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Stage fright - question for the men in straight couples
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Hi folks, we had our first soft swap at a club this weekend and I was to start by saying it was (in a Craig Revel-Horwood voice) amazing. Super hot couple, more experienced than us, they took the initiative and and it was really relaxed and fun and I really enjoyed playing with the wife.
The dampener - I got stage fright and didn’t get hard. I know in my head it was because after such a long build up for us, it was finally happening and I was probably over stimulated and in my own head a bit much (we were in the couples room too surrounded by people fucking), and I know it’s common and just one of those things, but there’s that little bit of my ego that is really bruised and another little voice in my head telling me I kind of spoiled the experience for the other three people.
To the point I’m even second guessing myself about whether couple swaps are what I want because I feel like the pressure to perform is high and I just fell at the first hurdle. Bit dramatic I know but like I say my ego is pretty bruised despite my rational brain telling me it’s not that big a deal.
The question I’ve got is how have other fellas in the same situation gotten past this? Is it a case of getting straight back into the saddle?
Thanks for listening to my self pitying 🤣 |
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Do you do private meets too and not need it? I did wonder if it was the club atmosphere, but to be honest I’ve played with my wife in couples rooms and it’s never been an issue, in fact later that night that’s what we did and we had a grand old time. |
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Give yourself some empathy it was your first time. It happens a lot, even with experienced guys. Everyone gets in their heads sometimes. Throw yourself into it again and try not to overthink it, it happens a lot more than you'd think.  |
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This is actually quite normal. A lot of guys at clubs pop Viagra (though not sure how many would admit to it).
I've been on the scene for 26 years with my wife and we are also very regular club goers (and I often go without my wife). Having plenty of friends at the club it's not uncommon for one guy to be having a bad night and ask if another has a spare blue pill. And yes, that includes myself. Even I have the odd off night.
But I know what my triggers are..and for me its the club being really busy or very guy heavy and not having a private room to head off to.
And in those cases, I can either choose to take a pill or I can just treat it as a social night.
And to be honest, having joined plenty of first time couples with my wife or on my own over the years, it's quite common. A lot of people can get in their own heads when starting out.
So don't punish yourself. New or old to the scene...we all have our moments!
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By *ornLordMan 12 weeks ago
Wiltshire and London |
I had this happen on an early visit to a club.
On subsequent occasions I made sure I had a viagra or similar handy - it wasn't always needed.
However, there was one meet with a couple where I needed to me on my A game, so I took one before and had the lady marvelling at my stamina... |
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By *rmrs95Couple 12 weeks ago
Chester |
"Do you do private meets too and not need it? I did wonder if it was the club atmosphere, but to be honest I’ve played with my wife in couples rooms and it’s never been an issue, in fact later that night that’s what we did and we had a grand old time."
Sounds to me that it's the pressure of going with someone else ( could be a confidence thing, could be the whole couples swap scenario etc ...)
Maybe try a threesome, see if that makes any difference 
We don't do private meets no, only ever done clubs but I would probably still have a Viagra just because Ive also found I have condom issues ( obviously never need them with Mrs) |
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Only time it's happened to me was with a regular 30 year old black woman who grabbed my balls too hard , a pain shot up my groin and it was instantaneous game over. Couldn't for the life of me get hard again, luckily it was towards the end of the night and we'd had lots of fun, |
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By *Xtriple7Couple 12 weeks ago
N Peterborough. |
Happens to us, which is why we tend to meet guys more often than couples.
The irony is I have no problem in a two girl gangbang scenario, where there is no pressure to perform. Yet in a mfmf, I've struggled 
Viagra and experience helps. |
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By *orny PTMan 12 weeks ago
Peterborough |
It's more of a shock if it doesn't happen.
As blokes we've been taught to prevent premature ejaculation from day one and if that self-control and stimuli resistance goes to far, then delayed orgasms and weak erections can happen.
Frustration then kicks in and it becomes a vicious circle.
Cocks can fall asleep if you are giving oral or foreplay and kissing.
You should see you GP or pharmacist to check that any medication, even cold and hayfever meds are to blame, as these work by constricting the tiny blood vessels and will cancel out the benefits of Viagra and the like. |
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I would say first don't stress about. Its really common and we've seen this and heard of lots of other occasions from others. The trouble is men aren't preforming monkeys and if our brains our struggling or distracted with all the will in the world it shows, we can't just lay back and take it. Yet the world and its expectations on us are harsh.
