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Turning down one of a couple
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As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully. |
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Just be honest.
Better to just tell people straight up front.
No matter how gorgeous we all like to think we are, not everybody will be attracted to us, and that’s ok.
Honesty is always the best policy. |
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Yep we don’t take one for the team & don’t expect anyone else to either.
We normally reply with “at the moment we’re only looking for……. Or m/f for solo play”
Easy way of not offending while still being open to playing with the one you’d like to. |
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By *STOOCouple
over a year ago
durham |
We've been turned down a few times, wife is gorgeous so I know it's me lol but as much as it hurts when someone isn't attracted to you its normal, not everyone is stunning..
Except the wife lol |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
I think you said it yourself. Your’e just not feeling one of them, or what you are seeking/looking for/feelings is only one of them. |
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"
We normally reply with “at the moment we’re only looking for……. Or m/f for solo play”
"
Thanks, that's really helpful specific wording!  I'll definitely be trying out something along the lines of "oh thank you for asking, but at this moment I'm only looking to play with XYZ, is that something you'd be interested in?"
I sometimes feel a bit 'on the spot' at clubs so I find it really helpful to have some responses ready for common scenarios. |
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"
I think you said it yourself. Your’e just not feeling one of them, or what you are seeking/looking for/feelings is only one of them."
Sure...but I'd feel pretty impolite saying it as bluntly as "I'm interested in you Sue, but Dave I'm not feeling it with you". It's more that I'd like to navigate the situation a bit more sensitively and not hurt people's feelings or offend anyone. The "I'm only looking for xyz" tonight is helpful as it bypasses specifically turning someone down as an individual, and it also makes it about me and what I'm doing, rather than about a negative about them personally.  |
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I think you said it yourself. Your’e just not feeling one of them, or what you are seeking/looking for/feelings is only one of them.
Sure...but I'd feel pretty impolite saying it as bluntly as "I'm interested in you Sue, but Dave I'm not feeling it with you". It's more that I'd like to navigate the situation a bit more sensitively and not hurt people's feelings or offend anyone. The "I'm only looking for xyz" tonight is helpful as it bypasses specifically turning someone down as an individual, and it also makes it about me and what I'm doing, rather than about a negative about them personally. "
I think how you have worded it for sue and dave is spot on, not blunt at all.
Naked scrabble, what a great idea  |
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"'I am only interested in physical contact with X. If that's not for you I understand'
No more needs to be said "
Pretty much what I have to say to all the women.
Sadly and unfortunately I'm straight straight not Fab straight. Not a hint of bisexuality in my repertoire.. I imagine it's harder if you are bisexual and female. I see men who have sex with men have top, bottom or non-penetrative preferences. |
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We get turned down & ghosted a lot. I think I know which of us is the drag factor and I'm not gonna say it doesn't feel bad, but it is what it is.
I would appreciate the option at least, "we'll play with Lizzy, you can watch" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?"
Either politely say something like 'not for us /we aren't feeling it' or just take one for the team. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
Either politely say something like 'not for us /we aren't feeling it' or just take one for the team."
Doh, thought you were a couple profile!
In that case, just politely say you're not feeling it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
Awkward...  |
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If the profile says they play apart then you can nicely say 'I'm really into X and would love a one on one meet' but if it says they only play together you can politely say you're not feeling the chemistry, you don't need to say which one isn't your bag. |
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It's all about how you phrase it. Remember it's a real person and you will be fine. We have had actual comment " your wife's stunning but your a bit of a troll, can we play with her alone. " . Needless to say that was a firm no. Got several messages in a row like that and it really broke Jason's confidence and self image.
We have had people be honest but respectful and we are friends and wingmen for them to this day lol |
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"It's all about how you phrase it. Remember it's a real person and you will be fine. We have had actual comment " your wife's stunning but your a bit of a troll, can we play with her alone. " . Needless to say that was a firm no. Got several messages in a row like that and it really broke Jason's confidence and self image.
