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Confidence
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Fake it till you make it.
I'm not even joking.
Your allowed to be nervous.
It's great opening line. You'll be surprised how receptive people are. Everyone was nervous their first time to they understand. |
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"Fake it till you make it.
I'm not even joking.
Your allowed to be nervous.
It's great opening line. You'll be surprised how receptive people are. Everyone was nervous their first time to they understand."
I don't really understand what you mean by that tbh. |
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Be yourself and remember that most people are in the same position as you and everyone in the club has been there at some point.
I (Mr) find small talk based on observation is a good starter.
If I get stuck, I’ll ask questions. Most people find it easy to talk about themself, be an active listener and T up the next question.
Don’t latch on to people for too long, you can always go back
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself - it’s supposed to be fun |
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"Be yourself and remember that most people are in the same position as you and everyone in the club has been there at some point.
I (Mr) find small talk based on observation is a good starter.
If I get stuck, I’ll ask questions. Most people find it easy to talk about themself, be an active listener and T up the next question.
Don’t latch on to people for too long, you can always go back
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself - it’s supposed to be fun "
What do you mean by small talk based on observation? |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"Be yourself and remember that most people are in the same position as you and everyone in the club has been there at some point.
I (Mr) find small talk based on observation is a good starter.
If I get stuck, I’ll ask questions. Most people find it easy to talk about themself, be an active listener and T up the next question.
Don’t latch on to people for too long, you can always go back
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself - it’s supposed to be fun
What do you mean by small talk based on observation?"
A little hello introduce yourself be polite |
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"
What do you mean by small talk based on observation?"
Observe stuff about the person/persons and then start talking about it (Pro tip / have a bit of knowledge on the chosen topic)!
“Oh, you’ve ordered gin and tonic. Have you tried the rhubarb gin and ginger ale”? Conversation starter
Not
“ oh champagne, have you tried the Spanish champagne”? Crash, burn, see pro tip on subject knowledge.
I’m not gonna share all my tips  start and encourage conversation, don’t use questions that can be answered ‘Yes/No’. If conversation dries up, move on, but don’t be afraid to check back later to be sure |
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"How do you all get the self confidence to approach people in clubs?"
I always approach people and say Hi it shows that you are kind and gives off good energy. Even if it’s a smile. I go out on my own sometimes too and you can meet great people. The world is yours beautiful x |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
Confidence is an attitude.
Wanting people to like you is not the same as being liked.
I couldn’t care a toss if people like me or not. It filters out the poor me and needy and leaves behind the congruent fun people |
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"
start and encourage conversation
That's the main part I have trouble with, I don't know where people get the confidence to just approach someone and start talking to them"
Don’t just direct approach. Find the right moment when nearby and just start talking naturally. About drinks at the bar. About what they are wearing. About hair style. Etc. Conversation not progress in which smile and move and perhaps say hello again later or next time you visit. Or it may progress quickly. And yep fake it till you make it. Polite confidence is attractive. Shy and nervous isn’t. |
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Oh and wear something special and make yourself feel good helps with confidence. See so many men looking like made no effort. I feel more confident if looking my best and better than many others (even if the face let’s it down ) |
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"
What do you mean by small talk based on observation?
Observe stuff about the person/persons and then start talking about it (Pro tip / have a bit of knowledge on the chosen topic)!
“Oh, you’ve ordered gin and tonic. Have you tried the rhubarb gin and ginger ale”? Conversation starter
Not
“ oh champagne, have you tried the Spanish champagne”? Crash, burn, see pro tip on subject knowledge.
I’m not gonna share all my tips start and encourage conversation, don’t use questions that can be answered ‘Yes/No’. If conversation dries up, move on, but don’t be afraid to check back later to be sure "
Asking someone if they have tried a different drink isn’t an open ended question as they could answer yes or no |
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"Fake it till you make it.
I'm not even joking.
Your allowed to be nervous.
It's great opening line. You'll be surprised how receptive people are. Everyone was nervous their first time to they understand."
I mean you can just be honest and tell people it's your first time and that your nervous.
It's the easiest and most honest way to start a conversation in a situation like that.
Everyone remembers their first time. They were nervous too. |
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"Fake it till you make it.
I'm not even joking.
Your allowed to be nervous.
