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Fetishes.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?"
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can. |
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can."
What do you mean by vanilla? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes if the benefits to them outweigh the rewards they get from their fetish. Unless a fetish is damaging the life of the fetishist or people they care for it is unlikely to happen. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?"
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me. |
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me."
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek. "
Yeah i'm thinking the same. Feel pretty sad about it as well, was hoping someone would have a success story about overcoming their fetishes and having a happy enough life without them. Suppose it's all personal at the end of the day anyway, so even if someone else has then it might not work for everyone.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most people combine a vanilla life with their fetishes, some are lucky enough to be able to share their fetishes with their partners. Why would you want to cure something that isn't an illness ?"
Agreed we have a pretty vanilla life but have fetishes that are amazing to share in our play time.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I often wonder whether I could live without my kink.
Perhaps, for a certain length of time, but I regularly urge for rubber, bdsm, role play etc so it's does form part of the main fabric of my sexual make-up...
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek.
Yeah i'm thinking the same. Feel pretty sad about it as well, was hoping someone would have a success story about overcoming their fetishes and having a happy enough life without them. Suppose it's all personal at the end of the day anyway, so even if someone else has then it might not work for everyone.
"
I don't think a fetish can be overcome but it could be suppressed I suppose. Sex is a big problem sometimes  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's all about balance
Work life sex and kink... Try not to get obsessed about your fet and channel energies elsewhere like baking lol let your fet be expressed in the bedroom only... Unless you've got it real bad and you need to visit the de- fet doctor x  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek.
Yeah i'm thinking the same. Feel pretty sad about it as well, was hoping someone would have a success story about overcoming their fetishes and having a happy enough life without them. Suppose it's all personal at the end of the day anyway, so even if someone else has then it might not work for everyone.
I don't think a fetish can be overcome but it could be suppressed I suppose. Sex is a big problem sometimes "
Thanks, you helped me make a bit more sense of everything going on right now.
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
Hi OP, you might want to try listening to Tristan Taormino's podcast called Sex Out Loud. She recorded an episode on 26/12/14 With Dr Winston Wilde on Radical sexualities, sexual diversity And fetishes.
It's really good and really interesting and I think it will give you a good perspective or at least things to think about if you or someone else is having problems with fetishes. Good luck  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself."
I don't think you can be cured of your fetishes. you like what you like you get turned on by what you get turned on by. |
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek.
Yeah i'm thinking the same. Feel pretty sad about it as well, was hoping someone would have a success story about overcoming their fetishes and having a happy enough life without them. Suppose it's all personal at the end of the day anyway, so even if someone else has then it might not work for everyone.
I don't think a fetish can be overcome but it could be suppressed I suppose. Sex is a big problem sometimes
Thanks, you helped me make a bit more sense of everything going on right now.
"
I'm happy about that but sorry that you needed it |
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Try as I have over the years and it has cost thousands every time I purge Katie's wardrobe of dresses, skirts, tops,underwear,stockings and high heels etc, she always finds her way back and I end up filling another wardrobe full of women's clothing and high heels, been dressing since early teens and I think I ways will |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself."
Sure, why not? It's like anything else, you just choose not to participate in that activity.
I have partners who I do kink with and partners who I don't. I lived with a guy for a while monogamously and did no kink at all. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek. "
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do you think there is a need to 'cure' anyone?
I don't. It is for personal reasons and leaving it at that, just wondering if anyone can lead a vanilla life when they have one, and if anyone has. I said i don't think you can.
What do you mean by vanilla?
Just a normal life that the majority of people have. Be a couple, have sex in loads of different positions and oral and that, just not include their fetishes ever again.
I feel like not being able to indulge in something you like, sexually, just means you aren't completely intimate with someone and will be left unfulfilled. Might be immature of me because sex isn't everything but it's a big part of a relationship for me.
I would agree with you there. I suppose if you like bdsm and your partner finds it abhorrent you're basically up the creek.
"
A very basic fetish I have is watching porn...I lived with a guy who when he found out he was offended by this and said I should be man enough for him....he actually was quite a good fuck and had a nice cock...but still needed the mental kick that watching porn gives me....also since being a swinger I know that I like spit roast waaaay more than I ever thought...again a LTR would have to be with a guy that accepted that and would be happy to occasionally do it...still quite a vanilla fetish as I have many others a lot worse ha ha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself."
why if they are happy with it why should they or we be cured? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to. "
damm right |
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself."
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The good thing about my fetishes they dont come (excuse the pun) everyday or week. I'm into pantie sniffing and catcing girls pee in public(more common then you think in London). So for me I dont get bored of it and feel the need to give it up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself.
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him."
do you feel happier for telling him? x |
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself.
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him.
do you feel happier for telling him? x"
Absolutely. It was petrifying, I've been with Neil years and I may have hinted to this and that but really coming out about the stuff that drives me nuts I was nearly sick. But he took it well, indulged me, told me about some of his and we're in a better place for it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to. "
Maybe their is a big difference between love and sex.
