (in theory). He could meet someone behind your back.  |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first.
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it. "
A serial cheater will still cheat - being a swinger will not change that.....suppose he wants a girl in his workplace who isn't a swinger....do you think he will say 'oh no we are going to a club this weekend to meet up with a couple so I forbid myself from wanting her'?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
"
I was trying to say this and got myself all tangled up |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first.
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it.
A serial cheater will still cheat - being a swinger will not change that.....suppose he wants a girl in his workplace who isn't a swinger....do you think he will say 'oh no we are going to a club this weekend to meet up with a couple so I forbid myself from wanting her'?? "
If he saw a girl in his workplace or in the pub or in the street... He could fuck her. He has the freedom to fuck whomever he wants. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
"
He likes the thrill of cheating and I've removed that. So in a vanilla sense, he can't cheat on me. Like another person said, cheating for me is him not using a condom or him not telling me he's been on a meet. So I have to create another avenue of thrill seeking for him.
By all means I am not saying that this lifestyle will fix his cheating ways. I'm saying he has been honest about his background with me and admitted it's a problem and we both would swing regardless, so we are trying to look at ways to make our relationship different from what's happened in the past. |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first.
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it.
A serial cheater will still cheat - being a swinger will not change that.....suppose he wants a girl in his workplace who isn't a swinger....do you think he will say 'oh no we are going to a club this weekend to meet up with a couple so I forbid myself from wanting her'??
If he saw a girl in his workplace or in the pub or in the street... He could fuck her. He has the freedom to fuck whomever he wants. "
That sounds less like swinging and more like you have given up on the relationship you initially wanted. I am not sure if that would even count as an open relationship?? Someone will be able to confirm if in an open relationship you are supposed to discuss who, were and when someone has sex before hand and both agree or your guy does whatever he wants and you hear about if afterwards - maybe?? Which would make him not a swinger, not an open relationship and still a cheater.....I would be interested to know the dynamics of a typical open relationship with regards to agreement before the act or giving details after the act? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If its shared and all are in agreement I think it's Okay. If its dbehind one of the partners back... Then its cheating and in this lifestyle could wreck it just as much if not more so than vanilla.
As how do you get over cheating in this lifestyle... As with a normal one the first thing you would get advised is to end the sex with others and no revenge cheating. I think as a relationship of any sort in this lifestyle has to be based on trust and if that's broken ... It's hard to do and enjoy this x
Not impossible as many sort it out but I can not imagine it's easy x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
"
I understand the reasoning mentioned as to why someone still cheats.
So I feel that some couples who try swinging as a way to stop a partner from cheating with the 'they have no need to cheat on me as they have carte blanche to fuck anyone' are in effect just kidding themselves in the long term. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Cheating in our relationships is basically things like; having unprotected sex that hasn't been agreed in advance with other people you have unprotected sex with. Having sex with someones ex without checking in with that person first.
Cheating in my relationship is breaking one of our swinging rules/boundaries.
My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous. But he never been in a swinging relationship before. So to the person that asked the motivation for swinging relationships. Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it.
A serial cheater will still cheat - being a swinger will not change that.....suppose he wants a girl in his workplace who isn't a swinger....do you think he will say 'oh no we are going to a club this weekend to meet up with a couple so I forbid myself from wanting her'??
If he saw a girl in his workplace or in the pub or in the street... He could fuck her. He has the freedom to fuck whomever he wants.
That sounds less like swinging and more like you have given up on the relationship you initially wanted. I am not sure if that would even count as an open relationship?? Someone will be able to confirm if in an open relationship you are supposed to discuss who, were and when someone has sex before hand and both agree or your guy does whatever he wants and you hear about if afterwards - maybe?? Which would make him not a swinger, not an open relationship and still a cheater.....I would be interested to know the dynamics of a typical open relationship with regards to agreement before the act or giving details after the act?"
It's quite strange that you would think I have given up on my relationship. And also that it wouldn't class as swinging or an open relationship. I find labels boring. I guess we are not classic swingers. We do what makes us happy. We are very much in love and our relationship is hard work. We both put effort in. Our lifestyle is challenging but very much worth the effort.
