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Finding an appropriate Sub
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By *olumbarius OP Man
over a year ago
Between Redruth & Exeter |
I was approached by a 'girl' on here last week, who wanted a Daddy Dom, as Master to her as a Sub. Great messages back and forth, then nothing...suddenly unfriended, messages deleted, and off Fab. I'm assuming she got cold feet, despite sounding as keen as mustard.
Are there any Subs/wannbe Subs looking for a Daddy Dom to train them, use them, share them, treat them?
I'm a very respectful, understanding Daddy...please drop me a message.
Lance |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise. "
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise. "
100% this. |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise. "
Oh my goodness. That seems a bit Pedantic. |
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"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well. "
If you don't follow the prescribed protocol then you're not welcome at BDSM club I'm afraid.
If you can just hand over your implements to a True Dom (tm) and leave your membership card in the bin on your way out, that would be much appreciated |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Oh my goodness. That seems a bit Pedantic. "
It may seem that way but in the BDSM world it's done as a form of respect.
So Dominant words like Master, Sir or Madame are capitalised.
submissive words like pet, girl, boy etc are not.
If you wanted to spend the time there are plenty of articles online. The world is very interesting with lots of different and fun dynamics  |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well. "
Capital letters aren’t normally used at the start of an adjective so using a capital letter for Dom etc is a sign of respect and authority, using a lower case s for sub is just correct grammar and there’s no reason to use a capital S. |
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"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well.
Capital letters aren’t normally used at the start of an adjective so using a capital letter for Dom etc is a sign of respect and authority, using a lower case s for sub is just correct grammar and there’s no reason to use a capital S. "
If someone doesn't consider me an equal and treat me with respect, they don't get to beat me within a half inch of my life |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise. "
Its always Sub with a capitol, always has been. It's the little shows of respect, given the Sub is always in full control of all scenes.
s l a v e however, would be little with a small s
Ms x |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission? "
Not sure if it’s a noun or an adjective to be honest but neither require a capital letter. If you describe someone as either a leader or a follower you wouldn’t use a capital letter for them, nor for wife or husband, teacher or student….if grammar is more important then it definitely shouldn’t have a capital letter. And as i explained in my previous post, the capital letter at the start of Dom is a sign of respect, the lower case letter at the start of sub is just correct grammar, nothing to do with denigrating anyone. |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission?
Not sure if it’s a noun or an adjective to be honest but neither require a capital letter. If you describe someone as either a leader or a follower you wouldn’t use a capital letter for them, nor for wife or husband, teacher or student….if grammar is more important then it definitely shouldn’t have a capital letter. And as i explained in my previous post, the capital letter at the start of Dom is a sign of respect, the lower case letter at the start of sub is just correct grammar, nothing to do with denigrating anyone. "
So, the sub does not deserve the same respect is what is implied there. |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well.
Capital letters aren’t normally used at the start of an adjective so using a capital letter for Dom etc is a sign of respect and authority, using a lower case s for sub is just correct grammar and there’s no reason to use a capital S.
If someone doesn't consider me an equal and treat me with respect, they don't get to beat me within a half inch of my life "
Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways. |
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", given the Sub is always in full control of all scenes.
Ms x"
I'm afraid I would (respectfully) disagree with the above .... a sub doesn't have FULL control of the scene, a scene is pre negotiated and then undertaken by both parties. This is within both's limits/wants/hopes etc Also, both have the power to stop a scene.... a Dom can 'safeword' and end it if they do not feel comfortable just as a sub can
A sub gives over their power and a Dom receives it.... it's a symbiotic relationship which is 50:50.
K |
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"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well.
Capital letters aren’t normally used at the start of an adjective so using a capital letter for Dom etc is a sign of respect and authority, using a lower case s for sub is just correct grammar and there’s no reason to use a capital S.
If someone doesn't consider me an equal and treat me with respect, they don't get to beat me within a half inch of my life
Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways. "
If you put Dom and sub in the same sentence it shows total disrespect |
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"Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways. "
Saying that the Dom deserves the respect of a capital letter and the sub does not is a pretty clear lack of mutual respect. |
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", given the Sub is always in full control of all scenes.