We have had people be honest but respectful and we are friends and wingmen for them to this day lol"
I don’t understand why people would be so horrible about it .
It’s a fact of life that not everyone is attracted to everyone theirs just no need to be cruel about it.I wouldn’t be interested in people that were that cruel no matter how attractive they might be . |
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"It's all about how you phrase it. Remember it's a real person and you will be fine. We have had actual comment " your wife's stunning but your a bit of a troll, can we play with her alone. " . Needless to say that was a firm no. Got several messages in a row like that and it really broke Jason's confidence and self image.
We have had people be honest but respectful and we are friends and wingmen for them to this day lolI don’t understand why people would be so horrible about it .
It’s a fact of life that not everyone is attracted to everyone theirs just no need to be cruel about it.I wouldn’t be interested in people that were that cruel no matter how attractive they might be ."
Joys of the internet I suppose lol. It why we like clubs more though. People tend to be nice in person |
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By *redy81Man
over a year ago
London |
As you are a girl, you can say that you are 100% straight, if you don't fancy the female part of the couple, or say that this time you want a girl-on-girl only, if you don't like the man. It's definitely a way more polite way than throwing in a couple's face that "I like you, but he/she is not my type."
If you know that you don't like one of them, I'd rather not even approach them. If they go to you, that's the trickier part. We, single men, are being politely rejected often in clubs and we take it as normal, but when I need to reject someone, that can feel bad - even tho I know it shouldn't...
At a recent party a couple approached me quite in a straightforward way, the man stopped me and asked if I'm up for play. It was a bit of a sudden surprise, I was a bit confused, automatically looked at his wife, and said "sorry, I'm only chilling now". But I knew that the way how I looked at her from toe to head as a reflex after her husband's unexpected sudden question made it clear that my answer wasn't honest. I really meant "not with her". They said no worries, we wished a good night for each other, but a couple of minutes later I saw them with their jackets on, leaving the club with disappointed faces - even tho it was really early. I can easily imagine, that they were complete newbies, probably nervous about how to handle this situation, the man wanted to be proactive, but that's how it turned out. I really felt bad after and that feeling kinda ruined my night too - even tho I know I should not feel guilty about it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"'I am only interested in physical contact with X. If that's not for you I understand'
No more needs to be said "
Pretty much how we approach it. Mrs likes good fit looking guys and majority of couples have a male with a dad bod whilst the Mrs is stunning.
We ask and if it's a no, conversation stops there.
Our dynamic is of a cuckqueen. Mrs likes to see me with other women but does join sometimes. You'd be surprised how many women from a couple will play with another couple and the man is just happy to watch.
Doesn't hurt to ask. Might get blocked if they get offended but that's not your problem.
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"'I am only interested in physical contact with X. If that's not for you I understand'
No more needs to be said
Pretty much how we approach it. Mrs likes good fit looking guys and majority of couples have a male with a dad bod whilst the Mrs is stunning.
We ask and if it's a no, conversation stops there.
Our dynamic is of a cuckqueen. Mrs likes to see me with other women but does join sometimes. You'd be surprised how many women from a couple will play with another couple and the man is just happy to watch.
Doesn't hurt to ask. Might get blocked if they get offended but that's not your problem.
"
We've met a few couples where the man just likes to watch. It's not how we play and they didn't tell us beforehand. It's quite awkward and we'd much rather they'd just asked in the first place |
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
I think all you can do here is be honest, because of you took that chance and played with both but only liking one, it will become apparent and then they may stop play and ask you to leave, saving yourself that embarrassment it's best just to be open and honest and then what they do with that information is up to them to decide if it progresses or not. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can't win em all. Very much the fatalists, if somethings not meant to be, it's not meant to be. If people don't accept us both, we wish them well and move on. We try not to take it personally, it just is what it is and there are plenty of people out there who want to play with us both. Just have to be patient sometimes. |
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We attended our local club recently and we were having a nice group chat. When one of the women found out we were married, she asked what our boundaries are.
