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Coming out as bi/gay
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Why do we 'need' to come out at all?
I told my lady, now wife, and it's been liberating. I feel I can at last be 'me'.
I've now told two of my close, straight, friends and two gay colleagues.
Each person I tell, for some reason that escapes me, makes me feel better about myself.
I don't understand why this is really. Nor do I see why I feel the need to tell anyone other than my lover what my sexual orientation is.
Discuss away folks. I'm on a learning curve here  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Coming out as LGBT is less about sex and more about our fundamental identity. On that basis I think we all want to be accepted by those around us for who we really are and not a facade that we feel we have to put up.
Glad it's all going well for you.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Well it's going well so far
I keep thinking about telling my mum but can't understand why I want to. I'd hate to think it hurt her.
My sister had a go at me as I hit puberty telling me she and mum thought I was gay and it was disgusting. I hid it away until I told my lady I thought I was bi at 42 years old! |
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One if my close friends came out to me (I already new) in a nightclub once years back...my reply was 'And??' I would say it didn't affect our friendship but it actually did. We had much more fun totty spotting after that  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am happy you put a post up about this topic.
Around 6 months ago I decided I was old enough and comfortable with myself to share my sexuality with one of my casual female partners that I had known for years.
However, it didn't go as planned and it was probably one of the hardest times in my life. After this experience I decided that I would probably never 'come out' as a bisexual again!
It's probably a secret I will live with my entire life but I wish it was easier as it does feel great when you can be yourself....
I couldn't imagine telling my friends or family, their reactions may break me  .
I still feel uncomfortable if I'm out with friends and homosexuality is mentioned in conversations or jokes. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The jokes made me cringe on the jokers behalf. One of the friends I told, this weekend actually, made a lot of gay jokes. He teased me for being ex navy. For having a feminine tattoo. For shaving my legs and body. For wearing an ankle chain.
I figured he'd worked it out but was still fearful that it would change things. He was abused at 16 by a gay uncle and has a very poor view of gay people.
I told him anyway and he's been really cool about it. Even thanked me for trusting him. |
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On the flip side my exes brother is gay. Mostly his family have been fine but my ex (who is a prize belled) and their younger brother rib the poor lad all the time, actually I say rib it's full on bullying really, he sits in his room all the time because he never gets any let up from it from them. They say he's antisocial staying out the way but I'd stay out the way if I were him too rather than put up with that.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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For all of this so called political correctness it's clear that we are far from being an accepting society.
I've talked to so many gay and bi people in the last couple if years. The things people have been through
I didn't realise that men who were prosecuted prior to 1967 for homosexuality ended up on the sex offenders register. They stayed on it even though it was decriminalised until sometime in the mid eighties. |
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I told one of my regular colleagues at work that I was bi. It is truly very liberating being honest and open. On the other hand I had no particular reason to tell her, just felt I wanted to tell someone! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It sounds like you are seriously wanting to be open about your sexuality to even think about telling your mum I was married to a gay man (knowingly ) and have seen the hidden side kept a secret from everyone and guilt and pretending to be something you are not and the inner peace that being open about it, it feels very liberating and a new life begins and he loves being true to himself and our relationship is still very strong |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It sounds like you are seriously wanting to be open about your sexuality to even think about telling your mum I was married to a gay man (knowingly ) and have seen the hidden side kept a secret from everyone and guilt and pretending to be something you are not and the inner peace that being open about it, it feels very liberating and a new life begins and he loves being true to himself and our relationship is still very strong "
I am wanting to be open.
I'm very close to my daughters. I brought them up alone until I got together with my wife. I'd love them to know me for who I am but I'm absolutely petrified that it would be just one bit of info they wish I hadn't shared. I don't want to have any kind of a detrimental effect on our relationship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Well it's going well so far
I keep thinking about telling my mum but can't understand why I want to. I'd hate to think it hurt her.
My sister had a go at me as I hit puberty telling me she and mum thought I was gay and it was disgusting. I hid it away until I told my lady I thought I was bi at 42 years old!"
The things siblings say to each other....I used to tell my brother he wasn't wanted as he was the result of an accidental pregnancy! Look back on that with a huge sense of shame.
For a lot of people I know their families have had to go through a process of acceptance and most come to a place where they can be happy for their loved one, as long as they are happy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just be honest with your kids , yes it's going to be a shock but I'm guessing you are close to them so they will have lots of love for you and they will most likely have a bit of a idea anyway |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Tbh I think I'll have to sooner rather than later. You're probably right about them having an idea already. One thing I fear is them asking how that will work now I'm married. I never want them to know we swing or that I have sex with guys with my wife present |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I was just having sex with women and not having a relationship I see no reason to tell anyone. I don't expect anyone to tell me what they get up to in the bedroom. If I had a relationship with a woman I wouldn't feel the need to come out,I would just turn up at my family's houses and say this is ???? my girlfriend. My brother would crack jokes,I would expect him to but nothing would be said in a derogatory manner. My mum I can imagine would say as long as I'm happy. My eldest daughter already said I should try a relationship with a woman as men aren't worth the effort. Live for yourself,being bi or gay is nothing to be ashamed of |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I like to think it shouldn't be but after everything I've seen/experienced over the last thirty years or so.....
