FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Not realising what they getting into?

Not realising what they getting into?

By *ily-Star OP Woman over a year ago

street

I need some help just understanding something. I have a written well and explanatory profile of what I like and what I'm searching for.

I wade through the sea of yellow and talk to those I feel would be a good match for what I'm asking. I will meet with people woth partners as long as the other half knows and is into the swinging lifestyle.

I have spoken to a few lovely people and have gotten involved in sub/dom dynamic with them but soon enough a few weeks later I will be messaged.

They didn't realise how much they needed to invest in the sexual relationship, even when in the beginning we have laid out the guidelines . It seems their female partners are living the life swinging and they are ok with it but when the males wanr the same and with all good subs I show them the adoration they deserve and do all I can to make them happy in the bedroom they then seem to 'rethink' what they were getting into and need to think about things..

I'm getting disheartened I'm not looking for a relationship they have one of those I just want a sexual one with them, where we have fun and do wild and crazy things am I doing something wrong??

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By *elkieWoman over a year ago

Durham

I don’t think so? I think a load of, specifically, men, think that they want a dynamic which is D/s, and friends with benefits, but when push comes to a shove they discover that even casual takes more commitment than they actually want to give.

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By *ily-Star OP Woman over a year ago

street

I even explain that its time consuming what with the needs I require and the little things and it's all yes no problem I've done it before and then they can't. I envy all those who have a casual regular thing, I'm not demanding I'm very relaxed and open. Just feel maybe I'm looking for the rare unicorn

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By *elkieWoman over a year ago

Durham

I have a casual cg/l thing, but we see a lot less of each other than you’re talking about, and it grew very slowly. (He was a club friend, we bubbled up during lockdown.)

Good luck! I hope you find your mythical DD soon!

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By *elkieWoman over a year ago

Durham

Well. It’s not really casual, but it’s very laidback. If that makes sense?

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan over a year ago

Coventry

Sadly I think that there are people who will say all the right things to get someone into bed knowing all to well they can't offer you the personal time and attention they claim they can. Their main motivation being a fulfilment of a sexually need from you rather than providing for you long term.

Maybe it's worth trying to get an insight into their personal life. Try to establish if their life actually allows time for you.

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan over a year ago

Coventry

Also I'd say to some extent it is a relationship. A different sort but requires commitment all the same. To me relationships are a spectrum and can have different froms from the traditional. Maybe helpful to get out of your mindset it's causal or something without commitment and meaning.

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By *ily-Star OP Woman over a year ago

street

But I explain all this when we talk.. yes its a different type of relationship but I won't be blowing your phone asking where you are and why you haven't seen me. I'm looking for the commitment of a DD so I know that's it real thing, I can have casual fucks whenever plenty of guys on here but that's nit what I want. Just one person to have good times with on a regular basis its all in my bio... *sigh*

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By *inky-MinxWoman over a year ago

Grantham

They aren't real doms?

A lot of men think being dom is just and excuse for pushing someone around in the bedroom

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan over a year ago

Coventry

"But I explain all this when we talk.. yes its a different type of relationship but I won't be blowing your phone asking where you are and why you haven't seen me. I'm looking for the commitment of a DD so I know that's it real thing, I can have casual fucks whenever plenty of guys on here but that's nit what I want. Just one person to have good times with on a regular basis its all in my bio... *sigh*"

Exactly it is a really thing. Unfortunately the reality is you'll struggle to find it. Lots of people will talk a big game and maybe even convince themselves that they can do it. Afterall the fantasy is hot. But beyond the fantasy and maybe playing it a bit it is a big commitment. I think the size of commitment that needs a bit more than just the prospect of regular sexaul gratification. I think it may need someone who is to some extent emotionally invested in you to carry on providing for you. I don't mean the big L, romance or a traditional relationship type emotional investment per se. But some kind of genuine care, desire and freindship/love (it is a spectrum). A reason and drive to provide and care for your needs beyond that of mutual gratification.

