FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Sort of struggling with how to be a swinger
Sort of struggling with how to be a swinger
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This might be posted in the wrong place so first of all apologies for that.
I’m wondering whether my idea of swinging is completely different to the reality..
I joined this site on the recommendation of a friend that was on here years ago. I came out of of a long term relationship a couple of months ago and found myself in a place where I could try some kinks (or whatever the cool kids refer to them as) now I’m newly single. So I signed up, and it’s been a bit of a shit show! Like I say, I think I was naive when I joined but I thought it would be easier to satisfy these kinks than it has been. Am I swinging wrong?? Lol, Jesus. It took me a month to work out the message filters, I only just found out there were forums ti ask this sort of stuff today. I guess I just feel really flipping nervous about this and was expecting it to be easier. And would like some advice on how to do things safely and comfortably? x sorry for the ramble x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand exactly where you are coming from. I'm recently out of a long term relationship.. things were very vanilla in bed.. want to try and open my eyes to new things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Are you actively approaching people you feel might appeal to you?
Are you intrested in clubs/socials/or private meets?
Yes, it's best to be clear about what piques your interests as 'kinks' is a broad spectrum  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hi x I think I joined this expecting it to be a little more professional rather than the Wild West.. by professional I guess I thought I’d be able to find an app or website and find a way to try DP without depending on two random guys. I’d almost pay for the safety. But for me it just feels like a free for all, which scares me - I don’t trust two random guys to do that  But finding alternatives, like a married couple - a guy and a girl with a Strapon - is just as hard. I’d feel more comfortable if there was another girl there, if that makes sense? Aaaanyway. Like I said, I’m not sure if my impression of what swinging is/was is what it is in reality, and not quite sure if I’m “playing the game” correctly or not.  |
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As annoying as a million unsolicited messages are and people messaging who haven't read your profile is, a lot will be put off by asking to put whatever the magic word or phrase is in a message or title
It makes me feel like a performing seal just seeing those kind of requests let alone actioning them
Id suggest trying a club to get to know some local likeminded people if safety is a concern or a big organised social, you'll often see them advertised in the regional or U.K. sections of the forum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd say you can probably find whatever you're looking for on here if you take time to actively search for it? And there are MM profiles that are verified, and it'd obviously be sensible to chat on here with any prospective folk first. Arrange a social if it seems they may be a good fit?
Clubs can be a good call on the safety aspect too. Couples, are generally very happy to hear from solo women I've tended to find. I think the easiest way to go about it is to search yourself via the settings. Message any profiles you like the look of, and see how the conversation flows. Much harder to just wait on the ideal fit for you dropping into your inbox  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I am still scared by MM verified profiles though. They are still random guys to me. That helps me though, I am looking to make this happen in the wrong way. I’ll look into social meets, I only just realised that social meets didn’t just mean meeting a single couple for a drink - there are actual nights for this lol. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also you may prefer to book a hotel versus inviting anyone to your home/going to theirs. If a club setting doesn't appeal on your own. You could also see if there are any ladies/couples in your area who would be willing to introduce you to a club visit perhaps? You don't have to do anything more than have a look around one and see what you make of it |
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"I am still scared by MM verified profiles though. They are still random guys to me. That helps me though, I am looking to make this happen in the wrong way. I’ll look into social meets, I only just realised that social meets didn’t just mean meeting a single couple for a drink - there are actual nights for this lol. Anyway, thanks for listening to my rambling x"
I would Say you need to go to a club. There you will generally find a really safe and welcoming environment, especially the classier places. There you can meet and talk to all sorts of nice people who are there for the same reasons. If anything happens then it will be your choice and in a place that feels much safer than with ransoms in a hotel room.
If you fancy a a trip to Nottingham Purple Mamba would really suit.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Generally, and personally yes. I’ve been aware of tinder and pof but for me personally this is all sort of new. And I feel like I’m trying to jump into something head first. But it’s just messy somehow?? ????? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can totally relate to how you’re feeling.
It’s overwhelming on here when you first join and can actually make you leave, or line you’re doing, questioning yourself.
I’d block anyone from messaging at the moment so you have the chance to look around the site with no distractions.
Have a look at some female profiles, you can view in stealth mode, get an idea of what you might be looking for.
If it does become too much, hide your profile for a while.
The forums are great to chat on.
Good luck!
Viv x |
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"Generally, and personally yes. I’ve been aware of tinder and pof but for me personally this is all sort of new. And I feel like I’m trying to jump into something head first. But it’s just messy somehow?? ?????"
Don’t get too overwhelmed OP. It’s very daunting at first but I’ve been here before so you get used to the message after message - not all of them very appropriate even for a swinging site! Message filters are a must. Just block those you’re not looking for right now.