First a word of caution on pills. Don't taken them as a miracle solution. They can help with physical assistance but won't do much if your mind is not in the right place. So setting the right mindset and atmosphere should be your number one focus, not pills. However try them as they may help. And of course seeing a stronger physical result can help with confidence and thus give the mental boost you need to maintain.
I would say however fix is not as easy as pills. It's a lot more about understanding your self and what works for you. And this just goes back to growing in experience on the scene. Like I said before we're not preforming monkeys or on demand sex robots. Everyone is different. I know what works for me and thus I avoid situations/environments that don't. It also helps if your other half understands what works and doesn't work for you. And don't expect her to be a mind reader, that's why a huge part of swinging as a couple is about totally open communication. And again going back to experience there's an element of trial and error in working out what works and what doesn't. Plus remember sometimes you're just in a different head space than others. The real fix is working out yourself and what works. Personally I find swinging is so much better when you're just free and in the moment and that's the head space to stride for.
Also if you can't stay erect a lot of women are sensitive to this and can take it personal as a sign your not attracted to them. Just be frank with them, reassure them and it doesn't mean you're out of the game anyway (there's lots you can still enjoy and share). Plus getting lost in the act sexaully another way may drag you back into the right head space and see you grow again.
Mr |
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"I would say first don't stress about. Its really common and we've seen this and heard of lots of other occasions from others. The trouble is men aren't preforming monkeys and if our brains our struggling or distracted with all the will in the world it shows, we can't just lay back and take it. Yet the world and its expectations on us are harsh.
First a word of caution on pills. Don't taken them as a miracle solution. They can help with physical assistance but won't do much if your mind is not in the right place. So setting the right mindset and atmosphere should be your number one focus, not pills. However try them as they may help. And of course seeing a stronger physical result can help with confidence and thus give the mental boost you need to maintain.
I would say however fix is not as easy as pills. It's a lot more about understanding your self and what works for you. And this just goes back to growing in experience on the scene. Like I said before we're not preforming monkeys or on demand sex robots. Everyone is different. I know what works for me and thus I avoid situations/environments that don't. It also helps if your other half understands what works and doesn't work for you. And don't expect her to be a mind reader, that's why a huge part of swinging as a couple is about totally open communication. And again going back to experience there's an element of trial and error in working out what works and what doesn't. Plus remember sometimes you're just in a different head space than others. The real fix is working out yourself and what works. Personally I find swinging is so much better when you're just free and in the moment and that's the head space to stride for.
Also if you can't stay erect a lot of women are sensitive to this and can take it personal as a sign your not attracted to them. Just be frank with them, reassure them and it doesn't mean you're out of the game anyway (there's lots you can still enjoy and share). Plus getting lost in the act sexaully another way may drag you back into the right head space and see you grow again.
Mr"
This is exactly what we woukd have written. Great advice... |
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"Hi folks, we had our first soft swap at a club this weekend and I was to start by saying it was (in a Craig Revel-Horwood voice) amazing. Super hot couple, more experienced than us, they took the initiative and and it was really relaxed and fun and I really enjoyed playing with the wife.
The dampener - I got stage fright and didn’t get hard. I know in my head it was because after such a long build up for us, it was finally happening and I was probably over stimulated and in my own head a bit much (we were in the couples room too surrounded by people fucking), and I know it’s common and just one of those things, but there’s that little bit of my ego that is really bruised and another little voice in my head telling me I kind of spoiled the experience for the other three people.
To the point I’m even second guessing myself about whether couple swaps are what I want because I feel like the pressure to perform is high and I just fell at the first hurdle. Bit dramatic I know but like I say my ego is pretty bruised despite my rational brain telling me it’s not that big a deal.
The question I’ve got is how have other fellas in the same situation gotten past this? Is it a case of getting straight back into the saddle?
