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Relationship advice
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
Hi All, I've been dating someone recently. Just need a bit of advice, she has been out of a long term relationship since late summer, We both weren't looking for something serious, but when you really click with someone well that happened an developed from there over the last few weeks and we both really like eachother. This morning after spending all day together yesterday having a great day (mutual opinion), she contacted me saying that she was still feeling upset from her previous relationship, she doesn't want to get back with the guy, but doesn't want to hurt me during the healing process. My problem is, I now really like this girl, I know she really likes me, her friends an family say she hasn't been this happy in a long time. What do you think I should do? I think I'm best leaving her be to take sometime to think things over, but I simply just don't want to let this one get away, it feels too good. Thanks in advance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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leave her be for a while...maybe send the odd text to let her know you're thinking of her...but not one with a question,so she doesnt have to feel obliged to reply... |
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Awe bless.. I would give her space and time. A text now and again to let her know you are there when she's ready. It may take some time tho so be prepared for that. Be a friend, be gentle and if she feels for you the way you hope she will come to you when she's ready.. Good luck hon.. Hope it works out for you both x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like she doesn't want you to be the rebound guy. If she likes you and you are meant to be together then just tell her what you want and leave it up to her. Push her and you may lose her, as both a friend and potential partner.
Does she know you are on here? Maybe think whether you should be if you want to make a go of it. |
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By *MaleMan
over a year ago
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Probably wise to let her get her head together and know where she is going.
Diving straight back into emotional connection when you aint got over the last connection aint a good move for one side or the other.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Honestly sounds like she still has feelings for the other guy and if that is the case she needs to sort herself our before causing you any hurt!
So i think back away but tell her why and make sure she is 100% ready to be with you and also if you really like and she isnt a swinger but still on here then also evaluate your feelings too!
Talking to other women in a sexual way is still a form of cheating! |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
Thanks for the advise all. I will follow it. Yes she doesn't want to hurt me or me to be a rebound which is nice. I just want to be with her, I would leave this site in a heart beat if she wanted to take it serious, I haven't met or spoke with anyone else since we met. I will give her some time and see what happens. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did she ask you not to contact her?
I'm asking because i was in exactly the same situation myself, i recently split up with someone 6 months ago wasn't looking for a relationship either, met someone i really liked on here, he said he was feeling the same way (and said it first so i knew he wasn't just saying what i wanted to hear), but i was really upset about it and realised it was because i was just out of a relationship and not over it. So i asked the guy to back off and let me sort out my head. He still kept in touch but it was less intense and i was happy with that, and having another relationship started to seem appealing.
If she split up with her ex because he neglected her (which is the main reason why people split up) then cutting all contact could make her think you're the same as him. Plus, after a split you are vulnerable and really don't like to go chasing up after other guys but would appreciate someone asking how you are just so you know they care and you are lovable and you are wanted, which is the opposite of how you feel when you've had a recent split. And getting this feeling from someone you want to care about you is better than getting it from anyone else.
So i would suggest don't just drop contact, but don't be full on either. Try and keep conversations light unless she shows any sign of wanting to be deep.
Keep things constant as well, don't say anything and then contradict what you say with your actions, she's probably already not ready to trust someone and this will make that worse. Show her she can trust you.
Its possible she has fallen for you on the rebound, so really might have changed her mind about being with you but i wouldn't drop all contact until you're sure of that, because completely neglecting her now and expecting her to contact you will probably mess everything up that you did have between you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't think she still has feelings for her ex either, i definitely don't have feelings for mine, but right now she is considering a relationship and that makes her very vulnerable and has opened up her feelings about how relationships can hurt you. And this is not the way you want to feel when you are starting a relationship, she needs to get over the feeling vulnerable and stop feeling the pain that relationships can bring. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have to ask this with you being on here and assuning she is not your feelings for her cannot be so strong.
If I am wrong re her being on here then sorry just sounds like lust not genuine feelings.