It's great opening line. You'll be surprised how receptive people are. Everyone was nervous their first time to they understand."
I actually agree with if I’m going in to situation I’m nervous about I litterally tell myself pretend your confident and it’s alway worked, in clubs. But even in normal situations like interviews etc.
Most people we’ve met and I’d like to think ourselves are so friendly in clubs. Like others have said just explain your nervous and never know what to say, I’m sure they’ll ask you questions, ie have been to clubs before etc and soon the conversation will be flowing.
Xx |
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By *ickD80Man
over a year ago
Wolverhampton |
"If you don’t have the confidence to approach other people then you should try just staring at someone until they eventually approach you.
.....to say "stop just staring at me like a weirdo!" "
That’s what they’ll say if they’re polite, otherwise…. |
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"Fake it till you make it.
I'm not even joking.
Your allowed to be nervous.
It's great opening line. You'll be surprised how receptive people are. Everyone was nervous their first time to they understand.
I mean you can just be honest and tell people it's your first time and that your nervous.
It's the easiest and most honest way to start a conversation in a situation like that.
Everyone remembers their first time. They were nervous too."
It wouldn't be my first time, I've been three times |
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"
start and encourage conversation
That's the main part I have trouble with, I don't know where people get the confidence to just approach someone and start talking to them
Don’t just direct approach. Find the right moment when nearby and just start talking naturally. About drinks at the bar. About what they are wearing. About hair style. Etc. Conversation not progress in which smile and move and perhaps say hello again later or next time you visit. Or it may progress quickly. And yep fake it till you make it. Polite confidence is attractive. Shy and nervous isn’t. "
How do you know when it's the right moment? Also, people keep saying "fake it til you make it" - what does that even mean? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
start and encourage conversation
That's the main part I have trouble with, I don't know where people get the confidence to just approach someone and start talking to them"
“Hi, is this your first time”
It’s as easy as that |
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"
Asking someone if they have tried a different drink isn’t an open ended question as they could answer yes or no"
Thank you for the observation 
I had hoped the break in paragraphs would de-link the comments - will try harder next time |
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Fake it till you make it would be my advice, and since you keep asking what it means.... you basically just pretend you're a really confident person. Forget you are the nervous type, and adopt the alter ego of a confident, self assured person. Sounds crazy, buy it works. Plus, confidence is very attractive so it's a win win.
I what I would say I am pretty laid back in normal life, I'm not particularly sociable (through choice). But in a club, I put Ruby (that's me) in the locker, and SmoothGroove comes out to play. IRL I'd never walk up to a stranger and say, 'Is that you are after shave I can smell? Its beautiful.' But, in a club i can.
Just go in with a casual comment or observation and judge the situation.....
*I like your dress
*what are you drinking?
*have you been here before?
*it's warm/cold in here.
Avoid personal questions like asking where people live, or what they do for work.
Don't try and dominate their time. You'll soon pick up on whether they'd like to keep chatting or move on.
I want to have pushed yourself to do it a few times it will feel easier, hence the phrase 'fake it till you make it'. |
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Fake it till you make it….essentially means pretend to be confident.
As has already been said, we’ve all been there and everyone felt nervous the first time. If we’re honest, despite having been to many clubs we still get nervous at first. We love when a guy approaches us, a simple “I’m ‘insert name’”with an arm outstretched to the guy to shake his hand works well. If you’re talking to a couple make sure you are talking to both of them, you may only be interested in the female but engage.
Little story, last Friday we went to a club and saw a guy come in. Handsome and well dressed. We both thought he looked good and potentially would have chatted/more with him. However, within 5 minutes he had his top off, towel under his arm and basically strutted up and down the bar for 45 minutes, not once engaging with anyone. Don’t be this guy. We saw him later in the evening playing with himself. From a 10 to a 0 in no time at all.
Accept rejection, it’s part of life. We’ve been rejected before as has everyone. You move on with a smile on your face. X |
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By *weetCruellaWoman
over a year ago
somewhere sweet and sour |
"Plus you seem to be doing ok according to your veris "
Totally this. When the lady says "can I taste your cock" and he whips it out... he ain't doing too bad. And gangbangs??? Don't think you are shy if you are participating in them lol.