Happy to chat more if you want any advice and great pics by the way |
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Start with your message filters.
There must be 200 men to one woman on fab and a lot of them lie. For instance the biggest lie is age and saying they are straight. I call it fab straight lol.
Think about what you want out of it. |
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
Honestly, it’s been five years for me and dp just hasn’t happened. Either someone has lost their boner at a critical moment or something else has gone wrong or we got distracted.
Try a club, though, greedy girl and daytime events have taken some stuff off my bucket list. If you fancy a road trip north, F is woman owned and run and will have your back (I’m biased because I DM there, but I wouldn’t if I didn’t believe in them.) |
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Hello!
Definitely try a club visit. It's far easier to 'negotiate' what you're looking for face to face, with people who are already there. Fab is great for seeing what's out there but terrible for actually arranging anything.
Most clubs we've been to know their regulars well so can possibly point you in the right direction if you explain to the staff what and who you're looking for. They're also pretty good at keeping an eye on new women, from a safety perspective. |
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I think people need to manage their expectations. Swinging is essentially about having recreational sex with more than one partner not a different kind of sex. I suppose swingers are more likely to be open to trying new things but that is more of a by product that the actual point of swinging. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We are all at the point you find yourself in at the start. Just like normal dating, you will find there are people you like and get on with and others that are just simple arseholes. Unfortunately, this type of kink will attract a disproportionate of the latter! So be wary.
My experience is to take it one step at a time, don't rush. As eager as you are you will want your experience to be enjoyable so you will want to come back for more.
As others have said visit a club. There is no obligation for you to join in. If you just want to watch and chat, most members will be more than happy to do this (just be sure to set boundaries for yourself and them until you're comfortable to move on). You will read from this post and others that great friendships have started from a simple chat in a club.
We are all on sites like this to satisfy our individual desires and you are no different. Just like a regular dating site filter through the messages you receive. (I'm a great believer in instinct - if it doesn't feel right it probably won't be!). Arrange to meet for a social first. Set a time limit (an hour seems about right) and if you get on move onto a second. What form that takes, will be down to how comfortable you feel with them).
Whilst you know what your ultimate goal is, don't just assume there is only one way to achieve it. For example, if you are bi curious and want a threesome, you may find it better to find one person to join you and then invite a third (or fourth etc) as you become more comfortable. They may even introduce you to a kink you've not considered trying but find you actually enjoy it more than you had previously thought.
Its as with everything in life, be wary but always step forward. Its just that with what's being sort on sites like this is focused around enjoyable sex in whatever form it does it for you. |
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OP - my suggestion would be to shut down access to males (single and mm couples) and that will stop the flood. Then just be proactive in what you are looking for - take your time to find a profile you like and get to know them. If they are genuine then they will help you on your journey.
If you are worried about meeting a “random” (and I totally get that) then just have a social to start off with it. You don’t have to rush things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We're in a similar situation. Being watched is our thing but it's difficult to find people where they don't push for more, this leads to questions on why have we joined a swingers site when we don't swap/share.
We've discussed other people being involved but it's one of those "it'll happen if it feels right". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi x I think I joined this expecting it to be a little more professional rather than the Wild West.. by professional I guess I thought I’d be able to find an app or website and find a way to try DP without depending on two random guys. I’d almost pay for the safety. But for me it just feels like a free for all, which scares me - I don’t trust two random guys to do that But finding alternatives, like a married couple - a guy and a girl with a Strapon - is just as hard. I’d feel more comfortable if there was another girl there, if that makes sense? Aaaanyway. Like I said, I’m not sure if my impression of what swinging is/was is what it is in reality, and not quite sure if I’m “playing the game” correctly or not. "
No one knows until they try it! Fab can be quite an intimidating place. Terms don't meant the same to everyone else (people on here dont even agree what swinging is sometimes!) ...the important is working out what you want and being clear what you're looking for..if you want a social (a drink) it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks that means. You do as little or as much as feels right for you.
An organised social is probably a good place to start. Some of the clubs also do newbie swinger events.
Using your profile to show who you are and what you're looking for is my best advice....and making contact with profiles that look like they fit with you and your idea of fun. Plenty of couples meet women and use strapons (not mentioning any names  ...if that is on your bucket list, adding that you your profile may help people looking.
Good luck OP x |
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By *T73Man
over a year ago
Wirral |
I agree with _icecouple561...initial expectations before joining Fab can colour your experience. Focus on what you want to explore, set your boundaries and the sort of experience and people you want to try this with. Be honest with yourself and enjoy! |
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My advice is to go slowly, so that you pick up understanding and expertise as you progress.
Fab is a free to use site, so you'll find all kinds of people here. The wild west, perhaps! But you make it so that it becomes your own site, used in your own way.