Never start a relationship with lies. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with Irenic's post above. I'd agree to back off and turn things down a notch... but offer to help out and just be a friend for a while so you don't disappear from her life completely. She needs to be around you for her feelings for you to develop... but she needs to be unpressured.. and you just coming over and helping her out with completely no pressure for anything else to happen would probably be a good idea. Good luck  |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"I don't think she still has feelings for her ex either, i definitely don't have feelings for mine, but right now she is considering a relationship and that makes her very vulnerable and has opened up her feelings about how relationships can hurt you. And this is not the way you want to feel when you are starting a relationship, she needs to get over the feeling vulnerable and stop feeling the pain that relationships can bring."
Wow!! Mind reader!!! That's exactly how she feels, and how things were with her ex, she's scared of being hurt. I'm genuinely not someone who hurts someone intentionally. I want to earn her trust, I've been in her shoes, I'd be happy going at her pace until she feels ready. |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"Have to ask this with you being on here and assuning she is not your feelings for her cannot be so strong.
If I am wrong re her being on here then sorry just sounds like lust not genuine feelings.
Never start a relationship with lies."
I haven't been on here since i met her, I will happily leave this, I just wanted to to seek the advise of experienced ppl. |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"I agree with Irenic's post above. I'd agree to back off and turn things down a notch... but offer to help out and just be a friend for a while so you don't disappear from her life completely. She needs to be around you for her feelings for you to develop... but she needs to be unpressured.. and you just coming over and helping her out with completely no pressure for anything
else to happen would probably be a good idea. Good luck "
Thank you! |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"Did she ask you not to contact her?
I'm asking because i was in exactly the same situation myself, i recently split up with someone 6 months ago wasn't looking for a relationship either, met someone i really liked on here, he said he was feeling the same way (and said it first so i knew he wasn't just saying what i wanted to hear), but i was really upset about it and realised it was because i was just out of a relationship and not over it. So i asked the guy to back off and let me sort out my head. He still kept in touch but it was less intense and i was happy with that, and having another relationship started to seem appealing.
If she split up with her ex because he neglected her (which is the main reason why people split up) then cutting all contact could make her think you're the same as him. Plus, after a split you are vulnerable and really don't like to go chasing up after other guys but would appreciate someone asking how you are just so you know they care and you are lovable and you are wanted, which is the opposite of how you feel when you've had a recent split. And getting this feeling from someone you want to care about you is better than getting it from anyone else.
So i would suggest don't just drop contact, but don't be full on either. Try and keep conversations light unless she shows any sign of wanting to be deep.
Keep things constant as well, don't say anything and then contradict what you say with your actions, she's probably already not ready to trust someone and this will make that worse. Show her she can trust you.
Its possible she has fallen for you on the rebound, so really might have changed her mind about being with you but i wouldn't drop all contact until you're sure of that, because completely neglecting her now and expecting her to contact you will probably mess everything up that you did have between you."
Can I ask did you meet up at all during this time you asked the guy to back off? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't think she still has feelings for her ex either, i definitely don't have feelings for mine, but right now she is considering a relationship and that makes her very vulnerable and has opened up her feelings about how relationships can hurt you. And this is not the way you want to feel when you are starting a relationship, she needs to get over the feeling vulnerable and stop feeling the pain that relationships can bring.
Wow!! Mind reader!!! That's exactly how she feels, and how things were with her ex, she's scared of being hurt. I'm genuinely not someone who hurts someone intentionally. I want to earn her trust, I've been in her shoes, I'd be happy going at her pace until she feels ready."
Lol not a mind reader, just in the same place she is right now.
All i can add is that she already considered a relationship with you before she started feeling vulnerable, so that looks good for you.
But, and sorry if this pressures you but i'm gonna say it, if you mess anything up while she's feeling like this then it is unlikely she will continue feeling the same way about you.
She might already have doubts as well that led her to feeling this way in the first place, that's what happened with me and the guy i was seeing, he messed it up by breaking contact and giving me reasons to doubt him. Did explain why he completely backed off but i don't care now and not interested in being with him. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear but just saying coz you could still have a chance if you don't mess it up. Love should be easy, but sometimes it's hard work. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I ask did you meet up at all during this time you asked the guy to back off?"