Of course we discuss who he fucks. Or who I play with. We can say no to each other's choices. I've had phonecalls saying.... I've got the chance of fucking this girl, right here, right now, is that cool?
We have mixed things up to try and create a thrill in other ways rather than cheating such as he will ring me while he's fucking them or take films or I go with him and watch.
The bigger challenge has been getting him to open up and discuss who else we play with. Like I said, it's taken lots of effort and lots of negotiation.
But please don't judge my relationship as having given up simply because I let him fuck who he wants. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
That sounds less like swinging and more like you have given up on the relationship you initially wanted. I am not sure if that would even count as an open relationship?? Someone will be able to confirm if in an open relationship you are supposed to discuss who, were and when someone has sex before hand and both agree or your guy does whatever he wants and you hear about if afterwards - maybe?? Which would make him not a swinger, not an open relationship and still a cheater.....I would be interested to know the dynamics of a typical open relationship with regards to agreement before the act or giving details after the act?"
Open relationships are negotiated between parties.
At the moment I have one partner where the deal is that he tells me who he's slept with, and one partner where he doesn't tell me who he's slept with.
There's no right or wrong way to do non-monogamy, as long as you are open and honest within the boundaries that you've agreed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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@pissggirl... Sorry I can't reply in a quote as my phone ia playing up.
I'm curious and also commend you. Much of my experience in cheating comes from working with people that are working through it and some personal experience.
I get what your saying about finding the thrill as some people Ive spoken to have said the same. Thing is how do you find the strength to trust him... Do you not find yourself worrying.
Does he always ask you first? And if you didn't like.someone would that be the end of it... I'm curious as for all my experience helping people get over relationship problems, I find my taught and common sense advice doesn't work for swinging relationships as well. So its always interesting to hear..
Used to work for relate btw x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
I understand the reasoning mentioned as to why someone still cheats.
So I feel that some couples who try swinging as a way to stop a partner from cheating with the 'they have no need to cheat on me as they have carte blanche to fuck anyone' are in effect just kidding themselves in the long term."
I think you're being extraordinarily judgemental about a style of relationship that you don't understand.
I'm not kidding myself about my partner, and he's not kidding himself about me. We're very happy, we've been doing this for years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
As how do you get over cheating in this lifestyle... "
When my ex cheated on my last year I didn't do anything special to "get over" it. I just had a cuddle with one of my other partners (aka, a friend) and was a bit sad for a few days. Then I remembered that we clearly weren't compatible and that the trust had gone, and got on with my life. |
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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago
Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you) |
"My boyfriend's history is he is a serial cheater. He just cannot be monogamous.
Ours is for both sexual freedom, fun and reducing hopefully, 'cheating' in a vanilla sense. He can't cheat on me because he can fuck who he wants. He just has to be honest about it.
It's quite strange that you would think I have given up on my relationship. And also that it wouldn't class as swinging or an open relationship. I find labels boring. I guess we are not classic swingers. We do what makes us happy. We are very much in love and our relationship is hard work. We both put effort in. Our lifestyle is challenging but very much worth the effort.
Of course we discuss who he fucks. Or who I play with. We can say no to each other's choices. I've had phonecalls saying.... I've got the chance of fucking this girl, right here, right now, is that cool?
We have mixed things up to try and create a thrill in other ways rather than cheating such as he will ring me while he's fucking them or take films or I go with him and watch.
The bigger challenge has been getting him to open up and discuss who else we play with. Like I said, it's taken lots of effort and lots of negotiation.
But please don't judge my relationship as having given up simply because I let him fuck who he wants. "
I apologise if it came out wrong. I was concentrating on the serial cheating and trying to find out if an open relationship covered your particular dynamics.
Everyone swings for different reasons which is cool but because we kind of drifted into it for fun rather than to stop vanilla cheating I couldn't see the difference.
I guess we are lucky because our relationship does not take a lot of hard work or negotiations and this is just a giggle for us. We don't need to make it exciting because what we have together is far better than any thrill we get here.
I now know that because you all agree before hand it works for you and that is the important bit |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"@pissggirl... Sorry I can't reply in a quote as my phone ia playing up.
I'm curious and also commend you. Much of my experience in cheating comes from working with people that are working through it and some personal experience.
