FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Ex husband help
Ex husband help
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"He thinks we must have crazy orgies and stuff at our house all the time . And he called her a slag and a bad mother . And that their kids must be living in an unsafe environment around weirdos and perverts. We don't ever meet when we have the kids . That was something that we agreed a long time ago . And nearly all our meets are at venues and clubs" You don't need to explain yourselves to us. You do need to address this though and you also need to address his concerns. He is their father and hidden under the threats might be genuine worries. If possible a sensible discussion is the way forward but I know that might not be easy. | |||
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"You gotta love a wanky ex haven't you?! You're doing nothing wrong. Remember that! It has nothing to do with the kids nor does it affect them in any way. Nor does it reflect upon your ability to be good parents. If he wasn't kicking off about this no doubt you'd still be going through it for something else?! Sit tight and ride it out. He can threaten and intimidate all he likes. But until he actually takes it further they are idle threats. He's just a bully to my mind. " He is a bully and was always controlling of her . This is one of the reasons we have come on here , as she wants to express herself. She never felt any confidence before coming here . And this site has changed her for the better in so many ways. We are gonna ride it out but are debating wether to start a new profile or change our names or location . | |||
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"You gotta love a wanky ex haven't you?! You're doing nothing wrong. Remember that! It has nothing to do with the kids nor does it affect them in any way. Nor does it reflect upon your ability to be good parents. If he wasn't kicking off about this no doubt you'd still be going through it for something else?! Sit tight and ride it out. He can threaten and intimidate all he likes. But until he actually takes it further they are idle threats. He's just a bully to my mind. He is a bully and was always controlling of her . This is one of the reasons we have come on here , as she wants to express herself. She never felt any confidence before coming here . And this site has changed her for the better in so many ways. We are gonna ride it out but are debating wether to start a new profile or change our names or location . " I speak from experience. So I do completely understand. Sounds like the lady did good funding you. High 5 to you both. But as I do speak from experience. You and I both know that whatever you do to try and stop him finding you on here now. He'll find you regardless. It's futile. And it is allowing him to still control you both. You're better than that. Stick together and he'll realise eventually that his demands and actions have no effect. Back down now and he'll find something else to create agg over anyway. His behaviour is neither reasonable nor acceptable. But no doubt that'll never change. But why should you change because of someone else's inability to just be reasonable?! Tell him 'Bring it on!!' | |||
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"Definitely speak to a solicitor. Her ex could cause trouble with your friends, family, school. Swinging may not be illegal but general society do think it's odd. Hence why many people won't publicly have face pics. Who wants to be the subject of gossip... Good luck. x"  Particularly the chat with a solicitor. | |||
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"He thinks we must have crazy orgies and stuff at our house all the time . And he called her a slag and a bad mother . And that their kids must be living in an unsafe environment around weirdos and perverts. We don't ever meet when we have the kids . That was something that we agreed a long time ago . And nearly all our meets are at venues and clubs You don't need to explain yourselves to us. You do need to address this though and you also need to address his concerns. He is their father and hidden under the threats might be genuine worries. If possible a sensible discussion is the way forward but I know that might not be easy." I really like your comments on a lot of threads they always make a lot of sense x | |||
"He thinks we must have crazy orgies and stuff at our house all the time . And he called her a slag and a bad mother . And that their kids must be living in an unsafe environment around weirdos and perverts. We don't ever meet when we have the kids . That was something that we agreed a long time ago . And nearly all our meets are at venues and clubs You don't need to explain yourselves to us. You do need to address this though and you also need to address his concerns. He is their father and hidden under the threats might be genuine worries. If possible a sensible discussion is the way forward but I know that might not be easy. I really like your comments on a lot of threads they always make a lot of sense x"They do and we are following her advice . Jen is going round to talk to him about what we do later. Like i said we have nothing to hide. Turns out the person that told him was a very good friend of ours . So I'll be going round to talk to him as well to find out why . As for the face photos in this instance it wouldn't have mattered as this person was on our friends list. We have no shame of having our face on our profile and didn't expect this to happen as he lives in a different area from us . | |||