Her face fell a bit when we said we only play together/in the same room, but it was much more polite (and probably easier for her) to ask that first, rather than starting with "can I just get Mr in a private room".
Having that kind of information (if you didn't meet through fab) should make asking the follow up questions easier. |
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I think it's a minefield. Totally understand it. I find it especially hard from a couples point of veiw where ther are two of us trying to match with two of them.
I suppose first you need to establish do they play separately. If you know they don't obviously down ask because it would just cause hurt without possibility of a result.
Otherwise it's a judgement call on how your read the couple. Personally a daunting prospect for me as I'm not good at reading people, subtle nuances and can be a bit blut. But my point is it needs to be a calculated gamble of risk v reward. Both in terms of your goal and the potential hurt you could bring. Some people (like me) respect frankness and honesty and understand the reality and logic that we can't be everyone's cup of tea. But for others it can be very hurtful. I guess it definitely helps if it's a couple you know often both play separately. |
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Once you’ve decided that you like one but not both I’d find out if they come as a package deal or whether they play separately. Directly ask an open question and let them make clear what’s on offer. Then you could say ‘in that case I’d really love to play with you, Sue, if that’s ok?’ You don’t need to explain yourself in anyway, just put the option out there. |
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
Had that when I take my female friend out.. chat to a couple she was lovely but my girl wasnt attracted to the guy so its a mismatch sadly |
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By *ifi2020Couple
over a year ago
Manchester |
"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
Not related, but I really enjoyed reading your bio. You're very clear about what you want and I love that you called out the bigotry that exists on this site. I hope you get to have the experiences you're looking for.  |
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Thanks everyone, some insightful responses here.
I am in relationships (poly) and do play as a couple sometimes, but I started this thread from the POV as a solo woman at a club.
Quite a few times I've chatted to a couple in a club setting and they've then expressed an interest in me but in that exact moment I'm not in the mood for a group thing, or I'm feeling more attracted to men, or more attracted to women etc. It can be difficult to be right in front of them, having a nice chat and all getting along, to then say I only want to fuck one of them right now without hurting anyone's feelings! Which is what I want to avoid.
It's a valid point to ask if they play separately, but again I still worry about upsetting someone, because they'll know what I mean even if they don't know which one of them I'm talking about! I suppose rejecting someone inevitably risks upsetting them no matter how nicely you do it.  |
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Why don’t you say you’re interested in playing with her or him and suggest the one can watch and maybe when you’re more relaxed involve the other person I am sure he or she would be fine or they could find something interesting to do my female friend used to be fine and watching me sometime and same with me going too club play in Blackpool Saturday 4/2 see you there lol |
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"Thanks everyone, some insightful responses here.
I am in relationships (poly) and do play as a couple sometimes, but I started this thread from the POV as a solo woman at a club.
Quite a few times I've chatted to a couple in a club setting and they've then expressed an interest in me but in that exact moment I'm not in the mood for a group thing, or I'm feeling more attracted to men, or more attracted to women etc. It can be difficult to be right in front of them, having a nice chat and all getting along, to then say I only want to fuck one of them right now without hurting anyone's feelings! Which is what I want to avoid.
It's a valid point to ask if they play separately, but again I still worry about upsetting someone, because they'll know what I mean even if they don't know which one of them I'm talking about! I suppose rejecting someone inevitably risks upsetting them no matter how nicely you do it. "
I think you’re worrying too much about hurting peoples feelings. Unless they’re brand new to the scene they should be used to not being everyone’s cup of tea. If you ask first if they play separately then they will certainly know what you’re after. I think it’ll be ok. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
That’s similar to a couple was speaking with at weekend. She was very nice looking lady. Was speaking with the lady who asked me what was in toy bag. So I showed pin wheel etc she tried it liked it. Then I spoke to man when she was having a smoke.
He was like we don’t like toys like that and was really dismissive. I was like that’s fine as they are not for everyone but I did say I don’t have to use them and they are additional.
So we spoke some more and I just felt that even though they were looking for guys for her, that with his attitude just wasn’t a couple I would want to play with.
