"All I can advise is fake it til you make it. Deep breath and say "hello".
even if their in conversation with others x"
Difficult isn't it. I'd say judge that at the time. Possibly try "can I join you?" or something like that
I remember being at an organised social and seeing a guy on the sidelines who clearly wanted to join in but wasn't sure how. Before we could invite him over he left. |
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"yeah i’ve only been to one social got ignored so left after an hour
It's a shame.
off to my next social next week
Hope it goes well 
if it don’t i won’t be doing socials again "
Is there a list of who's going? Could you contact a couple of them and arrange to meet up and chat when you get there? |
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"yeah i’ve only been to one social got ignored so left after an hour "
Often hear people say similar but then maybe they were ignoring others too. Been to socials where people (usually men but sometimes couples) are just sitting or standing away from others a little and making no effort to join in or chat to others. Somebody might be kind and come and say hello but real life and online are similar - you tend to get out what you put in. |
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I've been to social events alone (not swinging related) and its hard. Most people are exclusive and will stick with their mates, they won't notice let alone try to include someone who's on their own. It takes a huge amount of confidence to approach people in a group and I don't think I'd have the nerve.
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OP I think the secret is to tailor things to your advantage.
For example I am sociable and can talk but I don’t do well at large socials. I just don’t like them and find them overwhelming. As a result I just don’t go to large socials. Same group of people at a party - totally different story and I am more than happy because I can also play there.
My point is that if you struggle at a club then either focus on some other activity or, if you want to do a club, maybe go with someone else so you have someone to talk to. Whatever you do, change the dynamic to suit the way that works for you and stop trying to play the game that everyone else tells you that you have to play. |
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By *agicmarc OP Man
over a year ago
tonyrefail |
"I've been to social events alone (not swinging related) and its hard. Most people are exclusive and will stick with their mates, they won't notice let alone try to include someone who's on their own. It takes a huge amount of confidence to approach people in a group and I don't think I'd have the nerve.
"
spot on |
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Try a different club. Our local club, Shhh in Newcastle has a big communal bar table which seats probably 10-15 people. Usually multiple conversations going on at the same time and since it's a communal table there's no concept of you asking to join in. There are seats around the edge of the bar room too, but you'd look weird to sit there and not join in the communal chat if there was space.
Dunno what your club layout is like, but have a look at other options. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I go to clubs alone I love it.
My favourite is chams everyone is super friendly I always just smile at people and look approachable. I also have no problem saying hello. It's normal to feel nervous of course but sometimes you just have to hove yourself a push. |
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Say hello when someone makes eye contact, pass a compliment, comment about the venue, ask their names, share a funny story, etc. and by this time you should have a really good idea whether to continue or not. If the conversation is feeling one sided then politely say nice meeting you and I am going to mingle with the rest of room and move on. Don't hang around if someone is not making eye contact, if there are awkward silences or if they turn their back on you during conversations. |
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We are not naturally confident but grit our teeth and fake it at socials. Most people are also a bit shy we find and are happy that we make the initial effort to say hello and get conversations started. It gets easier with practice. |
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By *more226Man
over a year ago
somewhere wiltshire |
"All I can advise is fake it til you make it. Deep breath and say "hello".
even if their in conversation with others x
Difficult isn't it. I'd say judge that at the time. Possibly try "can I join you?" or something like that
I remember being at an organised social and seeing a guy on the sidelines who clearly wanted to join in but wasn't sure how. Before we could invite him over he left. "
must admit being on your own is definitely not easy I went to my local swingers club and found people great but it’s still makes you feel out of place |
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By *agicmarc OP Man
over a year ago
tonyrefail |
"All I can advise is fake it til you make it. Deep breath and say "hello".
even if their in conversation with others x
Difficult isn't it. I'd say judge that at the time. Possibly try "can I join you?" or something like that
I remember being at an organised social and seeing a guy on the sidelines who clearly wanted to join in but wasn't sure how. Before we could invite him over he left. must admit being on your own is definitely not easy I went to my local swingers club and found people great but it’s still makes you feel out of place "
yeah it does |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
Just had a quick read if your verifications OP and a lot of them say that they had a good chat with you, you were good company, you put them at ease etc. so you shouldn’t worry too much about it i don’t think, if you do feel nervous and feel like you aren’t talking much it doesn’t seem to be obvious to the people you meet. |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"no i know it’s in my head it’s more like say if i see someone i like whose already talking i don’t want to interrupt them while they’re talking with others x"
Well that’s just good manners, it’s rude to interrupt so it’s good that you do that. I don’t think you do that because you’re nervous I think you do that because you’re polite. |
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Go easy on yourself OP. You've already done the hardest part and walked in the door by yourself. Be proud of that. It takes a lot of courage and you did it. Most men don't ever get that far.
I go to socials and club's alone and it really isn't easy.
Keep in mind that there is a part of you that believes you're up for it or you would never have gone in the first place.
There's a lot of positives here that are already in your favour and you can focus on those to help you find a place of calm in yourself the next time you go.
Maybe think about going to a few social events too. I find that they are much less intimidating and you may make a few acquaintances that also frequent the same clubs.
Perhaps if you contacted the hosts and explained that you feel a bit shy they might introduce you to some people.
Don't forget that people do want you there. The club wants your business and other members of the club will be looking for single guys.
The thing that helped me the most was deciding to treat my visits as socials. Taking sex out of the equation made the biggest difference to me.
Find your people and keep your circle small. |
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