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"Plus you seem to be doing ok according to your veris
Totally this. When the lady says "can I taste your cock" and he whips it out... he ain't doing too bad. And gangbangs??? Don't think you are shy if you are participating in them lol.
"
All of those ladies approached me. I've never approached anyone. I went the other night and didn't really talk to anyone all night until someone I already knew basically set me up with someone.
I'm not shy about being in a gangbang, but do I have any idea how to approach a stranger? No |
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"How do you all get the self confidence to approach people in clubs?"
Confidence only grows in practice for anything surely? You've just got to walk up to people and introduce yourself. E.G.. "Hello my names T... how are you?, you both look nice". You may get a smile, a reply and start a conversation. Or you may get scowled at and get the message to go away. We see single guys in club's walking around, admiring, but haven't got the balls to say hello. The one's who do say hello are far more likely to get some fun. We've had guy's approach us at the end of the night but it's been too late, if they'd chatted earlier we may have ended up in a room. Next time you're in a club go for it. Have a thick skin, you'll get knocked back by some but may get lucky. |
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"Plus you seem to be doing ok according to your veris
Totally this. When the lady says "can I taste your cock" and he whips it out... he ain't doing too bad. And gangbangs??? Don't think you are shy if you are participating in them lol.
All of those ladies approached me. I've never approached anyone. I went the other night and didn't really talk to anyone all night until someone I already knew basically set me up with someone.
I'm not shy about being in a gangbang, but do I have any idea how to approach a stranger? No"
Maybe practising talking to people outside the lifestyle would be a good idea.
There's a difference between confidence and being able to communicate with other humans. Don't get them confused and make it harder than it actually is!
What's the worst outcome of saying hello to a stranger in a club? |
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By *eyeYCouple
over a year ago
Nr Leicester |
Approaching in a club is identical to saying hello at a standard bar.
Everyone is there for the same reason, give or take.
Only an idiot would have an issue with you approaching respectfully  |
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By *iss.ddWoman
over a year ago
Leeds + Newcastle |
Do you make idle chit chat in the supermarket with the till person?
Barber?
Barman?
Dog walker?
Just a mornin, alright, bloody weather eh?
If you are going idle chat in normal day to day life, I bet you're doing it without thinking.
It's the same as at a club. Don't overthink it because it's a 'sex club', it's just the same people waiting for a drink, hiding from the rain in the smoking section etc etc |
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"Do you make idle chit chat in the supermarket with the till person?
Barber?
Barman?
Dog walker?
Just a mornin, alright, bloody weather eh?
If you are going idle chat in normal day to day life, I bet you're doing it without thinking.
It's the same as at a club. Don't overthink it because it's a 'sex club', it's just the same people waiting for a drink, hiding from the rain in the smoking section etc etc "
This! 
More to the point you can practice by making an effort to talk to strangers in everyday life. Start chatting to somebody in a lift, at the bus stop, etc. Dare I say even flirt with them. Not with any intention of going further but just to flirt. Many times they will flirt back but then you go your separate ways but you've had a moment of pleasure. If you can get comfortable at doing that you can do it in the swinging context. I was awfully shy as a teenager and deep down I still am but I've practiced and now chat away. |
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You might be bring a little too hard on yourself.
If people are approaching you that's already great and you can give yourself credit for that. Let your confidence grow from there.
Play to your strengths. If your an approachable guy, be that guy!
There's great advice above.
Don't worry about how to start conversations.
Just say hello and introduce yourself.
If a conversation doesn't start naturally from there just say your nervous. That's a perfectly fine conversation starter.
Remember that people who are interested in you will make the effort too.
You don't carry all the weight to make it work!
I wish you luck. |
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The problem with confidence isn't being able to fake it till you make it, you either have it or you don't.
Make it easier by not treating people you meet as potential fuck buddies, treat them like people in the supermarket, or the library, or guests at a wedding.
If normal conversation flows the subject of joining in a room may just naturally happen.
If it does, just join in.
The simple act of being invited into a room for sex should give a modicum of confidence, then just keep doing that.
Even if you don't get an invite, a chat with sexy people is always appreciated. |
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Had a look at your veris, seems we go to the same club/events sometimes, if you want to drop us a message, we'd be happy to meet up next time we're all there so you've got people to wander with, get a drink with etc and I'm happy to help introduce you to others as we often see afew regular faces we've become friends with |
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"Here’s a simple thing.