"He thinks we must have crazy orgies and stuff at our house all the time . And he called her a slag and a bad mother . And that their kids must be living in an unsafe environment around weirdos and perverts. We don't ever meet when we have the kids . That was something that we agreed a long time ago . And nearly all our meets are at venues and clubs You don't need to explain yourselves to us. You do need to address this though and you also need to address his concerns. He is their father and hidden under the threats might be genuine worries. If possible a sensible discussion is the way forward but I know that might not be easy. I really like your comments on a lot of threads they always make a lot of sense x"Oh, thank you | |||
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"If ive said it once, ive said it a million times...face pic+on public+swingers site = terrible idea. All the more so if you have kids. Im aware this is no help whatsover to the op but feel it still pertinent" | |||
"From personal experience one thing i have learned about control freaks is they are extremely manipulative. This is his way of manipulating your ex. He won't actually care about you or even be jealous, he just wants to control her, and by controlling the way she interacts with you is his way of controlling her. He's also trying to control her sex life as well, which is mainly you but also other swingers. She, not you, is going to have to be the one who makes it clear to him that she won't put up with his controlling behaviour. It can take ages, years even, for a control freak to get the hint that they are not allowed to control your life, and even then they will still try occasionally. But the more obvious you are about it the more likely they are to actually realise you don't care what they say to you, when it comes to your life. Best way i found to stop my ex from trying to control my life was to cut him dead completely. He would start going on at me, telling me i can't do this or that etc, an argument would happen coz obviously i'd get angry at someone telling me what to do, and he'd get something from the arguing- mainly he'd know i was actually hearing what he was telling me to do and i was taking what he said seriously because it provoked an emotional response from me. Also, he got to continue telling me what he wanted me to do despite me not agreeing to it. This is advice for her. Every interaction she has with him from now on needs to be calm, and kept as brief as possible. Keep every sentence brief and concise. He can have his say so long as he stays calm too, and so long as he understands that when you say no to something then no means no. He is not allowed to argue or quibble with you after you've made your point, he is not allowed to demand anything from you as you are separated and your adult lives are separate. So firstly, calmly and briefly make it clear that he is nothing to do with you any more, that he has no right to a say in your life as an adult at all. Also, although he has a right to a say in his childrens life, when the kids are in your care then what happens is also nothing to do with him, unless he actually believes it is causing them harm, and he has to back up anything he claims with facts. You should be able to discuss things with him, if you can both keep everything brief and he understands that he has no right to control you. I had to have my say with my ex, and if he started arguing back i would just cut him dead and not continue discussing anything at all with him to let him know that i was not interested in what he had to say at all, because he was talking about things that were nothing to do with him and he had no say in them. Unfortunately with my ex i just cannot talk to him at all now, not even to be civil because he takes being civil as a sign that i am interested in anything he has to say and it always ends up that he is obsessed with my life somehow, despite not being a part of it for over 10 years (apart from picking up his kids occasionally). This isn't a problem though as my kids with him are now 15 and 18 and they are able to interact with him without my input. Last time i interacted with him was last year and he slagged me off in front of my kids and made my then 17 year old cry in my arms because he hated his dad and loved me. I'd hardly interacted with him for years before then but that was the last straw for me. Kids aren't stupid, they know who is being reasonable and who isn't. Sadly their immaturity also means they will love both parents and arguing between them causes them a lot of internal conflict, a lot of pain and they often can't deal with this." Fantastic post. | |||