I'm not aware it was ever illegal for women to be gay. They were just thought to be mad and in the modern day it seems much more socially acceptable. Certainly to be a bi female.
Gay females are often stereotyped as strong whilst gay men can be seen as lacking manliness by some.
I grew up in an area where gay guys were ridiculed and/or the target of violence. |
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I never ever wish to be 'accepted'. Just be yourself. If people don't accept who I am then I would just not wish to be around them and I tell them to their faces. In fact, people who do not accept gayness or whatever, might be hiding much about themselves. Poor things.
And another point. I love my straight men from fab!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When I came out a few years ago it was nerve wracking and ultimately liberating. Everyone has been good about it.
My Dad accepts it but doesn't really want to talk about it or meet Jodie. Understandable I suppose. And my brother made blokey jokes about it until I grossed him out drag queen style. Now he daren't make any more quips!
Some people down the Gym and at work know outright, others suspect no doubt as the occasional bright red nail varnish gives it away a bit.
Overall it's been a positive experience. Now I've just got to get the current gender identity crisis right in my head and I'll be fine!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You don't need to be graphic at all no one needs to know what other family members do privately in the bedroom But if you want your sexuality to be know to your loved ones just be honest and tell them, also explain you have a good loving relationship with your wife also, to actually feel the need to be open about it is generally because you know your want to have the support and understanding of your loved ones. I'm guessing your wife is a little like myself- enjoys you havering intimate encounters with men, even in discussion with your kids it could be said that she loves your bi side without going into details, that's probably all that should be discussed to your children so they are informed about the fact you are not cheating and that its also a big part of her enjoyment of being with you
Sometimes it's easier to be gay tbh than actually bi but I think people are more open minded now about everything but expect shock and them being confused at first, but it should all be fine |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You don't need to be graphic at all no one needs to know what other family members do privately in the bedroom But if you want your sexuality to be know to your loved ones just be honest and tell them, also explain you have a good loving relationship with your wife also, to actually feel the need to be open about it is generally because you know your want to have the support and understanding of your loved ones. I'm guessing your wife is a little like myself- enjoys you havering intimate encounters with men, even in discussion with your kids it could be said that she loves your bi side without going into details, that's probably all that should be discussed to your children so they are informed about the fact you are not cheating and that its also a big part of her enjoyment of being with you
Sometimes it's easier to be gay tbh than actually bi but I think people are more open minded now about everything but expect shock and them being confused at first, but it should all be fine "
Thank you. It's great to hear from others in a similar situation xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It took me 27 years to admit to myself how I feel and act on it, sadly I think that's as much honesty about it as I'm brave enough to deal with but as has been said already, why should my sexuality define me? I'm just dave. |
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Having to be on guard is a stressful thing generally. Having to be on guard about a core aspect of yourself is likely to be even more demanding, so coming out allows you to relax. A side benefit is that your mutual levels of trust can increase and you become closer. As some point out, it doesnt always work out the way you expect it to, but it has potential to. Its been good seeing the ex bowing promotes Kellhe on big brother this week as she seems fairly happy and confident about her move to be public. Not sexuality but a transgender move. |
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Having to be on guard is a stressful thing generally. Having to be on guard about a core aspect of yourself is likely to be even more demanding, so coming out allows you to relax. A side benefit is that your mutual levels of trust can increase and you become closer. As some point out, it doesnt always work out the way you expect it to, but it has potential to. Its been good seeing the ex bowing promotes Kellhe on big brother this week as she seems fairly happy and confident about her move to be public. Not sexuality but a transgender move. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you're gay or transgender, maybe you need to "come out' so you can live the life you deserve. But if you're bi, i really can't see why anyone but your partners need to know
I certainly don't tell anyone else about my sex life or the BDSM part of it. Nothing to do with them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I came out to my mrs I'm bi and like to crossdress time to time and she has been outstanding and it was such a relief I can dress with out the fear of being caught or hiding stuff x"
I dont think ppl realise how much of a big deal it is
When i told my parents i was gay i honestly thought they would disown me and had silly and wrong ideas in my head ppl wouldnt like me anymore!