Go to a pub in a nearby town and try to strike up polite conversation with strangers.
Practice that until you’re comfortable then go to a club.
It ain’t rocket science. "
Sound advice after all people are people the only difference is the location |
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Just be yourself and nothing else !!! People who are shy or lack confidence are brought in to the swinging world with love, care and respect. Yes, this feels like a target is being put on your back as a newbie, and yes, it’s frightening…… but go with it and laugh about it, and whatever you do keep on smiling …. It will draw friends in and an interest in you…….. one good tip …… read other people’s verifications to see what it is that people like about them and then think about what people might like about you xxx most of all …. ‘Fuck em all and just have fun’ but stay respectful in a respectful swinging word lol xxx much love xxx rainbow) |
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By *DW1983Man
over a year ago
Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield |
I'm not particularly confident, and not sure the 'fake it' thing works for me personally, but one thing I've found is that things like playing pool if there's a pool table or the jacuzzi are good ways to get talking to people. Even if it's not people you want to play (in a sexual sense) with, playing pool can help you get to know people, be part of the social scene and lead to conversations that lead elsewhere. If someone else is playing, "winner stays on?" is a good opener.
Likewise, people seem mire ooen to conversations in the jacuzzi or sauna.
And remember, there are good nights and bad. I've been to clubs one night and it was terrible. I've been back the next and had a fantastic night.
Sometimes I've tried to be confident, catch someone's eye as we pass, say hello and start a conversation but they've just carried on past leaving me feeling invisible*. Sometimes a random comment at the bar has led to an unexpected conversation, which has led elsewhere.
(* of course, it's important to recognise that they're there for them, not me. They might just have been focused on someone else, been looking for their partner, not have noticed me, whatever. It's easy to over-think it sometimes.) |
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Just remember nearly everyone feels the same. Just be polite and don't try to only approach the female half of a couple for instance when the husband goes to the loo and suddenly a flock of males seem to decend on me which I find very disrepectful.
Chat normally as you would with friends. Most people in the lifestyle are friendly people. Dont feel disheartened as people move on during the evening this will still build your confidence within the network of people getting to know you for another occasion. |
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-Pick an event that does group chats prior to the party.
You’ll already have spoken to people online and lots meet up for prinks prior. You’ll recognise some faces to speak too.
- speak to the host prior and let them know your new and coming alone. Any decent host would introduce you to others, give you a tour and make you feel welcome.
- after that it’s all about backing yourself. Everyone’s there for a similar reason. Why would they play with you over others? If you don’t make a move (having conversations or asking to join in) someone else will |
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By *nasuitMan
over a year ago
Ruislip |
I find the classic 'Hi, do you come here often?' works remarkably well in swingers clubs.
It implies that they are a more regular swinger than you, which usually causes a smile and throws them off guard a bit.
If you're both first timers then you've immediately got something in common to talk about. If it's actually you that is the regular then you can give them the benefit of your wisdom about the club. If they are regulars you can instantly ask them what they think of the club. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How do you all get the self confidence to approach people in clubs?"
Some of the confidence to approach people will come with the confidence in yourself that you can start and hold a conversation.
That is a skill which can be developed.
Practice striking up conversations with strangers every time you get a chance. At the shops, stations, work, in a lift etc. If you see someone looking lost don't just walk by, ask if you can help etc.
All these general life skills will not only help in clubs.
You want to aim for open ended questions.
Do you come here often? No. Then you have ask another etc vs
What do you think of the crowd today. Might be a short answer but you can build from there.
It's a process just practice and get talking.
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"How do you all get the self confidence to approach people in clubs?"
You seem to be doing well on here mate .four meet verifications in seven months is something the majority of us single blokes can only dream of. |
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I'm not confident and I hate small talk, but can chat to people at clubs now. Honestly it's just practice. Everyone is nervous! The first few times were hard, but it just gets easier the more you do it. Everyone is there for the same reason! I usually say hi, what's your name, how are you tonight, have you been here before, what other clubs have you been to/ enjoyed, are you on fab? etc. That's enough to get the conversation going for a few mins, while everyone figures out if they want to take things further!
- Mrs P
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