FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Post Divorce Blues
Post Divorce Blues
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"Hey there, I'm not sure I have anything much to offer in reply except to say I hear you brother, and I have been there. Everyone's situation is different but I will say, as a divorced man myself with kids, it does get a lot easier eventually. Going from a family dynamic to being on your own in a flat is a very rocky experience. Even if the family dynamic was dysfunctional and unhealthy it was still a dynamic. The idea, at first, feels like it should be great... get to be your own man, your own space, freedom to do your own thing and enjoy things that you maybe had to be compromised or sacrificed when part of a family. The reality though can be different. Isolating, challenging, uncertain and unfulfilling. Two homes can be expensive but the family still needs to use that same money to operate. So the dream of living the high life as a single man doesn't quite match the finances of a family with two homes to maintain. It takes quite a bit of time to master that new life style, and also to figure out your new relationship with your family. That is most likely still very important. You might need to set up a timetable of things you like to do, and just do them. Focus on them, but make sure you don't obsessively indulge in only thing exclusively. Permit a few hours on one thing, and then switch to another thing. You need to give yourself a variety of different experiences so you don't get bored or become totally consumed by something. I do totally empathise and sympathise. I know how dark those days can get, and how lost one can feel. But at some point you find your direction, and new rules and boundaries will fall into place around new opportunities and interests. You'll end up living and enjoying your life on your terms rather than trying to make do with a set of compromises and improvised solutions. But you can't rush it or force it. Bit by bit, it will happen." You hit the nail completely on the head, my dynamic is so different to how it was I struggle with it… | |||
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"I'm very much in the midst of this right now. Separated for 2 months now after 15 year marriage. Now living by myself after leaving my wife, 2 kids and 3 dogs. It is fucking tough. So fucking hard. I walk to Glasgow green every day just to get out the flat and see people. I've taken up walking football which is getting me talking to others but this is only once a week. A few weeks ago I went through a really dark and dangerous stage, I think I've pulled myself out of it and I'm starting to get my life together but I still have moments. In a way, it gives me a bit of strength to see other people here that have been through this and living better lives. " be strong sometimes we don’t have any other choice. | |||
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"I'm very much in the midst of this right now. Separated for 2 months now after 15 year marriage. Now living by myself after leaving my wife, 2 kids and 3 dogs. It is fucking tough. So fucking hard. I walk to Glasgow green every day just to get out the flat and see people. I've taken up walking football which is getting me talking to others but this is only once a week. A few weeks ago I went through a really dark and dangerous stage, I think I've pulled myself out of it and I'm starting to get my life together but I still have moments. In a way, it gives me a bit of strength to see other people here that have been through this and living better lives. be strong sometimes we don’t have any other choice." I'm trying, I'm hopeless at the moment. I've never lived by myself, joined the army at 18, been married the last 15, I have a few mental health issues and I really don't know what to do. I'm getting help for the mental health side now but I have mental blocks stopping me from sorting stuff out. Like I still have not been for a proper food/flat supplies. First time I tried, I walked in with needing loads and walked out with bathroom mats. 2nd time I had a full on panic attack in the store and not been back since 
Need to get through this for the kids, I'm starting to have better days and things are improving. | |||
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"As horrible as these feelings are, they are normal reactions to what is (just now) an abnormal situation. Sometimes we dont realise how comforting routines are till they are no longer there. It can feel like you miss the ex partner but it's the routines you miss. I've no real advice to offer as what works for me wont work for you. Some good advice on the thread about getting out, joining clubs etc but...that's not easy either. The loss of identity is real too. I guess time will smooth the edges? All the very best x" I am hoping so as I am not this type of person, I am a very gregarious sole and am always the first up at karaoke, I coach kids football at weekends and some week evenings, but it’s the bit when I walk in the flat, to my own company that this feeling of melancholy descends on me. I will work it out eventually, it is just taking me longer and I am finding it harder than I thought it would. | |||
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"Cheers all it is nice to know I am not alone. It is ok to not be ok" Hi, Im sorry for what you're going through. I've been through a similar experience in the last 12 months. I wont go into all the details, but it's been the hardest 12 months of my life and Im really struggling to keep going at the moment. Im sometimes scared to try giving advice because everyone's situation is unique and it might not be helpful. But I just want you to know that you're definitely not alone in how you feel or in what you're experiencing right now. I know it's really tough, but I hope that you get through it soon and start to feel like your old self again before long. It sounds like you have some good positive things to focus on like your kids and the football coaching, I know some people dont have anything to focus on and that's really hard. Maybe during the off season you could come up with ideas for training sessions or something for your coaching? And spend time making memories with your kids whenever you have the time  | |||
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"Ok I am recently Seperated and the divorce was finalised at the beginning of may. I now have my own flat. And my kids come to stay whenever they want. I should be able to move on with my life but I am really struggling with it. I miss the the routine of every day life that I had. I work from home a lot so some days never leave my flat as I have no need to. Friends are all married with their own families too worry about so I can’t just keep plonking myself on them I hate cooking for just me, so either don’t bother or just eat stuff that needs no cooking. I should be having the time of my life but I am having anything but. I coach grassroots football, but we are having a summer break at the moment so I don’t even have that again till sept. I have days where I think I have got this and feel really positive, but they are outnumbered by days where I just feel very melancholic and alone. I can’t be the only divorced person to feel like this, and this might not be the right place to post this. Maybe I just need to see that other people have gone through the same thing and am not a blithering wreck of a man. " I'm sorry to hear your struggling, give yourself some much needed time to adjust to your new way of life, it's a massive change to go through and you just have to allow yourself to feel, don't be to hard on yourself and think you should be ready to face this, there are no time limits here and nobody should expect you to be "over it" I do agree with going shopping although this isn't all that socail but it gets you out in amongst people..the shared work space is also a great idea..just remember it's not the end, it's just a new way of life that you have to adapt to. Good luck. | |||