Meeting others socially will let you pick up ideas on how to operate here. You could do that at clubs. It's fine to go to clubs without any intention of having action. It could plug the gap in your expertise somewhat.
Clubs can also be a safer place to be, to meet men. |
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We have met a number of single women in clubs, typically we ignore any messages from them here as half the time it is either a bloke pretending to be girl or someone just fantasizing and not really planning to meet.
You can always block everyone to message you and search for people you would like to meet and message them proactively. Word of warning, no veris will affect the responses, many decent girls and couples will not bother replying to anyone without some veris.
Club visit maybe a good place to start. |
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"We're in a similar situation. Being watched is our thing but it's difficult to find people where they don't push for more, this leads to questions on why have we joined a swingers site when we don't swap/share.
We've discussed other people being involved but it's one of those "it'll happen if it feels right"."
Go to a club and leave door open, we have met a few couples in club who are like you i.e. watch and play with own partners. Personally we wouldn't meet them on 1on1 basis but if we like them we don't mind them joining us in room with other couples. |
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"Hi x I think I joined this expecting it to be a little more professional rather than the Wild West.. by professional I guess I thought I’d be able to find an app or website and find a way to try DP without depending on two random guys. I’d almost pay for the safety. But for me it just feels like a free for all, which scares me - I don’t trust two random guys to do that But finding alternatives, like a married couple - a guy and a girl with a Strapon - is just as hard. I’d feel more comfortable if there was another girl there, if that makes sense? Aaaanyway. Like I said, I’m not sure if my impression of what swinging is/was is what it is in reality, and not quite sure if I’m “playing the game” correctly or not. "
It is all achievable just a matter of making some contacts with right minded people. |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
One of the most important things to remember when coming to Fab new is that meeting other people to achieve mutual satisfaction of desires can be very difficult simply based on attraction, geography and availability, and as you increase the number of people who you want to be involved with in that scenario, and the particular experiences you want to enjoy, it becomes exponentially harder to find what you are looking for.
But rest assured, you will find what you are looking for, if you are prepared to put in time to your search, and can be patient waiting for it to come to fruition. And when it does, it will be amazing! So good luck, and stay positive. |
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"Thanks everyone. I think the way forward is a social event rather than a club. Appreciate all the advice x"
A lot of social events lead on to after party at a club and some are held at a club so great thinking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree with all advice here, maybe don’t block males, put your settings that newbies etc can’t message you, that can stop time wasters. You may meet a guy on here that could potentially join you with a couple.
Search for profiles that interest you. Couples will always be happy to hear from a single female as it’s a very rare occurrence. Have the confidence to make the first move on your terms and you will get the experiences you want I’m sure.
Good luck
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP from our (slightly extensive) experience you will find the face to face side of swinging very different to what we have online today. Wild west is a great way to put it BTW
Good clubs and good size well organised socials where the F to M ratio is a very even is a good route into the good side of the scene. We actually find the online side quite often rude and impersonal sadly when it isn't quiet.
Reading your comments above we would have on our list to meet a lady to do dp and Mrs F has a selection of strap ons but don't think it's the done thing approach/bother a single female online and view it as something that you would build up to with someone when all where comfortable.
Another factor is the genuine crowd might be careful online due to the amount of single ladies who aren't interested in swinging and use here for dating, just hook ups or people posing to be women when thay are not.
Don't be disheartened get yourself out there and try the face to face side if you are anything like us you will find it far more friendly and a completely different kettle of fish  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This might be posted in the wrong place so first of all apologies for that.
I’m wondering whether my idea of swinging is completely different to the reality..
I joined this site on the recommendation of a friend that was on here years ago. I came out of of a long term relationship a couple of months ago and found myself in a place where I could try some kinks (or whatever the cool kids refer to them as) now I’m newly single. So I signed up, and it’s been a bit of a shit show! Like I say, I think I was naive when I joined but I thought it would be easier to satisfy these kinks than it has been. Am I swinging wrong?? Lol, Jesus. It took me a month to work out the message filters, I only just found out there were forums ti ask this sort of stuff today. I guess I just feel really flipping nervous about this and was expecting it to be easier. And would like some advice on how to do things safely and comfortably? x sorry for the ramble x"
Not sure if this helps, but I still don't feel like I'm doing it right! I'd rather take my time than rush into something I don't want. I've met some lovely people, and I've met some I wish I hadn't lol. Just take your time, set your boundaries, don't let this place get you carried away, and most of all have fun!
As for the DP, that's been one of my goals as well, but to stay in control I'm hoping to introduce two guys that I've met separately rather than join in with an existing arrangement.
Happy fabbing! |
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By *inx_xxWoman
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
Hello
Welcome to the wild wild West.
I started my journey 10yrs ago after ending my marriage and had the same bucket list.
