FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > Where do I sit on kink and BDSM
Where do I sit on kink and BDSM
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By *ancGent! OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester |
Hey, looking for advise on where I sit when it comes to kink or BDSM. I joined the site to explore this and after a few experiences I find it difficult to explain. I like being blindfolded, tied up and light pain but still like taking control and pushing my own boundaries if I know a women is getting turned on by it.
I know I don’t like humiliation or degrading. Would just like to try and put a name to it really, kind of sensual BDSM I think but I like kink just because I know it’s kinky. Any help from a more experienced hand would be great. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It can be difficult to label everything in kink and sometimes waste of time
Just find out what you do and do not like and enjoy it
There are so many levels kink can be taken to |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Hey, looking for advise on where I sit when it comes to kink or BDSM. I joined the site to explore this and after a few experiences I find it difficult to explain. I like being blindfolded, tied up and light pain but still like taking control and pushing my own boundaries if I know a women is getting turned on by it.
I know I don’t like humiliation or degrading. Would just like to try and put a name to it really, kind of sensual BDSM I think but I like kink just because I know it’s kinky. Any help from a more experienced hand would be great."
I mean in theory it sounds like you're a switch (able to give or take control), who likes some form of bondage but not specifically into S&M and more of a sensualist (about sensation rather than pain)...
However. The beauty of the BDSM scene is that it's vast and covers many things and while I get that labels and definitions are something that as human beings we find helpful and useful, you can claim to be 'kinky' or 'into BDSM' and it all still be true...
A lot of people at first viewing of BDSM assume degradation and humiliation to be essential or starting points, but in truth only a small percentage of people are kinky in that way... |
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There doesn't have to be a label on everything.
Everyone is different and we have our own limits and boundaries. Experiment, learn what you enjoy and what you don't and go with it. Just don't be pushed into anything you are not sure about by anyone else.
Enjoy exploring. |
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"Thanks, I see so many profiles with exactly what they want but I’m unsure. Don’t want to let someone thinking I’m willing to do something and accidentally let them down"
That why crystal clear communication is key. Anyone with the faintest understanding of kink and BDSM will understand and will also understand the word "stop".  |
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Thanks, I see so many profiles with exactly what they want but I’m unsure. Don’t want to let someone thinking I’m willing to do something and accidentally let them down"
The more you play and experience, the more you know what you want I guess...
I've been playing in a BDSM sense for 22 years, you can experience a lot in such a long time but that means I know what I'm looking for etc...
The key to BDSM is communication from negotiation prior to play talking about your limits and experience, checking in with who you're playing with, to safewords to enable a change of direction of end of play.
If you nail the negotiation part the is no accidentally letting someone down, especially if it's in an area of play you have never experienced, the other party will be aware it's new and that your reactions could differ wildly to what you may expect, and hopefully have planned for that..
But yeah, communication is key, even a quick Google for 'bdsm negotiation' will bring up loads of helpful advice!
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Don't get hung up on labels, BDSM is a learning curve and what works for some people doesn't work for others. We have been active on the BDSM scene for many years and the key thing to remember is that communication is the key between both parties. Sure you will have fun exploring this exciting world.
k |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You may have seen some people who are very sure of what they want and what their role is. Who have all the labels worked out. But believe me, loads of people don't. Finding out what lights you up - that's the journey. And you may well find that what works beautifully with one person isn't what works with another. Enjoy the journey. |
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"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible. "
All of this! But louder for the people at the back or hard of hearing.
Mr Hayes. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible.
All of this! But louder for the people at the back or hard of hearing.
Mr Hayes. "
I agree with the safewording bit but there are plenty of us on fab with a lot of helpful BDSM advice and experience that we are willing to share. There is a bigger crossover between the BDSM and swinging scenes than there ever has been. |
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"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible.
All of this! But louder for the people at the back or hard of hearing.
Mr Hayes.
