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what do i do...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I've recently split with the ex and the problem is she as a daughter witch I always said I'd be there for but now the ex is saying I can't see her but the thing is I sweared it on my nephews grave I'd be there for her but if she's stopping me I feel like I'm dishonering my nephew's memory by not being there and it's killing me inside and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again....
Any advice would be grateful |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds very recent so I would give it a little time for emotions etc to settle from the split. Then try to talk to the mum again and see if you can remain friends and still see the daughter. If thats a no then you have to accept this. As for swearing on your nephews grave then you made that oath in all faith and if you can't keep it not through any fault of your own then don't feel guilty as you will know in yourself you have tried to keep it, sometimes in life it happens but you shouldn't feel guilty if you have tried your best.
As regards to how you are feeling right now re the split, take one day at a time, it does get better trust me. Best wishes x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds very recent so I would give it a little time for emotions etc to settle from the split. Then try to talk to the mum again and see if you can remain friends and still see the daughter. If thats a no then you have to accept this. As for swearing on your nephews grave then you made that oath in all faith and if you can't keep it not through any fault of your own then don't feel guilty as you will know in yourself you have tried to keep it, sometimes in life it happens but you shouldn't feel guilty if you have tried your best.
As regards to how you are feeling right now re the split, take one day at a time, it does get better trust me. Best wishes x "
That's the thing we split in June and I did say I can't see her but it was out of anger as I took the brake up really hard as I do still love her and I needed my own time AMD space to deal with it myself but now she's saying I can't see her just to hurt me more now like saying she's seeing someone else when she's not just to get me to bite and get nasty so she can just say that's what I'm like to my daughter so she don't want to see me then  |
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Unfortunately if its not your child then if she says you can't see her then you can't. As someone previous said its not your fault so don't feel bad that you can't keep your promise its out of your hands.
Relationship break ups get easier over time. Just take one day at a time. But if you are having suicidal thoughts you need to talk to someone ASAP |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Unfortunately if its not your child then if she says you can't see her then you can't. As someone previous said its not your fault so don't feel bad that you can't keep your promise its out of your hands.
Relationship break ups get easier over time. Just take one day at a time. But if you are having suicidal thoughts you need to talk to someone ASAP "
thanks everyone is saying it's not my fault as I've tryed yo be there but I still feel guilt ridden as in 16yrs since he passed I've never broken a promise I've made like that as it's dishoner to me as that was the way I was bought up
I no it gets easier in time and yes she's still angry as I've not been there and I don't blame her for it but all I want is to see my daughter as her real dad as never been there and I want to be |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"can the kid contact U, by themselves?
That maybe all that's possible atm
Hugs"
No she won't let her or me contact her she's just hurting me to make me bite but it's not going to work I'll make sure of that  |
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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago
In a crisp poke on the A814 |
Sorry im confused....
Who did you make the promise to?
Your nephew or your ex?
Im guessing now that you sworn on your nephews grave to your ex that you would be there for her daughter...??
IF so, she broke that, not you!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes my daughter but I still guilt ridden even though I never broke it as I never brake a promise when it's on his grave.
My motto in life is death before dishoner that why I'm feeling like shit and guilt ridden as I'd sooner die than dishoner the dead
But everyone is right it's not my fault it's the ex's fault  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This isn't the place for you to be seeking advice from right now, it's not a hung cock or hairy fanny thread.. a lot off us have been where you are now...and then some... Trust me sweetie, good advice can be given here by many, but you need to talk to someone professional, firstly calm down... Chill, deep breathes reflect it can only get better.. Look at it in the morning, and phone someone there are lots of groups out there who offer fantastic support if you are unsure who to phone inbox me for numbers... Everything is fixable  always x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Your nephew understands that you must move on. Your ex's daughter is not your responsibility. You can care for her by thinking of her fondly and sending her positive thoughts for a good life.
In the future, don't promise anything on your nephew's grave. You can do the best you can, when you can.
Happy thoughts,
Deb |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I would like to thank you all for your advice and support.
I know what I've got to do and thats go and see my doc and move on but still be there for her if she needs me and always send cards to show her I'm there for her.
Thanks again peeps it's much appreciated
Martin x |
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"Yes my daughter but I still guilt ridden even though I never broke it as I never brake a promise when it's on his grave.