I love my wife to bits, we have been together since school but she dont like sex.
She knows my feteishes and helps me out sometimes but if not I go elsewhere,if thats cheating then so be it she dont seem guilty for turning me down almost everytime I want sex so I dont feel guilty if I meet someone or indulge in my fetish.
for the record this is not meant to be a nasty reply so sorry if it comes across as one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself.
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him.
do you feel happier for telling him? x
Absolutely. It was petrifying, I've been with Neil years and I may have hinted to this and that but really coming out about the stuff that drives me nuts I was nearly sick. But he took it well, indulged me, told me about some of his and we're in a better place for it."
Fantastic you opened up to him whatever it was. Your still together so it couldnt have been that bad afterall |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to. "
I agree with this yeah.
Thanks for all the replies, mainly just thinking right now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to.
Maybe their is a big difference between love and sex.
I love my wife to bits, we have been together since school but she dont like sex.
She knows my feteishes and helps me out sometimes but if not I go elsewhere,if thats cheating then so be it she dont seem guilty for turning me down almost everytime I want sex so I dont feel guilty if I meet someone or indulge in my fetish.
for the record this is not meant to be a nasty reply so sorry if it comes across as one."
Does she know you go elsewhere? Also in your circumstances you're not oppressing them, if she knows but chooses to either indulge or not that's different. I think the OP was asking if it's possible to never disclose them to your partner, to oppress the feelings of desire you have for certain things. (I'm not having a go either  ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to.
I agree with this yeah.
Thanks for all the replies, mainly just thinking right now."
Maybe there's two sides to this. If your fetish is more significant to you than the person you feel may disapprove, then you have a decision to make. If the reverse is true, but you feel unable to give up the fetish, then maybe you need to talk to a CBT counselor or something similar. |
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself.
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him.
do you feel happier for telling him? x
Absolutely. It was petrifying, I've been with Neil years and I may have hinted to this and that but really coming out about the stuff that drives me nuts I was nearly sick. But he took it well, indulged me, told me about some of his and we're in a better place for it.
Fantastic you opened up to him whatever it was. Your still together so it couldnt have been that bad afterall "
We worked out some mutual kinks, so it was good for him too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Look at the amount of married people on here and other sites! Hiding things leads to lies and cheating, the urges don't go away just because you want them to.
Maybe their is a big difference between love and sex.
I love my wife to bits, we have been together since school but she dont like sex.
She knows my feteishes and helps me out sometimes but if not I go elsewhere,if thats cheating then so be it she dont seem guilty for turning me down almost everytime I want sex so I dont feel guilty if I meet someone or indulge in my fetish.
for the record this is not meant to be a nasty reply so sorry if it comes across as one.
Does she know you go elsewhere? Also in your circumstances you're not oppressing them, if she knows but chooses to either indulge or not that's different. I think the OP was asking if it's possible to never disclose them to your partner, to oppress the feelings of desire you have for certain things. (I'm not having a go either )"
No she dont know I go elsewhere. She indulges in one by default really lol and another she leaves em out for me somtimes. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's definitely possible to repress things. Question is, assuming it's legal of course, do you really want to? Is it worth it?"
Lol, no it's nothing illegal/taboo.
Thanks your reply helped.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can only guess if you're in a relationship with someone you'd want the whole of you to be in that relationship, rather than hiding a part of you away. I"m not sure I could be happy if a fundamental want/need had to be set aside. As someone who plays with couples, there really is nothing better than seeing two people who've had the guts to be totally honest and open with each other. It's kind of sweet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sure it's possible.. You might grow resentful over time though which could prove damaging to your relationship.
I guess it depends on lot of factors including how strong the need is, and the reason you can't indulge it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can only guess if you're in a relationship with someone you'd want the whole of you to be in that relationship, rather than hiding a part of you away. I"m not sure I could be happy if a fundamental want/need had to be set aside. As someone who plays with couples, there really is nothing better than seeing two people who've had the guts to be totally honest and open with each other. It's kind of sweet. "
I feel quite lucky that both my best relationships were with guys that were honest and open about their fetishes from the start. I love that extra bit of intimacy it brings too.
And i agree with everyone who says don't think you can be happy without them. Grr gonna be a long haul this....
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Do you think people can be 'cured' of their fetishes? As in live a vanilla life. I don't. Just wanted some opinions on this - especially if you have managed it yourself.
I have a couple of fetishes that I kept to myself over the years, but I never let go of them. For the sake of appearances I was vanilla or just into their kinks. Around a decade of being in long term relationships where I kept myself to myself. Really hard to open up because of them, since swinging I've kinda 'come out' to him about them and even if we don't engage in those things it's a releif to not hide them.