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"
I think you’re worrying too much about hurting peoples feelings. Unless they’re brand new to the scene they should be used to not being everyone’s cup of tea. If you ask first if they play separately then they will certainly know what you’re after. I think it’ll be ok. "
You're probably right here, perhaps my head is stuck too far in people pleasing mode |
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"It's all about how you phrase it. Remember it's a real person and you will be fine. We have had actual comment " your wife's stunning but your a bit of a troll, can we play with her alone. " . Needless to say that was a firm no. Got several messages in a row like that and it really broke Jason's confidence and self image.
We have had people be honest but respectful and we are friends and wingmen for them to this day lol"
Us trolls have feelings too?? In my humble opinion most of the advice seems to be good and point in the same direction, be honest but be kind and or diplomatic. I would just add only do the things and people you want to. Your body, your mind, your choice x |
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Agree with what everybody is saying.. It is awkward though isn't it.. Because we are English.. so if somebody asks me how I am, just seconds after I have lost my job, my house has burnt down, and the dog died... I'd probably say 'Not too bad, you?' That said... I'd hope that I wouldn't put my willy in somebody just so they didn't feel sad... I find similar things happen on here regularly.. We would like to explore playing with a couple.. But you know when you get to that moment of exchanging face pictures.. And I realise that the Mr is [as they say] 'punching', and I know that with all the best will in the world, I wouldn't expect Mrs Vanilla-sin to take one for the team, at least.. not that particular one.. Then it is a case of.. What do you do? Tell the truth.. delete and block? Or just allow the chat to naturally fizzle out.. sigh.. It is stressful. Of course, I know I'm well fit.. So I won't ever have that effect   |
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
Personally, I don't think there is a nice way of saying that. I would always view a couple as a whole, we either want to play with "them" or we don't.
Cal |
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"
Personally, I don't think there is a nice way of saying that. I would always view a couple as a whole, we either want to play with "them" or we don't.
Cal"
Not all couples only play together, plenty also play separately. I'm in a couple but I play separately  |
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"
Personally, I don't think there is a nice way of saying that. I would always view a couple as a whole, we either want to play with "them" or we don't.
Cal
Not all couples only play together, plenty also play separately. I'm in a couple but I play separately "
Plenty of couples play separelty including us |
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We only play as a couple and we only look for bi couples getting that 4 way connection is extremely hard .
Theirs been numerous times when for whatever reason one half of the couple isn’t for us and I’ve no doubt other couples have felt the same about us.
.
We would never be horrible about it tho we usually say sorry your not what we’re looking for.We would never single out one half of the couple and say no to him but we’ll play with your wife personally I just don’t think that’s right. |
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"Thanks everyone, some insightful responses here.
I am in relationships (poly) and do play as a couple sometimes, but I started this thread from the POV as a solo woman at a club.
Quite a few times I've chatted to a couple in a club setting and they've then expressed an interest in me but in that exact moment I'm not in the mood for a group thing, or I'm feeling more attracted to men, or more attracted to women etc. It can be difficult to be right in front of them, having a nice chat and all getting along, to then say I only want to fuck one of them right now without hurting anyone's feelings! Which is what I want to avoid.
It's a valid point to ask if they play separately, but again I still worry about upsetting someone, because they'll know what I mean even if they don't know which one of them I'm talking about! I suppose rejecting someone inevitably risks upsetting them no matter how nicely you do it. "
Your last paragraph I totally get. Your hand is most likely revealed as soon as you ask do they play separately. In a club scenario I really don't think there is a good solution. You don't get what you want by not asking but asking comes at a high risk of hurting someone. Although not all couples play together the vast majority (whether they exclusively play together or not) come to enjoy that club experience together when visiting together. So chances are you will upset someone. Because as much as many like to think themselves cool and logical people still can be a little hurt even if it's just from a perspective of being left out rather than rejection. I would guess 8-9:10 asking a couple in the club to play with one will result in hurt for someone. Unless of course its clear the partner your not interested in is likewise not intrested in you.