My motto in life is death before dishoner that why I'm feeling like shit and guilt ridden as I'd sooner die than dishoner the dead
But everyone is right it's not my fault it's the ex's fault "
You need to stop thinking like that anyway. You won't be much good to this girl when she's a little older DVD decided to contact you if you're dead will you? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes my daughter but I still guilt ridden even though I never broke it as I never brake a promise when it's on his grave.
My motto in life is death before dishoner that why I'm feeling like shit and guilt ridden as I'd sooner die than dishoner the dead
But everyone is right it's not my fault it's the ex's fault
You need to stop thinking like that anyway. You won't be much good to this girl when she's a little older DVD decided to contact you if you're dead will you? "
No I won't be there and she will hate me for it and I don't want that her mother might hate me now but it's not her that I'm bothered about its my daughter she's my world and if I show them both that then I'll be keeping my promise I made and that's more important to me than anything eles |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Go to the court for a contact order. If you don't have the knowledge or confidence yourself seek legal advice. "
That's the thing I can't as I've got no legal rights as she not mine by blood just my step daughter ;-( but she is mine in my heart that's all that counts to me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm sorry your going through a difficult time, if you want my advice cease all contact and give yourself time to recover be selfish and think of yourself and to be honest I don't know if this public forum I the best place to discuss this in sure there are websites with people going through the same as you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That's not entirely correct. It depends on how long you have been in her life and how much you have played in her upbringing. There are many facts to consider. Legal advice could assist. X"
I've been there for 2 and hlf years for her it was my daughters dission to call me dad no body told her too do it.
I know I've not been the best dad to her but I do want to be there and foe all them special moments like her wedding leaving school her 18th and 21st etc and that's all I want
Ive been thinking now for a few days that the best thing to do is just walk away and only go and see her on her b'day xmas etc and prove I'll always be there for her even if it's just at the end of the phone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm sorry your going through a difficult time, if you want my advice cease all contact and give yourself time to recover be selfish and think of yourself and to be honest I don't know if this public forum I the best place to discuss this in sure there are websites with people going through the same as you "
Your right I've been selfish and put myself 1st over the past couple of months and now I'm ready to be there it's just her mom won't let me now as I wasn't from the start |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm sorry your going through a difficult time, if you want my advice cease all contact and give yourself time to recover be selfish and think of yourself and to be honest I don't know if this public forum I the best place to discuss this in sure there are websites with people going through the same as you
Your right I've been selfish and put myself 1st over the past couple of months and now I'm ready to be there it's just her mom won't let me now as I wasn't from the start "
That's not quite what I meant but you do what ever you need to do |
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By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago
In a crisp poke on the A814 |
"I would like to thank you all for your advice and support.
I know what I've got to do and thats go and see my doc and move on but still be there for her if she needs me and always send cards to show her I'm there for her.
Thanks again peeps it's much appreciated
Martin x"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm sorry your going through a difficult time, if you want my advice cease all contact and give yourself time to recover be selfish and think of yourself and to be honest I don't know if this public forum I the best place to discuss this in sure there are websites with people going through the same as you
Your right I've been selfish and put myself 1st over the past couple of months and now I'm ready to be there it's just her mom won't let me now as I wasn't from the start
That's not quite what I meant but you do what ever you need to do "
I understand what your saying but if my ex won't let me then there's not much else I can do
I've just got to get on with life and be there if she ever needs me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you need to worry about yourself and no one else, the child is not yours and as hard as this sounds you really need a complete break from them both, then you will be able to recover, don't know if this site is the best place for you right now but ultimately you have to make your own choices but if I where you I woul be trying to limit my pain and move on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Re CSA you are not financially responsible for her but via your own morals and the law that's another matter. Get legal advice. If you supported her throughout the relationship and her biological father didn't, it's possible she will be known as a "child of the family". My experience was 11 years, so whether time has a bearing?
Perhaps in the meantime, without blame, write letters to your daughter saying how you look forward to seeing her again. Writing can be therapeutic. Set up an account for her, for birthdays and Christmas. Buy cards and put these in a box with the unsent letters.
As for your mental health, you are grieving the loss of your daughter. It is natural. Go to the GP if this grief turns into depression.
Good luck. |
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