If I could communicate anything it would be sexual repression is psychologically damaging, it has taken me years to be honest, open and comfortable with myself and him.
do you feel happier for telling him? x
Absolutely. It was petrifying, I've been with Neil years and I may have hinted to this and that but really coming out about the stuff that drives me nuts I was nearly sick. But he took it well, indulged me, told me about some of his and we're in a better place for it.
Fantastic you opened up to him whatever it was. Your still together so it couldnt have been that bad afterall
We worked out some mutual kinks, so it was good for him too. "
Thank you for your input on this thread, it is really helpful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't see why you have to. To be intimate with someone, vanilla or otherwise, means to share your fetishes and fantasies.
As for "curing" this smacks of the old idea of "curing" gayness when they used to use chemical castration or electric shock therapy....nothing to cure surely? |
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"I can only guess if you're in a relationship with someone you'd want the whole of you to be in that relationship, rather than hiding a part of you away. I"m not sure I could be happy if a fundamental want/need had to be set aside. As someone who plays with couples, there really is nothing better than seeing two people who've had the guts to be totally honest and open with each other. It's kind of sweet.
I feel quite lucky that both my best relationships were with guys that were honest and open about their fetishes from the start. I love that extra bit of intimacy it brings too.
And i agree with everyone who says don't think you can be happy without them. Grr gonna be a long haul this....
"
Unless you've met through fetish, I think it is really difficult to communicate about it. I spent some years dipping in and out of fetish by working at events, but never got the courage to discuss certain things and incorporate them in my life. People who are unfamiliar with fetish don't really get the power it has over the fetishist, how important it is to them. Good luck mulling your options over OP, rooting for you x |
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I have been asking myself a similar question, when or if i fall in love again with someone who isn't into the swinging scene, will the fact that i have have many great experiences with couples etc, have ruined any chance of what the mainstream world considers to be a normal sex life, say for example i fall head over in loves with someone who only wants and expects a monogamous relationship, would i be able to live with that or would i get bored too easy, the best thing i do know would be to fall for someone who enjoys the swinging scene, these are just my ramblings to my self in my own head, just thought i would share, x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I can only guess if you're in a relationship with someone you'd want the whole of you to be in that relationship, rather than hiding a part of you away. I"m not sure I could be happy if a fundamental want/need had to be set aside. As someone who plays with couples, there really is nothing better than seeing two people who've had the guts to be totally honest and open with each other. It's kind of sweet.
I feel quite lucky that both my best relationships were with guys that were honest and open about their fetishes from the start. I love that extra bit of intimacy it brings too.
And i agree with everyone who says don't think you can be happy without them. Grr gonna be a long haul this....
Unless you've met through fetish, I think it is really difficult to communicate about it. I spent some years dipping in and out of fetish by working at events, but never got the courage to discuss certain things and incorporate them in my life. People who are unfamiliar with fetish don't really get the power it has over the fetishist, how important it is to them. Good luck mulling your options over OP, rooting for you x"
Love to know what fetish you have that you felt was so bad. Being proper nosey but can sleep thinking about what it could be now |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for sharing people.
"Unless you've met through fetish, I think it is really difficult to communicate about it. I spent some years dipping in and out of fetish by working at events, but never got the courage to discuss certain things and incorporate them in my life. People who are unfamiliar with fetish don't really get the power it has over the fetishist, how important it is to them. Good luck mulling your options over OP, rooting for you x"
Never even looked for people with fetishes lol, they just came across me and let me know from the off. Dunno why they felt i was approachable or they could tell me but they did and i never judged them, enjoyed indulging in them for them tbh.
"Love to know what fetish you have that you felt was so bad. Being proper nosey but can sleep thinking about what it could be now"
It's not me i'm on about so not saying anything else, and they aren't on here but even so i don't wanna talk about them. Just trying to help someone through something and struggling a bit, don't wanna go into details. |
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"I can only guess if you're in a relationship with someone you'd want the whole of you to be in that relationship, rather than hiding a part of you away. I"m not sure I could be happy if a fundamental want/need had to be set aside. As someone who plays with couples, there really is nothing better than seeing two people who've had the guts to be totally honest and open with each other. It's kind of sweet.
I feel quite lucky that both my best relationships were with guys that were honest and open about their fetishes from the start. I love that extra bit of intimacy it brings too.
And i agree with everyone who says don't think you can be happy without them. Grr gonna be a long haul this....
Unless you've met through fetish, I think it is really difficult to communicate about it. I spent some years dipping in and out of fetish by working at events, but never got the courage to discuss certain things and incorporate them in my life. People who are unfamiliar with fetish don't really get the power it has over the fetishist, how important it is to them. Good luck mulling your options over OP, rooting for you x
Love to know what fetish you have that you felt was so bad. Being proper nosey but can sleep thinking about what it could be now "
well, a few of them are in our description, some are his, some are mine. Some of mine are really obvious and integral to me - piercings, general fetish wear. Bear in mind while our preference list might seem fairly standard to a lot of swingers, we were in a fairly vanilla relationship for years, so breaking out of that together was a huge change. We started swinging in November. |
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