Thanks for listening to my self pitying 🤣"
You've had some great advice here,might I also suggest don't go into large party rooms. There's too much going on, and your brain and eyes and ears are just being g pulled in so many different directions. Try a private room for you four. If it you get nervous sit back and watch the threesome . That way your focus is only on your partner getting pleasured and you brain is only in the room. Hope that helps |
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Thanks all for the comments and feedback. I did actually take a Cialis this weekend so physiologically I think I would have been fine, and indeed I did have sex with my wife in the same couples room later with no issues. I think as some people have stated this is a headspace issue and maybe trying our first swap in a couples room was just too much all at once and my head was all over the place. Private room next time for sure, and I think maybe rather than us both playing at the same time, I’d maybe need to see my wife play for a bit first so I get used to the idea of that happening before I start to focus on myself / the other wife at play.
Do just want to say a massive thanks to everyone that commented or that sent me DMs, it’s really helped and I feel a lot better about it! Ive already booked the next event so I’ll be jumping back on that horse and having another go! 🤣 |
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I've been playing in public rooms at clubs for a very long time... many guys suffer with issues periodically.. it is definitely a headspace thing.. I don't always think taking viagra helps as that isn't a fix all... and then if it doesn't work can make a guy feel worse.
Mr sometimes gets stage fright... but it is a lot less than when I first threw him in at the deep end. The mind is such an important sexual organ... and sometimes we do ourselves a disservice by over thinking xx
As a woman is less obvious when I have a moment. But I do. |
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Most men if they're honest experience this.
The thing is the more you worry about it, the more it happens.
Don't let it take over your mind, pleasure people in other ways.....it allows your mind to escape, you get aroused and good things happen.
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"Do you do private meets too and not need it? I did wonder if it was the club atmosphere, but to be honest I’ve played with my wife in couples rooms and it’s never been an issue, in fact later that night that’s what we did and we had a grand old time."
I Tony much prefer cozy private meets than the rushed, cold 'industrial atmosphere of many clubs. As a couple we prefer to get to know others, a cozy social meet followed by more comfortable time together at one or another's house. Hopefully frequent meets thereafter and a developing naughty friendship. You get to learn about each other, nerves fade and things happen naturally at a much less rushed pace ! |
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"Do you do private meets too and not need it? I did wonder if it was the club atmosphere, but to be honest I’ve played with my wife in couples rooms and it’s never been an issue, in fact later that night that’s what we did and we had a grand old time.
I Tony much prefer cozy private meets than the rushed, cold 'industrial atmosphere of many clubs. As a couple we prefer to get to know others, a cozy social meet followed by more comfortable time together at one or another's house. Hopefully frequent meets thereafter and a developing naughty friendship. You get to learn about each other, nerves fade and things happen naturally at a much less rushed pace !"
We would completely agree with you.
Club vs private meets have a very different dynamic. |
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It's definitely normal OP, and despite it being a line often used as the butt of jokes it really does "happen to lots of guys"
As for how to get around it, well I think a lot has to be said for the confidence that comes from that first success. This was your first time out and you had a minor failure to launch, take stock but don't beat yourself up; most men are not accustomed to whipping out a hardon in front of a stranger. Especially when one of them is a man, and the other is his wife.
A little bit of pre-game prep with an ED enhancer of your choice (discuss with your doctor) can be of great benefit in these early stages but don't assume you will always need it as if you don't have the issue generally it's likely once you have got used to the scenario type you won't need it going forward. |
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Some very sound advice in this thread OP - have read through the comments and it’s good to know that it’s a fairly common prob.
It’s happened to me before and I find that if I’m too turned on and too excited by the whole build up (sometimes days before hand) I risk going into ‘limp mode’ it’s ridiculous isn’t it. These days I try not to let myself think too much about an upcoming meet and ensure I have a little blue pill in my back pocket as an insurance policy lol
Have fun, get back in the saddle so to speak and thanks for an interesting, honest thread |
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Happened to me on our first soft swap. I just apologised, the lady fully understood and said her fella had exactly the same. We met them a few times after that and was never an issue again.
Don’t stress over it.
J. |
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By *orny PTMan 11 weeks ago
Peterborough |
"
It’s happened to me before and I find that if I’m too turned on and too excited by the whole build up (sometimes days before hand) I risk going into ‘limp mode’ it’s ridiculous isn’t it. "
Like having a full bladder, then being unable to pee when you finally get to the loo? |
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Viagra sorted it 
I only have it when we go to clubs 