It took alooooonnnng time to tick it off for all reasons you have found. I'd recommend attending a club finding a fellow group of girls, you will have a great time and support within the friends you make, from there you can find people/ couples/ socials and events that you're interested in.
Always keep your safety in mind and give it time. Best of luck x |
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I would say that you are in the right place to tick some things off your bucket list, but you may need to build some friendships first so that you’re doing those kind of things with at least one person you know and can trust to look after you.
Have some 121 meets, even if just socials and build your confidence a bit.
This place can be overwhelming, but there’s fun to be had |
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"Thanks everyone. I think the way forward is a social event rather than a club. Appreciate all the advice x"
I'm more the social side and fun side but I never use fab .. the men on here are so ignorant yet state on their profiles they are intelligent professionals lol but can't seem to read let alone respect a woman's profile .. oh and they are the first to say what am I doing wrong ... msg me if you want to try a club or social im not far from you x |
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"Thanks everyone. I think the way forward is a social event rather than a club. Appreciate all the advice x"
Hi. There is a social event in York on 15th October. It's always well attended and would be a good opportunity for you to meet couples and singles.
You will need to be added to the guest list by visiting the forum post.
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/meets/1348074
Hope that helps and you have find what you're looking for |
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"Thanks everyone. I think the way forward is a social event rather than a club. Appreciate all the advice x
Hi. There is a social event in York on 15th October. It's always well attended and would be a good opportunity for you to meet couples and singles.
You will need to be added to the guest list by visiting the forum post.
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/meets/1348074
Hope that helps and you have find what you're looking for "
I will add to this socials and clubs are great for getting to know other swingers but also some can be clicky so advise going with someone not alone x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thankyou, I’ve asked to be added to the list for the York meet Again, thank you all for the brilliant advice, it’s helped put my mind at rest somewhat x |
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"Generally, and personally yes. I’ve been aware of tinder and pof but for me personally this is all sort of new. And I feel like I’m trying to jump into something head first. But it’s just messy somehow?? ?????"
Whatever you want, I think you mentioned DP.
Take your time.
Find two guys, talk to them online for a bit. Suss each other out.
Just because this is a swinging site, doesn't mean you have to jump at the first opportunity.
It can take weeks or months to build trust.
If that's what makes you feel comfortable, do that.
And clubs are a great way to meet real people.
Good luck with your journey OP.
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I originally joined fab 4 years ago because a friend suggested it to realise my fantasy, like yours was MFM. 4 years on (albeit 2 years of COVID didn't help) and probably million messages received later, I only met a handful of men, which half weren't what I was looking for. Only one of my fantasy been realised and ironically I met him originally on tinder and he discovered my butt on fab. Lol
I too visited a club, hoping my chances of meeting kinky men will increase but the experience left me disappointed to know the men were worst in real life than fab.  I'm going to try another club, hoping things get better but visiting a club was pretty overwhelming experience so actually don't recommend it. I would meet more people on here first and learn quickly how to spot the fakes as I had endless number of single men mess me about.
Good luck op, don't give up chasing your desires. Just be sassy, proactive and smart in your fab approach and I hope you every success. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The problem with this site is that most men and some others are not really swingers. they use this as a sex contact site, so don't be downhearted, sift the wheat from the chaff, some of us real 'swingers'
"This might be posted in the wrong place so first of all apologies for that.
I’m wondering whether my idea of swinging is completely different to the reality..
I joined this site on the recommendation of a friend that was on here years ago. I came out of of a long term relationship a couple of months ago and found myself in a place where I could try some kinks (or whatever the cool kids refer to them as) now I’m newly single. So I signed up, and it’s been a bit of a shit show! Like I say, I think I was naive when I joined but I thought it would be easier to satisfy these kinks than it has been. Am I swinging wrong?? Lol, Jesus. It took me a month to work out the message filters, I only just found out there were forums ti ask this sort of stuff today. I guess I just feel really flipping nervous about this and was expecting it to be easier. And would like some advice on how to do things safely and comfortably? x sorry for the ramble x"
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We’re one of those scary MM profiles (grrr! in a louche and sexually experienced manner!) and can confirm that we’re not actually all that scary at all, if that helps
I’d suggest a social meet before you jump into the club scene (clubs can be strangely non-sexy, even though people are shagging their hearts out all around!) - there’s a North Yorks Social fairly regularly |
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"We’re one of those scary MM profiles (grrr! in a louche and sexually experienced manner!) and can confirm that we’re not actually all that scary at all, if that helps
I’d suggest a social meet before you jump into the club scene (clubs can be strangely non-sexy, even though people are shagging their hearts out all around!) - there’s a North Yorks Social fairly regularly "
Yup I'm was totally turned off at a sex club lol i get more raunchiness from using tinder lol |
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