Sorry I don't mean to be a downer, that's just as I see it. And I'm sure it's out there for you. But you may need to navigate a bit of a minefield first. Kiss a few frogs as they say. I haven't got much advise on how to help you because from what you say, your saying the right things from the start and they are saying back to you the right things. Just one thought, are you on the right site here for the best opportunities? Are you on any other sites or have you considered any fetish orientated sites?

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By *ily-Star OP Woman over a year ago

street

I've signed up to a few fetishism sites but it's all teenagers who think they are babies wearing onesies, sucking on dummies ruining the whole thing and then you have guys who have no idea of what being a dom is just watch too much porn and think they can repeat it.

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By *riving_Home_For_MimiWoman over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

They want all the reward without the effort.

I had the same issue looking for a sub, it's all talk, about what they want, how things are going to work, but when it actually comes down to it they just don't show up, or try it once and give up, it's a lot more effort and investment than a vanilla situation.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I honestly don’t think you can find a true D/s dynamic/relationship on here. People seem more interested in instant gratification.

Take the four corner stones, plus vetting and consideration the whole process can take weeks or months.

I have always said if you ask for my submission you haven’t learned me because I will give it freely to the right person given all the above.

Fake Dom(me)s get a bad name. There are as many fake submissives out there who think it’s all going to be sexual and fun. They don’t understand what true submission is.

That said when you find the right person you’ll truly know

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By *etcplCouple over a year ago

Gapping Fanny

"I honestly don’t think you can find a true D/s dynamic/relationship on here. People seem more interested in instant gratification.

Take the four corner stones, plus vetting and consideration the whole process can take weeks or months.

I have always said if you ask for my submission you haven’t learned me because I will give it freely to the right person given all the above.

Fake Dom(me)s get a bad name. There are as many fake submissives out there who think it’s all going to be sexual and fun. They don’t understand what true submission is.

That said when you find the right person you’ll truly know "

I managed to find someone, and she found me on here so it is possible. But it takes time to wade through all the shite. You may also need to accept that you wont get everything you want. We live a 14 hour round trip apart, so only see each other once a month, but talk everyday.

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By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

"I honestly don’t think you can find a true D/s dynamic/relationship on here. People seem more interested in instant gratification.

Take the four corner stones, plus vetting and consideration the whole process can take weeks or months.

I have always said if you ask for my submission you haven’t learned me because I will give it freely to the right person given all the above.

Fake Dom(me)s get a bad name. There are as many fake submissives out there who think it’s all going to be sexual and fun. They don’t understand what true submission is.

That said when you find the right person you’ll truly know "

I have had two stunning relationships off fab.

Yes they took time to develop, however worth every bit of effort that was put in.

Oddly that time you use building a dynamic often quickly exposes a non fit in those that didn’t progress.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I honestly don’t think you can find a true D/s dynamic/relationship on here. People seem more interested in instant gratification.

Take the four corner stones, plus vetting and consideration the whole process can take weeks or months.

I have always said if you ask for my submission you haven’t learned me because I will give it freely to the right person given all the above.

Fake Dom(me)s get a bad name. There are as many fake submissives out there who think it’s all going to be sexual and fun. They don’t understand what true submission is.

That said when you find the right person you’ll truly know

I have had two stunning relationships off fab.

Yes they took time to develop, however worth every bit of effort that was put in.

Oddly that time you use building a dynamic often quickly exposes a non fit in those that didn’t progress."

Exactly and that’s why vetting and consideration are so important

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By *heaspieswingerMan over a year ago

Peak District

"I need some help just understanding something. I have a written well and explanatory profile of what I like and what I'm searching for.

I have spoken to a few lovely people and have gotten involved in sub/dom dynamic with them but soon enough a few weeks later I will be messaged.

I'm getting disheartened I'm not looking for a relationship they have one of those I just want a sexual one with them, where we have fun and do wild and crazy things am I doing something wrong??"

