FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > How much contact?
How much contact?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So, Fab etiquette: how much contact should you have with someone you're trying to arrange a play meet with?
I've spent a couple of weeks chatting to someone who - I thought - I was getting on well with. Well enough to have discussed planning a hotel meet, at any rate. Then, last weekend, radio silence and I'm deleted from her friends list. I was aware of some personal life reasons why she'd be chatting less, but one of the last things she said was to pointedly suggest I don't need to chat so much. "You're fucking someone, not building a relationship". OK. Fair point. Honest mistake, though. Just tell me to stfu!
Conversely, a previous lady with whom I had a series of social meets cited lack of contact as the reason she didn't want to take it any further. "You're only after one thing". Well, to some extent, yes. Otherwise I'd be on POF or Match.com or something.
Needless to say, I'm confused. I prefer to like the people I play with, so some degree of chat is required, surely? On the other hand, I'm easygoing, often busy and - if I'm honest - a lazy fucker, so less chat is less effort.
This hopefully doesn't sound like self-indulgent whining. I'm genuinely pretty mortified at the idea that I might have upset or offended either of these ladies, but I'm not sure what, if anything I can do about it. Advice gratefully received! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We prefer to get to know our playmates before indulging. If that means people are put off then they weren't what we were looking for to begin with.
Like you we've had people say we talk to much, but we've made a few friends doing it our way, its all about quality over quantity.
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Some people are on here looking for penfriends only, and love the chat, the social interaction, and have absolutely no interest whatsoever in actually meeting up.
At the other end of the spectrum are those who just want to "fuck n go" with as little social interaction as possible, before during or after.
its all part of what makes this scene so wonderful and exciting......  |
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By *lexavierWoman
over a year ago
north birmingham |
There isn't going to be a universal answer to this, each person is going to be different and sometimes it's about trying to work out what is right and wrong for that person. Personally I prefer someone to be straight out and honest with me, if I am doing something wrong, say so, if I don't stop, ignore me, as you say, you're not looking for a relationship in the most vanilla sense of the word.
I would suggest asking straight out how someone sees the next few steps going, ask how much contact they want, how much information they want, how soon they may be looking to meet if things go well, and ask them to be honest and blunt with you. The most successful meets I have had have simply started with absolute ground rules from the beginning, respected on both sides.
Good luck. |
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To be fair doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong!!! Some people want lots of contact, some don't, simple as that!!!
I think it's best to find out from the start, what's acceptable (to the individual)
Not 12 mths ago I was meeting single guys (with permission) however one individual, took it too far, and harassed me, texting constantly, checking up on me, more so I think!!! Needless to say, I don't meet alone anymore!!
P.s don't let it put you off, some people want more than they declare |
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This is a hard one, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
One couple I was chatting to said I was being too pushy and the second couple told me I was being distant - for the same amount of contact !
As has been said it differs for all couples and singles.
probably why I have given up on asking for meets from anyone, I wait for an invite.... but that has its own problems.
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
as much as is necessary to make me feel and them 110% comfortable...
if that is longer for one party than another... so be it....
I wont meet till I am 110%... and if not I will keep on talking till I am....
if others are not happy at the speed I go.... I move on.... simple as |
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Haha, love your profile headline!!
I don't think you did anything wrong, everyone is going to want something different and each dynamic is going to require something different in my view, you have to feel them out, or ask - that would save misunderstanding for sure!
I definitely like my meets to stay in touch - I like to know someone is thinking about me and anticipating meeting, if I feel ignored or taken for granted I'll get cold feet, and will eventually wander off and find a new toy!
I wonder if this might be the problem sometimes with no shows, if a guy thinks 'Right that's sorted' and doesn't pay enough attention?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For us we don't like loads of aimless chit chat,its all a bit boring.especially when people start asking what are we into? Still don't know what that means. |
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
"as much as is necessary to make me feel and them 110% comfortable...
if that is longer for one party than another... so be it....
I wont meet till I am 110%... and if not I will keep on talking till I am....
if others are not happy at the speed I go.... I move on.... simple as"
This! And if a guy is not happy waiting, then he is free to move on to the next profile! Just the way I do things  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like a fair bit of contact, hard to get on here. Also like to keep in touch after the meet if there has been one, but it is rare, like hens teeth  "
^^^^^ this for me too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like a fair bit of contact, hard to get on here. Also like to keep in touch after the meet if there has been one, but it is rare, like hens teeth
^^^^^ this for me too. "
Same here. I've been writing with a few potential meets for many months now; they definitely want to meet (and so do I), but for some reason their time isn't right yet. And I do see they've met others who live more local to them, who sometimes only joined Fabs 2 weeks earlier. Hard not to get irked by that. I know the distance is a bugger, but when I bring that up, then it's not really a problem,apparently. I am talking about men with a good few veris, all being praised into high heaven for skills and overall desirable attributs... No idea whether to pull the plug or not. But we still write very nicely every now and then. Long mails. *sigh* |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks everyone. Good to know I'm not *quite* as crazy as I was starting to think. I know it's stupid, but I genuinely worry about this stuff!