I agree with the safewording bit but there are plenty of us on fab with a lot of helpful BDSM advice and experience that we are willing to share. There is a bigger crossover between the BDSM and swinging scenes than there ever has been. "
A good point well made, I did kinda just jump in both feet first there without fully engaging my brain.  I really shouldn't do the internet when I'm tired.
Mr Hayes. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"a good point well made, I did kinda just jump in both feet first there without fully engaging my brain. I really shouldn't do the internet when I'm tired.
Mr Hayes. "
Haha don't worry I'm pretty much always too tired to internet (damn disability) but it doesn't mean I don't try! |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible.
All of this! But louder for the people at the back or hard of hearing.
Mr Hayes.
I agree with the safewording bit but there are plenty of us on fab with a lot of helpful BDSM advice and experience that we are willing to share. There is a bigger crossover between the BDSM and swinging scenes than there ever has been.
A good point well made, I did kinda just jump in both feet first there without fully engaging my brain. I really shouldn't do the internet when I'm tired.
Mr Hayes. "
LadyJayne translates what we said into what we meant to say. I am sure she could translate Vogan poetry into something acceptable to the listener.  |
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I agree with the OP, i don’t particularly want a label but saying you’re kinky depends on who you’re talking to and their perception of the word. Also when asked my preferences , how can I answer when I haven’t tried these things yet. Isn’t that the whole point of pushing boundaries |
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By *alcon43Woman
over a year ago
Paisley |
I think you’re more into sensory deprivation and sensual play but not exclusively. Quite a few swingers are into BDSM. Find a local club that does BDSM events. People are usually very friendly and willing to answer questions you may have.
I found that when I found a Dom it was a way of discovering what I liked. Pushing boundaries beyond my expectations.
Enjoy your journey. |
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible.
All of this! But louder for the people at the back or hard of hearing.
Mr Hayes.
I agree with the safewording bit but there are plenty of us on fab with a lot of helpful BDSM advice and experience that we are willing to share. There is a bigger crossover between the BDSM and swinging scenes than there ever has been. "
That’s true - but there’s also a load of judgemental vanillas around here, and also a lot of misinformation. |
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"First, don’t look for kink advice on a swinging site. The two of them are not the same.
Can I suggest you google bdsm test dot org ? It’s a questionnaire, should give you some jumping off points.
And anyone who gets upset at you safewording out of a scene at any time for any reason is not someone you should be playing with. Consent is always reversible. "
Sound advice young lady. |
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By *erces LetiferMan
over a year ago
Somewhere off the edge of the map... 'ere there be monsters |
"That’s true - but there’s also a load of judgemental vanillas around here, and also a lot of misinformation."
Also, I've found that it's not just the vanillas who are judgemental on here! 
Most people are lovely, though. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Where do you sit?
If you’re a Dom you sit where you want. If you’re a sub you sit where and when you are told!
Honestly though, BDSM test results are useful for you to get an indication of the types of things you enjoy so you can read up or research them.
Don’t assume porn is a teaching medium.
There are plenty of good resources out there, local munches, events, peer learning groups etc.
Don’t fall into the trap of the “one true way”. We all do things differently, even our risk assessments snd tolerances.
BDSM and kink is not all about whips and chains and pain. It is what you want it to be. You can be kinky and not even remotely interested in a D/s type dynamic.
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"Where do you sit?
If you’re a Dom you sit where you want. If you’re a sub you sit where and when you are told!
Honestly though, BDSM test results are useful for you to get an indication of the types of things you enjoy so you can read up or research them.
Don’t assume porn is a teaching medium.
There are plenty of good resources out there, local munches, events, peer learning groups etc.
Don’t fall into the trap of the “one true way”. We all do things differently, even our risk assessments snd tolerances.
BDSM and kink is not all about whips and chains and pain. It is what you want it to be. You can be kinky and not even remotely interested in a D/s type dynamic.
"
OP, the above is good advice with the caveat of follow the basics which are these don't run before walking , communication is paramount and above all be honest, both with yourself and with those around you. Good luck and stay safe |
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