I get what your saying about finding the thrill as some people Ive spoken to have said the same. Thing is how do you find the strength to trust him... Do you not find yourself worrying.
Does he always ask you first? And if you didn't like.someone would that be the end of it... I'm curious as for all my experience helping people get over relationship problems, I find my taught and common sense advice doesn't work for swinging relationships as well. So its always interesting to hear..
Used to work for relate btw x "
I suppose what I was presented with was this... We started out as fuckbuddies and emotions kicked in so started a relationship and both agreed to continue swinging together. He is open about his past. I know everything. He also fessed up to things he'd done at the start of our relationship, which was hurtful. But I chose to give it a chance. Honestly, it is hard work. A lot has been trial and error. We have done stuff and then talked about it and said, well actually, that didn't sit right with me.
To the person that asked if we talk before or after, he did go on a few meets and then tell me after and I didn't like it, so now he does it before. We have both ruled out people for the other person to at with. For various reasons. And we both have respected those reasons.
Can I trust him? He's a serial liar. Sometimes it's like a knee jerk reaction. He has. Get Out of Jail Free card. If he owns up to a mistake or a lie or a blatant fuck up, then we deal with it and move on.
It's not all one sided. I'm not perfect. I have issues that he works through with me too. At the moment, we work. And working at a relationship for me, is showing my commitment to it. I'll happily put time and effort and negotiation into it if it needs it. If it makes us happy.
I think we have finally reached a level though now where we can read each other so well, predict each other's responses, we know what the other will and won't be happy with and I guess we have found our rhythm, so there isn't that much work to do. The foundations have been laid and we are chilling and enjoying.
Like I said, it's not a fix or a solution but I'm trying to do my best to not repeat mistakes.
And he's a thrill seeker. So am I. I get it from one direction, he used to get it from cheating. Now he's found alternative thrills. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some interesting and for me thought provoking answers x thank you for those being so honest.
@waspHunter.. I was more Meaning those that choose to sort the relationship after cheating rather have than those that decide to walk away x but thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To those not understanding why anyone would cheat in this lifestyle. Often someone who cheats gets off on the thrill of the fact they shouldn't be doing it and maybe even the risk of getting caught... So if they have their partners permission its not the same.
I understand the reasoning mentioned as to why someone still cheats.
So I feel that some couples who try swinging as a way to stop a partner from cheating with the 'they have no need to cheat on me as they have carte blanche to fuck anyone' are in effect just kidding themselves in the long term.
I think you're being extraordinarily judgemental about a style of relationship that you don't understand.
I'm not kidding myself about my partner, and he's not kidding himself about me. We're very happy, we've been doing this for years."
I'm not being judgemental at all I'm saying what I feel based on people's responces.
I have no issue with people cheating but I know you do along with others and that's fine as that is your / their opinion.
I have not singled you out personally & what you & others do in their relationship is no concern of mine.
But I have seen people on here say what I said earlier and then they are shocked & devestated when they find out that this lifestyle couldn't stop the cheating in the long run.
And judgemental, really.....that's a classic case of pot calling kettle
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some interesting and for me thought provoking answers x thank you for those being so honest.
@waspHunter.. I was more Meaning those that choose to sort the relationship after cheating rather have than those that decide to walk away x but thank you "
I'd appreciate your thoughts or suggestions. Privately or publicly.
I'm not kidding myself, I know it's not an ideal position to be in and I don't think for a second, I can change him, nor do I want to. I just want maximum happiness together with minimum distress.
I know I going massively off topic here from the original thread but I suppose I see us both as sex addicts. And a relationship between two addicts is surely not the best and most stable. But then, putting either of us in a vanilla relationship wouldn't work and hasn't done in the past. |
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We're lucky, we occasionally have meets as singles but we tell each other about them before they happen and afterwards and check the other is happy for it to happen.
We don't feel we need to hide it from each other because we enjoy playing together with others and think of this lifestyle as a fun addition to us as a couple rather than our full way of life- if I'm explaining that well enough.
Sometimes we speak to couples where one or other of us doesn't fancy one of the partners but the other of us really wants to play, so we agree between us if they really want to and are happy for one of us to join them then we do. Inevitably I have more offers than A does being a guy his options I guess are more limited on here to pla alone, but so far (touch wood) we've been open with each other and it's worked. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wait a minute.... Wait a minute......