Ms x
I'm afraid I would (respectfully) disagree with the above .... a sub doesn't have FULL control of the scene, a scene is pre negotiated and then undertaken by both parties. This is within both's limits/wants/hopes etc Also, both have the power to stop a scene.... a Dom can 'safeword' and end it if they do not feel comfortable just as a sub can
A sub gives over their power and a Dom receives it.... it's a symbiotic relationship which is 50:50.
K"
That's an interesting perspective, but not one I take on during a scene personally. My Subs have full control, however, what we do is highly extreme so perhaps that's where it's very different.
And hey, it keeps the wage coming it! So it works for me and my clients
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission?
Not sure if it’s a noun or an adjective to be honest but neither require a capital letter. If you describe someone as either a leader or a follower you wouldn’t use a capital letter for them, nor for wife or husband, teacher or student….if grammar is more important then it definitely shouldn’t have a capital letter. And as i explained in my previous post, the capital letter at the start of Dom is a sign of respect, the lower case letter at the start of sub is just correct grammar, nothing to do with denigrating anyone.
So, the sub does not deserve the same respect is what is implied there."
That’s not what I said or implied, it’s just a sign of respect, it’s not about one being less deserving or not equal. Like when we were at school and we addressed our teachers as Mr, Mrs, Miss etc, teachers are no more deserving of respect than anyone else, they’re equal to everyone else, the don’t have any less respect for students than students have for them. When a teacher calls a student by their first name it doesn’t mean that they consider the student to be less than equal to them or less deserving of respect |
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"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
"
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term) |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways.
Saying that the Dom deserves the respect of a capital letter and the sub does not is a pretty clear lack of mutual respect."
The sud chooses to use a capital letter at the start to show respect, the Dom doesn’t have to reciprocate that but can still respect the sub. I’ve never said that a Dom deserves respect and a sub not, I’ve only said that a sub uses a capital letter as a sign of respect. |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission?
Not sure if it’s a noun or an adjective to be honest but neither require a capital letter. If you describe someone as either a leader or a follower you wouldn’t use a capital letter for them, nor for wife or husband, teacher or student….if grammar is more important then it definitely shouldn’t have a capital letter. And as i explained in my previous post, the capital letter at the start of Dom is a sign of respect, the lower case letter at the start of sub is just correct grammar, nothing to do with denigrating anyone.
So, the sub does not deserve the same respect is what is implied there.
That’s not what I said or implied, it’s just a sign of respect, it’s not about one being less deserving or not equal. Like when we were at school and we addressed our teachers as Mr, Mrs, Miss etc, teachers are no more deserving of respect than anyone else, they’re equal to everyone else, the don’t have any less respect for students than students have for them. When a teacher calls a student by their first name it doesn’t mean that they consider the student to be less than equal to them or less deserving of respect "
You said earlier using a capital D for Dom was a mark of respect. The Dom should hold the Sub in the same regard |
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"Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways.
Saying that the Dom deserves the respect of a capital letter and the sub does not is a pretty clear lack of mutual respect.
The sud chooses to use a capital letter at the start to show respect, the Dom doesn’t have to reciprocate that but can still respect the sub. I’ve never said that a Dom deserves respect and a sub not, I’ve only said that a sub uses a capital letter as a sign of respect. "
If someone expects a particular sign of respect from me with no intention of reciprocating that same respect, they can fuck right off |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term) "
Being in full control of what happens to their body and consenting fully throughout applies to anyone in any situation. |
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"Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways.
Saying that the Dom deserves the respect of a capital letter and the sub does not is a pretty clear lack of mutual respect.
The sud chooses to use a capital letter at the start to show respect, the Dom doesn’t have to reciprocate that but can still respect the sub. I’ve never said that a Dom deserves respect and a sub not, I’ve only said that a sub uses a capital letter as a sign of respect. "
"The Dom doesn't have to reciprocate " contradicts "can still respect the Sub" |
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"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term)
Being in full control of what happens to their body and consenting fully throughout applies to anyone in any situation. "
Obviously. However we're talking about a Dom/Domme & Sub situation, rather than any situation so I spoke on it in term of that specific dynamic |
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"
"The Dom doesn't have to reciprocate " contradicts "can still respect the Sub" "
Arbitrary rules don't need to make sense, because if they did you wouldn't be teaching obedience, you would be teaching logic. |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
Does it not count as a proper noun? Or a title? Perhaps the grammar is more important than denigrating the value of submission?