Yeah we did but only once a week coz he works, and texted throughout the day, every day then last week he stopped texting completely and i just can't be arsed to care any more. Still talk to him on here now but he's just something casual to me because i don't trust him. |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"I don't think she still has feelings for her ex either, i definitely don't have feelings for mine, but right now she is considering a relationship and that makes her very vulnerable and has opened up her feelings about how relationships can hurt you. And this is not the way you want to feel when you are starting a relationship, she needs to get over the feeling vulnerable and stop feeling the pain that relationships can bring.
Wow!! Mind reader!!! That's exactly how she feels, and how things were with her ex, she's scared of being hurt. I'm genuinely not someone who hurts someone intentionally. I want to earn her trust, I've been in her shoes, I'd be happy going at her pace until she feels ready.
Lol not a mind reader, just in the same place she is right now.
All i can add is that she already considered a relationship with you before she started feeling vulnerable, so that looks good for you.
But, and sorry if this pressures you but i'm gonna say it, if you mess anything up while she's feeling like this then it is unlikely she will continue feeling the same way about you.
She might already have doubts as well that led her to feeling this way in the first place, that's what happened with me and the guy i was seeing, he messed it up by breaking contact and giving me reasons to doubt him. Did explain why he completely backed off but i don't care now and not interested in being with him. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear but just saying coz you could still have a chance if you don't mess it up. Love should be easy, but sometimes it's hard work."
I know, this is the reason I was seeking advice. I want to tread carefully and be there if she is ready, if she doesn't then that's fair enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
I know, this is the reason I was seeking advice. I want to tread carefully and be there if she is ready, if she doesn't then that's fair enough."
Not much to advise really, she'll either trust you or she won't. Explaining how she feels and how you feel, and communicating a lot will help.
Hope it goes well for you though. |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"
I know, this is the reason I was seeking advice. I want to tread carefully and be there if she is ready, if she doesn't then that's fair enough.
Not much to advise really, she'll either trust you or she won't. Explaining how she feels and how you feel, and communicating a lot will help.
Yes it will, I've given her space to day, I text her before to see how she was, she seems conversational still, I'll cut it short so it's not all night, unless she wants it to be. Love hey, it's a pain in the ass, never simple! Thanks I really appreciate it
Hope it goes well for you though."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes it will, I've given her space to day, I text her before to see how she was, she seems conversational still, I'll cut it short so it's not all night, unless she wants it to be. Love hey, it's a pain in the ass, never simple! Thanks I really appreciate it
"
You're welcome.
Try to go off what she wants yeah, kind of hard to go off what someone wants when they're not sure themselves but the more you get to know her the easier it will get. |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"
Yes it will, I've given her space to day, I text her before to see how she was, she seems conversational still, I'll cut it short so it's not all night, unless she wants it to be. Love hey, it's a pain in the ass, never simple! Thanks I really appreciate it
Yep I'm not pushing her for conversation just going with the flow
You're welcome.
Try to go off what she wants yeah, kind of hard to go off what someone wants when they're not sure themselves but the more you get to know her the easier it will get."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Well I was the girl in this situation 7 years ago. I would cry in the guys arms over how much I was hurting over my ex and didn't want him back but wasn't ready for another relationship either. I tried putting him off several times but the man just wouldn't bloody give up. We've now been married 6 years |
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By *LBEEF87 OP Man
over a year ago
wirral |
"Well I was the girl in this situation 7 years ago. I would cry in the guys arms over how much I was hurting over my ex and didn't want him back but wasn't ready for another relationship either. I tried putting him off several times but the man just wouldn't bloody give up. We've now been married 6 years"
Well I left her alone for a bit this week, started talking again, an we met up on Thursday, went well, so we went out again Friday, had two lovely days and then she starts getting upset again last night so we appear to be back in the sane situation. She tells me how much she likes me, but feels unfair on me  and doesn't want to mess me around. All I want to do, is be with her. |
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