Ah well, I guess if nothing else, I got a couple of weeks of intensely horny fantasy time out of the whole endeavour. Shame, though... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your chatting too much mate! I just send a message to a lass saying "fuck"? She replies "yeah"! We meet, we fuck!  "
Stand clear please......... A new era of cyber chivalry is close upon us! Lol |
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"
Same here. I've been writing with a few potential meets for many months now; they definitely want to meet (and so do I), but for some reason their time isn't right yet. And I do see they've met others who live more local to them, who sometimes only joined Fabs 2 weeks earlier. Hard not to get irked by that. I know the distance is a bugger, but when I bring that up, then it's not really a problem,apparently. I am talking about men with a good few veris, all being praised into high heaven for skills and overall desirable attributs... No idea whether to pull the plug or not. But we still write very nicely every now and then. Long mails. *sigh*"
If you enjoy the correspondance, no reason not to carry on, sometimes mutual timing is a bugger, and spontaneous meets can 'jump the queue', it just happens that way sometimes.....
Sometimes the longer you have been anticipating the better it is. I finally slept with a college chum after 9 years of one or other of us always being 'taken' - whoa was it good!!!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i would only expect a cpl days worth of messaging exchange pics,then go for a social at least.all ideally within a week.but then i never have been very good at waiting for things to happen.lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Your chatting too much mate! I just send a message to a lass saying "fuck"? She replies "yeah"! We meet, we fuck!
Stand clear please......... A new era of cyber chivalry is close upon us! Lol"
It's a bastard trying to find somewherf to park the white steed though mate! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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too much chat about...what...everyday?- hows u this morning
how u keeping
how was work
lets talk about what we will do on our meet
what time is it
hi
*blahhfuckingblah..the time for talk is on the meets, I like having fun,chatnlaugh as well as the sex
*as I've said in previous posts, some people are really shit at using the site, so can give strange messages..or expect themselves to be better than others u are going to potentially meet
If I dont chat to someone for a cpl weeks so be it, I havent lost interest, I just dont need continual internet or phone chatter to know we might eventually have some fun
and if we dont?...fuckit, theres others
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like chatting and getting to know potential meets but sometimes its not the always the amount of chat its the content of the chat that can become a bit off putting |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like chatting and getting to know potential meets but sometimes its not the always the amount of chat its the content of the chat that can become a bit off putting"
hi...do u do anal? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like chatting and getting to know potential meets but sometimes its not the always the amount of chat its the content of the chat that can become a bit off putting
hi...do u do anal?"
Oh I suppose so.........bend over  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hard one to say .each person or couple is differeant .someone i didnt meet after I started talking to them on here was ten messages without any answer on here I hadn't been on line and when i was just answering messages when I was on that day for a meet that night ,five mobile calls and ten texts .all within about three hours or so.was a bit much really oh yeah then he said he had found out where I lived and told me a mutual person who we both knew who knew where I lived and said he would fuck me whether i like it or not ! Reported said profile and blocked but he kept returning with the same name and more hassle calls texts etc i threatened him with the police in
the end as I kept everything .
Keep it nice ,respect boundaries and don't send a barrage of messages or texts or phone called .puts people off.most people on here are normal mind.poppyxx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This could well be a factor. We did turn out to have quite a bit in common, which I suspect may have freaked her out a bit. For example, we discovered quite early on that we work in adjacent buildings. Also, during one of our conversations,she mentioned she'd been to a practice session for a fairly unusual sport. I replied that I knew a couple of people who were into that - yep, I know some of her teammates.
This stuff is just weird coincidence, though. There's no way I could possibly have known in advance and certainly no way on earth I'd ever do anything to compromise her trust. I just saw it as "wow - small world, eh?" and at the time, it didn't seem like an issue for either of us. Still, maybe another argument for not taking too much? Thing is, I'd feel far weirder if I realised this stuff and didn't mention it to her... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I prefer to get to know someone a little before meeting them and I meet socially first too. I think its difficult to work out sometimes as you have found that some don't want lots of chat and others do  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This could well be a factor. We did turn out to have quite a bit in common, which I suspect may have freaked her out a bit. For example, we discovered quite early on that we work in adjacent buildings. Also, during one of our conversations,she mentioned she'd been to a practice session for a fairly unusual sport. I replied that I knew a couple of people who were into that - yep, I know some of her teammates.
This stuff is just weird coincidence, though. There's no way I could possibly have known in advance and certainly no way on earth I'd ever do anything to compromise her trust. I just saw it as "wow - small world, eh?" and at the time, it didn't seem like an issue for either of us. Still, maybe another argument for not taking too much? Thing is, I'd feel far weirder if I realised this stuff and didn't mention it to her..."