Not sure if it’s a noun or an adjective to be honest but neither require a capital letter. If you describe someone as either a leader or a follower you wouldn’t use a capital letter for them, nor for wife or husband, teacher or student….if grammar is more important then it definitely shouldn’t have a capital letter. And as i explained in my previous post, the capital letter at the start of Dom is a sign of respect, the lower case letter at the start of sub is just correct grammar, nothing to do with denigrating anyone.
So, the sub does not deserve the same respect is what is implied there.
That’s not what I said or implied, it’s just a sign of respect, it’s not about one being less deserving or not equal. Like when we were at school and we addressed our teachers as Mr, Mrs, Miss etc, teachers are no more deserving of respect than anyone else, they’re equal to everyone else, the don’t have any less respect for students than students have for them. When a teacher calls a student by their first name it doesn’t mean that they consider the student to be less than equal to them or less deserving of respect
You said earlier using a capital D for Dom was a mark of respect. The Dom should hold the Sub in the same regard "
Yes they should, I agree, but it doesn’t mean they have to reciprocate it in exactly the same way. Using a lower case s for sub isn’t a sign of disrespect, it’s just correct grammar. |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Showing someone respect and that person having authority over you doesn’t automatically imply that person doesn’t consider you an equal or respect you. I’ve worked in managerial roles at work where I had authority over people in certain ways, I never considered them less than equal to me, there was mutual respect but it was shown in different ways.
Saying that the Dom deserves the respect of a capital letter and the sub does not is a pretty clear lack of mutual respect.
The sud chooses to use a capital letter at the start to show respect, the Dom doesn’t have to reciprocate that but can still respect the sub. I’ve never said that a Dom deserves respect and a sub not, I’ve only said that a sub uses a capital letter as a sign of respect.
"The Dom doesn't have to reciprocate " contradicts "can still respect the Sub" "
Why does it? People show respect in different ways and it’s not always reciprocated in exactly the same way. A sub can have respect for a Dom and not use a capital letter, it’s just a sign of respect it’s not a condition of respect |
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"Why does it? People show respect in different ways and it’s not always reciprocated in exactly the same way. A sub can have respect for a Dom and not use a capital letter, it’s just a sign of respect it’s not a condition of respect "
If it is okay for a sub to refer to a dom without a capital letter, then why on earth was the original comment about capitalisation implying that the OP obviously had no concept or experience in the kink scene? |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Why does it? People show respect in different ways and it’s not always reciprocated in exactly the same way. A sub can have respect for a Dom and not use a capital letter, it’s just a sign of respect it’s not a condition of respect
If it is okay for a sub to refer to a dom without a capital letter, then why on earth was the original comment about capitalisation implying that the OP obviously had no concept or experience in the kink scene?"
I said that using a capital S implies that he doesn’t have much experience, I didn’t say that he obviously doesn’t. It’s just not normal protocol to use a capital S for sub, I’ve never said it isn’t allowed or that subs don’t deserve to have a capital S or that subs have to use a capital D for Dom. |
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"Why does it? People show respect in different ways and it’s not always reciprocated in exactly the same way. A sub can have respect for a Dom and not use a capital letter, it’s just a sign of respect it’s not a condition of respect
If it is okay for a sub to refer to a dom without a capital letter, then why on earth was the original comment about capitalisation implying that the OP obviously had no concept or experience in the kink scene?
I said that using a capital S implies that he doesn’t have much experience, I didn’t say that he obviously doesn’t. It’s just not normal protocol to use a capital S for sub, I’ve never said it isn’t allowed or that subs don’t deserve to have a capital S or that subs have to use a capital D for Dom. "
Well. Fuck the protocol |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"Why does it? People show respect in different ways and it’s not always reciprocated in exactly the same way. A sub can have respect for a Dom and not use a capital letter, it’s just a sign of respect it’s not a condition of respect
If it is okay for a sub to refer to a dom without a capital letter, then why on earth was the original comment about capitalisation implying that the OP obviously had no concept or experience in the kink scene?"
If a sub did a similar post but used a lower case d then I’d say the same thing. |
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"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term) "
That's very interesting. I'd say the Dom/Domme has full control of the situation, The Sub has only control of themselves |
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"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term)
That's very interesting. I'd say the Dom/Domme has full control of the situation, The Sub has only control of themselves "
As I said above, perhaps I have a different perspective as I deal in the extremes, it's not just abit of impact, gags etc.