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"Ok I am recently Seperated and the divorce was finalised at the beginning of may. I now have my own flat. And my kids come to stay whenever they want. I should be able to move on with my life but I am really struggling with it. I miss the the routine of every day life that I had. I work from home a lot so some days never leave my flat as I have no need to. Friends are all married with their own families too worry about so I can’t just keep plonking myself on them I hate cooking for just me, so either don’t bother or just eat stuff that needs no cooking. I should be having the time of my life but I am having anything but. I coach grassroots football, but we are having a summer break at the moment so I don’t even have that again till sept. I have days where I think I have got this and feel really positive, but they are outnumbered by days where I just feel very melancholic and alone. I can’t be the only divorced person to feel like this, and this might not be the right place to post this. Maybe I just need to see that other people have gone through the same thing and am not a blithering wreck of a man. I'm sorry to hear your struggling, give yourself some much needed time to adjust to your new way of life, it's a massive change to go through and you just have to allow yourself to feel, don't be to hard on yourself and think you should be ready to face this, there are no time limits here and nobody should expect you to be "over it" I do agree with going shopping although this isn't all that socail but it gets you out in amongst people..the shared work space is also a great idea..just remember it's not the end, it's just a new way of life that you have to adapt to. Good luck. " Really love the bit where he says “there are no time limits here”. 1000% right! Take all the time, or as little time as you need. There literally is no clock. | |||
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"Just done the lonely single man walk round sainsburys trying to decide on what to eat. Came out with wine, cheese, ham and ice cream…. At least I got out the flat." Hey Mr Raconteur, I'm not around until late August but if you ever felt like a pint and a chat I'm up the coast in Brighton and would be up for drive down your way to swap notes on experiences. Us blokes aren't all that great at talking about it to friends and relations and sometimes, a good chat works wonders, and a stranger takes the awks out of it. Offer is there for a few week's time if you want to. | |||
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"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. " Right, I'm catching a plane to Glasgow YOU SHOULD NOT BE LIVING ON TOAST ALONE, LADY. *packs wok and nutmeg grater* | |||
"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. Being alone gives me time to reflect on my life and how I wish it had been different but then I remember there are people worse off than me. Luckily I go out to work but I also have 2 dogs. The dogs keep me company and sane and give me a reason to walk miles daily. Its not easy but try and embrace life the best you can.x" Dogs are amazing for your mental well-being. Walking in the door to be met with unadulterated joy, is incredibly infectious, and for a while leaves you feeling content with your life. | |||
"Just done the lonely single man walk round sainsburys trying to decide on what to eat. Came out with wine, cheese, ham and ice cream…. At least I got out the flat. Hey Mr Raconteur, I'm not around until late August but if you ever felt like a pint and a chat I'm up the coast in Brighton and would be up for drive down your way to swap notes on experiences. Us blokes aren't all that great at talking about it to friends and relations and sometimes, a good chat works wonders, and a stranger takes the awks out of it. Offer is there for a few week's time if you want to." will hold you to that | |||
"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. Right, I'm catching a plane to Glasgow YOU SHOULD NOT BE LIVING ON TOAST ALONE, LADY. *packs wok and nutmeg grater*" let me know what flight your booking | |||
"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. Being alone gives me time to reflect on my life and how I wish it had been different but then I remember there are people worse off than me. Luckily I go out to work but I also have 2 dogs. The dogs keep me company and sane and give me a reason to walk miles daily. Its not easy but try and embrace life the best you can.x Dogs are amazing for your mental well-being. Walking in the door to be met with unadulterated joy, is incredibly infectious, and for a while leaves you feeling content with your life." I had 2 dogs but I had to leave them with ex as she kept the house. I am in a 3rd floor flat so dogs not an option. I have two cats now which are great but it’s not the same…. | |||
"Just done the lonely single man walk round sainsburys trying to decide on what to eat. Came out with wine, cheese, ham and ice cream…. At least I got out the flat. Hey Mr Raconteur, I'm not around until late August but if you ever felt like a pint and a chat I'm up the coast in Brighton and would be up for drive down your way to swap notes on experiences. Us blokes aren't all that great at talking about it to friends and relations and sometimes, a good chat works wonders, and a stranger takes the awks out of it. Offer is there for a few week's time if you want to.will hold you to that" Great. We'll do it. I'm back in the area around the 20th August. | |||
"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. Right, I'm catching a plane to Glasgow YOU SHOULD NOT BE LIVING ON TOAST ALONE, LADY. *packs wok and nutmeg grater*let me know what flight your booking" | |||
"Hey chin up mister there are plenty of us out there. Literally can't remember the last time I had a dinner as live off toast. Being alone gives me time to reflect on my life and how I wish it had been different but then I remember there are people worse off than me. Luckily I go out to work but I also have 2 dogs. The dogs keep me company and sane and give me a reason to walk miles daily. Its not easy but try and embrace life the best you can.x Dogs are amazing for your mental well-being. Walking in the door to be met with unadulterated joy, is incredibly infectious, and for a while leaves you feeling content with your life.I had 2 dogs but I had to leave them with ex as she kept the house. I am in a 3rd floor flat so dogs not an option. I have two cats now which are great but it’s not the same…." That's a shame, hope she let's you spend time with them. | |||