When you say they need to rethink things, are you referring to him, her or both of them? Is it possible that she’s having her cake and eating it, but when it’s his turn problems arise for their relationship?

In the past decade we’ve met so many couples who think swinging is a good idea but they have no idea of just how intense it can be. So adding a D/s dynamic to that can be too much for a couple to handle.

We doubt you’re doing anything wrong x

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By *melia DominaTV/TS over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

So may good responses to this thread...

I can't really add much more to what others have said.

FAB as a platform is very vanilla. Even the most experienced swingers won't have a clue about what your on about and that fine. Because they understand Fab for what it is.

The dynamic you seek is outwith the normal realms of Fabs core goals. That's also okay.

You just need to think out the box more to find your needle in the giant haystack.

My suggestion. Bdsm socials and munch events are your path to what you wish to achieve.

But if you want to have swinging fun in the mean time, well, here is the place for it.

And you never know, one of those connections could blossom into the dynamic you are looking for.

At least take the positives for what they ate and have fun searching...

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By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

As it has been said, self named Dom's claim the benefits, equally pillow princesses, self claimed subs, don’t add anything to the scene.

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By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

I think your profile is clear on what you are look for. As a sub I ask many questions to potential doms. I expect them to ask me questions as well. I’m sure you’ll find the right person eventually. Fx

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

In the 5 years pre Covid I had two D/S relationships with swingers on Fab and three topping relationships. 3 out of the 5 were already into BDSM.

One I introduced to my style over D/S and it took 2 days for the relationship to take off. Although not into BDSM she had been interested in the 1950s wife concept. That relationship has set the template for what I want. So although I believe you need a process to ascertain who is suitable I am not a great believer that it always take time.

I have spoken with a number of swinging submissives over the years. So I believe there are people looking for D/ S that swing and are on Fab.

My own take is that it is difficult to form relationships these days. It is even more difficult if you want it to involve bdsm and even harder if it is niche relationship within bdsm as DDlg.

It is not a question of looking for a real dom but looking for a dom with the aptitude to fill that role. I am not interested in brats, littles or lg,it does not make a fake dom, just not my thing. I prefer amazon/alpha subs.

I believe people who have experience show experience. In other words rather than meeting people who have never been a DD, look for people who can demonstrate they have experience of DD.

I am also suspicious that the sex aspect gives the wrong impression. Although for some their dominance is based around hedonism, leading with it, in my view, is not a sound basis for a D/S relationship.

People have recommended looking in the bdsm community, however, the bdsm scene is full of flakes on both sides of the / so it is not just a Fab issue. It does take time to find the right person.

I am also puzzled by the mention of these people having partners. As I said, I am not into DD, but my understanding (which could be wrong) is that the lg is a priority or needs to feel a priority and that should be sorted up front. So if someone else is involved in my mind it sets up a situation for conflict. Particularly if the original party starts to feel left out.

Just some thoughts, good luck.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I need some help just understanding something. I have a written well and explanatory profile of what I like and what I'm searching for.

I have spoken to a few lovely people and have gotten involved in sub/dom dynamic with them but soon enough a few weeks later I will be messaged.

I'm getting disheartened I'm not looking for a relationship they have one of those I just want a sexual one with them, where we have fun and do wild and crazy things am I doing something wrong??"

Who is rethinking it? The female or the male? If it’s the female, then they’re probably not happy that the swinging aspect is balanced out by you. If it’s the male, maybe having two women is a bit more than they can handle?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I need some help just understanding something. I have a written well and explanatory profile of what I like and what I'm searching for.

I have spoken to a few lovely people and have gotten involved in sub/dom dynamic with them but soon enough a few weeks later I will be messaged.

I'm getting disheartened I'm not looking for a relationship they have one of those I just want a sexual one with them, where we have fun and do wild and crazy things am I doing something wrong??

We doubt you’re doing anything wrong x"

This is what we were thinking…

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