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"From personal experience one thing i have learned about control freaks is they are extremely manipulative. This is his way of manipulating your ex. He won't actually care about you or even be jealous, he just wants to control her, and by controlling the way she interacts with you is his way of controlling her. He's also trying to control her sex life as well, which is mainly you but also other swingers. She, not you, is going to have to be the one who makes it clear to him that she won't put up with his controlling behaviour. It can take ages, years even, for a control freak to get the hint that they are not allowed to control your life, and even then they will still try occasionally. But the more obvious you are about it the more likely they are to actually realise you don't care what they say to you, when it comes to your life. Best way i found to stop my ex from trying to control my life was to cut him dead completely. He would start going on at me, telling me i can't do this or that etc, an argument would happen coz obviously i'd get angry at someone telling me what to do, and he'd get something from the arguing- mainly he'd know i was actually hearing what he was telling me to do and i was taking what he said seriously because it provoked an emotional response from me. Also, he got to continue telling me what he wanted me to do despite me not agreeing to it. This is advice for her. Every interaction she has with him from now on needs to be calm, and kept as brief as possible. Keep every sentence brief and concise. He can have his say so long as he stays calm too, and so long as he understands that when you say no to something then no means no. He is not allowed to argue or quibble with you after you've made your point, he is not allowed to demand anything from you as you are separated and your adult lives are separate. So firstly, calmly and briefly make it clear that he is nothing to do with you any more, that he has no right to a say in your life as an adult at all. Also, although he has a right to a say in his childrens life, when the kids are in your care then what happens is also nothing to do with him, unless he actually believes it is causing them harm, and he has to back up anything he claims with facts. You should be able to discuss things with him, if you can both keep everything brief and he understands that he has no right to control you. I had to have my say with my ex, and if he started arguing back i would just cut him dead and not continue discussing anything at all with him to let him know that i was not interested in what he had to say at all, because he was talking about things that were nothing to do with him and he had no say in them. Unfortunately with my ex i just cannot talk to him at all now, not even to be civil because he takes being civil as a sign that i am interested in anything he has to say and it always ends up that he is obsessed with my life somehow, despite not being a part of it for over 10 years (apart from picking up his kids occasionally). This isn't a problem though as my kids with him are now 15 and 18 and they are able to interact with him without my input. Last time i interacted with him was last year and he slagged me off in front of my kids and made my then 17 year old cry in my arms because he hated his dad and loved me. I'd hardly interacted with him for years before then but that was the last straw for me. Kids aren't stupid, they know who is being reasonable and who isn't. Sadly their immaturity also means they will love both parents and arguing between them causes them a lot of internal conflict, a lot of pain and they often can't deal with this. Fantastic post. " | |||
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"Just wanted to say thank you for everyone that has posted on here and sent us private messages. This thread alone proves that swingers aren't bad people. We have decided to keep a low profile on here til the weekend then we are putting our page back online . We have way to many friends to be pushed off the site. Hopefully things will settle down and we will be able to carry on as before . Bruce " | |||
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"Fantastic post. "Thanks both. Took me a while to figure out how to deal with him but i figured it out eventually. You just have to test things out with them until you get your desired result. | |||
"He thinks we must have crazy orgies and stuff at our house all the time . And he called her a slag and a bad mother . And that their kids must be living in an unsafe environment around weirdos and perverts. We don't ever meet when we have the kids . That was something that we agreed a long time ago . And nearly all our meets are at venues and clubs You don't need to explain yourselves to us. You do need to address this though and you also need to address his concerns. He is their father and hidden under the threats might be genuine worries. If possible a sensible discussion is the way forward but I know that might not be easy. I really like your comments on a lot of threads they always make a lot of sense x
Oh, thank you "its an Eastbourne thing?? | |||