I'd never ever put a Sub through something I didn't know they were fully consenting to prior, I'd never push past a limit or boudary unless this was discussed before starting and through the scene ie they wanted to push themselves further in which case wed take the baby steps route. It could cause serious trauma and/or physical injury if I did |
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By *olumbarius OP Man
over a year ago
Between Redruth & Exeter |
"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise. "
I view Dom and Sub as titles, but that's my opinion |
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By *olumbarius OP Man
over a year ago
Between Redruth & Exeter |
"I would naturally write Sub and Dom as well. Guess that my credentials in that field gone as well.
Capital letters aren’t normally used at the start of an adjective so using a capital letter for Dom etc is a sign of respect and authority, using a lower case s for sub is just correct grammar and there’s no reason to use a capital S.
If someone doesn't consider me an equal and treat me with respect, they don't get to beat me within a half inch of my life "
That's how I see my Dom/Sub relationship...it is equal and respectful |
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"Why are you using a capital ‘S’ at the start sub? You give the impression that you’re an experienced Dom but using a capital S for sub indicates otherwise.
I view Dom and Sub as titles, but that's my opinion"
Don't worry, you're not doing anything wrong.
From this side of the scene I see a lot of One True Way types who don't grasp the idea of individual dynamics.
I don't care for the DD thing at all personally, but I hope you find what you're looking for OP |
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"If they have full control are they not Topping from the bottom?
Ofcourse not lol.
They're just in full control of what happens to their body ie consenting thoroughly. They're in full control of their limits and boundaries.
I'd also hope any Sub I worked with (or played with should it be a play encounter instead of a work encounter) would know They're in control of the scene, step by step. I'm just there to help them experience it, to guide them through, to push them just a little harder if they want to. I'm a tool I guess (not quite the right word but I'm in a brain fog day and can't think of a more appropriate term)
That's very interesting. I'd say the Dom/Domme has full control of the situation, The Sub has only control of themselves
As I said above, perhaps I have a different perspective as I deal in the extremes, it's not just abit of impact, gags etc.
I'd never ever put a Sub through something I didn't know they were fully consenting to prior, I'd never push past a limit or boudary unless this was discussed before starting and through the scene ie they wanted to push themselves further in which case wed take the baby steps route. It could cause serious trauma and/or physical injury if I did"
Yes I've been involved in extreme for 8 years as a Submissive
I agree with what you've said |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
These are my thoughts, others may think differently.
There are to my mind two aspects of the conversation. The first around protocol and the second around dynamics (dynamics to be dealt with in another post).
In regard to both there is history and context.
I will deal with protocol first.
In regard to D/s people tend to think they are original but they tend to be acting out stereotypes or tropes that evolved from their culture, but mostly of the culture of the U.S.
Therefore my thoughts on the protocol issue are as follows.
In Old School BDSM to be blunt, subs historically (pre 1970s) were not seen as equals, the sub's role was to obey and it was seen as a lower position. Pre 1970s BDSM absorbed many influences, (gay, military and others). In the U.S various cultures emerged the best known is the Leathermen which developed ways of behaviour that were set out in the "Leatherman Handbook". A quick description of it:
"What L.T. offers in the Handbook are principles learned through years of experience in the SM playing field, and he invites you to agree or disagree with his ideas and conclusions...a pioneering work in gay SM." - Victor Terry, 1997"
With being gay becoming more acceptable there was more of a crossover with the straight practitioners of BDSM and also the lesbian practioners (Google the feminist BDSM debates). There was over the next twenty years in the U.S more organisations in regard to BDSM and more academic writing on it. The understanding of the positions of the Dom and sub evolved to the position held today ( by most) where parties are equal human beings and equal to respect, but one has given authority to the other.
The above is a long way of saying there is a context and history to protocol. Therefore in D/s the title "Dominant" was seen as a honoric and capitalised.
It was a protocol matter which has been retained. No different than any modern protocol or honorific.
However, protocol should not get in the way of enjoying individual D/s. BDSM and kink are personal: do what you enjoy in terms of protocol.
But if you believe there is a community with a history, then these practices are not disrespectful because: (a) the understanding of the positions of the Dom and sub has evolvolved ; and (b) importantly, if both parties accept this practice within play or their relationship as authority or power dynamic established as agreed, then a couple who clearly respect each other may choose to think of themselves as D/s - and be loving this shift. Using the cap or non-cap here in pre-negotiation can feel right for some.
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