The problem is that you could have met and realised that you had passed each other in the street, local sandwich place, coffee bar, pub etc and that could have freaked her out even more |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I usually chat on line for about 2 years, then by phone and Skype for a further year, if a guy lasts that long, I normally take a break for 6 months, and then meet for a coffee on neutral ground to see if there is a chemistry, the process usually takes about 5 years, however if I am very horny, it can be 15 minutes if he is local, and there is room for his lorry on the lane  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I spend long periods out the country, upto 3 months and enjoy chatting and camming, to be honest the tenion built up between people over this time is great, on the other hand you run the risk of them falling for you, i have been the victim of this twice now, thus the girls wont veri me because "it meant some much more to them than that"
its a swingers site, not a dating site. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like a fair bit of contact, hard to get on here. Also like to keep in touch after the meet if there has been one, but it is rare, like hens teeth
^^^^^ this for me too.
Same here. I've been writing with a few potential meets for many months now; they definitely want to meet (and so do I), but for some reason their time isn't right yet. And I do see they've met others who live more local to them, who sometimes only joined Fabs 2 weeks earlier. Hard not to get irked by that. I know the distance is a bugger, but when I bring that up, then it's not really a problem,apparently. I am talking about men with a good few veris, all being praised into high heaven for skills and overall desirable attributs... No idea whether to pull the plug or not. But we still write very nicely every now and then. Long mails. *sigh*"
That's lucky specially if they are friends too. Lot of friends don't speak much sometimes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I spend long periods out the country, upto 3 months and enjoy chatting and camming, to be honest the tenion built up between people over this time is great, on the other hand you run the risk of them falling for you, i have been the victim of this twice now, thus the girls wont veri me because "it meant some much more to them than that"
its a swingers site, not a dating site."
I sympathise with the girls. I fell for someone on here, I lost him and contact with him too. Yes it is not a dating site but people do fall for each other, we are only human after all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not just radio silence but deleted from friends list AND blocked. What's all that about? No need to be nasty. Just tell us. I know, I know, they don't have to, just move on, but really, blocking for no apparent reason |
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One size doesn't fit all. Some I'll exchange a few messages then have a social meet before arranging a play meet with little contact in between.
Others we'll meet and chat every day or so between meets and one we speak into the night every night and I like it, yet hearing from some once a month is "pushy!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
The problem is that you could have met and realised that you had passed each other in the street, local sandwich place, coffee bar, pub etc and that could have freaked her out even more"
Pretty much. The work thing was figured out early on. Made it much easier to arrange a social meet! When that went well, we agreed a play meet was a good idea and everything seemed cool.
The shared acquaintances thing came up a few days later. I reckon that might be where she started having doubts. Ironically, although I mentioned knowing her mates, it was her that looked me up on Facebook! Genuinely hadn't occurred to me to go looking.
I think it was just the abrupt switch-off a week later that threw me. Went instantly from a constant mix of flirty chat and general friendly jokey bollocks to "I won't be able to talk much for a while", then bam - deleted. Hard not to take that personally.
Anyway, time to grow me a thicker skin, I reckon... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, Fab etiquette: how much contact should you have with someone you're trying to arrange a play meet with?
I've spent a couple of weeks chatting to someone who - I thought - I was getting on well with. Well enough to have discussed planning a hotel meet, at any rate. Then, last weekend, radio silence and I'm deleted from her friends list. I was aware of some personal life reasons why she'd be chatting less, but one of the last things she said was to pointedly suggest I don't need to chat so much. "You're fucking someone, not building a relationship". OK. Fair point. Honest mistake, though. Just tell me to stfu!
Conversely, a previous lady with whom I had a series of social meets cited lack of contact as the reason she didn't want to take it any further. "You're only after one thing". Well, to some extent, yes. Otherwise I'd be on POF or Match.com or something.
Needless to say, I'm confused. I prefer to like the people I play with, so some degree of chat is required, surely? On the other hand, I'm easygoing, often busy and - if I'm honest - a lazy fucker, so less chat is less effort.
This hopefully doesn't sound like self-indulgent whining. I'm genuinely pretty mortified at the idea that I might have upset or offended either of these ladies, but I'm not sure what, if anything I can do about it. Advice gratefully received!"
You have moved from the sexy guy who interests them to the sweet guy who is just a friend |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like chatting and getting to know potential meets but sometimes its not the always the amount of chat its the content of the chat that can become a bit off putting
hi...do u do anal?"
Omg I got this one today....Really... No hello or anything lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like chatting and getting to know potential meets but sometimes its not the always the amount of chat its the content of the chat that can become a bit off putting
hi...do u do anal?"
wondered who sent us that same message  |
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