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"From personal experience one thing i have learned about control freaks is they are extremely manipulative. This is his way of manipulating your ex. He won't actually care about you or even be jealous, he just wants to control her, and by controlling the way she interacts with you is his way of controlling her. He's also trying to control her sex life as well, which is mainly you but also other swingers. She, not you, is going to have to be the one who makes it clear to him that she won't put up with his controlling behaviour. It can take ages, years even, for a control freak to get the hint that they are not allowed to control your life, and even then they will still try occasionally. But the more obvious you are about it the more likely they are to actually realise you don't care what they say to you, when it comes to your life. Best way i found to stop my ex from trying to control my life was to cut him dead completely. He would start going on at me, telling me i can't do this or that etc, an argument would happen coz obviously i'd get angry at someone telling me what to do, and he'd get something from the arguing- mainly he'd know i was actually hearing what he was telling me to do and i was taking what he said seriously because it provoked an emotional response from me. Also, he got to continue telling me what he wanted me to do despite me not agreeing to it. This is advice for her. Every interaction she has with him from now on needs to be calm, and kept as brief as possible. Keep every sentence brief and concise. He can have his say so long as he stays calm too, and so long as he understands that when you say no to something then no means no. He is not allowed to argue or quibble with you after you've made your point, he is not allowed to demand anything from you as you are separated and your adult lives are separate. So firstly, calmly and briefly make it clear that he is nothing to do with you any more, that he has no right to a say in your life as an adult at all. Also, although he has a right to a say in his childrens life, when the kids are in your care then what happens is also nothing to do with him, unless he actually believes it is causing them harm, and he has to back up anything he claims with facts. You should be able to discuss things with him, if you can both keep everything brief and he understands that he has no right to control you. I had to have my say with my ex, and if he started arguing back i would just cut him dead and not continue discussing anything at all with him to let him know that i was not interested in what he had to say at all, because he was talking about things that were nothing to do with him and he had no say in them. Unfortunately with my ex i just cannot talk to him at all now, not even to be civil because he takes being civil as a sign that i am interested in anything he has to say and it always ends up that he is obsessed with my life somehow, despite not being a part of it for over 10 years (apart from picking up his kids occasionally). This isn't a problem though as my kids with him are now 15 and 18 and they are able to interact with him without my input. Last time i interacted with him was last year and he slagged me off in front of my kids and made my then 17 year old cry in my arms because he hated his dad and loved me. I'd hardly interacted with him for years before then but that was the last straw for me. Kids aren't stupid, they know who is being reasonable and who isn't. Sadly their immaturity also means they will love both parents and arguing between them causes them a lot of internal conflict, a lot of pain and they often can't deal with this." I would find it difficult to disagree with anything you say here...It is hard to manage this technique, as it takes courage, nerve, guts and support from whoever you can get good support from, but you are completely right... | |||
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"So last night Jen got a phone call from her ex husband saying that he has found out we are on fab as someone sent all our pics to him. We were a bit freaked out to start with because we didn't know what to say. We don't hide what we do , close friends and family are aware we are on here . And we openly had all our photos on show . It's a bit weird knowing he has seen our photos but hey ho can't change that. The main problem though is her kids are his and now he's saying he doesn't want me around them as I'm obviously a weirdo and a pervert. And he is going to cause problems for us. He's already joined the site several times and we have currently put our profile to hidden . Anyone else had similar issues ? Any advice ? " Had the same thing. He took his as far as he could go and outed me to everyone. Even contacted the police with concerns that I was a risk to public safety. Final result. I'm doing nothing wrong and it backfired on him for acting like a crazy stalker. Just ride it out. Try not to paranoid and remember, it's sheer jealousy on his part. | |||
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" If he wasn't kicking off about this no doubt you'd still be going through it for something else?! " how do you know that ? | |||
"So last night Jen got a phone call from her ex husband saying that he has found out we are on fab as someone sent all our pics to him. We were a bit freaked out to start with because we didn't know what to say. We don't hide what we do , close friends and family are aware we are on here . And we openly had all our photos on show . It's a bit weird knowing he has seen our photos but hey ho can't change that. The main problem though is her kids are his and now he's saying he doesn't want me around them as I'm obviously a weirdo and a pervert. And he is going to cause problems for us. He's already joined the site several times and we have currently put our profile to hidden . Anyone else had similar issues ? Any advice ? " So you're a weirdo and a pervert yet it is perfectly acceptable for him to join Fab? | |||
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