Now i am completely out to every1 i wonder why i was so irrational because really who cares! Its about you and being the person u r includin what ur sexual orientation is and every1 EVERY1 has there likes/dislikes and little quirks that make up life!
You only live once so live it in the way that makes u happiest ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It really is a massive deal inside my head. That's why I hid my feelings until I was 42. "
Well i for one (not tht it meams much) am really proud n happy for u! Coz now u got it goin on haha n have rest of ur life to njoy!
Plus sum1 ses to me...not bein str8 means uve always already gota kinky side haha |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It really is a massive deal inside my head. That's why I hid my feelings until I was 42.
Well i for one (not tht it meams much) am really proud n happy for u! Coz now u got it goin on haha n have rest of ur life to njoy!
Plus sum1 ses to me...not bein str8 means uve always already gota kinky side haha "
Thanks. That's made me smile |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It really is a massive deal inside my head. That's why I hid my feelings until I was 42.
Well i for one (not tht it meams much) am really proud n happy for u! Coz now u got it goin on haha n have rest of ur life to njoy!
Plus sum1 ses to me...not bein str8 means uve always already gota kinky side haha
Thanks. That's made me smile "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am happy you put a post up about this topic.
Around 6 months ago I decided I was old enough and comfortable with myself to share my sexuality with one of my casual female partners that I had known for years.
However, it didn't go as planned and it was probably one of the hardest times in my life. After this experience I decided that I would probably never 'come out' as a bisexual again!
It's probably a secret I will live with my entire life but I wish it was easier as it does feel great when you can be yourself....
I couldn't imagine telling my friends or family, their reactions may break me .
I still feel uncomfortable if I'm out with friends and homosexuality is mentioned in conversations or jokes."
I feel for you bro. Its a fact that some people, male or female, find homosexuality or bisexuality repulsive-or just "wrong". Im not here to judge them for their feelings, we feel what we feel and thats OK, but the world would be a better place if people learned a little more tolerance and sensitivity in they way they react. By the way I have also known some gay men who are quite intolerant of bisexual males, so its not just hetero's ?? You need to try to sound out your friends opinions before opening up in the future. One of the reasons Im on Fab is that I can at least be open about my sexuality and fantasies, for me its not just about getting a shag?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like to think it shouldn't be but after everything I've seen/experienced over the last thirty years or so.....
I'm not aware it was ever illegal for women to be gay. They were just thought to be mad and in the modern day it seems much more socially acceptable. Certainly to be a bi female.
Gay females are often stereotyped as strong whilst gay men can be seen as lacking manliness by some.
I grew up in an area where gay guys were ridiculed and/or the target of violence. "
Gay men can seen as lacking manliness- I should introduce them to a gay biker I knew 20 years ago nicknamed Zoot, Rode a Kawasaki z1300 (HUGE bike) and he made it look like a moped. His party piece was actually picking the bike up! NO ONE messed with Zoot. Really nice bloke once you got to know him, and one of the best concert sound engineers in the business. On bike rallys if anyone started dissing gay people in conversation, he used to really camp it up, which was hilarious for a rough looking 25 stone biker, and tell them he would pop into their tent later on to show them just how good gay sex could be. Funny as foook! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Sigh. My dilemma seems to be just deepening.
I think our kids have guessed I dress. Something regarding cross dressing was mentioned last night on the telly and our eldest was looking straight at me looking very amused.
I suspect they have all been discussing the changes they've noticed. ie: shaving and tattoo. Coupled with me doing 'fancy dress ' as a girl so well New Year's Eve.
Wishing I'd hidden things better now
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By *jeibm2012Man
over a year ago
manchester nr piccadilly |
Hey man, I feel for you. I tried to reply to this when i first saw it but i was a newbie so not allowed on the forum. Now I'm allowed on the forum but you've blocked single males from messaging you lol
I seem to have a fluctuating sexuality so I have no idea what the future will bring. Somedays I'm up for meeting a girl, family, etc, others I can't stop thinking about guys. It's weird, but I've learned to roll with it. But like you, telling anyone isn't really an option for me.
So I just wanted to message you out of solidarity - you're not the only one in this kind of predicament. It was brave of you to try telling someone, and reflects worse on them I think that it went badly.
Feel free to message me about this
"I am happy you put a post up about this topic.
Around 6 months ago I decided I was old enough and comfortable with myself to share my sexuality with one of my casual female partners that I had known for years.
However, it didn't go as planned and it was probably one of the hardest times in my life. After this experience I decided that I would probably never 'come out' as a bisexual again!
It's probably a secret I will live with my entire life but I wish it was easier as it does feel great when you can be yourself....
I couldn't imagine telling my friends or family, their reactions may break me .
I still feel uncomfortable if I'm out with friends and homosexuality is mentioned in conversations or jokes."
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