Of course that hurt maybe minor and you may want to ballance your personal goals and desires against the price of minor hurt or offense.
Sorry for the pessimistic outlook on the matter but I really see a great solution. Basically if you want more opportunities you'd have to become more ok hurting people. |
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"
Your last paragraph I totally get. Your hand is most likely revealed as soon as you ask do they play separately. In a club scenario I really don't think there is a good solution. You don't get what you want by not asking but asking comes at a high risk of hurting someone. Although not all couples play together the vast majority (whether they exclusively play together or not) come to enjoy that club experience together when visiting together. So chances are you will upset someone. Because as much as many like to think themselves cool and logical people still can be a little hurt even if it's just from a perspective of being left out rather than rejection. I would guess 8-9:10 asking a couple in the club to play with one will result in hurt for someone. Unless of course its clear the partner your not interested in is likewise not intrested in you.
Of course that hurt maybe minor and you may want to ballance your personal goals and desires against the price of minor hurt or offense.
Sorry for the pessimistic outlook on the matter but I really see a great solution. Basically if you want more opportunities you'd have to become more ok hurting people."
Ha yeah, well that's why so far every time I've found myself in this situation, I've avoided it by politely declining the whole event rather than get in to the details! |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
For me also there are people I would happily watch - but I wouldn’t fuck them if that makes sense
Another couple on Friday they were playing on couch, watched for a bit. However not attracted to her at all, so moved on.
Not every hole is a goal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
Or just take one for the team |
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"As the title suggests - what's a diplomatic and polite way to say "I'll shag you, but not your partner" when invited to play by a couple?
It's rare I find both members of a couple attractive at exactly the same time. And sometimes I do like both of them but I'm in the mood for something only one of them offers. Or pick any other reason you like. I've found myself having to turn people down because I don't want to offend anyone by saying I only fancy one of them!
I feel like I've missed a few opportunities with this and would love to know if there is a sensitive way to navigate it more successfully."
I would say if you are attracted to the woman you are lookin to explore bi side male can watch, and vice versa |
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"Just be honest.
Better to just tell people straight up front.
No matter how gorgeous we all like to think we are, not everybody will be attracted to us, and that’s ok.
Honesty is always the best policy. "
Exactly this! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Your last paragraph I totally get. Your hand is most likely revealed as soon as you ask do they play separately. In a club scenario I really don't think there is a good solution. You don't get what you want by not asking but asking comes at a high risk of hurting someone. Although not all couples play together the vast majority (whether they exclusively play together or not) come to enjoy that club experience together when visiting together. So chances are you will upset someone. Because as much as many like to think themselves cool and logical people still can be a little hurt even if it's just from a perspective of being left out rather than rejection. I would guess 8-9:10 asking a couple in the club to play with one will result in hurt for someone. Unless of course its clear the partner your not interested in is likewise not intrested in you.
Of course that hurt maybe minor and you may want to ballance your personal goals and desires against the price of minor hurt or offense.
Sorry for the pessimistic outlook on the matter but I really see a great solution. Basically if you want more opportunities you'd have to become more ok hurting people.
Ha yeah, well that's why so far every time I've found myself in this situation, I've avoided it by politely declining the whole event rather than get in to the details! "
It's not hard in following conversation to just ask in terms of your dynamic do you guys play together or separately. We have asked that in clubs before and had it asked of us and it's never been an issue.
KJ |
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Just be honest say it to the one who won’t be offended. Some couples are more than happy to just watch the other play. There are meets were me (missy) just plays with the female half of a couple and the two guys just watch x
Whatever works for you!
I will finish up on saying never judge a book by its cover you could end up pleasantly surprised some of the best meets and sex I’ve ever had were with people who weren’t conventionally good looking x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm always so impressed by the people who are able to turn people down well!
I feel like I can't be the only person that prefers to give a quick snog or grope and then disappear over the awkwardness of saying you don't fancy someone haha
please say I'm not!!  |
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