You're are telling me males in couples cheat...
Op I must be a dumb Yankee, because it doesn't make sense to me. Why would a guy from a couple try to meet a female solo? He could have any woman he wants if he lets the female half of the couple , do all the communications.
Also why would the male half lie and go to parties and clubs without his female half. First he would have to pay more as a single male then he would have to join the zombie wanking squad at the club. Since couples hate the single males in clubs
So please explain why a man in a couple, would give up the benefits of being in a couple to go back to being a single male.. That sounds crazy
Have you read all of the posts before yours? If not, do so."
I was trying to be cheeky.... |
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"I dont mean people on here whose vanilla other halves dont know. I mean within couples who swing together.
I always thought the lifestyle was built on morals and an ethos of honesty and not harming others. I entered the scene through an experienced partner who introduced me to it, and subsequently had two other relationships with swingers. I experienced infidelity in all three exclusive but swinging relationships. (1 attempted, 1 serial adulterer and 1 pretty big 'mistake') almost all in swinging contexts, eg secret meets, sneaking off to parties alone etc-most when there were no problems in the relationship at all. Which made me wonder if being in the scene as a single makes it just too easy and accessible, and distorts view what a relationship should be, when one comes along. I think the only couples I know who are happy and have a sound relationship are those who came into the scene as newbies together. I wondered if anyone else had noticed same or if I'm just being pessimistic. "
I am always surprised people don't expect swingers in a couple to cheat too I would say from experience there are more in swinging than out of it as extramarital sex isn't as big an issue to swingers. |
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"Wait a minute.... Wait a minute......
You're are telling me males in couples cheat...
Op I must be a dumb Yankee, because it doesn't make sense to me. Why would a guy from a couple try to meet a female solo? He could have any woman he wants if he lets the female half of the couple , do all the communications.
Also why would the male half lie and go to parties and clubs without his female half. First he would have to pay more as a single male then he would have to join the zombie wanking squad at the club. Since couples hate the single males in clubs
So please explain why a man in a couple, would give up the benefits of being in a couple to go back to being a single male.. That sounds crazy
Have you read all of the posts before yours? If not, do so.
I was trying to be cheeky.... "
My bad. I thought you were being American  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In an attempt to answer this question seriously... I would say that the swinging lifestyle has more shades of grey in it concerning cheating. Partners can have differing views on what's "no big deal" or not which can cause one to do something the other finds hurtful. Some can fail to read the red lights when they start going up, perhaps twisting their partner's arm into going further than they feel comfortable... which may also lead to the feeling of something dirty and wrong having happened between them. And there is a certain playing with fire when couples start to play with others in private. I can imagine someone thinking its really not a big deal what they tell their partner once their partner has basically consented to everything. So it can be a bit of a slippery slope for some couples.
But I'd argue that, even though this is the case, there probably isn't much more cheating in swinging than there is in the vanilla world... and there may even be less of it. I'm sure there is a lot more activity in the swinging world which vanilla heads would call cheating... but swingers wouldn't. For example my wife and I have an agreement that we can get up to all sorts of low level erotic naughtiness just as long as it isn't full on sex and we tell each other about it directly afterwards. I'm sure there are some who would view that as effectively cheating... but we just see it as harmless erotic fun.
I hope this answers some of the questions posed by the OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
OP, out of interest, when this has happened to you have you had as much freedom as above, or has it been that you only will play as same room couples and only meet together?
One was when there were problems, another was a result of separate room swinging, and the other came just after the other party said they couldn't handle swinging/seeing or thinking about me with someone else, together or apart.
I also know of many couples who got together as singles who are habitually unfaithful, it wasn't just my experience."
Me and my partner met on here as singles. I know we both wouldn't do anything behind each other's back,we have complete trust. We have no reason to cheat as we have a brilliant relationship with nothing lacking what so ever x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I only see the other side of this (obviously) but it does surprise me the number of messages I get from the male half of couples wanting to meet alone on the quiet, the same couples who are often to be found condemning cheaters on other threads. It happens a lot.
"
I have seen you post similar stuff before. I'm surprised your still surprised. |
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